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How to fix a broken relationship


Rah
Starting Over In a Relationship - B...
Starting Over In a Relationship - Beginners Guide

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So, I have been with my best friend (Zeke) for almost three years and we have been living together for two and for most of that time we have had a really loving relationship.

 

However, the past couple of months have been really rough. We have an open relationship were we can both have outside flings with females and that has always been ok until now.

 

Lately he no longer talks to me or sends me loving emails or letters like he used to. He no longer hugs me and tells me how much I mean to him. And now these "flings" on the side are starting to replace what we had (for him). He goes to these other females before talking to me. He also says really horrible things about me. He calls me an * * * * * * * , or he tells me I'm just another selfish * * * * * and that I am pathetic and that I have changed the whole basis of our relationship.

 

He has never been mean or nasty like that to me in the past and I can't get him to tell me why things have changed. I honestly don't care about the other flings when we have our time together and it's enjoyable. He really means the world to me, but I have no idea how to get things back to how they were. Whenever I try to get him to tell me why things have gotten as bad as they are, he just flips out and yells at me.

 

Right now I am dealing with a lot of my own financial issues and school issues and I really want my best friend back....but at this point I don't know how to do that. He means too much to me to just break up and give up on our relationship now.

 

Does anyone have any suggestions?

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You were playing with fire to begin with... and now you're getting burned.

 

Welcome to Enotalone.

 

I'm not sure exactly what to do... but it just seems your best friend has had a bad change of heart in the past few years of your relationship. The best way to explain that in my opinion, with all these flings he's been having... he's been starting to emotionally detach himself from everyone... and doesn't care, either about them or you. So in his mind, you... are somewhat attached, and you have baggage along with your relationship(like wishing to talk and be given presents and letters about your love), the other girls... just want sex, and don't have any emotional baggage.... so what's an emotionless fool going to choose?

 

If he can/could be fixed, he has to realize it on his own... there's not much you can do even if you do get the chance to sit him down and tell him straight. He may not even care...

 

And don't forget, this is only my perception, there could be something else going on... your best answer for this question, still lies with him, not anyone here.

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That's the thing though. These flings he is having now have an emotional aspect to them. He has really low self-esteem and one of the reasons that we had to have an open relationship was to allow him to get an ego stroke by being with other females. In the past it really was just sex and having them tell him how great he is, but he would always share what's really bothering him with me. Now he just doesn't. I know that there is very little I can do other than just make sure that he knows that I am there for him, but I don't know how to handle being alone right now with all that I have on my plate. I don't really have the time to invest in finding my own fling and I can't justify doing that in my mind when I can't make the most important relationship in my life work.

 

I'm just frustrated and him completely rejecting me hurts a lot. But at the same time he also gets really jealous when I look elsewhere for someone to talk to and I don't want to hurt his feelings. I know that if he just felt as confident about himself as he did when we first met, he would be able to be kind and sweet and loving again. That's why I don't stop him going after other females.

 

Also, things are complicated by an old childhood friend that has came back into his life. He was once married before and this friend and him were kind of close before he got married. He used to say that I was the most important thing to him and that these other females were just an ego stroke, but that is no longer the case and he can't tell me why.

 

I really just don't know what to do or how to stop feeling as horrible as I do now.

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Wow, well, this is a strange situation. I think you've made it too comfortable for him to chase other girls and he is taking advantage of your feelings now. You allow him to have relationships with anyone he wants, yet he gets jealous when you want to talk to someone else? This seems very one-sided. If I were you I would talk to him and explain that you do not like the changes in him and see if he really wants to be with you. If not, let him go. You deserve better.

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what is this situation??? this is truly weird to me, yet I have to accept your way. I cannot understand for sure what's in his mind but here's a theory..

If this guy has low self esteem as you say fundamentaly he wants to be really loved for who he is. He doesn't want a girl suggesting (or even agreeing) him going with other girls to feel more "manly". In a twisted way I actually think that having flings with other girls makes his self esteem worse on a deeper level. He wants to feel manly and confident by what he offers to ONE woman and her appreciating it. The lack of exclusivity I feel has diminished tremendously the value of love, thereforee he can't really feel it anymore. Who suggested this? Was it a mutual agreement? Is it so you can have flings with other women? Also do you still live together? cos this must be hard...

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I know we don't have a standard agreement on any level. It's a little more weird actually. When we first started going out, he was technically married but separated from his wife and he had a "sugar mamma" too. We started off just being really close friends with benefits. After his divorce, we moved in together and it's been great until recently. Because of his jealousy, I stopped having "flings" with other females because he was worried about me leaving him for another female. He also stopped trying to see other females, although he mentioned that he really wanted to go out and have one night stands and I told him that I had no issue with that. I even offered to just crash in the guest bedroom if that was what was stopping him.

 

I really love this guy a lot and there is nothing I wouldn't do for him except deal with abuse. But he refuses to believe that he is abusive at all. He has also developed an alcohol problem recently and I have become increasingly depressed. He has been blaming his new found need to find other females and drink on my depression, but I really don't believe that's true because the alcohol addiction started first. He has always been a bit of a drinker, but he used to be a happy funny drunk and it was more of a recreational thing when we were out with friends.

 

To make things a little more difficult, there is an age difference. He's 37 and I am 22 and this causes more of an issue for him than me. My parents were never around and when they were they were abusive. So, from the age of 12, I took care of my three brothers and I helped them with their online home schooling and I cooked meals and did all the laundry and cleaning....so, I really feel a lot older than 22 and I think he is very sexy and that he really doesn't show his age.

 

But lately, he has seemed convinced that I am just going to leave him as soon as I realize that he is an "old man". I don't feel like I have ever given him a reason to believe that I view him that way. I just think of him as my best friend and I feel like I am losing him.

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Very, very sticky. I agree with quirky that allowing him to have flings while "together" with you is going to make his feelings wane. He will have less respect for you and thereforee less love. You may be to far in to fix this. If you really want his love, tell him this, or you have to deal with the consequences of having an open relationship.

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