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I'm sure most of you know my story by now. I've been posting on and off for a while now. I was engaged for four years and my fiance cheated on me with a married coworker. He wanted to work things out so I agreed and we went to counseling. Four years later he still seemed hesitant to go through with the marriage. I dumped him only to find out 2 year later is he is married to his now divorced coworker(previous affair partner).

I know everyone in ths section have been victims of infidelity. My question is do you ever get passed this? I dumped him 2.5 years ago and I still can't get my mind around this. He kept me hanging 4 more years and still had feelings for this woman. How can someone do that? How selfish can someone be? People say I should be glad he's gone and I truly am glad. Only thing is I'm stuck with this pain and such a sense of inadequacy. What did she have that I didn't? How did all of you get passed these feelings? Counseling? Time? I think I should be much further along with my healing. And somedays my anger tolwards him is unreal. I'm ashamed to tell you what I think about doing even though I would never put my life in jeopardy. He is already married to someone else and I'm alone with nothing but pain. What did you guys find helpful? Any advice?

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I know everyone in ths section have been victims of infidelity. My question is do you ever get passed this? What did she have that I didn't? How did all of you get passed these feelings? Counseling? Time? What did you guys find helpful? Any advice?

It sucks, doesn't it? The constant wondering what could you have done differently, better? How could you have been prettier or whatever?

 

In reality, men who cheat... well... they cheat. It's what they do but that doesn't help you, does it.

 

Please don't berate me for what I'm about to write...

 

I've been on both sides of this. I've had three ex's cheat on me - repeatedly. The first one married the young woman he did so with. They are still happily married. I wonder how but it's been 22 years so I no longer care.

 

The 2nd one was my son's father. Proverbial football player, hottie on campus, he cheated with anything that could socially wear a skirt We still talk, we are on very friendly terms but it has been 17 years since he last cheated on me (coincidentally, our son is 17) and 16.5 years since I boot kicked his butt to the curb.

 

The 3rd was a killer. He was the love of my life, I thought. Sociopathic, evil, drama galore... I loved him, I thought. But in really looking at WHY I stayed with him when I knew what he was capable of was much more telling.

 

He (they all were): charismatic, telling me everything I wanted to hear - lies, lies and more lies but with a face so filled with apparent remorse and regret I had no choice but to believe him (them). They all filled some lack of self-esteem I needed and did not have. Sadly, when I allowed a man to do that, he created a piece in my heart that only he could satiate which when he cheated, ripped out the entire organ.

 

To get over and through what the last one did to me took a lot of time away from him and finally... ready for this?

 

Forgiving myself for what I did to HIM after we broke up. I was a mess. This forum (under a different name) saved my life - literally, figuratively and his as well. I came here. I listened. Then I looked inward to myself.

 

What was it that created such a need that a man like that could have a hold on me? Then I started working on me.

 

I made a commitment to myself that I would not date for a solid year - NO dates. Not a dinner, not a movie, not a concert - nothing, nada, zilch. I wanted to figure out WHY I chose men like that and WHY I stayed with them when I knew/found out they were bad, bad, bad. I went out with friends, did things with my son, and lived my life. I traveled, and worked ...

 

And then I was healed. And then I truly met the love of my life, which is why I'm back here.

 

It does no good to focus on what she is like, why he did it, what was better, why, where, how... for that keeps the focus on him and her. Focus on you. REALLY focus on you.

 

What makes you happy? What makes you want to get up in the morning? What behaviors will you NEVER put up with again - write them down.

 

On the other side of the coin is the other woman - why does she do it when she knows there is another woman in his life. Mostly, I can assure you, he does not paint a picture of happy bliss at home, gets her sympathy, and finally her body. It's what cheaters do and sadly, women who have little self-esteem fall for the lines, get involved, believe their lies (same lies they tell their wife/gf, just differently), and hope he leaves.

 

Cheaters weave a sick and twisted cycle. I'm so sorry you got wrapped up in a life with one. I hope someday soon you realize how special you are to yourself and that if you want, some day, some fine man will find you.

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Yes, you can get passed this. And you do not have to get your mind fully around it to do so, although you will want to be able to have a perspective that allows you to open up to others rather than carrying around the anger toward your ex as a liability to yourself. People can be really selfish. But not all people are. Without having read your earlier postings that you mention, it sounds like you are looking for something to make you feel better outside of yourself that cannot really be attained that way. You have to forgive yourself first, and excuse, and pardon yourself from any misstep that you think might have caused you to be in this position of unhappiness. And then you need to forgive him for being the wrong person for you and not realizing it for a long time,........and release it. Absorb the fact that you are better off without him (and were strong enough to break up with him) rather than obsessing over what he is doing with his life. If you had ended up marrying him, you would have been unhappy since he was incapable of committing to you fully, right? So it is truly a blessing that you did not end up with one another. This ending with him leaves your whole life open to experience new and wonderful things without the baggage of a man who cannot commit. It is not about you being inadequate. It is about you being dealt cards that have more to the story than you thought; embrace that! And yes, seek therapy and anything you think will help, but most of all, remember that life is shorter than we want it to be. Do not waste yours in anger toward this man. You are cheating the world out of your gifts by doing so.

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Guys cheat for reasons that dont have anything to do with their wife. Sometimes they find reasons in their wife but the root cause is something else.

 

If you are going to look for reasons in your self you will find them. You don't have some things that your husband needs or you just arent as exciting (because you are not the forbidden fruit).

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All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You
All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You

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