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A very interesting situation...


Griffy232

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So I met my now ex-girlfriend shortly before I moved off to college. I found out that she lives directly next to me in my dorm building, I am in one room and she is literally the next door to my right.

 

Up until this past friday we were dating, when lately we had some issues with eachother. Twice she talked to her ex boyfriend behind my back, once she was at a party and I ended up by chance seeing a photo of them together. Then a second time just about a month ago I found out she was speaking to him on facebook and she told him she loved him. Putting all of this aside, I really couldnt see myself ending it with her as much as I wanted, my feelings for her were too strong.

 

But as I mentioned before, the problems lately were the fact that I have a temper and some mood swings and she got tired of it. (Personally I see where she is coming from but its great how I can look past major problems like her telling her ex she loves him and then have her break up with me.)

 

Now that winter break is over we are back to school, living very close to one another, and she tells me she wants to see that I can control my anger and mood swings before she gets back into a relationship. Things seem 98% normal besides the lack of an official relationship title and that I feel as if I need to watch my every move similar to the beginning of the relationship. She continues to want my attention, wants to be held and kissed, openly admits to wanting me sexually. Tells me that she is not interested in other people or doing anything with anyone else, but my question is...what is the correct way to handle the situation?

 

Do I act as if nothing is wrong and do my best to curb my issues and assume we will get back together, having her tell me she doesnt want to see anyone else.

 

Or do I do the opposite and give it maybe a few more days and then if nothing on her side of things has changed just walk away?

 

I am one to analyze and oversee everything, I am terribly good at dwelling on things and I can think about the worse case scenario till I make myself sick. Decision making is normally not much of a task, but in the realm of relationships I certainly have a hard time.

 

Any help is appreciated, thanks!

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Man, I wished my girlfriend in college lived right next door to me! You probably pushed her away by getting angry at her talking to her ex, girls see that as jealousy. And I'm assuming her ex is playing his part with the ladies which she might see as attractive. Make sure you're doing your part to keep her attracted too. Show her you know how to have a good time, flirt lightly with other girls so she can see you as desirable, then she'll never leave your side.

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I realize now after we are separated for the time being that I should have just taken things with less seriousness but she still does live next to me, and I feel as if the time that she is deciding wether or not she wants to be in a relationship with me is just her way of nicely and slowly pushing me away for good. I need to do something to win her back for good. But its hard when I feel as if she is slowly pushing me away. Not sure what to do.

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I cant decide which is better to do, give her the constant attention she needed while we were in a relationship (I dont know if this would annoy her and cause her to push me away even more). Or do I give her some space, but make sure my presense is known and hope that some lack of attention doesnt cause her to lose interest all together?

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are you saying that because you would like her back that for the time being you are suppressing your mood swings and your anger till the relationship is reestablished, but that you are not intending to make a serious offer to get a handle on your anger and your mood swings?

 

I would recommend that whatever you decide to do about your relationship, you have to make a serious effort to learn why you have these issues, how to overcome/ handle them before you can maintain a lasting relationship with anybody.

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I fully intend on mending my issues, one because I love her very much and two I know if things don't work out these problems will effect future relationships.

 

I want to change for myself and for the future, and also because I want her back and I know its the best for me, and if a relationship is reconciled it is certainly best for that as well.

 

She is skeptical that things will change, as most people would be, but this time for her to decide if she wants a relationship seems to be turning into her way of slowly pushing me away. I am sticking to my word, showing her what we both want but at the same time it is getting difficult because I feel as if she is not whole heartedly apart of this anymore.

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We spoke about this, all she has to say is that she needs to see change in me before she goes back into a relationship. Im am fearful to discuss this too much because I dont want to become an annoyance, similar as to why I am skeptical to give her all the attention she used to want.

 

Its a fine line between showing that I am changing, giving her the attention so she knows I am still going to stick to my word, and over-doing everything to the point of where she may become even less interested.

 

I dont want to chase too much and overwhelm her, nor do I want to seem desperate.

 

I dont want to not chase enough, not give her enough of the attention she may want and have her think that I care less than I did before.

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so if she wants to have proof first before committing to you, then i would take a step back and say you are taking time/ space to focus on yourself, but before she is ready/ willing to commit you are not able/ willing to be have an undefined relationship.

 

make yourself a bit scarce, so that she has the opportunity to miss you and to decide for herself if she wants a relationship with you.

 

she can't have it both ways either: she cannot expect the same kind of attention from you that she would deserve in a relationship, while she keeps her options open to take you back or not.

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For 4 days after she decided she wanted to end things I did alot of thinking and self reflection, I am still doing some but most of anything I could think about or do to help better myself is mostly at work. (Less thinking as of now and more doing.)

 

Making myself scarce does sound in theory like a good idea, but its very hard to do that when my first reaction is to just show her how much I like her. Nor do I want that to turn into her becoming less interested (but as hard as it is I guess there is no changing what she really wants, and if she does become less interested I will have to find out soon anyway.)

 

She knows how much I love her, I can only hope she will notice that I only want to better myself and be with her and my worse case scenario doesn't actually occur.

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if you tell her that you respect that she doesn't want to be in a relationship with you while you still have to work some things for yourself and that therefore you will take a step back, you are putting the ball into her court that SHE has to make a decision to be committed to you yes or no.

 

i know it is scary to seemingly give control to the other person, but actually by taking a step back you should gain more respect for yourself from you and her.

 

if you continue to accept all of her conditions and accept every single time that she is the one who controls how much you see of her, what you call the relationship, then you are not setting healthy boundaries for yourself.

 

while she has a right to expect from you that you do some emotional growth, you have the same right from her.

 

she cannot be the one to come running to you whenever she needs you, but to push you away when she is not in the mood to deal with you.

 

if you just accept everything, you are not speaking up for yourself that and she has no real need to commit to you.

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I understand exactly what you are getting at here, and it is exactly how I feel regarding how its not fair that when she needs me i am there, and times when she doesnt want to be bothered.

 

I already told her that I respect her decision to want time to think things over, I am doing my best to curb problems in the past.

 

Is it necessary that I actually tell her that I need my own space and take a step back? The last 3 days since we have been back to school living next to each other I have been acting normal and no issues have occurred, im sure she will question as to why I am ok, and all of the sudden I need space.

 

In regards to the control issue, one would assume that if I am accepting her conditions (which i am as of now and i know needs to end) that she is in control already?

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i find it more honest to say it upfront, so she doesn't have to wonder what is going on with you.

 

as i said it will just demonstrate that you are truly taking steps to becoming more mature, and part of it is to set healthy boundaries for yourself as well.

 

by telling her directly that you are taking a step back she is immediately confronted with the situation that she herself has to make a decision what part she wants to play in your life.

 

you are not closing any doors, you are just saying that you are giving both yourself and her the opportunity to rethink the relationship in a healthy way.

 

and yes, currently you have given her all control, because she is the one calling all the shots. that is not fair to you.

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She just returned from work and already I feel uneasy. From what I can tell she knows that she has control and toys with me sometimes. She will say I have an attitude (when I really dont) or that I am being weird (and nothing is different).

 

She puts me on the spot and I feel like she is testing me to see how I will react. And Im pretty sure she is trying to make me jealous as well because twice today she comes into my room and only asks how her outfit looks then walks out not even interested in anything other than her appearance.

 

Blah.

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Im just trying to figure out exactly what I will say to her when I do decide to say I want to take a step back.

 

If I have been acting normal for the last 3 days and she is basically throwing the power she has around and acts like she has me by the groin i cant figure out how she will react. I am fearful of that reaction, and of exactly what to say. Being hesitant comes along with all of this.

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try to write it down what you want to say to her. it really helps to see your thoughts and to be able to rewrite if necessary. so when you are ready to talk to her it will be easier for you to stick with your plan and not be thrown off by her emotional games

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that's very difficult for me to say without knowing more about the way you are communicating.

 

But in general I would say that I suggest to take everything out that you would define as doing 'in a relationship': no kissing; limited contact.

 

because you are trying to tell her that she has to make up also her mind if she wants a relationship with you or not. so everything that is "relationship stuff" she should be "deprived off" for the time being, so she can miss that (or better both of you) and you can decide if you want to share a relationship, and if yes than in all aspects and in both directions (i mean she cannot be the one who demands all the attention from you, but then backs off, everytime you need her).

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