Jump to content

Recommended Posts

I'll get right to it, trusting you folks to guide me!

 

Last year, at the end of November, I was engaged. I also had a severe leg injury. I could not walk for months, and even now I have problems.

 

That is not here nor there -- the real problem is that I'm angry at my in-laws. My injury happened in early December 2007. At the time, I lived in a very bad neighborhood. (Don't get me started...)

 

My husband (then-live-in-boyfriend, then-fiance) had committed to seeing his family (consisting of his father, step-mother and their kids) beforehand. He was going to spend Christmas with them. After my injury, he wavered a bit on where to spend Christmas because his father's family was putting the pressure on.

 

Dec 23, 2007 he called his father to tell him he would not be coming, as I was not able to make the trip and had sustained the leg injury. His father yelled at him on the phone (I could hear it) and I heard his father say, "She is a big girl; she can take care of herself!" My fiance was upset after he got off the phone, begging me to go with him, but we knew it wasn't possbile given my leg.

 

So, he left me and I spent Christmas alone, on a couch, elevating my leg and unable to feed myself. For two days. Over Christmas. But, I am "a big girl" and I survived. But I made my fiance promise to NEVER do that to me again.

 

Last year (July) my fiance and I got married. Now, of course, his father and step-in-laws are all interested in me. I'm still angry at them for making my fiance leave my side over Christmas when I need him most.

 

I have avoided meeting them over this... I meant nothing to them then, when we lived together and were engaged, but now that we are married, they want to meet me? When they talk to him on the phone, they say "Send Tethys our love" and I sniff. Right. Like they give a crap.

 

I am very, very hurt over the 2007 Christmas thing. They pressured my husband to see them, and, since we were not married at the time, they were not going to accommodate me as well. (That would would be sinful.) And I could not even move, and I spent Christmas alone, on a frakking couch!

 

And NOW they pretend to care? They invited us to christmas 2008, and I said NO, no way. This year, my husband stayed with me.

 

And they are unhappy -- they haven't met me yet, and I don't care.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Replies 51
  • Created
  • Last Reply

You cant hold a grudge against them forever, sure they were insensitive but you be the bigger person & go meet them.

 

If I held a grudge everytime someone in my family got me mad or did something insulting - I would be left with no family at all.

 

If you dont clear the air with the in-laws, it will eventually put a strain on your relationship with your husband.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

How is that anger helping you? It increases stress, elevates the blood-pressure and takes time and energy away from more productive pastimes.

 

Look on it as an exercise in self-discipline - good for the soul, good for the intellect and good for the general good of people close to you.

 

Plus - you then get to feel morally superior (just a bit, anyway).

Link to comment
Share on other sites

That is awful, the way that you were treated, and on Christmas, no less. Your husband needs to grow a backbone, honestly. You should forgive and forget in this case. They are a part of your family now, and there is no sense in starting the marriage off with all that animosity. Maybe they simply didn't understand the whole situation with your leg, but still... Try to let bygones be bygones and go and meet them.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Well, I'm not going to go out of my way to go see them, that's for sure! If they want to come here to meet me, that is fine.

 

Plus, why was I when I was living with my bf and engaged, but now that I'm his wife, they suddenly care? It seems so phony.

 

Would they ask him now to abandon me over xmas with a broken leg, and nowhere to go?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

How is that anger helping you? It increases stress, elevates the blood-pressure and takes time and energy away from more productive pastimes.

 

Look on it as an exercise in self-discipline - good for the soul, good for the intellect and good for the general good of people close to you.

 

Plus - you then get to feel morally superior (just a bit, anyway).

 

It doesn't help, at all.

 

But I will never go out of my way for them either. I feel that was really effed up, and I don't know why they suddenly "care" -- cuz they don't.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Ugh, poor you. It would be really hard to spend Christmas alone, in need of care!

 

It may be that his parents are the kind of people who will turn the world upside-down for "family" but pretty much ignore everyone else. If that's the case, they're guilty of being thoughtless and self-centered, but they aren't necessarily horrible people. It's just that at the time you didn't register as a permanent member of the family, mother of their future grand-kids, etc.

 

Ultimately, it was your husband's decision to not spend Christmas with you when you needed his help. I might work on any unresolved anger you have toward him, rather than shifting it to his parents. From their perspective, at the time you were a girlfriend they had never met. They probably didn't understand the magnitude of your injury, or your need for care. Your boyfriend, however, did.

 

It's hard to fault him for wanting to be a good son, but it sounds like this was a first big "test" of his loyalty and that he made the wrong decision. I wonder if you can forgive him for that, if he's otherwise a good, kind, and caring partner?

 

Sorry if I sound too 'live and let live' about this ~ it would actually be pretty hard for me, too. It's easier to give advice than take it!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Look - they screwed up. We have all done that. Who knows why - maybe they were just very disappointed about Christmas plans being canceled. I know (having two married daughters) how easily people get upset at Christmas - it can be hard to accept the fact that the family Christmas will never be the same again.

 

Now they are trying to put it right. Why not just accept it graciously.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You need to get over it. I can see why they would want their son to come for Christmas, especially if you were not married at the time.

 

What is wrong with saying "Give Tethys our love?"

 

sorry but it sounds like YOU are the one with the probem. They are being nice and generous and you want to sabotage future holidays because of something that happened in the past?

 

I think it's completely understandable ( although sucky for you) that they would want their son there for Christmas... you aren't even married yet.

 

 

I can't believe you are refusing to go to their place for Christmas... honestly that as bah hambug as you get...

 

I think you are treating them very unfairly

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It doesn't help, at all.

 

But I will never go out of my way for them either. I feel that was really effed up, and I don't know why they suddenly "care" -- cuz they don't.

 

Wow you seem very hard up about this. This isn't a way to start a marriage - by having the in-laws on your bad side already & you haven't even met them. Be the bigger person - let this go and move on with your new life.

 

Who knows why they did it - there could be 100 reason but its been over a year & you are still upset about it? They didn't go to your wedding either?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'd be upset too. But at the end of the day you are married to him, not his parents. But, they are an important part of your life and your childrens life (if you have any/plan to have any) And your husband will want them to be part of your lives.

 

So as much as you dislike them, suck it up, stay strong, and be the better person remaining civil, and go and see them.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You need to get over it. I can see why they would want their son to come for Christmas, especially if you were not married at the time.

 

What is wrong with saying "Give Tethys our love?"

 

sorry but it sounds like YOU are the one with the probem. They are being nice and generous and you want to sabotage future holidays because of something that happened in the past?

 

I think it's completely understandable ( although sucky for you) that they would want their son there for Christmas... you aren't even married yet.

 

 

I can't believe you are refusing to go to their place for Christmas... honestly that as bah hambug as you get...

 

I think you are treating them very unfairly

 

"Send Tethys our love" sounds phony to me -- that is why I have a problem with it.

 

Yes, I admit, it is my problem.

 

I had a problem with them berating their "son" (his dad and stepmom) for wanting to stay with his fiance who could not even feed herself at the time. It doesn't matter that it was the holidays -- that just made it worse.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

"Send Tethys our love" sounds phony to me -- that is why I have a problem with it.

 

Yes, I admit, it is my problem.

 

I had a problem with them berating their "son" (his dad and stepmom) for wanting to stay with his fiance who could not even feed herself at the time. It doesn't matter that it was the holidays -- that just made it worse.

 

Well "send so-and-so our love" doesn't sound phony.... unless you're just angry about it.

 

I guess it was just as important to have their son home..

 

I'd rather have my brother home for Christmas, and if his girlfriend couldn't come... oh well. my brother, my mum or my dad is way more important. That's a fact. You weren't married at the time.

 

If I'm with someone around Christmas, you bet Iwill spend Christmas with my family over my partner. If I'm married, it's different, but if not, then no way would i ditch my family on Christmas.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

We were not married, but we were engaged and had been living together for two years.

Just to give more info!

 

well I can see still why they want their son there at Christmas.

 

Beside that, I don't see why you are still so angry about all of this... and plan to sabotage future family get togethers because you're bitter about how things happened.

 

How far away do they live? Why have you not met them yet? Even on your wedding?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

We were not married, but we were engaged and had been living together for two years.

Just to give more info!

 

I am engaged & have been living with my SO close to 3yrs now - we haven't spent one christmas together yet....He goes to see his family, I spent time with mine.

 

Its just the way it goes when you aren't married....engaged or not. My parents would have a fit if I didn't go visit them & vice verus.

 

What will it take for you NOT to be so upset with your in laws?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I can certainly understand how you feel hurt and upset over that.

 

But, forgiveness is something that you do for YOU, it's a gift that you give yourself. It doesn't mean that you have to forget what happened, but it's good for the soul, and eventually brings peace to you.

 

Wishing you the best...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

well I can see still why they want their son there at Christmas.

 

Beside that, I don't see why you are still so angry about all of this... and plan to sabotage future family get togethers because you're bitter about how things happened.

 

How far away do they live? Why have you not met them yet? Even on your wedding?

 

Whoah there-- I have not planned to sabotage anything!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I am engaged & have been living with my SO close to 3yrs now - we haven't spent one christmas together yet....He goes to see his family, I spent time with mine.

 

Its just the way it goes when you aren't married....engaged or not. My parents would have a sh*t fit if I didn't go visit them & vice verus.

 

What will it take for you NOT to be so upset with your in laws?

 

I suppose it hurt because I had not spent the holidays with anyone, in five years. But I was injured, and I could not even walk or make food or anything. And they see him EVERY year -- what is wrong with spending the holidays with your fiance' who is injured and cannot move?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I suppose it hurt because I had not spent the holidays with anyone, in five years. But I was injured, and I could not even walk or make food or anything. And they see him EVERY year -- what is wrong with spending the holidays with your fiance' who is injured and cannot move?

 

yes, you are important, but family is too..some people family is more important. I have no idea what they think, but yeah, maybe it does change things for them if you ar married.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.


×
×
  • Create New...