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mnkgriff

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Hi, I've been dating my girlfriend for about 5 years. I wouldn't say our relationship has been perfect, but I don't think anyone can. I have always loved her, but I'm kind of held back to show it. I'm just kinda shy and don't like to show a lot of emotion. This past weekend she told me she was wasn't feeling the "connection with me". She loves being with me, but just doesn't feel in love with me right now. If she broke up with me right there, I would say there is very little hope. However, we came to an agreement to stay together to kind of give this a little more time and see if our love sparks again. I asked her if she wanted to be in love with me and she said she does, she just isn't right now. B/c i have a little bit of OCD i think, I asked her what are my chances, so I have something to work off of. SHe said she didn't know and I asked her above or below 50%. She said above. After this I have been a little more appreciative and showed it to her. It may seem a lil fake to her, but its really not. When you lose something, you appreciate it more. I'm on the verge of losing her and my emotions are coming out, I'm not faking it. We went to the zoo and had the best time we have had it a long time together. We held hands and shared a few kisses, but nothing serious. I haven't seen her in two days (we normally see each other everyday) and I feel she is kind of avoiding me. We are both in college and she has a new rommate (girl) that she has become close friends with and is doing everything with. Honestly, I don't really have a problem with this at all. It's not a guy and we don't hang out with our friends a ton, so I feel she is just happy to have a good friend that's a girl. She's kind of making up little excuses for me to not sleep over like she has homework, but last semester we were able to find days during the week when we could sleepover. She seems happy when she is with me, but rushed to get back to what she was doing with her new roomate or by herself when I talk to her over the phone. I think this is just a phase she is going through. I hope. I think she was getting a little bored and has something a little different now. I do have faith she loves me. Does anyone have any advice or opinions? I don't want to seem like I'm desperately trying to get involved in everything she does but I don't want phase her out either. Sorry for the long story. Any comment his helpful. I actually feel a little bit more positive just form typing it all.

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I dont believe with love you can fall out of love and then have an above fifty percent chance of falling back in love. It doesnt work like that.

 

Keep making the effort like you are, it seems your getting on well. Just dont be surprised if it doesnt work out, it sounds like shes fallen out of love.

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just give her a little space now- which it sounds like you are.

she may be experiencing a little "Grass is Greener" thing here, what with the new girl friend and all. If ya'll are still in college, this isn't uncommon.

It sounds like you are doing things well and not pressuring her. That is the only real road to working things out, if it is possible.

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opinions are opinions, so you should just take them for what they are. But depending on the person, love can be slipped into and out of depending on the season, or the connection level.

 

When someone falls out of love with a person, in their heart, they've usually realized that things are not working out and the "routine" or the relationship has gotten old and moldy. To get someone to fall in love with a person is a very tricky thing to do. It's not the mind that controls how a person feels, at least not completely. Some of the things people may say can trigger feelings of love or attaction in someone, but to really make a person fall back in love with another, there has to be a lot of triggering going on. Think about it, love in felt in the heart, thereforee you have to be speaking directly or indirectly to the unconscious mind of a person. So by showing her that you appreciate some of the things she does or that you appreciate her in general, can be seen as "that's so fake" and pushed into the unconsious as "awkward", thereforee unconsciously she will feel more awkward toward you unknowingly. But it can also be seen as "this person really cares for me", and be pushed in to the unconsious as "friendship", then she'll see you as a friend. But if the "this person really cares for me" is still laced with love(and I don't mean friendly love), then supposedly the unconsious mind will recognize it as "love", thereforee making her fall back in love with you.

 

Again, this is only an opinion so take it for what it is.

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I agree totally with nowonder that people do slip "in and out of love." I think mature folks recognize this as a lull in a GOOD relationship (if indeed it is good) and try to work on it.

 

Immature folks will cheat or dump their mate with no effort and then spend their lives chasing that honeymoon/"in love" feeling that will always leave them eventually.

 

It can be recreated, but it takes both partners being willing to do so.

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thanks for the responses everybody. i know that it was stupid to ask her what are my chances, but i just wanted something hopeful to hear and i got it.

 

i def understand the lull being a phase in the relationship. we have been together for 5 years. that's not terribly long, but i'm only 20 and for us, with all of our friends getting into and out of relationships, this is a long time. we had times when we have gotten a little bored with each other and we both did immature things. however, this time i think it was very mature of her to approach me and tell me what's actually going on rather then give me some bs excuse to break up. that make me feel that, deep down, she does want to fall back in love with me. i hope we get through this and if we do, i'm glad to know that she is willing to talk about it rather than bottle up her emotions which she has done in the past.

 

update: tonight i picked her up from work and we grabbed a bite to eat. we had a really good time. we were both laughing and talking in a way we haven't in long time. she was still a tiny bit hesitant to give me a kiss goodbye which feels so strange when it has become so natural for so long, but she did. i knew i would of been really upset if she didn't kiss me b/c then i would of felt like we were just having fun as friends rather than a couple. it wasn't a long kiss or anything, just a peck, but even the way she smiled at me when she walked away from the car made me feel so good. i don't want to get my hopes up but i really hope she still loves me.

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glad everything went well. don't take this the wrong way but: you shouldn't put yourself through that kind of torture. When you said that you would be upset if she didn't kiss you or whatever you said. You should not let people control the way you feel by their actions. Hope everything works out for you, but think of it this way, things will be great if they work out, but if they don't, at least you'll have yourself and that's all you need. later then.

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I am in the same boat as you are in mnkgriff, Im madly in love with my ex and she dont know if she feels the same way about me. when she broke up with me she said that I had a chance with her too. we still hang out but the first few months were hard and painful. she grew distant from me and I hated it. Im still in love with her but I learned to cope with it. I made mistakes along the way that made her clearly state that we would never get back together but she still puts up with me so thats the only hope I have been going off of. it sounds like you are doing everything perfect and saying all the right answers, I cant really offer any advice because im worse off then you are, but I would love to know how you make out in this situation

 

best of luck my friend

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I think the best thing you can do right now is just to give her some space. Think about it, no matter what you say, she will not suddenly realize that she still loves you, but if you give her space and time apart, she may realize on her own. Absense makes the heart grow fonder, and if she still loves you, she'll realize it when you give her her space. If one of your friends were to go from hanging out with you everyday, then suddenly stop, wouldn't that make you miss them, at least a little bit? Not to be harsh, but sometimes people do fall out of love, in this case, it will be extremely hard to get back with her. There is a thread on here somewhere that suggests that the "dumper" will really start to see life without the "dumpee" once contact is broken for 6 to 8 weeks. This would be the best time to reconcile, if any. Just an opinion here.

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Thanks everyone for the responses again. This is a great site. It is unfortunately comforting that reading others peoples stories make me feel a little better even know some of them are very sad.

 

Update: Ok, so my friend is visiting me for a few days, which my gf actually organized for my birthday. She went to pick him up from the airport and she told him that she thinks we may break up. Later on that night my friend told me she said this and she texted him "don't be filling his head with any ideas". I guess that means don't give me false hope. I was going nuts and called her. We talked for about an hour. I told told her that I've been thinking about our situation and I feel I know why we have grown apart. We don't really do anything anymore because we are so comfortable with each other. When we went home for winter break (we live accross the street from each other and our families get along real well) all we did was hang out with our family. Which was fine, but we never made any one-on-one time. In fact we never did much other than hang out for awhile before break. I told her we should should try to go out to dinner and a club or whatever like once a week so we can look forward to it during the week and have those times when we are flirting and connecting with each other rather than just hanging out. She agreed with me. The next day (yesterday), she started her day off bad because she found out she needed to take a few more classes to graduate. She called later on and started going off about how much she hated her life and all this other stuff. She was crying and drinking a little bit. She said she hates that everyone is getting on her case for everything and she didn't mean me. I told her I will always be there for her no matter what and stuff like that. I could tell it made her feel a little better. That night me, my friend, her, and her roommate when to a club. We had an awesome time. Granted we were a little tipsy from a power hour before, but nonetheless it was a lot of fun. She danced with me, was holding my hand, and kissing me on the neck. Even when we got separated for moment some guy asked her to dance and she grabbed me and said she was here with her boyfriend. That was the highlight of the night for me. I'm waiting now for her to come pick us up with my car so we can go to the mall and do whatever. I still am not completely sure what to think. She seems very serious when she tells me its not working, but she seems very happy to be with me. My plan after this weekend when my friend leaves, is to give her some more space to appreciate me. I know she will. Keep enough contact so she realizes that I do care about her, but I'm giving her space. Only hang out mostly when she asks me to and try and go on a few dates. I will update again after today. Thanks for being there everyone.

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Well, my situation hasn't changed much. We did a few things together this weekend. We had a good with each other. She tells me that she still feels like best friends and not in love right. She doesn't kiss me. We went food shopping today right before I dropped her off and she locked arms with me as were walking around. She is not dumb and I know she doesn't want to hurt me. She knows that sends a signal to me and if she believed things would not work out or if she didn't want them too, she wouldn't do things like this. I am so confused right now. I know I'm not gonna to be able concentrate at school this week at all. I'm trying to give her some space this week. It doesn't feel like the right situation to go to complete NC. I think that's a worst case kind of thing. Has anyone else had a similar situation where they received mixed signals and what they did?

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hey man, look at it this way, you're still young. Take a look at the big picture here, this is probably your first love and you'll have more, you won't know what you might be missing out on by staying put. Sometimes people send mixed signals because they are trying to send a signal other than the one they are feeling. Look, I'm 26 now, and I just got out of a relationship about two months ago, she was my first love and the relationship lasted about 20 months(a little over a year and a half). During the last two months of my relationship, I was sent a signal of content, like everything was okay, then suddenly I get home one night and I see her with teary eyes, then it was over. And losing a first love is probably harder than losing your second or third... or whatever I don't know. But time will heal all wounds.

 

 

Really though, I feel for you, and it's hard to be in a situation where you feel that helpless. But sometimes it's better to just get an answer so you can either move on and let the healing process begin, or continue on with the relationship. Being as young as you are, there are a lot of things that are changing and will change for you mentally and for her also, as you both mature and grow as people, sometimes people fall out of love because they grow apart.

 

 

Best wishes.

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In about an hour, I'm going to pick her up from work and we are going to grab a bite to eat. Normally I would sleep over her apartment after or at least hang out for a little and then leave, but lately I have just been dropping her off and leaving with a kiss on the cheek. This is absolutely brutal. I feel like I'm going to lose my cool tonight and breakdown. I'm trying to giver her space, but I hate it. I just want things to be back to normal. Why can't she see after five years that we will never have a connection with anyone else like we do with each other. If I lose my cool tonight I feel it will do nothing except make her upset. She just feels like best friends right now. I CANNOT STAND THIS. All I wanna do is hold her. I feel like I bring up our situation every other time we hang out and she hates talking about it and I receive the same answers. How can you fall out of love??? I have never felt so in love with her. I know if we get back together, we will be so great, that's all i can think about. I need her.

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Last night was horrible. I broke down when I saw her. I knew it was the wrong thing to do, but I did it anyway. I basically heard the same thing that she has been telling me. It's not working out. She just feels like best friends. I wept like a baby and wanted to stay with her. We didn't officially break up, but if there's anything close enough to it, that was it. I woke up this morning and I made a decision. I'm done begging. I knew it was wrong in the first place, but i couldn't control myself. I texted her this morning and told her I was sorry for the way I acted last night. I told her in love or not, she is my best friend and I don't want anything to come between that. I realize she needs space and I'm going to respect that. I'm not going to pressure her to hang out. I'll let her decide when she wants to. And when we do, I'm not going to talk about us. I will just be the way I feel when I'm with her, happy. She said back thanks and she's glad that I can be mature about this whole thing. i don't have to show her how much I love her. She knows I do. IT"S completely out of my control at this point. I'm just going to sit back and talk only when spoken to. It sounds pathetic, but necessary. We are too close with each other to go to NC. I'm going to try to get my life back together. If she wants me to be a part of it I will, but I won't chase anymore. Maybe that will attract her back, who knows. I went the whole day so far without texting her and she just texted me "how was school." I will text her back when she does, but don't want to make a conversation out of it. BTW, another reason I don't want to do NC is because I asked her what she would think if she went without me for a few weeks and didn't talk to me. She said she would think I'm a jerk and not wanna talk back. She's different, I don't think she would respond well to NC. Today was the first day in two weeks that she initiated contact with me. I'm going to have to try and keep it that way. There's no point in us hanging out when she doesn't want to so I can stare at her beautiful face. I just need to play the waiting game and in the meantime make some friends. Another reason this is so hard is because I live in an apartment by myself with no friends that I hang out outside if school, while she lives in an apartment complex with all students. I want her back so bad, but the ball's in her court. I have no control. Just need to be myself.

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Is My Relationship Over - Signs
Is My Relationship Over - Signs

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