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:( I'm going crazy, I really need help with this question


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This is going to sound insane, but I have NO idea if I'm over my ex or not.

 

For various (legitimate and non-romantic) reasons, my ex and I had contact over Xmas after months and months of NC. We began chatting again (nothing deep, mind you) and have hung out at parties once or twice.

 

In ways, it's pretty obvious I'm not over him.

 

- He occupies soooo many of my thoughts

 

- I get upset if he doesn't text me back. I feel guilty if I don't text him back. I get really stressed when we have non-face-to-face contact.

 

- I check if he's still single on myspace every day.

 

- I get really nervous when I see him.

 

- When we hang out or text, I always get really happy, my day becomes that bit better.

 

- I've fantasised about getting back together with him.

 

But, in other ways, it seems like I am over him, for example :

 

-When we hang out, it's his friends that I spend most of the time with. I genuinely don't look to see who my ex is talking to or what he's doing.

 

- When I do miss the times we spent together, and when I do feel like I really want him back, a lot of those thoughts centre around missing his friends, not specifically the ex.

 

- The only times I really feel like wanting to get back with him are when I start trying to convince myself that he wants that, even though I have no real evidence that he does. I mean, I've seen him four or five times since the breakup, and every time since then I've walked away feeling either apathetic towards him or sometimes even saying ''god, he's a nice guy, but I'm glad we're not together anymore''. SHould I trust this INITIAL reaction after seeing him??

 

- I haven't cried over him since October. Songs, places, people that I associate with him don't upset me anymore.

 

Argh!

 

I don't know how I feel. I don't know what I want. I'm an introspective person but this time around,I'm stumped. I have literally no idea how I feel.

 

Please help, what do you think based on what I've told you??

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TBE...you might not be over him YET, but it sounds like you're almost there.

Being indifferent beats being in anguish doesn't it???

 

Questions to ask yourself:

Do you feel like he makes your life BETTER? Or does he drag you down?

 

If it's the former....nothing wrong with having him in your life as a friend...

but it doesn't mean you're not "over' him. It just means he is a positive person in your life.

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I think you are probably over him and you are just missing the intimacy of a relationship with SOMEONE. the signs you have described for not being over him, indicate more an "addiction to being in a relationship" than really missing him.

 

He occupies soooo many of my thoughts - Sounds a bit obsessive

 

- I get upset if he doesn't text me back. I feel guilty if I don't text him back. I get really stressed when we have non-face-to-face contact. - sounds like anxiety

 

all of this is pretty normal in most breakups. while you are consciously realizing that you are over your ex, subconsciously you still link the longing you have for a relationship to your ex.

 

once you realize that you are just simply missing being in a relationship, you will feel even better about yourself and you will be a step further on your recovery path.

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Just my honest opinion. It doesn't sound like you are over him.

 

You have gotten to a better place, but you will never know if you're truly over him, if you can't let him go? You are keeping in contact and you don't know what you've lost yet. You're still connected to him and still stress about this or that. You aren't going crazy, but you do understand that the possibility of you getting hurt is higher because you still keep contact.

 

The things you've listed and itemized clearly show you are still obsessing, well not obsessing, but still hung up over this. It doesn't end until you say enough is enough.

 

It may sound like you are over the relationship, but not over him if you're still checking his myspace status. As silly as it may seem, you are still pining for him, not as greatly as before and I applaud you for that. But you are still caught up.

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I think you are probably over him and you are just missing the intimacy of a relationship with SOMEONE. the signs you have described for not being over him, indicate more an "addiction to being in a relationship" than really missing him.

 

 

 

all of this is pretty normal in most breakups. while you are consciously realizing that you are over your ex, subconsciously you still link the longing you have for a relationship to your ex.

 

once you realize that you are just simply missing being in a relationship, you will feel even better about yourself and you will be a step further on your recovery path.

 

Yes, I think you're right. I've been kinda thinking this myself too, I've been saying to myself (well, sometimes), ''if I had a wonderful new guy, the current contact with the ex wouldn't be such a big deal''

 

I guess I'm kinda disheartened in that I haven't found anyone else in the seven months since we broke up. It sounds naive,but I always assumed I'd find someone instantly in college. I've been college for a few months now, and have made great friends, including guys, but no one I'm interested in yet or no one that is interested in me. I guess that's kinda making me think a bit crazy.

 

URGH, ex just texted saying ''gonna go out, have fun this evening'', spelling the end of our text convo just there and now I'm upset, argh, I hate this.....

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TBE...you might not be over him YET, but it sounds like you're almost there.

Being indifferent beats being in anguish doesn't it???

 

Questions to ask yourself:

Do you feel like he makes your life BETTER? Or does he drag you down?

.

 

Both.

 

When he's in a good mood, chatty, fun, etc, he makes everything better.

 

When he's in a bad mood, distant, passive-aggressive, cranky, he ruins my day/week. STILL. after six months....

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Both.

 

When he's in a good mood, chatty, fun, etc, he makes everything better.

 

When he's in a bad mood, distant, passive-aggressive, cranky, he ruins my day/week. STILL. after six months....

 

Then I don't think you're over him TBE. No one should have that much control over our reactions...and he does.

 

I think some more distance and time away can give you a more objective view

of how you feel.

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Yeah, I've realised in the past hour I need to go NC again!

 

I'm probably not thinking entirely straight as I'm stressed and suffering from awful PMS but still...I've been crying for the past hour as I was convinced I missed him and wanted him back today and got so happy when he texted, then got so upset when he said he had to go. All these ''he doesn't want to text me? what's wrong with me? he wanted to text me a lot last month, what have I done wrong?'' thoughts came into my head and I freaked out! I know I'm not thinking clearly cos of other stuff but that doesn't excuse the fact that contacting him does make me really stressed. It'll be hard to go NC again, though, as that buzz I get when he does contact me (when he's in a good mood, not like today) is amazing. . .

 

I'm also really angry at him right now. I'm not going into the reasons why I broke NC as I'm paranoid about who may be reading this but I'l say that I contacted him to support him going through a VERY rough time. I put aside my pride and my healing to be there for him as a friend. I got him an Xmas present worth $50 even though I have no job atm and I'm a student. And all I've gotten is small talk and details about his upcoming trip abroad with his friends in return in our conversations.

 

RANT

I'm not trying to say it's the most important thing in the world, but I think when your ex who've you been in NC with for months contacts you to help you through a rough time at the expense of her own emotions, and when this contact leads to reconciling a friendship with your ex, then there needs to be some acknowledgement of it. What I mean by this is, I'm annoyed that my ex has treated my current contact with him as normal. I know my ex, he's the most sensitive guy alive, but he doesn't show it. I'm pretty sure my contact must have had some sort of an effect on him, but he won't show it. I just wish he'd arrange to meet me for a chat - nothing romantic or nothing reconciliatory - but just some chat saying '' thanks for being there for me, I'm glad we're talking again'' - because I know that's how he feels! I wish he'd tell me how he felt about me. Are we friends? Does he hate me? Is there apathy there? Does he miss me? Does he love me? I DON'T KNOW!!

 

When he sees me or texts me, he acts as if he's hanging out with the guys. He doesn't seem to acknowledge the fact that a little bit of clarity over the whole six-months-of-no-contact-and-now-we're-in-contact-again-but-no-one-knows-how-the-other-one-feels-situation would be quite useful. He's acting as if it's not in the slightest bit strange that all of a sudden we're talking again! We were in STONE COLD NC FOR SIX MONTHS. Now we're talking again and there's been no deep conversation, no discussion of feelings, no clarity, not even him opening up to me about his bad situation...how very annoying.

 

Thanks for reading this, and I hate to be so insecure but please keep the advice coming, I need it more than ever

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have you ever heard of the concept "to pay it forward"?

 

it is the idea that you do something good for someone without that person having done anything to you to deserve it and without ever expecting something back from that person except that this person in respect will do something good to someone else.

 

I would try to see the help you have given him after the breakup just for that have paid some positive karma to someone, karma will pay it back to you sometime, it probably won't be through him, but that is not important anyway.

 

his ability going from 6 month of NC into casual contact without acknowledging the past is usually a clear cut sign that in head there is no ambiguity about feelings or not. for him it is over and he reached out to you as a friend.

 

just go NC, if he is as sensitive as you claim, he will accept it. if not, then he is not worth your thoughts anyway

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Thanks for your advice.

 

In my crying fit earlier, I was screaming ''karma'd better repay me for this!!''. I've done so much for him and all I've gotten has been a 'cheers' in return.

 

I'm also sick of him giving me mixed messages. If he's over me he shouldn't be texting me as regularly as he does. He shouldn't be bringing up past memories and remembering tiny little things we did a year ago.

 

Again, like everything else about him, it's so hard to know what he really feels. I swear - no exaggeration - he could be 100% over me or could be wanting to get back with me and stay with me forever, and his behaviour towards me would be exactly the same regardless of the situation. I'm not kidding. That's the kind of damaged person he is.

 

It's always hard to tell what a young guy is thinking, but he just takes it to a whole new level....

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Minor addition - I forgot to add two things to the I *am* over him list :

 

- I saw a picture of him the other day and I physically recoiled! This is good, I guess!

 

-When we talk in person, i get bored. There is no chemistry, really.

 

So I guess more reasons to suggest I am over him....despite the fact I've been crying over him for the past hour. Argh.

 

Sorry to be burdening everyone with this, esp as I haven't been posting much recently. I'm just so down

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I think it's normal for your heart and your head to be in two different places. I know mine are. You can know in your mind that the relationship was not good for you, or that you are currently incompatible, but it usually takes your heart much longer to follow suit.

 

Try not to beat yourself up too much. Just let yourself feel what you're going to feel.

 

I'm right there with you on the whole "not feeling appreciated" thing. Sometimes it is hard for me to believe that my ex won't look back one day and smack herself for giving up a relationship with someone who was so willing to give at the expense of themselves.

 

I don't know about you, but I know that I was often guilty of the "unspoken contract" when it came to doing things for her. By this I mean I gave to receive. I thought that the harder I worked to be everything she wanted and needed, the more she would love me. Couldn't be further from the truth, and makes sense if you think about it. If you knew someone was hurting themselves to be there for you, how would you feel? Would you have respect for someone who doesn't respect themselves? People typically don't respond positively to people who treat them like they are better than they perceive themselves to be. It just makes them uncomfortable.

 

You sound like a very giving person. Sounds like you need to be with someone who is more willing to GIVE, as well as TAKE.

 

Hang in there!

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I'm not sure if you've alluded to this but I have to ask you ..

 

Do you want to get over this person?

 

If so, then just go back to NC. Although he went through a rough time in his life, did he actually ask you for help? Just because you took it upon yourself to initiate contact again and be there for him as a friend, you shouldn't expect him to be super appreciative if he never asked for help in the first place. He didn't know how difficult it was for you. He didn't know where you were in the healing process. Let go of those expectations. If he cannot thank you simply for your kind acts, why do you want this friendship? From what you describe of his attitude, it seems like he's doing just fine without you. You were not ready for friendship at the time, and it's clear you are not ready for friendship now. I suggest that you go back to NC until you no longer question if you're over him or not. You're almost there!!

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First question why do you HAVE to be over him or not over him? Why can't you just be "getting over him"? It's a process, it takes time each feeling is a feeling within the process. Each feeling will change over time, some will disappear completely other will just fade.

 

So you're not over him, but you're not, NOT over him. It doesn't have to be so cut and dry. Like I said it's a process.

 

I'd still advise against contact, seems like it's holding you back. It's continually going to confuse you if you're texting him, waiting for him to text you back, getting nervous around him how will you ever get over him when you're not letting yourself get over him? Think about that.

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Personally, I question the concept of karma. I've seen way too many ex-gfs get away with far too much unscathed. When I do good things, as much as possible, I make sure that my heart is right in doing it; in other words, it's not to get something back, it's just for the sheer goodness of doing something good for someone else. Just my $0.02 on that.

 

At any rate, it really doesn't sound like you're over him. It DOES sound like you're moving towards that (with moments of weakness, but we all have those). Don't be in such a hurry to get into another relationship either. My first REALLY bad heartbreak was followed by about a year or so of depression. The year and a half that followed, although I wasn't in a relationship, was one of the happiest times of my life...I truly enjoyed being single...was ALMOST disappointed it came to an end when I met the next girl I got into a relationship with

 

Hang in there...we're all here for you

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argh! i had a long reply typed out and thought I had posted it, evidently not.

 

the reply basically said thanks to the recent replies.

 

i've felt a lot better the past week about everything. the pms is gone (ladies will know how significant this is!), some other things I was stressed about are no longer relevant, I've gotten a lot of sleep the past week, and most significantly, I haven't heard from the ex in about 6 days.

 

I know I stil have a long way to go, but I think - like other people have said - a lot of my upset at the breakup is merely down to not being in a relationship NOW. A lot of it is also habit. Thinking about him is a habit. Going on his myspace first thing in the morning is a habit. The cycle can be broken if I apply myself!

 

I was in the area where my ex lives yesterday with a friend who lives near him and I honestly did not give him a thought! That feeling was so nice!

 

Also, on a side note, I've realised that us getting back together would not work at all. I've realised, while I care for him deeply, I have no respect for him. I can't respect someone who can't commit to anything or anyone. I can't respect someone who gets drunk most nights of the week. I can't respect someone who has no concept of responsibility. I can't respect someone who is afraid to show their lovely, kind, sensitive, deep side because they're afraid of what their macho friends will think.

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  • 2 weeks later...

hung out with the ex last night, he got all my hopes up for reconciliation with some things he said in texts but is still treating me like one of the guys.

 

I'm going NC again. I don't know * * * he wants, and at this stage, I don't even care. This last month has been so weird in terms of the ex. I don't know what it all means. I believe everything happens for a reason, but what's the reason behind me helping my ex out just when i'm over him, him getting my hopes up, and then nothing happening? urgh!

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