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How to help my boyfriend ?

What To Do If They Cheat - Do this ...
What To Do If They Cheat - Do this First

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Hello all


I am hoping someone could give me some advice on this please as I am not sure what to do.


My boyfriend and I have been together for just over two years. Prior to meeting, we were both in mentally and physically abusive relationships. We managed to talk 3 years previously on a gay dating website when we were both at rock bottom and although we never met and lost touch, we proved a pinnacle of strength to each other at the time. We then finally got together - all quite romantic really


I was two months out my relationship and I think he was 6 or so. We fell properly for each other and I can honestly say, hand on heart, I love him very much. We have had our ups and downs though and at the start of the relationship, I was very insecure sexually due to my last boyfriend basically grinding my self esteem into the ground. I had been prescribed anti depressents, although I never took them and was a bit of a mental mess. My now boyfriend was a complete rock to me and made me see that I could love and be loved etc. We moved in together and he proposed at the top of the Eiffel Tower etc. We don't live together now because I have a cat and his one bed flat is too small for "3" of us and it was causing a few issues so I am renting a place just 10 minutes down the road.


About a year ago, when we were in bed together, he started coming out with fantasies that made me a little uncomfortable as in he wanted to see me with other guys. To start with, and because I am a bloke, yes, I did find it interesting We never acted it out, it was always just talk but as time wore on, it's all we ever did. Every time we had sex, he starts talking about me being with someone else. We have talked and argued about it on many occasions and I started becoming very insecure.


He is not a great talker, about anything really. It always ends up with "he is a crap boyfriend." I don't think he is at all. I think he is lovely ! To cut a long story short, he told me the other night that he appears to carried over emotional scares from his last relationship where for 6 months, he put up with his ex screwing around with someone else and being very vocal about it. He now says he is confused and doesn't know what to do. After this conversation, we went to bed, to sleep but he then initiated sex and then stopped saying "he couldn't." My only guess is that these fantasies had started coming into play in his mind and he didn't want to upset me.


I don't know what to do. I love him with all my heart. On every other level, well, mainly we are great. We are certainly best best friends too. I want to help him so much but I have no idea where to start, what to say or what to do but I feel if I don't be the rock for him as he was for me, I will lose him.


I do understand him - to a degree. I am a bloke. Porn, threesomes, orgies - it all comes to a guys mind pretty easily but I can't have a sexual relationship based solely on these thoughts. Once in a while, yes of course but everytime ?


Any thoughts, advice etc. appreciated.


Thanks all



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Fantasies are one thing, but if you really don't want to have another person in the bedroom you need to let him know that it isn't gunna happen. I've heard that doing things like that can ruin a relationship... maybe because one person enjoys it more than the other & creates feelings of jealousy & insecurity. I know that it is not something I would want to do for just that reason. Why do something that would put your relationship in danger? I would NEVER want to see my bf kissing another girl & I'm sure he feels the same about me.


Maybe he feels like something is missing & he thinks that a threesome is the answer. You should explain that while you like the fantasy, you don't actually want to do it.. & explain your reasons. Then ask him why he feels it is so important to him & what he thinks will happen afterward to the two of you.

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He sounds angry and that anger comes out in his sexual acitivity, with his suggestion of someone else joining in, which he did not like his ex talking about so openly. Sounds like he is still hurting.


You must talk and sort this out, as its not fair on you to have this spoken about every time you have sex.

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