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Found some photos... *long and complicated*


PoisonIvy

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Not sure where to put this, really. And, this...is a long story. I appreciate anyone who takes the time, even to skim, and I would like to thank advice-givers in advance.

 

Backstory:

 

My SO and I have been together for 2 years and 2 months. It had a rushed, fiery beginning, in both good ways and bad. The good was the sparks and passion, and the bad was the fighting. We've mellowed out by now; my therapist says we are like an old married couple... which I'm not so sure is a good thing, but that's a different thread.

 

We didn't move in together, I kind of fell into his on-campus apartment that he shared with 3 other guys, as I was a freshman in college, looking for an escape from my cramped dorm room and my evil roommate. He was a friend when I needed it, and we became intimate. Things just kind of happened and fell into place.

 

Two important factors about him that play into this story: he is a very introverted, and before we got together, depressed individual. He cut himself [he doesn't now, because- he says- he's with me], and many of his friends were online, and the ones in real life were gamers whom he didn't really have to interact with when they played games online. One time, early in the relationship, I was going to break it off with him (for a variety of reasons), and he overheard my conversation with my best girl friend and threatened to kill himself. Obviously, I stayed. We've gotten past that, it's neither here nor there. It's just an example of his depression and attachment at the time, as I'm pretty sure he was more into the idea of having a girlfriend and sexual partner [i was his first] than the actual me.

 

The other thing to know about him, is that before I knew him, he had amassed a huge collection of porn. And I've seen huge collections. He proudly claimed to have one terabyte (look it up if you don't know how much this is), and, not believing him, I checked. Yep, he was telling the truth. Whatever, guys (and girls) look at porn. It happens. I look sometimes, as I'm a curious gal, but I don't need it or anything. He needed it. Especially at first. It was really hard for him to want to get off with me, without porn, and that caused some problems at first. Not a problem now- he's gradually weaned himself off of it, and he came to prefer me over it.

 

So we go to his parents' for a school vacation about a year of being together (spring break '07), and it was the second time I went to stay at their house. He has a very large collection of magazines, mostly techie ones and scientific journals. I was poring over a Scientific American with articles on psychology, and out falls a picture of a naked girl having sex with a man in the reverse cowgirl, showing her entire front. A photo. Not a clip from a magazine, not a printout from the computer...get-it-developed-at-the-drug-store photo. Hm. It was not him. I could tell that much. There were a few more, of her in bondage, tied up, clothespins all over, and with a red-handprinted heinie. There were other photos, too, some of naked girls, some of clothed girls, but those don't factor into this story.

 

So I asked him casually who he knew that did amateur porn. He looked at me weird, and I showed him the magazine with the photos in it. He clammed up, except to yell at me for going through his stuff. Except I had asked if I could look at a magazine, as I was bored while he played computer games. I got kind of irritated that he wouldn't tell me who it was, but I shrugged it off. The next day he told me that her name was Blank, and she had been one of his online friends. Er, ok. It was before he met me, so whatever. It's not like he was going to fly to the opposite end of Canada to be with her and not me. (Yeah, he told me basics, where she was from, that she was 20 at the time of the pictures...) He threw away the pictures.

 

Fast-forward to a few months later, I'm looking through the folder of naughty pictures of me that I let him take (he had deleted all him porn when we became 'serious' and I wanted to give him something to look at), and I find a folder that was called 'RIP Blank'. Uhh... that's not the same Blank, is it? What I think is in this folder isn't, right? It's got a password. Okay. That's fine. I'll just ask him to show me when he gets back from class. I did.

 

I asked him what the story was with Blank. It took him a couple days, but he finally told me: they had met online through a mutual online friend. He knew the other girl, from LiveJournal and MySpace and the groups on suicide and depression they had both joined. He and Blank became friends and talked almost everyday for about a year, until she committed suicide. He had to go on her LiveJournal and get the pictures really fast before her account was suspended for posting inappropriate content. He had kept them to remember her by, even though he had none of her writings, none of their conversation logs, no pictures of her that weren't pornographic in nature. It's not how I would want to remember a friend of mine who died, but that's just me. He promised to delete them right then and there (but I found out later that he'd kept them- that made me unhappy).

 

He wasn't happy. I wouldn't have been either, and I felt bad. I apologized for looking through his stuff (or trying to anyway). He was crying when he told me she had died, and I cried, too. But at the same time, I was skeeved out.

 

Currently:

 

One thing that bothered me and still does, is that on her LiveJournal and everywhere else she published online, she says "I'm a lesbian, guys, stop asking to have sex with me, I don't want to, I like girls, get it?", and yet... all of these pictures are of her having sex with guys.

 

So this is a story that has its conflict basis from quite a long time ago, but has recently resurfaced in my mind for some reason. I thought I was over it, but I don't think I ever will be completely. Maybe I'm being irrational over something that in the long run that doesn't really concern me and has been buried for a year, but I've been doing some hard thinking about my life in the past couple of months that includes the relationship front. I'm not thinking about ending the relationship, more about branching out and getting my own life back. I'm one of those people whose relationship with their SO becomes their life.

 

I'm happy in almost all other aspects of my relationship with him, and maybe because this was buried and not wrought out at the time that it's bothering me during my contemplations. I guess what I'm looking for is insight as to a) whether it should be dealt with or b) buried again, and whether it really is unimportant or if it creeps other people out as much as it did- and does- me.

 

If anything is unclear, please let me know.

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Hi PI,

 

I'm not sure what your question is here... are you just wondering if you should branch out into other areas of your life due to finding these photos? Or are you thinking about dating other people?

 

I think the photos and the relationship are in the past and if this is the worst problem with your relationship you're lucky !!!!

 

Be thankful your boyfriend doesn't expect you to visit his x girlfriend for the rest of your life

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Hi PI,

 

I'm not sure what your question is here... are you just wondering if you should branch out into other areas of your life due to finding these photos? Or are you thinking about dating other people?

 

I think the photos and the relationship are in the past and if this is the worst problem with your relationship you're lucky !!!!

 

Be thankful your boyfriend doesn't expect you to visit his x girlfriend for the rest of your life

 

Well, the problem in my relationship with him now is that I want to regain my own life, as an individual, and help him develop his, as well as have the life of a couple. He works, he sees me. He has no interaction whatsoever with other people on a friendship basis. I have girl friends who I'd really like to spend time with, but he and I are always together. When I bring this up, he says, "Okay, if you don't want to be with me, I get it". That is not what I'm trying to tell him though.

 

Uh, the girl is dead and she was buried quite far away, how could I visit her, he doesn't even know where her grave is. The reason he knows she died is because her boyfriend (yes, romantic, apparently) talked to my SO on AIM after she did it and tried to figure out why. Again, this is all what he told me after the fact, and yet, why did she have a 'boyfriend' that he talked to if on every website she listed her sexual orientation as lesbian? Either he's lying or she was, and he has more reason to, based on the situation. It's just bugging me, and I wanted to know if it is reasonable for me to feel that way or if I should just forget it.

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His keeping photos or images is his business. Why did/does he feel the need to delete them or throw them away in front of you?

 

It appears that you may have made this guy feel "guilty" for having these things. In an attempt to "prove" something to you he symbolically threw them away, but really didn't want to. You may have wanted to simply tell him that although you may not understand his desires, you certainly respect them. If/when he decides he doesn't want them then that is his decision to do whatever he feels best. You don't need to know anything about it.

 

It should have been his decision, when he felt it best.

 

Guilt has no place in a loving relationship.

 

It does sound like you two have made some interesting progress in 2 years. This sounds like a very minor reason to be upset. Are you looking for an excuse to end this relationship? If not then let this issue go.

 

(Guilt, insecurity and jealousy all fester on each other... they bring negative energy into a relationship)

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I didn't ask him to throw them away, in fact, I didn't say anything except that I was sorry that I poked my nose in his business. He said he threw the hard copies away then, because he felt ashamed (for being addicted to that type of thing). I in no way indicated to him that I felt one way or the other, it was embarrassing enough for him as he had not planned on anyone finding those photos. I did not ask him to delete the copies on the computer, what bugs me is that he said he would/did but did not.

 

No, I'm not looking to end the relationship. Just to find myself again, I've changed a lot since I've been with him...in some ways I'm better, in some ways worse.

 

In fact, the more I think about it and read over my words, the more I regret bringing it up on here (it's easy to misunderstand the situation if you're not in it) and the less I want to dreg it up with my SO. Just wanted to let it out, I suppose. See, this is why I need to hang out with my girlfriends. To talk things out so I don't have to bore and confuse ENA readers.

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I was actually referring to my own relationship here... I realized that your boyfriend's friend or whatever she was to him had passed to the next life.

I agree that he needs to decide when to let go of this himself.

 

I'm not sure why her sexual orientation is bothering you... maybe she was really bisexual. I guess you may never know. Why would he lie to you about this? I'm not sure what reason he would have to lie to you about her having a boyfriend? Is it that you're worried about him lying to you? Is that why you're upset?

 

I understand that it may have been a shock to find this photos, but honestly, this doesn't sound like a major problem to me but that's me. I would try to talk to him about it and give him some comfort, let him open up about his feelings about her with you, try not to judge.

 

As far having other people in your life it's a good idea for both of you. I'm not sure how you can achieve that if he wants only to be with you though.

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I didn't ask him to throw them away, in fact, I didn't say anything except that I was sorry that I poked my nose in his business. He said he threw the hard copies away then, because he felt ashamed (for being addicted to that type of thing). I in no way indicated to him that I felt one way or the other, it was embarrassing enough for him as he had not planned on anyone finding those photos. I did not ask him to delete the copies on the computer, what bugs me is that he said he would/did but did not.

 

You didn't need to indicate one way or the other, if you hadn't been bothered then you wouldn't have brought it up, but because you did he knew that you were, and because you've been bothered about this kind of thing in the past.

 

With regards to hanging out with your friends, don't have a long discussion about wanting to reclaim your life or anything like that, just arrange a night with them, and tell him you're going out.

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I'm not sure why her sexual orientation is bothering you... maybe she was really bisexual. I guess you may never know. Why would he lie to you about this? I'm not sure what reason he would have to lie to you about her having a boyfriend? Is it that you're worried about him lying to you? Is that why you're upset?

 

Yes, throughout our relationship we've had a rough-and-tumble ride in terms of trust on both sides, and that is what worried me about this. She could be whatever she wanted, I don't discriminate. Just whether it was the truth he was telling me was what was in my head, not just about that, but many other things during the course of our relationship.

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Thank you for your input, all, but I've been re-reading what I wrote, and really, everybody seems to be misunderstanding at least part, if not most, of what I'm saying and what my point was. One of the reasons for this, I'm sure, it that I inadvertently but inextricably linked two very separate topics within my life into one thread. A big no-no, and the only remedy I can think of is to delete my post, also a big no-no.

 

I suppose it's useless at this point, I'll just leave it up there and everyone can flame away.

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I'm not flaming you... I'm trying to help... and I'm sorry if I was being a bit flip, I apologize for that.

 

If you have trust issues in your relationship which surround whether your partner is honest or not that is a much more serious problem.

 

I would try to iron them out asap if I were you. It does sound like you were not happy at first about the photos, and even if you didn't say it, he may have felt your disapproval in some way and felt he needed to dispose of them. I would discuss the honesty issue and get everything out in the open. Then you can make a decision about what you want to do.

 

Good Luck.

 

Hugs

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No apologies necessary. And your help is appreciated If anyone is confused, I blame it on my misguided attempts to explain, which I already know I screwed up

 

Yes, there were definitely trust issues, but most have been worked through and discussed, and we are actually doing quite well with it (though it seems that once you have issues with trust, it's nearly impossible to go back to how it was before those problems arose). Our communication has improved significantly (i.e. at the beginning, he didn't talk at all, I talked too much...we've learned from each other...)

 

I didn't mean to be disapproving, I guess I didn't think that that was why he got rid of them, I thought he genuinely felt ashamed- not because of me but because he had been wanting to change (which is what he said)- and wanted to change while with an SO especially. However, it makes sense on some level. I always mean to be supportive, so this is making me sad.

 

*hugs back*

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Honestly, if he really really likes you/loves you, and the girl is dead, he should throw away every picture, delete every picture, and any other kind of porn.

 

Even if u guys were not having sex no reason he should want to look at any other woman other than you, thats just the way i see it and im a guy.

 

Honestly if u got past all that other crazy amazing stuff im sure this will be easy as well.

If she ment that much to him, he wont need anything to remember her by(real pictures, or pictures on computer, he will never forget her even without them.

 

One day or one night when he is on his computer playing games, just tell him ur going out with ur friends. If he has a problem with it, he is honestly out of line, he was on the computer not spending time with you, so why should he be bothered by u going out while he is doing his going out and hanging out with friends.

 

i play games on the computer with most of my free time, i would not be bothered by my girl wanting to do whatever during that time.

 

gl and i hope i understood your post a little better

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