I cheated, now I'm confused

[Ac143]

This is GREAT advice, I agree with Blue - you are NOT in the right mindframe to save this marriage. The whole missing the OW, thinking of her & giving your marriage a timetable of 3 months?? There is NO way you or your wife can heal & move past this in 3 months. Its like you gave this 3 months only to feel better about yourself when you actually do leave, saying at least you gave it a shot but in reality 3 months is not enough time to save this marriage. You already have one foot out the door by not completely commiting yourself to saving your marriage.

 

Do everyone a favor & either 1. COMPLETELY commit yourself to this marriage or 2. move on now and not wait 3 months.

 

Good luck with whatever you decide to do!

[WhatThe]

I'll let everyone else pile on with the value judgments. I'll give you some food for thought that you might not have considered.

 

You don't mention what your wife does for a living, but unless she makes a lot more money than you do, you are going to have to pay a ton of child support, AND alimony AND give her the house AND take most of the debt AND give her half of your retirement fund.

 

Sit down and really consider whether the OW is really worth it. I know it sounds cold to look at it from a financial point of view, but believe me, men get absolutely raped by the legal system in divorce, even if you live in a so called 'no-fault' state.

 

You may think marriage is about love, but divorce is about business, and divorce lawyer's and the Family Court's business is draining YOUR bank account. You will be the LAST person considered in the financial settlement, to the point that if you have to live out of your car and work three jobs, those are your just rewards.

 

Cheaper to keep her, no matter what.

[charlie_b]

I won't try to put any self-valued judgement on you.. it won't help and people seem to have already done plenty of it.

 

I'd advise you reflect hard on your marriage, and its history. Think about WHY you married your wife in the first place. Was it based on mistaken logic and thought processes?

 

We married because we had spent a long time together, and didn't seem like there would ever be anyone else. We were very compatible on a practical level. Shared ideas and goals.

 

 

You said it was a highschool sweatheart thing.. so perhaps ignorance was bliss, in that you didn't realize relationships could be better.

 

The relationship has never been "bad". Even now, we are very friendly. There is no animosity. But yes, I realise that we were both too young. Especially me (in terms of maturity). We were engaged at 18, and I had no concept of what that meant at the time. Much too young.

 

Or perhaps over the years you just "went with the flow" rather than taking a chance and ending it out of fear of being alone or not wanting to hurt your wife. Think about the love you shared with your wife... at the height of love, was it as good as what you have with the other woman? If not, why not?

 

It is 17 years ago. It is so hard to remember back that far. I think it was intense in that teenage way. But this feels different. It is a different kind of intensity.

 

 

The only reasons the other relationship can be better than your marriage is because the OW has qualities different from your wife which you prefer, OR, the relationship itself is better (perhaps not predicated on pain, negativity, or whatever else might cause tension your marriage).

 

 

There is no tension in the marriage. Even this affair has left little tension, surprisingly. The relationship with the OW is volatile and unstable, mostly due to the incredible pressures of the situation, but also because her personality type makes it so.

 

 

If its that the OW has qualities superior to your wife, is it possible for your wife to change for the better? I'm thinking along the lines of communication, sexual liberation, selflessness, thoughfullness... things that can change when effort is made. Has your wife changed over the years? Have your interests in a partner changed?

 

 

Yes the OW has some superior qualities... She is younger, more attractive, more sexually liberated, better able to communicate feelings. She is also more interested in touch and physical contact (hugs and kisses), which is something my wife never found natural.

 

My wife on the other hand has other superior qualities she is more stable, reliable and practical. I would also say she is more selfless than the OW.

 

Both women are intelligent, hard-working, honest and reliable.

 

My wife hasn't changed so much over the years, other than becoming more distant from me. To be honest I have changed more... I am just not interested in the things she is interested in any more. She likes music / I don't. She likes TV / I can't even be in the room with it on. I am interested in spirituality and personal growth. For her this is meaningless. I enjoy new things, new experiences, she likes routine and things to be stable and consistent. As well as "love" I think this need for stability and routine is why she is so easily able to forgive me for this terrible thing I have done.

 

 

If it is the relationship itself which is better, then think about if the negative aspects of your marriage are inevitable in every relationship (and would eventually occur in a LTR with OW). Perhaps the hardships you and your wife have faced has put tension on things, and your behaviour towards each other is negatively impacted because of it (the infidelity itself is an example of this). If that is the case, solving it requires that you both have to identify and acknowledge the issues, and work together to overcome them. Unfortunately, not all issues can be solved; once some things are deformed, they can never be put back to their original form.

 

 

The relationship is just stale. Yes there have been some financial and work issues (nothing too serious), that meant we have been a bit disappointed with how life has turned out for us. Dreams we had that we just haven't been able to attain.

 

I think somewhere along the line, I just became Dad and not husband. I don't blame my wife for that at all. It is something I should have addressed more forcefully at the time. I should have really explained the serious implications of it, rather than just talking about it. I should have showed her I was prepared to walk away and that I was unhappy, not cheated. Instead what happened was a cycle of talking about what is wrong, a couple of days of trying to fix it, then slipping back into the old routine and eventually me wondering about what it would be like with someone else and then doing it.

 

 

Ultimately, if things are not changable and repairable in order to make you happy, then ending the marriage is a reasonable result. Do not stay together for the kids sake... nobody really wants that, even the kids as they could grow up resenting the fact that they effectively were responsible for their father's (and possibly their mother's) unhappiness. You can still be a good father, while not being married to their mother.

 

Do not take my advise as conditional permission to end your marriage. Many people looking for advice actually just want permission to do something they WANT to do but feel guilty about. If you are just looking for permission, then you've already made your decision but are too cowardly to just do it. If you really do want to figure out the right decision, then spend these 3 months working HARD to learn about yourself, your wife, and your marriage.

 

I am not looking for permission. Just listening and trying to get input from as many people as possible. I know the decision will be mine, if my wife doesn't make it for me that is.

 

Another issue that I have been thinking about that is affecting my thought process. The OW did give up alot to be with me, and I feel really bad about kicking her out of my life. She will be left with nothing. I go back to my family, work things out, and she is just left in a strange city, alone. I am not saying that is a good reason for any decision, but it is affecting my emotions as I do care about her.

 

Thanks again everyone for your input.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I don't think it is advisable to stay in an empty marriage of convenience where he tolerates his wife and pines over another woman just because it is cheaper than divorce. If he chooses that then his wife has the right to know that he is grudgingly staying in the marriage for that reason..then she can choose to opt out knowing the real motivation.

[charlie_b]

Thanks for the input, but money is the last thing on my mind right now. I am not interested in material things. I don't care how much I am left with, as long as my kids get the best.

[annie24]

have you talked to your wife about trying to get the spark back into your marriage? like trying new things together (in and out of the bedroom), going off for a romantic weekend, or hiring a babysitter so you can have a weekly 'date night?' talk to her about this - maybe she will be open to making some changes? and ask if there are things she'd like you to do more.

[metrogirl]

Another issue that I have been thinking about that is affecting my thought process. The OW did give up alot to be with me, and I feel really bad about kicking her out of my life. She will be left with nothing. I go back to my family, work things out, and she is just left in a strange city, alone. I am not saying that is a good reason for any decision, but it is affecting my emotions as I do care about her.

 

Thanks again everyone for your input.

 

Well in all fairness, that is the chance she took when she decided to move closer.

 

Let's say you two did get together and stay together for a period of time and the relationship ultimately ends, she has still packed up and moved closer to be to you. Nothing is guaranteed.

[WhatThe]

Thanks for the input, but money is the last thing on my mind right now. I am not interested in material things. I don't care how much I am left with, as long as my kids get the best.

 

Many a seemingly considerate wife becomes a whacked-out, bitter ex-wife, especially when she feels she was abandoned.

 

When you are ordered to pay 85% of your income (I know a guy in this position right now) for child support and alimony, and your wife uses it to rent an apartment for her new jobless ex-con boyfriend who spends lots of 'alone' time with your kids, you'll be seeing the situation differently.

 

You do realize that you have *no* control over what your ex-wife does with your kids or with the court-ordered money you give her? You do, right? And if you object to how she treats the kids or uses the money, the only way you can object is to hire a lawyer with money you don't have, because it is all going to her? And if you decide to force the issue by not paying, you end up in jail?

 

There are hundreds of thousands of men caught in this trap. Some set the trap themselves. Don't let it be you.

[charlie_b]

have you talked to your wife about trying to get the spark back into your marriage? like trying new things together (in and out of the bedroom), going off for a romantic weekend, or hiring a babysitter so you can have a weekly 'date night?' talk to her about this - maybe she will be open to making some changes? and ask if there are things she'd like you to do more.

 

Yes we have started doing this. We went to the cinema the other day. But even then, I just couldn't get out of my mind the difference between going to the cinema with the OW and going with my wife. I am ashamed to say it, and it is very unfair I know. Also, I did enjoy going to the cinema and having time together.

 

It sounds really silly, and is hard to explain in a few words here, but something as simple as going to the cinema with OW is a kind of connected experience because our spiritual beliefs (which are the same). With my wife it is about watching a movie and spending time together. It is just different. Everything is different in that way. I appreciate that a big part of it is the chemicals of "falling in love", but it really isn't just that. The OW and I just view the world through the same kind of eyes. That is what attracted us to eachother in the first place, even online. That is what I miss the most already. My wife cannot ever replace that, and I wouldn't expect her to. It is just not her.

[charlie_b]

Point-taken. Thanks. I am not in the US, it is a bit different here, but women usually do better, of course. Hopefully it won't come to that.

[annie24]

i agree that you might have married too young, before you maybe had the opportunity to meet a better match for you. but there is something to be said about your wife being steady and there for you. as a single person who is out there in the dating scene - i can tell you - there are a lot more duds than gems. it's not easy to find someone incredible. i suspect you've met 2 incredible women - both awesome in their own way. but you did make a committment to your wife, in front of all your friends and family, to stick with her, good times and bad. i know you are a spiritual man, so some part of you must want to uphold that promise, right?

 

While I don't agree with staying in an unhappy marriage for the money, WhatThe does bring up a very good point about the financial implications of such a decision. especially because of your affair, and she's been the 'good wife and mother', you may get penalized very heavily.

 

anyways - i'm glad you two are trying date nights and all that again. what about going away on a couples' spirituality retreat or something along those lines? would she be open to that?

[Ac143]

New relationships are GREAT, but once you get married, have kids, different life stresses..things change. It wont be all fun & great all the time. What happens if this new fling cheats on you in a few years & leaves?

 

Are you really that miserable with your wife? You have a woman that apparently will stick by you thru thick & thin, are you willing to let that go because of this OW? Are you ok with all the risks involved?

 

If you arent 100% commited to your marriage & dont see it working - then let your wife find someone that will love her the way she deserves to be loved, she sounds like a great woman & Im sure there are tons of men out there looking for just that.

[charlie_b]

 

i suspect you've met 2 incredible women - both awesome in their own way.

 

 

Yes I have. I am a very lucky man, of that I am in no doubt. Though very different, each of these women is wonderful, and I have nothing bad to say about either of them. It's difficult to believe for some I am sure, but I do love them both.

 

 

 

but you did make a committment to your wife, in front of all your friends and family, to stick with her, good times and bad. i know you are a spiritual man, so some part of you must want to uphold that promise, right?

 

 

Yes it does. And I wouldn't make that promise to anyone again now that I understand what it means.

 

 

While I don't agree with staying in an unhappy marriage for the money,

 

 

Yes I am nowhere near the point of considering the financial implications. I am just not even thinking in those practical terms. Frankly money is not important to me compared to the other issues at the moment. I am sure that changes with time. But if I want a divorce, if it comes to that, I would just do it. I think the split would be amicable, if it came to it. My wife has already told me that.

 

 

anyways - i'm glad you two are trying date nights and all that again. what about going away on a couples' spirituality retreat or something along those lines? would she be open to that?

 

mmm nice idea... possibly... I think probably not though. She would just be embarrassed. Will give it some thought.

[Rah]

I can understand where you are coming from. People are not necessarily meant to be together and exclusive forever. If you end up deciding that you need to see other people and be single for awhile, you can look into just seperating your wife for awhile and arranging some sort of joint custody of the children so that they don't lose their father. It may be good for her as well to experience being "free" for awhile. Perhaps, you can have the kids on the weekends so that she can have a chance to date.

 

Maybe all you two really need is space and time to be out and about. It seems like you do love your wife a lot and that she loves you. It's possible that after some time apart you will both really remember why you two married and had children in the first place and their may be more passion in your relationship or you will find that it is best if you both had different partners. But none of that has anything to do with being a good parent and truly being their for your children.

 

You need to do what's best for you. Trust me, kids notice when their parents are just staying together for them and a lot of time they feel like it's their fault for their parents unhappiness. I don't know enough about your situation to know if that is the case or not. But you need to make sure you are doing what's best for you and you need to be honest with yourself.

[charlie_b]

New relationships are GREAT, but once you get married, have kids, different life stresses..things change. It wont be all fun & great all the time. What happens if this new fling cheats on you in a few years & leaves?

 

Yes I know it changes. I have been married for long enough to know that the honeymoon doesn't last for ever. If she cheats? Well that's just an "if"... Sure it could happen, but then my wife could cheat too especially now I have been unfaithful.

 

 

Are you really that miserable with your wife? You have a woman that apparently will stick by you thru thick & thin, are you willing to let that go because of this OW? Are you ok with all the risks involved?

 

 

If I was willing, I would have already done it. That is why I am here. But it is true that without the kids I would have left. So I guess I am ok with the risks, I just don't want to leave my kids... And I don't think I was ever miserable, just unsatisfied.

 

 

If you arent 100% commited to your marriage & dont see it working - then let your wife find someone that will love her the way she deserves to be loved, she sounds like a great woman & Im sure there are tons of men out there looking for just that.

 

Yes she is a great woman. And yes there are tons of men out there looking just for that. And yes, I have even said that to my wife. I told her the differences between us, and asked her if she really thinks I am the one for her... Some of those differences are not positive for her. A man who likes changes and adventure does not fit well with a woman who likes stability and routine, for example. But apparently she doesn't want someone else. She just wants the "old me" back.

 

It's not that I don't see it working... it's just as it says in the subject line... I am confused. And since there are only 3 people who know about this affair, I have nobody to turn to for advice.

 

So I am gratefully receiving all comments, flames or otherwise.

[charlie_b]

Interesting idea... the temporary separation one. Can it work in practical terms? The kids are really too young to understand what is going on right now... But they are sensitive and can sense something isn't right, probably. We don't argue, but of course kids are sensitive to atmosphere. Mum being upset, or Dad being preoccupied with posting on forums like this

[Rah]

I had a friend who was having marital issues and her and her hubby separated for awhile to figure out what truly makes them happy and to see other people. They ended up getting back together a couple years later and they seem to be a lot closer now then they ever were before. I think everyone just needs space and time to be themselves from time to time. It's at least worth considering, but it may not be the best option for all couples.

[tangi39]

I think you should get a divorce. I normally push people to seek counseling before making a decision BUT it sounds like you've already made one and are just going through the motions.

You don't sound like you are really invested in trying to make your marriage work. Don't make your wife believe there is a chance if there really isn't. The whole "3 months idea" just sounds like a way to justify that you tried, when in fact you aren't at all. If you want to remain married, you can never see this OW again. Ever. And it doesn't sound like you are even considering that.

 

If you cannot love your wife, set her free. Don't hold onto her if you don't really love her.Repeat after me- Your wife doesn't need you. It will be a lot more painful to give her false hope of reconciliation than to just be honest.

She will in time find another man who will love her and provide her with the support you cannot. Let her be with a man that really does want her. It sounds like she's a fantastic woman who won't have any trouble finding a man.

 

Your children are better off with you two separate than together without love or care.

 

Even if you get divorced, I think you should break up with this OW.

Who moves their whole life before even meeting someone ???

That sounds extremely high pressure to me. Are you sure she really loves you ? IMHO, she sounds like she is obsessed with the idea of being in love. It is easy to love the fantasy she's in right now, but when she sees the reality, I wonder will she still be "so in love " with you ?

Is she prepared to be a step mother ? And to deal with your ex for the rest of her life ? Or to give up luxuries so you can pay child support and alimony ?

I'm sorry but your OW, does not sound very mentally stable.

You mentioned she is younger, she sounds a lot more immature than you may believe. If she expects the problems and tension to disappear when you leave your wife, she's wrong- Then they are just beginning.

 

If you get divorced, do you really think the best thing to do is to jump into another committed relationship so soon ?

I think you should take some time to be alone and really get to know yourself and discover what you truly want. You've never really been a single adult. Do you really feel the best solution is to committ to someone who is already obsessed with you ? Not to mention, this woman doesn't really know you, she knows the pieces of you that you have revealed, with no problems or real life situations.

I think if you do this, you'll only be repeating the same scenario, getting hardcore involved with someone before you are ready.

 

That is just my two, take it for what it's worth.

[Kalika]

Wow. I'm just .. shocked. Honestly, what kind of woman would dump everyone and everything she has for someone she doesn't even know??? I am almost tempted to say that if you can't read the warning signs, perhaps you deserve the bumpy road ahead. If someone I was having an emotional affair with suddenly backed me into a corner like that, I'd be running for the hills. That seems like a very manipulative move to me. I don't think you really know this woman at all.

 

That being said, I agree with the others that 3 months of NC is not going to give you enough time. You can't even go to a movie without comparing the experience to going with your wife. If you're not 100% committed to making it work, why are you wasting everyone's time??

 

You should be either 100% in or get out.

 

I feel so bad for your kids and your wife right now.

[charlie_b]

Wow. I'm just .. shocked. Honestly, what kind of woman would dump everyone and everything she has for someone she doesn't even know??? I am almost tempted to say that if you can't read the warning signs, perhaps you deserve the bumpy road ahead. If someone I was having an emotional affair with suddenly backed me into a corner like that, I'd be running for the hills. That seems like a very manipulative move to me. I don't think you really know this woman at all.

 

It's nice to see it from the outside like that. What some would see as her romantic move to drop everything to be with someone she fell in love with, others would see as manipulative and unstable. Thanks for that.

 

And yes, I do know this OW, she is unstable and in some respects manipulative and I also know it wouldn't last a lifetime. I know there would be a bumpy road ahead with me left bleeding on the street probably.

 

There is no 100%. I am just not at that point. My head is still spinning. I am confused as per the subject line.

[charlie_b]

Thanks tangi... Appreciate the advice.

[maritalbliss]

And yes, I do know this OW, she is unstable and in some respects manipulative and I also know it wouldn't last a lifetime. I know there would be a bumpy road ahead with me left bleeding on the street probably.

 

look I'll give it to you really straight-forward.

 

You are ADDICTED to the other woman..... that is SO VERY NORMAL but it's also the worst thing ever!!!

 

You will always have feelings for her (even if you stay with your wife and have a happy resolved marriage). But I can promise you that if you do leave your wife for her, she will not keep up the things she is doing now... and you will be left being DISAPPOINTED AGAIN.

 

this is truth, I've seen it happen so many times, I may be young, but I've seen too much.

 

to be honest, the only way i've seen it work is for the cheating husband and his wife to go to desperate measures and MOVE AWAY from the other woman.

 

You need to be as far away as possible because it is a REAL addiction (I'm totally not kidding).... Your wife, in order to trust you again, needs to be able to read all your emails, phone calls, texts.... ie. your life needs to be an open book to her (its crazy sounding but its the only way she'll know for sure you're not continuing the affair.

 

 

ultimately you have to choose: do you want a crazy unstable, unfaithful, woman who will inevitably change if you DO leave your wife for her (believe it, she has it easy right NOW but when you do become hers and she has children with you she won't be so willing to meet your every sexual need anymroe --this is how these women are) so sorry b/c I know you're counting on her remaining the same (but the truth (from other results) is they never do)

 

 

 

I've never ever been through this myself... and me and my husband havve n amazing marriage and have an AMAZING sex life !!!!!!!!!

But its b/c we change things up and make sure we don't fall into routine. And I know how important really good sex is to him .... so you and your wife probably need GOOD counseling to get her to see that (or you could just tell her -being honest) that this was part of the reason for the affair (which it truly was - and I'm not bashing you, sex is an extremely important part of a marriage... and not just "sex" I mean amazingly good sex that she enjoys and wants to have with you)..

 

 

 

you could really fix this... but you have to want to choose her.

[maritalbliss]

but it is true that you have intense feelings you've never had with your wife before (and that is why affairs are so TOXIC) because you are (you feel at least) in love in ways you've never been before.

 

 

BUT you have to hear me (cuz I know you won't really believe me yet until you see it happening) these feelings will fade as you start to see the bad sides of her

 

that's also why affairs are so addictive, you don't ever get to truly see the downside of the other person and yet you ALWAYS get to see your spouse's!!!!!!!!!

 

 

 

maybe you might have some insight now into the workings of affairs.... they are so hard to break free of.... you need to treat it as an addiction and need to cut her out of your life *(only of course if you want to save your marriage)

 

 

this is why you can't just wait 3 months or some crap like that! Thhis is honestly going to take the rest of your lifetime.... but hey, that's what you got yourself into. so deal with it. (sorry being a little harsh, but you NEED the harsh truth from someone)

[charlie_b]

Thanks marital... you know, I know all of this "in theory".

 

I also know that the OW is not a partner for life. She is unstable and I know she would change in time, of course. Probably would leave me and go back to her home city at some point. She says I am "the one" for her, and we connect in ways she hasn't felt before, but I can see that in time that would change. It is true that we connected in ways my wife and I didn't and never could have... It wasn't about sex, though that became a factor later. Remember that it was an emotional affair long before sex was even possible (she lived 1000 miles away, and it was never even something we considered). We didn't even know what the other looked like for 2 months or speak for 4 months. The emotional affair was just as much a betrayal in my eyes, by the way, as sex ever was.

 

I know this is addiction withdrawal... same for OW, which is why we have found it so hard to finish it. I was hoping that 3 months would allow some of that addiction to wane and let me see more sense, since I am obviously not acting or thinking sensibly now. The advice on here, suggests not.

 

For those who have suggested I have already made my decision, and I should just divorce my wife, I don't think that is the case. I just haven't accepted inside that this is an addiction and I need to end it. That is the first step probably. All logic tells me that this woman isn't for me, but my feeling is still that I want to be with her. Sounds a bit like drug or alcohol addiction, doesn't it?

 

Thanks

[maritalbliss]

be prepared to feel so very depressed when it starts to take its toll (but the good thing is that will go away in time!!!) I'm so proud of you to want to pull through it, honestly, most men can't handle it and it does take the truly brave and comitted (which is props to you - and I do think you will make it).

 

I didn't mean for my posts to sound like it was all for or b/c of the sex...... I know it started through an emotional affair first (that is almost ALWAYS the case ) and you I know you probably didn't even seek sex out of it... I never meant to acuse you of that.

 

But seriously, it is like withdrawls to quit yourself of her... and its a VERY LONG process. But if you fall back into it (which is so easy to do especially because she's going through withdrawls of you too) it will only get so much worse.

 

have you thought of concrete ways to ensure not seeing her (like moving away for example, or going through the low-down with your wife where every night you tell her everything you did that day????

 

I'm just trying to help you, becuase you obviously need someone who will give you advice/examples (unless you find a good marriage counselor - but that's really hard to do and honestly marriage counseling has the highest FAILURE rate of all types of counseling!!)

 

you need to let your wife in on this.... make yourself extremely accountable to her in letting her know exactly every detail of your life. If you don't, you could lose HER because she'll never really get over this and recover her TRUST in you. And you probably already know, trust can only be built... and you just demolished her's ... it will take a long time to repair it but I know you CAN!!!

 

but you need to communicate with ner. you can't just do this alone.