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Telling her to stop trying to manipulate me?


Shabba
Is My Relationship Over - Signs
Is My Relationship Over - Signs

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Me and my GF are coming into our 4th month together. I really love her and her drive,passion and independence. We have had some disagreements that have a got a bit hard but we are both committed to each other so we have managed them. I will always apologise for upsetting her but wont always agree with what she thinks ive done , I try to talk it out and let her know that I understand why she is upset if what happened were true. I'm very perceptive and the thing I have picked up on and that I don't like is her attempt to manipulate the subject of the conflict covertly within the argument to back me into a corner for submission and I can tell when she is trying to do this. I don't want her to make a habit of playing games to win one over me when all I want is for our relationship to run smoothly. I'm not into the Drama. Ideally she would keep a rational head partly on when she gets upset. If I am too upset I will tell her that and that I cant talk to her because I'm not thinking straight and don't want to upset her.

 

So I'v set the scene. My question is this

 

 

How do I tell her to quit the childish games when she is very Suborn and I find it hard to get through the BS she puts in front?

 

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And when? as it is happening in the heat of here stubborn disagreement or later when she has calmed down and is open to ideas. I was thinking of sorting this out in a week because the superficial issue of what we had a row about can be sorted and then I can mention it maybe as a generalisation or as part of "our" behavior, that she is manipulative and i can see.

If manipulations worth doing , its worth doing well!

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Examples?? mm I was angry after dinner because she was repeatedly selfish. once everyone had gone, the first thing she said was "whats the matter with you?" I said as I sat in a pretty * * * * mood "you've wound me up. I don't want you to stay tonight" (giving here an opening to ask what is wrong if she wanted because i was too stressed to talk about it then ) she immediately jumped back with " I DON'T WANT TO STAY HERE EITHER!" and stormed out.

 

My non-verbal messages of annoyance after she had pushed me too far with her selfishness had been interpreted as Rudness and disrespect she said. I told her that's not what was going on and that I should not have made the assumption that she could mind read . Im sorry if I upset here but she cant be selfish like that. I said im sorry that you got angry but you upset me , all I could do was send here home because i didn't want to upset here further????

 

 

BTW

 

I find it hard to write generally so bare with me

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The first thing you need to do is quit manipulating her. Now... I know what you're going to say.. what are you talking this is all her! No. Your post suggests to me you're saying sorry, when you're not really sorry. That's being dishonest, and is manipulation. Always apologizing for upsetting someone is also manipulation. Unless you've specifically wronged her, as in you two agreed upon something and you fell through, or you've crossed her personal boundaries you should not just simply say sorry. Doing something something you want to do, and then her getting pissed off for it is not reason to say sorry. After a while, you stop apologizing for overstepping your bounds and start saying sorry for who you are.

 

By trying to "talk her out of it" you're actually feeding the flames. You're trying to use logic and reason to deal with a feelings and you can't reason or logically argue someone out of a feeling. It disrespects and diminishes someone elses feelings. You can ask her why she feels the way that she does, but trying to tell her "I'm sorry but, if I actually did X then I could be wrong, but I didn't do it because this this and that". Simply accept her bad mood, and tell her it's okay to feel the way that she does and don't let her mood determine what you feel. Her bad mood, is not yours. It's hers alone. The more you try to "fix" it, the more she will resent you.

 

Don't walk on eggshells not to upset her. Tell her what YOU feel instead of talking her out of what she feels. Sometimes what you have to say will upset her, but as long as you speak the TRUTH instead of withdrawing or being dishonest she will respect you. You allow her to manipulate you, and you are playing the game alongside her. The way to approach this is to A. Change your behavior, and stop playing the games yourself, B. Tell her what you want to change, but do it in terms of "I".

 

What I mean by this is... instead of saying "You shouldn't, because X reason and Y reason etc..." Say, "When you do ____, I feel this particular ____, in the future I would like you to do ____ because I will not tolerate this behavior." This is called setting a boundary, it sounds like something you two need to practice.

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Lemme understand. You silently seethe and secretly characterize the girl as selfish rather than raising which behaviors, exactly, bothered you (and you don't ID them here, either--we're just supposed to assume that your characterization is fair and reasonable because if you've called it, then it must be so), and then you mope a hissy-fit to convey something is wrong rather than being straight with her--and kind, so now she's positioned in a guessing game she never saw coming with an adversary she didn't know she had, and then you condescend some insincere apology for how upset she is, and to add insult, you kick her out--yet you believe she's the one manipulating?

 

C'mOn, dear.

 

I don't think you like this girl very much.

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