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What would you do?


renaissancewoman101
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Yes, I want to see how people would react in this situation:

 

You are friends with a girl and are involved in the same type of social activities. Occasionally you give the girl a ride to the activity (she shares in gas costs). We are involved in the same hobby.

 

There is a guy that is also involved in the same hobby and social activites as the both of us. He chats with us a lot, hangs out after practices on occasions with the both of us to chat. You also like this guy and have a crush on him (but am afraid to ask him out). He is friends with you. After some time passes, you get the idea he is interested in your friend (not sure if she is interested in him). He hangs out long after events are over to chat with both of us.

 

BTW, your friend would know you like the guy (because you told her early on not knowing he might have an interest in her). She talks to him, but ridicules him a lot too.

 

Would you still go after him and chat with him when she's around? Back off and let see if anything develops between the both of them, etc?

 

Keep in mind, you still like the guy.

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As I wrote on your other thread on a very similar (same?) topic, yes I would continue to hang around with him and see what happened but I would not act in a clingy way and would be careful to give them space to chat one on one - meaning if I saw them chatting one on one I would be careful before joining the conversation.

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Batya, I don't act in a clingy way and i don't usually intrude on a conversation with the both of them. What usually happens is she and I are talking and he'll join in. Then we all chat (and it drags on past even the time after most people leave since the event/practice is over). I can't really tell if he is sticking around to talk to her or the both of us.

 

If I got to an event where he is there and she isn't (because of her work schedule), he'll still talk to me, help me out with my fencing and such. But he won't stay as long after practices (not sure about that).

 

I posted this thread to see how other people would handle this situation.

 

I don't want to just fold and let her "win" (I know, not the right word to use).

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If everyone is single then all bets are off.....Why should you wait around to see if something develops with them, what about you? All you can do is go for it and see what happens.

 

I agree with you about this. We are all single.

 

As they say "all is fair in love and war".

 

I don't plan on asking him out though, because it would make it awkward if he turned it down (since we do the same social activities and hobby).

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Batya, I don't act in a clingy way and i don't usually intrude on a conversation with the both of them. What usually happens is she and I are talking and he'll join in. Then we all chat (and it drags on past even the time after most people leave since the event/practice is over). I can't really tell if he is sticking around to talk to her or the both of us.

 

If I got to an event where he is there and she isn't (because of her work schedule), he'll still talk to me, help me out with my fencing and such. But he won't stay as long after practices (not sure about that).

 

Ren, where in the world did you get from my post that I meant you would act clingy or intrude?? In your previous post you wrote that you wanted to prevent them from chatting alone together if you could and yes, i was reacting to that statement when I suggested to be careful but you are taking it wayyy too far to suggest that my post says you are being clingy or intruding.

 

I agree that all is fair - if she tells you she is into him or he tells you he is into her, then step aside. Until then sure, go for it. My suggestion that you be careful about not joining in on their convos was strategic- it might be a turn off to him (not that it wasn't nice behavior). I would think many people who are interested in someone else would be tempted to chat with the person whenever possible, it wasn't meant personally about you.

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I think you may be overthinking things a bit? In my humble opinion, I think you should interact with him naturally, AS IF the presense of your female friend and the corollaries -- i.e. his unconfirmed interest in her, her unconfirmed interest in him, etc -- are not even an issue.

 

As Batya (I think) said in your other thread, it is apparent that he is not shy about asking women out on dates so maybe you should just see where things go with him WITHOUT factoring in your friend into this equation. If he asks you out, great. If not, you have a good friend you can fence with and you can move onto someone who's interested in dating you.

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I'm nervous around him, and maybe that makes it odd.

 

He likes sarcasm but I am not that sarcastic or don't know how to use it to my advantage.

 

He is nice to me and gives me good pointers/advice on stuff. I'll just let it be and see what happens. And not worry so much.

 

At least he is a friend

 

Maybe her sarcasm and disdain of him is what he finds attractive. I dunno.

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Ren, I would have given up on the guy a long time ago. He doesn't show any interest in you beyond friendship. You keep asking the same questions over and over about this guy. I think the best thing at this point is to move on and try to focus on other men. It really doesn't matter whether he's interested in this other woman or not. The fact that you're viewing her as competition doesn't bode well for your friendship with her. You are in danger of becoming a third wheel.

 

But you asked what I would do. I would pull back and stop hanging out so much with either of them. I would try to make myself more available for friendships with women where I didn't feel in competition for male attention, and for dating men who were interested in me enough to ask me out.

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Ren, I would have given up on the guy a long time ago. He doesn't show any interest in you beyond friendship. You keep asking the same questions over and over about this guy. I think the best thing at this point is to move on and try to focus on other men. It really doesn't matter whether he's interested in this other woman or not. The fact that you're viewing her as competition doesn't bode well for your friendship with her. You are in danger of becoming a third wheel.

 

But you asked what I would do. I would pull back and stop hanging out so much with either of them. I would try to make myself more available for friendships with women where I didn't feel in competition for male attention, and for dating men who were interested in me enough to ask me out.

 

You are probably right, he just only likes me as a friend. I would be disappointed and a bit hurt if he ended up going after her (but that's me).

 

I can't really stop hanging out with them unless I give up my hobby and stuff I do. We are all involved in the same social group and with the fencing and such, and I love that stuff too much to NOT want to do it. Besides I have made other friends there. With the fencing, we are a small, tight-knit group so it is a bit more delicate.

 

I have met other guys through the same social group, but most of them are not interested in me, or if they are, they are NOT looking for a relationship.

 

I have been coming out of my shell more and making more friends and am a lot happier, though. And I found a hobby that I truly enjoy.

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Yes, you've been doing a GREAT job of making new friends and finding activities you enjoy.

 

I didn't say to stop hanging out with this guy or this other woman. I suggested that you pull back in spending so much time hanging out with them. Just cut down the chatting time after you're done with fencing.

 

Of course, it would be natural to feel disappointed if he ends up asking this other woman out. But it hasn't happened yet and it may not happen at all. In the meantime, it is pointless to worry about it.

 

Keep making new friends and branching out!

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Ren, I want to apologize because I re-read my previous post and I can see now how it reads as if I suggested you stop hanging out with your friends.

 

I had written:

"I would pull back and stop hanging out so much with either of them."

 

I should have said:

"I would pull back and stop chatting so much with either of them on days when you meet for fencing."

 

If he wants to ask you out, he knows where to find you.

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