Jump to content

Recommended Posts

Im 23 and my girlfriend was 20. We met online, she was my friends ex, and met up on a date (i did the right thing and made sure he was okay with it first mind). She's quite proper which is where the attraction laid for me, very pretty and liked to be friends first and let things develop (which it did without us thinking too much about it) instead of people hitting on her, which she always hated.

 

Anyway, we didnt go out for long (2 months) but it was intense and made me question myself. She lived about 1.5 hours away and we both travelled via public transport (bus then train) and also worked different hours (me days her nights, me weekdays her weekends) so it was always going to be difficult.

 

She'd come up and stay tues & thurs, i'd go to hers fri & sat (staying at work with her as it was the only time we'd get until late). All was great, she was loving and caring, doing all the relationshipy things like holding hands, PDAs, sending the "miss you" texts ect ect.

 

Im not normally like that & had seen, but not dated for 2 years as i didnt feel they were right for me, but with her i could quite easily open up and enjoy it. For the best part of the relationship she loved it all, the attention that is, and gave it back to me equally the same.

 

Then we spent a week together over Xmas, and i noticed a change in her one day, coming totally out of the blue. She got distant, made little eye contact, i felt like i was in her way ect.

 

I gave it a day thinking the mood would pass, but it didnt. I asked a few times if something was up, and i got the "im fine" reply. She obviously wasnt fine...

 

I didnt see her for around 7-10 days, id not seen her for abit once or twice before and it'd been fine, but with her mood being so strange it was starting to get to me. She was supposed to see me one night, but had an offer to go out with old friends - which i was fine with, then another night had to fill in for someone working ect.

 

Again, that would have been fine, if it wasnt for her mood. The little things. She'd not talk online at night, or disappear quickly if she did without me getting the chance to say goodbye. None of her texts had the love in them they used to, cold and short without kisses, time and time again.

 

I know they are little things and somewhat stupid to think anything of, but when you're with someone and not seeing them for a fair while, the occasional show of love is nothing much to ask for is it? Especially when you're used to it. Lots of little signs.

 

Anywho, i thought perhaps she was upset about something she wasnt telling me, so i thought id do the supportive thing and send a txt or two to cheer her up. "i miss you" or "love you" generic txts, just to show her i was there. Only 1-2 a day, not much at all!

 

After a while, it came to a head over a text as nothing had changed. I asked if she wanted to be together, and she said that she'd end it because she cant be dealing with someone hanging onto such little things. I didnt expect her to end it, but there was obviously a bigger problem if she was prepared too.

 

She stuck to the fact that i smothered her, which i really dont feel i did. If she had just said she needed a little space, i would have given her it, but she didnt. I always felt like there was another reason and she had gone cold on me to force me to confront it so she could use that as an excuse or something, instead of ending it herself.

 

I mean if you love someone and treat them like that long enough, even the securest of people are going to start worrying - if they love you of course. Thats just what i feel anyway.

 

Now i know this wasnt a long relationship, but until that happened it was an amazing one. We did alot together and really enjoyed our time, and then this. I feel horrible and rejected now as i didnt do anything nasty to her, but lost her anyway. I wasnt given a chance to make things different, it came out of the blue and hit me hard.

 

Its worse as i truly opened up and was close to her for the first time in a long time. She has some of my things, and was supposed to see me to give them back on 3 occasions, but couldnt each time for whatever reasons. I would like to think if we were still dating, she would have gotten over to me...

 

Im now about to leave for Australia for a year and have this hanging over me, wondering if it was me or her. I want to be able to enjoy my holiday, and for future relationships i dont want to close off and feel insecure over this.

 

So im interested to hear if you think my actions were clingy, justified or what really? And any advice on changing if i am and also getting over the feelings of rejection i now have.

 

Thanks

Link to comment
Share on other sites

IMO, you weren't too clingy, but she probably got scared at how intense and serious the relationship got. And her behavior sounds extremely fishy and strongly reminds me of how my ex acted. There could be another man in the picture, and she's using the "clingy" excuse to force a breakup. Just my opinion, but it took you asking her to get her to open up about how she felt. Kind of fishy, IMO.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Like between 2-4 nights a week absolute tops. I mean she thought i was insecure and couldnt deal with it because i confronted her. Mind you, until then i'd be fine if she went out with friends or whatnot. She'd ask me if i was worried about my friend, her ex, but i honestly wasnt. I knew 100% she wanted to be with me and i didnt think for a second of anything otherwise. Things were amazing then!

 

It was just after that Christmas period...

 

Perhaps it was to fast to soon, but i didnt get the chance to fix things and that really stung. Like i said, felt like she had a bigger problem but forced me to confront it and give herself a reason. I dont think there was another guy but i could be wrong.

 

In my opinion, i cant see why you wouldnt give it a second go if that was really the only problem. It just seems a waste and cop-out.

 

 

My friend later told me she'd gotten very funny with him in the past, about him not doing the things i did (cuddling up and various little things). Maybe its just a case of she wanted what she couldnt have, and when she got it in me the novelty wore off.

 

I dont know.

 

Im sad its over, but glad at the same time. I value myself enough to know when someone is taking me for granted which is why i asked her if she was happy. I'd hoped it wasnt the case though. It mainly leaves me pondering whether it was my fault. I'd like to think not, but i wanted to be honest and see what people though & try to change if so.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Like between 2-4 nights a week absolute tops.

 

Perhaps it was to fast to soon, but i didnt get the chance to fix things and that really stung. Like i said, felt like she had a bigger problem but forced me to confront it and give herself a reason. I dont think there was another guy but i could be wrong.

 

That's still too much at the beginning.

 

Next time....go into things much more slowly. ONE night a week. As the PUAs say..."give her the gift of missing you."

 

Unfortunately, once you go in too fast....it's impossible to back up, in most cases.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

No, this girl is giving you BS.

 

I agree - I dont see anything in your post that made you clingy? You both were acting the same way - it wasn't a one-sided thing. Something had to happen that made her change her mind...& not necessarily with you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

There was this book I read. Suffice to say--"She's just not that into you."

 

No matter what her excuse is, the fact that she's distancing herself, and trying to break up means that. It has nothing to do with what you did to her. And there's nothing wrong with you.

 

She just suddenly found something about you that she wasn't really into. Then overall decided that she just wasn't that into you enough to see herself with you for that "forever."

 

It's the same as how you felt that certain girls you dated earlier "just wasn't right" for you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Following this, i was going to double date with a friend 3 weeks on from our breakup but it didnt happen. Another friend then left a message online asking how the date went, and i woke up to an email from my ex saying:

 

Subject: ????????

you been on a date already?! u dnt hang around.......

 

So she obviously cares somewhat, wondering if that means anything. Im supposed to be meeting her tuesday for the "exchange of stuff". Should i reply or what?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hmm, to late. She came online and spoke to me. She questioned it, then said "you move on fast" again. I replied "again, you left me remember" and she just said "bye".

 

So for some reason i ended up downplaying the date, probably to make her feel better.....

 

Was that a stupid thing to do?

 

I was thinking also along the lines of i really want to make sure i get my things back tuesday...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think she might have felt bad you went on a date already - even if she was the one who ended the relationship.

 

She has no right to even question you about it, its none of her business. I think you did a good job answering her but maybe next time (after you get your stuff) ignore her.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yeah i think i'll do that, it really helps finding this site actually. Alot of people in similar situations so its good to learn from others as well as your own mistakes.

 

But hey, i'll be in Australia shortly so that will no doubt cheer me up, albiet be a tad lonely at first

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It doesnt matter how/if/when you moved on. She ended it, its none of her business. call her, email her, whatever and set a day and time (her choice) to get your stuff... and hold her to it. Wish her a good day/life and then just move on once you get your stuff.

 

That said, you didnt sound too clingy... but maybe a little overly emotional. i love yous, i miss yous can be good... they can also make you look like a puppy if you overdo it.

 

Not saying thats what happened... but possible.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

The reason she's acting like this is because the attraction is dwindling.

 

It sounds like you were far too available to her, and all the mystery, and excitement is now gone. I'd venture to guess that you went out of your way to accommodate her, and put parts of your life on hold to make her happy. Maybe you gave her whatever she wanted, when she wanted.... bad!

 

Give her that space, and make yourself #1. For a whole week do things that you've always wanted to do, but never did because you were busy spending time with her. Don't explain, don't apologize, don't rationalize to her or anyone else your actions, though it wouldn't hurt to tell them that you are just trying to take care of your needs.

 

It never just happens out of the blue. There are always signs that it is developing we are often blind to see it. I know it seems counter intuitive, but by doing things for yourself to make yourself happy and stop trying to please her, and stop thinking you need/want/should tell her how much you love her every time you talk to her, you will look much more attractive in her eyes.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hmm, to late. She came online and spoke to me. She questioned it, then said "you move on fast" again. I replied "again, you left me remember" and she just said "bye".

 

So for some reason i ended up downplaying the date, probably to make her feel better.....

 

Was that a stupid thing to do?

 

I was thinking also along the lines of i really want to make sure i get my things back tuesday...

 

You are sad, and heartbroken and here you are downplaying your date to make her feel better? Stop being a martyr! It's not your job to determine how she feels! You don't owe her any explanation. Don't lie to her, just simply "I don't talk about other women." When you explain, or defend yourself you will only come off as insecure. If you two are no longer together, then that's that.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...