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Talking about serious issues...


knightingale

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My boyfriend and I have been seeing other for about four months, but officially (with labels) a little over three months. We talked a lot online before dating, as well. It's a really amazing relationship that I am very grateful for. However, although we have had some serious discussions, they have all involved the present and vaguely the future, which are important, but nothing concerning our pasts. I've decided that this weekend I am going to confide him some very serious things that happened to me as a child that I have told very few people about and I am incredibly nervous.

 

I was recently diagnosed with GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder) and Brief Recurrent Depressive Disorder---both sound much more serious than they really are, particularly the latter one. I told him about this and said that the diagnosis stemmed from some trauma as a child that I wanted to talk with him about. We only recently told each other that we love each other (Monday), and I am just so nervous because I don't want him to start thinking I'm going to get crazy on him. I've been exactly who I am around him all this time, and I don't think anything will change about me anytime soon. He doesn't seem to be fazed by any of this, granted he doesn't know any details yet, so I'm probably worrying over nothing. Then again, ha, apparently I'm clinically a worry wart. I'm not sure exactly what I am asking help for, maybe just reassurance that this won't change everything.

 

He's a really good guy, his friends trust him with their lives and have nothing but good things to say about his character. Deep down I know that he won't suddenly see me as a crazy person, but it could also be potentially very overwhelming. Aside from excessive worrying and being passionate about what I believe in, I really am a pretty normal girl who is fun to be around. I don't want that to change.

 

Anything will be helpful. Thank you.

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It's only a couple of things, one is directly related to me and the other has to with things my mom went through that have, in a more empathetic way, affected me. Kind of a, "learn from other people's mistakes/misfortunes" thing. Either way, it is has shaped me and I think it is important for him to know these things, because they are a part of me, they're just a lot to take in. I'll definitely consider easing into one and maybe visit the other issue later time.

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I would just suggest the same as dream, dont poor it all on at once because he might get the wrong idea.. like u were hiding all these bad things and now u know he loves you, your gonna tell him just how bad or messed up you are haha

 

i realize u dont want to mess things up with them going so well, but i think if he likes you it wont bother him

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I'm not crazy, I just worry and ruminate a lot and the end result is I get a little blue. It's not like I have multiple personalities or that I'm borderline or something. Plus, I was JUST diagnosed yesterday with these very minor problems.

 

The things I have been hiding are things I hid because the last boyfriend used them against me after we broke up. I told him about all of this the first week we started dating. I just wanted to get to a more secure point with my current boyfriend before I unloaded everything this time around.

 

Thank you both for your replies.

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  • 2 weeks later...

That sounds a lot like me. I've never been diagnosed with either of those, but I have a tendency to overanalyze and worry about stuff to the point of what one ex lovingly referred to as "going nuclear." He said it was nothing short of apocalyptic. And often it was over something I was just snowballing. Ugh. A big part of dealing with this is not letting myself obsess over that sort of thing. I get pretty depressed if I find myself in the cycle of overthinking stuff, so I have to kind of shock my system and just relax. Ever look up anxiety coping techniques? They've always helped me calm my mind down and keep things in perspective.

 

I really am quite a calm and rational person in a normal setting. But add a significant other into the mix and I go just a little crazy. I get super insecure and worry constantly about whether he still wants me.

 

Sorry... thoughts are derailing. Back to your post. Just bring it up a little at a time and within an appropriate context so that he's in the right frame of mind. It is important to bring it up if it's a big part of who you are, but make sure you don't overwhelm him.

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  • 2 weeks later...

You do need to bring it up, but don't feel pressured to do it yet. Do it when you feel ready. I told my former girlfriend about my issues after we got together (we had known each other for 8 months at the time....and like you, had talked online for 5-6 of those) and she accepted it.

 

By the way, I also suffer from GAD but more so from Social Phobia so what you are doing is already a big deal. Trust me, I know. These things make dating difficult! Take the strength from that and at the end of the day, it is part of who you are. The right guy will accept it.

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Thank you all for your posts!

 

whes--Yeah, I'm a strange case of becoming more insecure about myself in a relationship than out. I guess because I am having to share such big parts of myself with someone and I don't know how they'll handle it all, such is this case.

 

ell--Thank you for the encouraging post.

 

I told him last week that I wanted to talk with him about a couple of heavy topics this past weekend (I wanted to do it on Sunday so V-Day would still be just a nice, carefree day). It got to the end of the night and I hadn't brought it up--I was chickening out--and he asked, "so what was it you needed to talk about" and I told him we could talk about it next weekend . . .

 

Sigh. I keep doing this. I keep getting ready to talk to him about it and then I chicken out. But he brought it up again while we were talking online today, and I said I would definitely tell him this weekend. I'm not sure what he's expecting to hear, but I doubt anything I have to say is it. I let him know it wasn't urgent, just something that he should know. He seems real calm, so I think it will be okay. I'm just not sure how to ease my way into it. Getting started is the hardest part.

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Maybe start by letting him know you are feeling a bit concerned about telling him what you are about to, but you want to go into this relationship completely open and honest and that, as your sure he'll understand once he hears what you have to say, are a major part of the person you are and as such you feel he needs to know about it.

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Is it completely ridiculous if I do it via email? He says if that would make me comfortable about it, I can do it that way. I wish I could be more adult about this, but the only time I have ever been able to tell anyone about this was when I had been drinking (haha) and when I had to tell my counselor. Three people know about it at this point. The mom part isn't so hard, it's the personal experience that I just can't choke out.

 

Anyway, yay or nay on the email idea. I imagine we can still talk about it after I send it, just get the bulk of it out of the way on paper. I don't speak all too eloquently, so that makes it easier.

 

Let me know what you think. Thank you.

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Nay on email.

 

I'd like to point out that, if you're willing to tell him via email, I think most of your anxiety is coming from how he'll react, not the actual communication to him.

 

I think journaling what you'd like to say and then reading sections/ explaining them would be better.

 

Other suggestions... I would start off with explaining the facts. Just state what happened. That will ease you into the conversation. Then you can talk about how it made you feel and how it affects you now.

 

Good luck. You'll do fine.

 

YS

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Nay on email.

 

I'd like to point out that, if you're willing to tell him via email, I think most of your anxiety is coming from how he'll react, not the actual communication to him.

 

I think journaling what you'd like to say and then reading sections/ explaining them would be better.

 

Other suggestions... I would start off with explaining the facts. Just state what happened. That will ease you into the conversation. Then you can talk about how it made you feel and how it affects you now.

 

Good luck. You'll do fine.

 

YS

 

Thank you, yellow! This was a very helpful post, and very true in terms of where my anxiety is stemming from. I'll sit down a write out everything first, to at least organize my thoughts.

 

Thanks again, all of you.

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