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Help My wife of 12 years left me


rebelfac

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I can't believe I took her for granted but I definitely realize what I had now that it's gone. I met her just before she turned 18 and we were soul mates. I realized that I didn't give her the affection or show her the love that she needed. I treated her too much like one of the guys and a business partner. I also was pursuing what i thought was our dream the last two years while she was the main income earner. Big mistake as well. She met a guy at her new job a year ago and helped him when he was lost. He wasn't attractive and i though nothing of it. He started taking her to lunch from the free lunch perks of his new job. They started having an emotional affair ( didn't discover until 3 weeks ago) and she left me the third week in Oct to move in with him and supposedly his wife and three year old.We have a twelve year old daughter. I understood she thought i wouldn't change and why she did what she did.( I was naive) I asked her if the wife was living there and she said no longer so I confronted her on instant message and she confessed. She had put in the effort to remain best friends by calling me every morning for two months on the way to work. I let her of the hook.forgave her because she was the perfect wife for 12 years. When all three of us get together we have much more fun when we are a little affectionate. ( little flirting and 10 second kisses occasionally) She had warmed up to friends with benefits three weeks after she left but told me Saturday she is getting serious with him and on Monday said don't bring up sex.( but affection is still ok) The thing I know she will miss the most is our incredible communication. ( which explains why she wants to remain friends) She is an exceptional person despite her new character flaw of cheating. ( she hadn't lied to me or never did I catch her look at another guy in 14 years. I respect her more than any female still and would still want her back in a couple of years. Should I initiate no contact?

 

Thanks

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Wow thats pretty intense. I would stop letting her off the hook. She has cheated on you and has left your family in a bad place. What about your daughter???

 

I would sit down and let her know that you still want her and want your family back and that you will do what it takes to change the things that need to be fixed, go to counseling..etc.

 

Make her own up. Make her make a decision and let her know its gonna be her last chance. If she decided to stay with this man move on and only contact her when it has something to do with your daughter.

 

Im sorry

Brittney

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Well you can't cut all contact because you have a child with her however I would keep the conversations to that only. She left you for another man and is keeping you on a sting in case it doesn't work out with this guy. Is she leaves the new guy which she will in the near future she knows she can run back to you where you will be waiting with a smile.

 

You need to realize it is over and start getting on with your life the best you can. She cheated emotionally and probably physically too, she just won't tell you. Also don't put all the blame on yourself if there were problems she should have tried to work things out instead of getting involved with a coworker.

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Thanks for the feedback. My daughter is also living in his house. My wife does want to move on and is getting serious with him but never really had much of a chance to miss me. This is so not like her. He is likely doing everything right , giving her the affection/cuddling that I didn't but I would if given another chance. She is way out of his league but looks aren't everything to her. She called me for two months before I knew of the affair. I just thought she left to see if I was capable of changing and I am but she wouldn't believe it at this point. She said she has a lot of things in common like wine. ( uuuhh we drank wine and how does this compare with having our daughter in common) I am handling this way better than I or her could have imagined but their isn't much I can do. Some say her hanging out with me gives me a much better chance one day to get back together. Believe me if she wasn't the perfect wife I would be angry and would move on but I am just being real with how exceptional she is outside of the big betrayal at the end. I don't think their is anything more I can do but date others and hope it's meant to be in the future.

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Sorry to hear about this. That sounds difficult.

 

The good news for you is that this relationship she is in is not going to work. The bad news is you have a lot of work to do, and it doesn't include learning how to please her better. It does include becoming someone that she respects. She seems to have the idea she can do whatever she feels like. You'll have to change that, and it's a long hard process.

 

For some period of time, while the new romance is still a 'romance' there is going to be no comparison. She's not going to miss you until her new relationship starts going sour and that could be anytime from the next few weeks to 3 years. NC probably won't help or hurt at this point. You probably want to maintain the appearance of being unattached without being completely unavailable. But mostly unavailable, except for brief glimpses of the work you are doing on yourself. You can begin learning about relationships. Get a counselor, read books, learn everything you can. Then when her other relationship starts falling apart she will be comparing the guy she's with, who has no clue, with you who is beginning to get a clue. Good luck.

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