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I want my marriage to work.


a_far

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But I don't know how to make it work.

 

I feel like I've done all I could do and I feel like I am the only one trying. If it weren't for my trying he would've walked away by now.

 

If he is so unhappy with me, why did he marry me?

 

Please refer to my previous post. I am looking for some kind words.

 

 

 

Thanks.

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have you thought about marriage counceling? do you think that can help make your marriage work?

 

My husband talks about it and says he wants to do it and I agree with him and tell him lets do it! But it never gets put into action.

 

I think it would help.

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Is that him in the pic? It kinda creeps me out like you are kissing an 12 year old lol. Maybe it's the hat. I read your post and it sounds like your guy wants no part of a marriage and acts like a 12 year old too. I'd check into an annulment while it's early.

 

Well, no he's not a 12 year old boy, but a 26 year old boy rather!

 

Why would he marry me if he didn't want to? I didn't ask him to marry me. He asked me to marry him. It seems like now that he's in it, he doesn't want to be and he is looking for any excuse to get out. It doesn't make sense to me. I've done nothing wrong it hurts. It hurts so bad.

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My husband talks about it and says he wants to do it and I agree with him and tell him lets do it! But it never gets put into action.

 

I think it would help.

 

 

Do you actually know of a good marriage therpist at all? if you dont then call your insurance provider and see which one of them excepts your insurance because without it its gonna be costly too. when you find one make a call and set up an appointment. can you call to set up an appointment ? When you do let your husband know the time and the date and see what the therpist say's. i've been begging my husband to go with me he say's we dont have problems when i say we do. so i'm in the same situation too.

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Hi,

I know how you feel. It is very frustrating to try and save something that the other person shows such disregard for, like it was nothing to them. I think it shows that you are willing to do what it takes to have a better relationship but at some point we must give in to reality. I gave my ex 3 chances but she kept going back to her loser bf and I had to give up. I have no regrets though. Looking back I know I did things I thought I wasn't capable of for the love I thought was there.

You will at some point need to start being selfish a little and begin to see what this is doing to you. You know you are tired and frustrated and can't see any hope but you continue. I know this isn't what you want and since none of us can control someone else s actions and thoughts we must begin to find a way to accept what our hearts aren't willing to even consider.

 

I hope you don't loose yourself while trying to save your marriage.

 

lost

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Do you actually know of a good marriage therpist at all? if you dont then call your insurance provider and see which one of them excepts your insurance because without it its gonna be costly too. when you find one make a call and set up an appointment. can you call to set up an appointment ? When you do let your husband know the time and the date and see what the therpist say's. i've been begging my husband to go with me he say's we dont have problems when i say we do. so i'm in the same situation too.

 

I did not know insurance would cover that, that's great! I will definetly look into that. I know he will be all for it, I think it's just a matter of me making the iniative and setting it up myself. If I wait for him to do it, it'll never happen.

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I hope you don't loose yourself while trying to save your marriage.

 

I feel like I am already losing myself. Because like I said, if it weren't for me putting it all out on the line, he'd be gone by now. Sometimes I wonder what I am holding onto.

 

How long were you engaged? Sounds like he is freaking out...but most of the time this comes out while engaged and wedding planning etc.

 

We were engaged for a year before we got married.

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Hmmm I guess marriage counseling is a good start but I kind of find it hard to believe he's so open to attend. I think he was calling your bluff on that one. Oh well sign up and see what happens. That's all you can do.

 

Also marriage counseling 2 months in...I dunno. I've never been married but I would guess the first couple months are supposed to be great?

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It takes two people to make a marriage work, and i'm not sure he is mature enough to do that.

 

Your other thread talks about him hanging out with buddies, drinking, bowling, playing video games, shooting hoops at the gym... all things a teenaged boy would do.

 

He doesn't want to be tied down and committed to a wife, and you're not even living together so he's living like he's a teenaged boy and doesn't want the trouble of marriage because it cramps his style.

 

Your only hope here is to go to marriage counseling with him to investigate whether he really wants to be married, and if so, to learn that marriage is a partnership, where you live together and have common goals, and he has to quit acting like a teenager. If he can't/won't do that, then you can't make the marriage work because he is not wanting it to work.

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All valid points, thank you. You are right he is acting like a teenager.

 

He doesn't want to be tied down and committed to a wife. So why would he marry me? Why take such a HUGE step if he wasn't ready? It makes no sense to me. I never forced marriage upon him.

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But you are assuming he really gave it enough thought to really understand what marriage means. Perhaps he was jealous and didn't want to take the chance you'd leave him so he married you. Or he thought it was a good idea at the time, til he realized being married would cramp his style. Or he's questioning whether he should not have gotten married and should have stuck with that other woman you saw the letter from.

 

Marriage can frequently put people into a panic and wreck a relationship, if the person wasn't sure or not ready for marriage. They feel trapped and have those 'oh my god what did i just do' moments, and can behave very badly.

 

Frequently too, once people propose, even if they have doubts, they don't want to stop the wedding and have everyone mad at them, or else they think it is just pre-wedding jitters and after the marriage it will be fine, when what happens is after the marriage it gets worse.

 

So it could be that marriage for him fell into the category of 'seemed like a good idea at the time', and now he just doesn't want to act like a married man and work on the marriage with you.

 

people can and do have very different ideas of what marriage means. if his own parents never did anything together and didn't like each other very much, perhaps he doesn't think he has to treat you well. so lots of things could explain his behavior.

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But you are assuming he really gave it enough thought to really understand what marriage means. Perhaps he was jealous and didn't want to take the chance you'd leave him so he married you. Or he thought it was a good idea at the time, til he realized being married would cramp his style. Or he's questioning whether he should not have gotten married and should have stuck with that other woman you saw the letter from.

 

That thought NEVER crossed my mind until I read those letters and found out the truth about what went on with them two. This woman seemed very eagar to make her point accross and people don't throw it all out there like that if they aren't getting anything in return. There was something between them and it kills me. But I am willing to look past all that because he is with me and NOT her.

 

We've been together for so long and invested so much in one another. We were good as boyfriend and girlfriend and thought we'd be just as happy, if not happier as a married couple and failure never crossed my mind. I guess marriage just runied everything that we had.

 

He doesn't want me living with him and he doesn't want to help me during this very difficult time. Who else do you lean on in troubled times? It shouldn't be a question as to whether or not you can go to your husband, that should just be a given. Married people live together, that's what they do. That's what marriage is about. I've been so blind.

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He is very much controlling this situation by acting like a teenager rather than a husband, but you can take control back by deciding you won't put up with this. It is ridiculous that he doesn't want you living with him and is refusing to live with you if you've lost your job and need support.

 

Your first task is to rely on someone you can trust to get help, whether that is family members or friends. Don't focus on him at all now, just focus on finding a place to live and finding a job. I would go into no contact with him and tell him you only want to hear from him if he wants to be a real husband and have you come live with him. Otherwise it is over. It is ridiculous for him to not let you move in, and i think if he really doesn't want you to move in, you have to accept that he has decided he doesn't want to get married.

 

Don't give him all the 'benefits' like having sex with him if he won't let you move in and be his wife. Otherwise he's just using you.

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I am so miserable. He came to my room after work, he works nights and didn't get off until 4am.

 

He was tired so we didn't even speak besides i love you, goodnight.

 

Then when we woke up this morning we made love, took a shower together, then he got a cup of coffee and said he was going to the gym for basketball and then left.

 

I started crying when he was getting his things to go. I cried to him telling him he's always mad at me. He told me he wasn't mad at me to stop crying. He gave me a hug and a kiss and walked out.

 

My marriage is over and I just don't want to see it. I have nothing and nowhere to go. No money, no job, no place to live. Not like he offers me any of those things.

 

I am scared to leave him.

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honey, it's CRAZY that he doesn't want to live with you and support you when you have no job... that is what spouses do, support each other.

 

talk to him tonight and tell him that as his wife you expect to live with him, and see what he says. if he says no, then call your family or friends and make arrangements to live elsewhere. Don't keep having sex with him and let him walk all over you.

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honey, it's CRAZY that he doesn't want to live with you and support you when you have no job... that is what spouses do, support each other.

 

talk to him tonight and tell him that as his wife you expect to live with him, and see what he says. if he says no, then call your family or friends and make arrangements to live elsewhere. Don't keep having sex with him and let him walk all over you.

 

I have told him that. I've told him that over and over. He never has any sort of response to it.

 

We finally talked a little bit right now before he went to work and he apologized for all his blow ups, especially the one about my dog. He told me he is just stressed out about having to support us both. He's hardly supporting me. I say that because I don't ask him for money because when I do it turns into a fight. I am scared to talk to him about anything.

 

I shouldn't have to be scared to talk to my husband.

 

I spoke with a friend today and she offered me to stay with her. She lives 2 hours away. My husband will be gone for 10 days and I don't know if I should go for those 10 days or stay here and look for work.

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It seems fair to say that the loss of your job and place is really frustrating him. He is reacting all wrong ofcourse, he's being an ass, but he seems stressed out to me. I reckon if you got a job right now things would ease up. But after all that, it also does'nt sound like he really realised what he was getting into, with the marriage.. it sounds like he is'nt ready.

 

You need to get some real answers from him, don't just settle for him skirting around issues you guys have, I have done that so much.

 

Have you mentioned an annulment to him atall?

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Does HE want this marriage to work?

No point in fighting at something alone when your partner can't even be bothered to work at it together.

 

Quite frankly, this behavior would leave me completely appalled.

 

What happened to the vows, what happened for better or worse, richer or poorer, sickness and in health?

 

He isn't being a husband, he's still a boy. He can't man up and be there like he is and has ALOT of growing up to do...

 

I'd be walking away because I wouldn't stay in a one sided relationship with a man I married and wanted as a PARTNER. He isn't a partner in any way or fashion.

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It seems fair to say that the loss of your job and place is really frustrating him. He is reacting all wrong ofcourse, he's being an ass, but he seems stressed out to me. I reckon if you got a job right now things would ease up. But after all that, it also does'nt sound like he really realised what he was getting into, with the marriage.. it sounds like he is'nt ready.

 

You need to get some real answers from him, don't just settle for him skirting around issues you guys have, I have done that so much.

 

Have you mentioned an annulment to him atall?

 

I completely get that he is stressed and frustrated that I don't have a job. Like you said, that's fair but the way he is handling it is wrong. It's finances and I do believe that once I get on my feet with a job, all this will ease up. Although, I don't ask him for money.

 

But the living situation, there is really no excuse for that.

 

I asked him today what he wanted me to do for the ten days that he's going to be gone. Either stay with my friend or stay here in my hotel room. He said, well can you pay for the room? Obviously NO I cannot. So if I go, then that's 10 days I won't be able to look for a job which will only stretch this battle out even more. I'd like to have something in the works by the time he gets back, but right now it doesn't seem like an option, as I do not have the money for a room for ten days.

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I think you need to look at this not as a marriage but as a dating situation. You may be technically married but there is nothing about any of this that sounds like any marriage to me.

He has not taken any responsibility for anything. It is time for you to quit looking to him for answers to your questions.

 

Please go stay with your friend for a while and try and find a job there. You will never be able to get him to act like a man instead of a boy and it is tearing you apart waiting.

Even if you had a great job, there are so many other issues here that scream RUN!.

I am sorry this is happening but it appears that you are letting it happen as much as he is doing it. Take control back of your life and quit being intimate with him.

 

lost

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Why is it that the hardest things to do in life are probably the best things to do?

 

I know deep down that I need to walk away from this so called marriage and never look back but doing it is another story.

 

I guess I am just hoping for a change. I guess I am thinking if I just stick it out it'll get better.

 

I don't know what I am so afraid to lose here. Maybe the only thing I've known for the past 3-4 years?

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