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when to mend it, when to leave it?


jordinary
Is My Relationship Over - Signs
Is My Relationship Over - Signs

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I’ve been in a relationship with my wife for almost five and a half years now. The first few years were great, but recently (the last year or so), I’ve been having my doubts. Things right this moment are good between us, but good times only seem to last a short while. I’m just not sure anymore if I feel what I used to for her. I still care about her and love her, but it doesn’t feel the same way it did. We’ve been talking through it and trying to figure out ways to get the spark back and occasionally, it’s there, but for the most part, it’s like the relationship is dying.

 

I went to church yesterday because my best friend called me randomly and asked if I wanted to go… He hasn’t been to church in a few months and I haven’t been going to church for a few years, but something compelled me to say yes. It just so happened that the topic (sermon) was about healthy relationships. The minister described a few aspects of a healthy relationship between friends, family, God, lovers, etc.

 

I realized that maybe mine isn’t healthy. At this point, I’m not sure if I want to work on making it healthy again or if it’s just reached a point where it can’t be helped enough to make it work. I don’t know if I’m with her now because I want to be with her or if I’m with her because I’ve always been with her - she’s the only person I’ve ever really been with. I’d hate to stay with someone solely out of obligation and convenience.

 

How do you tell when to mend it and when to leave it?

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You mend it when you feel like there are still options to try. You leave it when you can honestly say that you've tried absolutely everything and it just isn't working.

 

I suggest you look into couples counseling. They can help you guys work through this in a healthy way that may give you more insight as to what direction to take.

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Go see a marriage counselor...soon as possible. Does your wife know about your feelings? Why do you feel like the marriage is dying? Think of the reasons you fell in love with her, go on a romantic getaway, dinners out if you can afford it....there are things that can be done...sit and talk to each other listen.

 

I say if there is no cheating, abuse, or drugs involved then give it a chance.

 

Best of luck to you.

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I hate to say it but MARRIAGE is hard. It isn't always going to be "good"--if you went into marriage with the mindset that things would work out perfectly all the time then your mistaken. Some of the happiest couples that I know have been through several obstacles in their marriage. This is healthy. As human beings we are not perfect. I think that your giving up too easily. I think this about a lot of married couples who want to divorce or leave because the "spark" suddenly isn't there. People have to work at the spark and the relationship. No matter who you're with there will be some work involved--in terms of keeping the passion and the spark going. Giving up and walking way is the last resort IMO. Unless their has been infidelity, abuse, or some drug related issue--I think that your just being lazy. Not to be rude, but I don't think you feel like putting the effort into making the marriages work.

I know so many people who get married because they were in a relationship and things were great--got married, and once the honeymoon phase ends they begin to panic and doubt that their compatible with their spouse, they doubt that it will work, they begin to have the "grass is greener" syndrome. Feeling as if something out there is better and that they made a mistake. A majority of the time, the grass isn't greener. Humans are fickle creatures and it seems like a lot of people believe that love should feel like infatuation does--the butterflies, head over heels feeling. Many also believe that it should come naturally and that a relationship/marriage shouldn't involve a lot of hardwork. This is not true. Anything that is successful requires time, patience, and lots of effort.

As your marriage is. Not wanting to the put effort in because you don't feel like it says a lot about your marriage. Why the heck did you marry this woman? If this is the attitude you have toward your marriage I wonder why you made your vows? So many people get divorced these days and want "out". People really need to learn how to work with their spouse and at their committment. I'm not sure why your relationship is unhealthy but I believe that any problem or situation can be fixed. I'm a spiritual person. If you are I think going to church, praying about the situation, and praying for strength to fix the marriage will help. I also think it's time that you evaluate why you got married to her in the first place.

I've been with my guy for five years as well--it's been a bumpy road at times but I'm still working at it. I haven't married him yet. As I'm starting to realize that many people get married and then want out.

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You have hit on just about everything I have been thinking about my own relationship. I love my husband dearly, and would do anything for him. I have messed up, and I know this. I was not unfaithful, but for a time I thought he was and almost lost my mind. Now I don't know if he wants to stay, if he wants to work on it. What is it about the 5 year mark that frightens couples to the point of wanting to leave? I know that marriage is hard, I have seen my parents go through it, and if they can get through infidelity, then why can't my husband and I get through this. IMO I think it would be easier if one of us was unfaithful, but I don't work like that, and neither does he.

 

Why did I think he was unfaithful to start with, a combination of things, a feeling of loss of interest, single female house mate with a great job and a house of her own, and 2 young children, and some circumstantial things that I found recently. Do I think he is unfaithful, not in the least. I think I let my emotions get the better of me and went stupid. Did things I wouldn't normally do and hurt more than just myself. I hurt us, and I hurt her. Pissed them both off pretty good too. Neither here nor there for this post though.

 

If you have any love in your heart for her, it is worth working on. Love is something that doesn't come easy, and keeping the love alive is even harder, but worth it in the end. My parents have been married for almost 45 years now, and if they can do it, I know we all can.

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I probably wouldn't try to make a permanent decision until I had clarity that I've done everything possible to mend the marriage--even if that meant separating for a time.

 

Some couples do reconcile after a separation. It could buy you some room to work out your decision in solitude, and it would give you both an opportunity to see whether you miss one another.

 

In your corner.

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Firstly, thank you all for your excellent input. I guess I’m just panicking, realizing that she’s been my one and only relationship, feeling like I married too young, without letting myself experience other options. She doesn’t know exactly what I’m feeling, but I know she feels a slight distancing lately. I just need to sit down and figure myself out, figure out – as someone mentioned – why exactly I fell in love with her. I didn’t realize that keeping a relationship going takes a lot of constant work, I was naïve to think that it would always be the same. I thought that when two people loved each other that much, everything just kind of… fell into place.

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