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Something that has been bugging me.


gary1958

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I have ben out of an emotional/verbal/physical abusive relationship for 22 months now. I read on hear especially on the Breaking up section about people who were kicked to the curb and how they struggle along time out of it. Now I feel for them and have been in there position but I feel my trepidation runs much deeper. I have had opportunities to date in the past 22 months but have not acted due to one thought that constantly goes through my head. I'm not good enough. They wouldnt want me. I have nothing to offer them. I am just now getting to the point that I have enough self esteem and confidence back to broach the idea of dating again. I was the most confident guy you could meet before I met her. But her constant belittling, criticizing, yelling and screaming and raging and telling me I never did enough just emotionally sucked me dry. So most of the time I know it was because of her actions. But sometimes I think that I am being a woooosy and Im just having a hard time letting go. I also know that the guilt they lay on you through the abuse is another reason I may feel this way. Anyone else ever gone down this path. I have read on forums where emotional abuse is insidious and takes such along time to get through and really scars you to the core.

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I guess I am starting on this path myself. I have been in a 15 year marriage that has been emotionally abusive for most of it. I am finally to the point I am sick and tired of being treated the way that I am and worked up the courage to talk to family and friends (both of her siblings say she treats me like crap) and seek therapy.

 

I actually wanted to leave 8 years ago but wasn't strong enough emotionally. I think my eyes were finally opened a few months ago and I am at the point in my life where I am confident enough that I know I can get through this...

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Yes, I've been down that exact same path. The way I find best to deal with it is to take the negative self-talk of "I'm not good enough" and directly challenge those beliefs. Through positive affirmations, and doing things to better myself I've found that I've been able to get back on my feet quite well.

 

What happens is when your thoughts tell you, you are worthless, and then you do something for yourself to suggest that you are a worthy person... you experience cognitive dissonance. When you have two conflicting beliefs about yourself, you try to find a way to make sense of it. Eventually if you continue to counteract the negative with positive, the positive self talk will outweigh the negative because your mind naturally tries to avoid such dissonance.

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Hi there! Only you have the power to change your life and each positive step you take will help you do that and change your way of thinking at the same time. You have been strong enough to shoulder so much abuse but now it is time to move past that. List all your good points. Ask your friends and family what your strong points are. You are articulate. You have morals. You are a loving person. You are kind. You will see that you have so many good qualities. Read that list every day.

 

Also, do something for you. Go to a Yoga class, or swim or have a sauna... something to make you feel relaxed and good. All this will give you strength to move past this and move on to a bright new future.

 

Good Luck to you in your new life.

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Im pretty much in the same place you are in. The hardest thing for me to actually get over the person i was with is me not feeling like im good enough for things to get better. I actually realized that today. I also have been out of that relationship for a long time because its almost 2 years but it actually is 22 months just like you said. Its been a really test of will to get this far. I also have alot of person issues so that has been troubling me as well. I have so much fear of something like this happening again or something good happening to me but it end up not working out. Its alot of crazy stuff to be going thru. I think the hardest part is know that she was such a beautiful person on the outside and inside but was so toxic and abusive at the same time. I guess sometimes i even tell myself that i wont be able to get over her but ill try the whole conflicting thoughts thing that was talked about.

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