Jump to content

Third time lucky? Surely not..shall I just lay it to rest?


Honesty

Recommended Posts

I am stuck.

 

Brief history.

We both worked at an outdoor centre for kids back in 07. We met, we fooled around a couple of times, we had fun..mainly drunken fun, nothing truly came of it. The season finished..we sent a couple of texts over the winter months but nothing major. However he was always in the back of my mind..

 

The 08 season came around. By this point he had been promoted to the boss man. He was exactly the same person..we got on, we joked with eachother. It was a healthy professional relationship and a great friendship at this point.

 

Then one night, we both get really drunk at our end of training do. He spills everything out to me, how he wasn't ready for a relationship, how I was the most amazing woman he'd ever met, how I enriched his life. I always knew he had the potential to break my heart, so I kinda just disregarded it and carried on with the night. Turns out, completely coincidential that I got locked out of my room that night..(we all lived on the camp)..my roomie was still out partying after we'd walked home.

 

So..naturally, it was 2am, I stayed in his room. We shared a bed, nothing happened..he tried to kiss me. I didn't kiss back. I was on guard. Certain that tomorrow it would be disregarded.

 

We woke, he hugged me. The first thing he said was..”I meant every word last night”..I told him I didn't think it was a good idea, with his work thing, he was in an extremely high pressured job. I was wary, every time I looked at him inside I saw somebody that I knew could either make me the happiest woman in the world or break my heart.

 

He pursued me for about 6 weeks..we had many good times, drunk and sober. Eventually I caved. I saw him sad one night because the work pressure was getting to him and I realised that my heart was aching just seeing him upset.

 

We slowly and greatly became an item.

We both had 4 days off work, we booked a last minute trip to denmark and had an incredible time.

He would call every single day. He would vent, he would tell me he missed me, that I was beautiful every day. In the first year, he was very wary of who knew about us, this time..he seemed to want to tell the world. I was falling in love.

 

Then the season ended. About a week before this his Nan got really ill, and sadly died. Mixed with this, he left his job..they were expecting him to work 85 hours a week. He let go of himself, put on weight..and pushed me away entirely. He made no effort with me..kinda understandable with all he was going through. So in the end, I ended it. I told him I felt under appreciated and that it wasn't working. It was a horrible time..i don't know what else I could've done. I think we came to a natural end.

 

I then, felt empty.

He sent me a facebook message on my birthday. A really sweet one saying he hoped I'd have the most amazing day ever.

I responded “thanks mate”, and deleted him. I was hurting, I did not want to see what was going on in his life.

He then was IM'ing me..telling me I looked pretty in my new pictures..I told him to stop flirting and he logged off.

I know it seems cold, but I was angry at him. Whether this is justified or not I do not know.

 

Anyway. 4 months passed with complete No contact. He lived 2 hours away from me with my best friend. I had to avoid him, this meant neglecting my B/friend but I think he understood.

 

For some reason I always, always knew and said to my friends that we were not done. That it was not the end, through no choice of my own..I just knew it would come up again. I was very, very good to him for our whole relationship, I would pay so much attention to everything, he said himself I was way too good for him..I don't agree with this. He made me feel special in his own little way.

 

Anyway new years 08/09 came. My b/friend invited me to their house party. I felt I could no longer avoid him. I'd lost two dress sizes at this point and was feeling good so I agreed to go.

 

I expected awkwardness, bitterness.

Nothing.

At all.

Just pure, unaffected love. As soon as I saw him I was overwhelmed. I didn't show it, I was dignified. But within 5 minutes we were laughing and joking like nothing had gone wrong.

 

He made a comment half way through the night..saying “you know what's gonna happen with us tonight”..and I did.

 

We ended up sharing a bed, no sex..just hugs, kisses..talking til 5am about everything but us.

A little drunk, it was new years.

 

Woke up to hugs, kisses.

Before I left we spoke for half an hour about nothing in particular. He held me, it was so comfortable. I told him my friend invited me down again in a few weeks and he said great.

 

A few weeks came. That weekend was GREAT. It was so unbelievably comfortable, for me. I have never trusted anybody, I have never even nearly been in love. But when I woke up at 4am to him just stroking my hair..no sex, just tenderness, I knew that life would never be the same. This is the only man I will ever see myself with, I know it's a naïve statement but ever since we first met nobody has compared.

 

Well that was a couple of weekends ago. He said that night that he'd like to perhaps start talking on the phone again. We used to have long, long conversations.

We have been emailing back and forth. Sweet emails, he said he misses me. He puts like 20 kisses at the end of the messages. They're happy, open emails, he always tells me to write him as soon as I can.

 

I am in love with this guy. I know he was going through a hard time, yet I cannot stop thinking about how easy he let us go. I tried, too hard to cling on and that sent him further away. And now..it appears this could be the third time of us trying. But the only time we did speak about it..he said to me, he's in a brand new job that he's so happy in..he has a very big, high pressured job..and he said he still doesn't know if he's ready for a relationship..he said if he was going to be with anybody in the world it would be me.

 

Then he said he wants to take it slow, I agreed. The second time we happened we were both way too analytical..I would like to let nature take it's course..but my problems are

A – Even though we are so comfortable, with so much in common, there is doubt in my mind as to how he feels about me. This is a trust thing. I have never had a guy in my life that has acted in a decent, gentlemanly manner. This goes as far as family..my father, brothers..past boyfriends. Yet I do understand good men are out there.

 

B – He said himself, he doesn't know if he's ready for a relationship right now..but that he thinks he will be in the near future. I did tell him I couldn't wait around for him. I'm 22.

 

This is so long I'd be surprised if you were still with me. It feels good to get it out.

I feel like I am chasing something that doesnt want to be chased. But then I think about all the things he said and I don't know. Actions speak louder than words.

 

But soon, I am off to do another season..and fate has had it I will be working about a 10 minute drive from where he lives. For 6 months. A perfect chance to see eachother more, but maybe more of a chance to get hurt?

I know..life is about risks, but man..this guy absolutely possesses the ability to break my heart and the past would suggest he will..

 

He says to me a lot..You are too good to me, I don't treat you how you should be treated..so why do I put up with it?

He is in no way malicious or manipulative, everyone that knows him has nothing but good things to say..he is a good man. But I am scared stiff of what's gonna happen with us. I mean in hindsight..him seeing me once every couple of weeks..me not initiating any commitment..thats quite a nice little setup. Am I being foolish? Or just too untrustworthy? I don't think any other way would be fit at this stage of us. It needs to be relaxed.

 

If you have stuck with me, thanks for listening

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hello. Hmmm, what he says sounds way too complicated for something that should be really simple.

 

You get to know each other and he can't help but say "I don't want a relationship" and then he goes on and on about how amazing you are, so much that he feels undeserving of your feelings.

 

If you don't think he's manipulative then he probably isn't (you seem to have a lot of common sense) so maybe he's not doing it to get something but simply because he wants to be honest in a polite way.

 

But on purpose or not this could really end up hurting you because you both have different expectations and needs, you sound ready for the love of your life and he's not even ready for dating, so where would that leave you?.

 

And by "love of your life" I don't mean that there's only one in our lifetime, thought I should clarify it.

 

Some things seem to have a great potential but it depends how much you want to sacrifice to find out just how far it can go, forcing it usually only leaves us very frustrated.

 

So, unless you really think you can be happy with whatever he can give (which is an art in itself, learning to accept that others have limitations and how much is too much) then for your own peace of mind you might want to keep your distance.

 

Keep doing what you feel is right, both by your heart and your brain, he might be great but you are even more so you have to look after yourself.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...