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stephie26

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I could really use some honest advice.. I am thinking of going to see a counsellor for this as well as I'm feeling really lost in my life right now.

 

I just left a 2 year relationship/engagement... My fiance was very controlling and gradually became abusive. The whole time the relationship was going in and out of normal to abusive cycles and I never understood why I was so unhappy. It escalated and we fought one last time and he shoved me down.. I packed everything and left and haven't been back since. It's only 3 weeks being away from him, but I honestly feel good about being without him vs. staying in an unhealthy relationship.

 

Now, the problem... I have a guy friend I met him through my ex-fiance, we've known each other 2 years now.. He and I always seemed to have a chemistry.. and a sort of weird feeling of being drawn together in some way.. which was weird since I was with my fiance and he was single when we first met. He then got a girlfriend and we all used to go out as a group. But we always had this sort of un-explainable attraction towards each other... and only the 2 of us knew it and felt it... We were planning on going out one day for lunch to talk about our relationships but we decided it was a bad idea, if we got caught it would look terrible.... We stopped talking for a few months to respect each other's relationships....until now

 

When I left my relationship 3 weeks ago, we started hanging out.. We both ended our relationships a week apart, without knowing. (we reconnected on facebook)

We have been hanging out almost everyday for the past 2 weeks and we clicked instantly... We already slept together (my choice) and he keeps saying he doesn't want this to be about sex.. Most of our time we spend laughing together, talking for hours at night and we both have expressed this feeling of happiness just being around each other! He won't even fully have sex with me, he always stops and says he can't do it.. He's just too nervous around me in that way right now. But when we kiss and talk and lay in bed together we are so comfortable and happy..

He honestly makes me happy in ways that I have never experienced before... I really can't even explain it... It sort of feels like fate that we were supposed to end up together.. Just being around him makes me happy and content and I sort of feel alive and like he really brings out the BEST in me.. I love who I am and how I feel when I'm around him...

 

Problem is, I'm deathly afraid of commitment right now.............. I have spend so much of my life in relationships that I don't know how to really live without having someone around. Even when I was single, I always had a man that I shared time with, sex and a bond. I knew it wasn't love in my past, but I was happy just sharing a bond and being honest that we weren't committed.

I feel empty when I don't have a guy in my life even if it's just as a friend.

However, I am NOT needy... I do have friends, hobbies and love being alone... I am sometimes a bit of a loner and just like to be by myself.... Loneliness does not scare me... but once I love someone, leaving or detaching is very hard for me... Hence the reason I stayed in a toxic relationship hoping to change him/it.

 

Now, with this guy friend I have made it perfectly clear I do NOT want to rush into a relationship... He says he has had feelings for me ever since he first met me 2 years ago, and he wants us to be together and he has a hard time stopping his feelings and being afraid I won't ever commit to him....

 

But I need time... I feel like I need to explore life.... But I want this guy in my life........... It's weird for me, I have chosen to not see him on a few occasions, but not because I didn't want to... because I feel I need to pace myself..

I have started to go on a bunch of dates and go out with friends and planned a trip away with my girl friend in April..

But for some reason I can NOT get this guy out of my head.... I have met other people, but something is drawing me to him..

Today he was upset... I told him about me wanting to just "date" not really for any reason, and not because I'm looking elsewhere.. I guess because I "can" or should be? And he took offence to it.... He said he didn't want to continue seeing me because it would hurt him too much to pretend he didn't have feelings for me, and couldn't "have" me.. but allow me to go on dates and not let it bother him. (which I understand).

 

However, after not talking all day, he finally wrote back and said he was sorry and that he would wait for me.. No matter how long it took.. And he just wants us to be apart of each other's lives... And now I feel happy again... I felt like I lost a piece of me when he said he didn't want to see me anymore... That is weird for me!

I don't get this attached so quickly! I have been in another long-term that broke off, and met another guy and we were just friends... I never felt the way about him that I do with this guy... SO I can't logically say it is a rebound?

 

Any thoughts?? How can I help myself through all these feelings? I'm an emotional disaster, and I'm trying to just slow my life down and not complicate it.

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Just because you're afraid of commitment right now, doesn't mean you will always be this way... He needs to understand that you just came out of an abusive long term relationship and that things might not happen as quickly as he wants them to. However, if he truly cares about you (which it sounds like he does) then he will be a good friend and help you get over these difficult times. If/when you decide you can handle and want a relationship with him then it looks like things will end how he wanted them to in the beginning. However, if you do decide to date and whatnot he needs to respect that and continue to the good friend he has been all along. There is no reason for that to change just cause he wants to be with you and is jealous that he is not.

 

 

I hope everything works out for you!

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Thanks! That was what I said back to him, that he has to understand my fears and wanting to take things slow because my past relationship really took a toll on me.... I did not even expect to start talking to this guy friend, it just happened.... He messaged me asking what happened and I told him and he ironically had just broken up with his girlfriend the week after I did. We decided to just hang out with friends and play poker and we did 1-2 times and I had an amazing time. The next time we hung out, we were alone and I kissed him and I could not BELIEVE how I felt... He said he didn't want to get physical because he didn't know what I wanted from him.

We ended up getting physical and spent all night together and it was amazing.. The way we kiss, or how he runs his hands through my hair on my back... I'm just in awe.... We laugh so much, we have this sort of best friend quality... We can joke around and take jabs at each other... but in the next breathe we can kiss passionately and be insanely into each other... I know it sounds cheesy, but when I kiss him I feel sparks! I have never felt that before..

I'm just so scared, I'm not at a good time in my life to be in a relationship... I have so many fears of being with another abusive guy.. Plus I want to do things for ME right now.. But something is telling me not to let him go... And it sounds like he came to his senses and thought, why would I want her out of my life just because she's not ready "now"... Which is what I had hoped he would think/feel...

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