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I am very new to this but really feel like I need an unbiased opinion on my particular problem. It is a long story but I will try to be concise!

 

I have been with my boyfriend for three and a half years. In most ways he is a wonderful man - kind, considerate, respectful and loving but I feel like we have reached a crossroads in our relationship. I am 30 years old and have reached a point where I feel like I want to settle down and get married and possibly start a family in a few years. My boyfriend and I have talked at length about this. He claims that he is 100% sure that he wants to marry me. A year ago he put money down on an engagement ring but because of tough economic times (he has a corporate job that has been badly effected by the harsh economy) he could not afford to make the final payments on it. I have been understanding of this and insisted a ring was not all that important to me and that we should just go ahead and get married anyway. He expressed some concern about wanting to do things the "right way" with an official engagement etc...

 

We did seem to have reached a conclusion that we should just go ahead and get married even going so far as to make tentative plans to go apply for a marriage license yet my boyfriend now seems to have clammed up about it and has not mentioned the subject in several weeks (except vague statements about wanting to marry me). I am just beyond frustrated. This has happened before where we start to take steps forward before plans get stalled for no apparent reason.

 

I know I am rambling so I will try to wrap this up. What should I do? I do not want to nag at him and push the issue too much yet I find myself getting increasingly frustrated. Does he not really want to marry me? I am in a phase in my life where I really want to take things to the next level and get married. Should I move on before I invest any more time with someone who seems to have commitment issues? I adore my boyfriend yet find myself getting increasingly bitter towards him because of this issue. Please help. This is making me crazy. I'm so confused.

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Fidanjos,

 

Questions like yours pop up a lot on here, and there is no easy way to answer it. It's very hard to say what your bf wants, as he is giving some mixed signals here. I understand your need to settle down, esp with the biological clock. Can you provide any other info, other than your first post? That might help.

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I think it's probably been a big hit to his ego that he cannot afford a ring. Even though you are telling him that a ring doesn't matter, in his mind he may feel as if he can't take care of you. That in turn makes him feel less of a man and can make him back off emotionally from you. I think you should have a long talk and bring everything out in the open, reassure him how you feel about HIM. Boost his self esteem.

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Thank you for your replies. Firstly, I make a decent living with and have always been financially independent so, if anything, getting married and having a dual income household would be a positive thing financially for us (we do not presently live together so are maintaining two households).

He has 'backed down' on at least three occasions where we have started to make plans and then things just get left up in the air again. I am hesitant to bring it up too much for risk of pushing the issue too much. When we talk about it he never always insists he wants to spend the rest of his life with me.

This really is starting to feel like it is eating me up inside. It has become an obsession with me which is extremely unhealthy obviously. I love him and I know he loves me yet find myself getting increasingly resentful towards him.

Thank you again for your input.

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I have set a time limit for myself of the end of next month if the subject has not been brought up again - may be a little soon though.

 

I have not proposed to him. He is fairly traditional when it comes to such things so not sure that would work!

 

Another thing - his family like me very much and I know his parents are also very keen for us to get married. Don't know if this has any bearing on how he feels.

 

I am trying so hard to not put too much pressure on him. The last thing I would ever want for myself is to feel like I had to pressure him into marriage.

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Well, hmmm... have you told him how you feel? I think putting the pressure on is bad as well.

 

Personally, I didn't want to deal with it, which is why I proposed. Trust me, there was drama after, and I posted about it on here. It boiled down to -- he was a bit afraid of getting married because he didn't want to get divorced. He was afraid.

 

But, given time, he got over his fear, and we got married, and we are happy! Stupidly happy!

 

I did find out what he really felt about me in the end -- and he came through. I did have that feeling about him, however, before I proposed -- I knew he could not live without me.

 

Do you get that feelnig?

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Actually, I do have that feeling. I am 100% sure that he loves me very much and he really is a wonderful man who treats me very well.

 

I feel a certain urgency to get married because of my age - I am 30. Mainly because I feel like if this does not work out I have a limited amount of time to settle down with someone else because I do want to have children before too long. However, because I don't want to pressure him I tend to stew over this until I lose my cool and we end up arguing about it. He does always insist that it is what he wants though.

 

Congrats on your marriage Tethys. I am glad everything worked out!

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Fida, don't rush him because of your biological clock. Bad idea. Thank you for the congrats, but I did not get married until 36! I thought I would never get married.

 

I have had my crises too, and proposing was one of 'em. I bit the bullet and did it.

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Actually not really so much of a biological clock issue as just the general idea of wanting to settle down and get married. Could wait a few years for kids without any problem! Just don't want to invest much more time in a relationship that may not be going anywhere.

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