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Sorry for this being in two different places... but felt it was hindering my personal growth (so posted a reply in my current thread on the personal growth forum) .. while at the same time clearly being applicable here also

 

Anyway here goes....

 

If my depression...shyness...lack of self esteem... virginity.. etc etc etc weren't big enough issues and barriers for me... here comes the bombshell to end all bombshells.

 

This is hard for me to even admit to, but seeing how I was brave enough to start a thread about it once way back when... I might as well force myself to admit it again.

 

I'm in touch with my feminine side... ok very very in touch with my feminine side. I've cross dressed since a very young age.. around six or so.

 

The cross dressing is one thing.. and clearly a possible major barrier in terms of relationships (I know it's not going away.. that's certain) I've tried to suppress it.. three different times in my life I've thrown away clothes... lingerie....makeup...panties.. anything deemed 'girly' in an attempt to be well a man's man.

 

Never lasts, it's a part of me for better or worse.

 

That's not even the bombshell though... I sometimes feel that I've got gender dysphoria... 'that's' the bombshell.

 

Basically I sometimes feel I was born the wrong sex and that in a lot of ways could be the source of my unhappiness.

 

From what little research I've done (not nearly enough) it seems like most who are transgendered.... know that they are, there's not even a little bit of doubt. This would lead me to believe that I'm simply a male more in touch with his feminine side than most... because there is some doubt there.

 

At the same time though... I remember, especially from around the age of 12 through most of my teenage years... physically crying at night over not being a girl and even though I'm not religious telling a possible higher entity that if I were wrong I would worship he/she/it for all eternity if they allowed me to wake up female.

 

As I type this out... I'm already regretting it somewhat, a lot of you who come accross this post likely think I'm a freak.. and maybe I am.

 

I just know it feels good to get it out... I recently confided in a female friend.. one that I knew was open minded and not judgmental about my possible gender issues and she's really helped out and let it be known that I could always talk to her if need be about it. I had to admit it to more people though... and the anonymous aspect of the internet, makes it much much easier to do.

 

I've already been somewhat long winded here, but needless to say my gender confusion opens up a whole other can of worms. My mother's no longer with us, but my dad thankfully is... and although I have the coolest father in the world... this would be a tough pill for any father to swallow.

 

I guess I'm scared to talk to an expert about my gender issues, because I don't think I want to find out that I may indeed be transgendered and never happy living as a man. I can only imagine having to tell my soon to be teenage little sister "oh by the way your big brother? he's now your big sister"

 

In the grand scheme of things, a lot of these issues are something 99 percent of the population does not understand and never will understand, that's one of the things that makes this all so hard. People don't relate... so you can't really talk to them. Also you certainly don't talk about this sort of thing to your best guy friends that you've known for years.

 

I just know that even reading the "what I love about being a woman" thread on the personal growth forum is depressing.... because there's a very real part of me that wishes that I could do some of the things mentioned.. things like wearing makeup, dresses and heels without the fear.. of well getting my butt kicked... You know be myself.

 

I realize this is a lot to take in and I understand it's going to be a difficult thing to advise someone on, at the same time as mentioned above... I simply had to get it off my chest.

 

What can I say... I'm a very bizarre person.

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You are not weird or a freak at all. There are many websites out there and helplines for people that feel like you. Infact theres whole forums out there with people in similar situations.

 

One of my good friends is a cross dressing male and he has a lovely supportive girlfriend so its not impossible to find someone who will understand and be there for you.

 

i think It wouldnt hurt to tell a professional instead of keeping it bottled up, see whether they think you'd be happier as a female or if you should stick to cross dressing.

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You're not a freak at all. Just cause you have different looks,feelings, views, or ideals as other's does not make you a freak.

 

I can't say I can relate to what you are saying because I am a male and haven't really had those thoughts, but I can say that the only way you will be happy is if you are being yourself. If being yourself is wearing a dress, high heels, and mascara...Well then thats who you are, and I won't hate you because of that...I'll respect you more, because even with all the sickness you face on a daily basis you aren't afraid to be you, and honestly, I would look at you as a strong willed person whom I would admire.

 

I know society may never accept you, and there will be crazy ass holes out there who will call you a freak, and try to bring you down because of their ignorance, but there is also people who are going through the same thing as you. You are not alone. Perhaps there is a place where you could meet more people going through the same struggles? I think that would be great to talk with some one like that since they know how you feel. You should do some research on it, and if there isn't a group, perhaps you could start one? You may need some more time to get comfortable with yourself before you can do that, though.

 

 

I really wish I could say something to make you feel better, but I can't. Just know that I don't think you are a freak, and if you are being who you are I can only respect you. I really hope you feel better. I can't imagine what you are going through. Just stay strong and be yourself. I hope you can come to terms with who you are, and in the end can be happy.

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Thanks blue for the kind words and helpful advice.

 

It does give me hope that your friend has found a supportive girlfriend... I've not even gone on a single date in 11 years or so, but I did date a beautiful Vietnamese girl in High School and we remain friends to this day... she didn't know and still doesn't know just how far my gender issues go, but she did know about my cross dressing and even enjoyed it for a while... said it was kinda fun.

 

She did sadly get tired of it though and by the time our relationship ended, she was 'very' tired of dealing with it.

 

I honestly know that I should talk about it, but I'm naturally stubborn and continue to put it off.. the same reason I've still not talked to someone about my shyness, lack of self esteem and depression... I think I'll eventually crack and seek the help I need.

 

 

You are not weird or a freak at all. There are many websites out there and helplines for people that feel like you. Infact theres whole forums out there with people in similar situations.

 

One of my good friends is a cross dressing male and he has a lovely supportive girlfriend so its not impossible to find someone who will understand and be there for you.

 

i think It wouldnt hurt to tell a professional instead of keeping it bottled up, see whether they think you'd be happier as a female or if you should stick to cross dressing.

 

Orange... thanks it means a lot to me to hear kind words... well see kind words in this case.

 

 

You are who you are, my friend. Live your life.

 

edit: I could also add the wise words of Shakepeare: "to thine own self be true"

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Thanks dubi for the kind words.

 

You seem like a cool dude and it means a lot that you cared enough to respond.

 

I've started seeking out like minded people in my area, and haven't found any 'yet' I have found groups, forums and websites and have started to use those as avenues to converse with like minded people.

 

Thanks again for the response.

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At some point you will want to find a professional therapist who can help you deal with this. This is some complex stuff you are dealing with and you will want to think about talking to a professional at some point.

 

Cross-dressing is not necessarily a sign of being transgendered. My initial reaction to your post was that you might simply be a straight cross-dresser, and that some of your gender confusion might be a product of your depression. This isn't a call that I can make easily over the internet, so it's something you'll need to talk to a professional about.

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Although many people do and think it is the same as being gay it really isn't so as a gay man I cant really profess to be an expert. I do think you need to get away from using workds like 99% of the people will NEVER understand, and need to give other people you associate with a little bit more credit. Try to get away from those negative thoughts. I dont know if it is unusual for there to be confusion or not. You wrote that you thought from the research you did that transgendered people generally didnt have any selfdoubt whatsoever and that you were unusual for having doubts. I think this is another example of the ALL or NOTHING thoughts that you need to streer yourself away from.

 

Other examples of people to tend to suffer from depression have thoughts like:

I will NEVER succeed

I will NEVER get accepted

I will NEVER get a job etc.. etc...

 

People that do not get depressed do not think like that, now again I do not want to get into the chicken and the egg argument and what came first.

 

Are you depressed because you think like that?

When you think like that it makes you depressed.

 

I cant really say for sure, but it is my believe that the self doubt that you do have really isnt self doubt but rather you have trouble accepting who you are. Again you believe that people will not accept you stems more from you not being able to accept yourself. definitely seek some help, not because you seem to be transgendered but rather learn to deal with accepting yourself and trying to get a more positive outlook on life.

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