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Fence sitting with moving in... disappointed and confused


honeybee

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I'm 24 and my boyfriend of 8 months is 30.

About 10 weeks ago he moved interstate and we discussed that by about 3 months I would hopefully be able to follow. In the mean time we decided to make regular trips back and forth to see each other. He has just been with me for 2 weeks. We spend every night together. I lived at his place 'unofficially' for 6 weeks prior to him moving.

I've also moved back home so I can fund my flights. I'm very unhappy living at home and up until today my room has been cluttered with an entire house hold of stuff. I've just had to pay for it to go into storage.

Now I'm due to fly to him in 3 weeks for 3 weeks. We decided months ago that I will do some agency work when im there to see what I think. He wanted me to be 100% sure that I wanted to move. I've moved most of my wardrobe there as well as heaps of other stuff which he was and is still happy for me to do.

On my last visit we discussed me moving there again. I made it very clear that I wanted to be there, to which he said "so you're 100% sure you want to move" I said yes and we discussed rent, bills, how much Id work etc. To me it seemed pretty clear I was going to be moving soon.

Over the last few days the discussion has come up and now whilst hes still happy for me to work there, move up my things etc, he doesnt want me living with him. I have a set of keys to his place, which he is happy for me to have, we go furniture shopping together yesterday to buy an outdoor setting that we both like. He said he wanted me to like it too.

I just don't understand. I don't know what to do. I'm hanging in limbo. He knows it. I feel heart broken, frustrated, hurt and disappointed.

He's reasoning:

We've only been together for 8 months (Ive rebutted that)

What if it doesnt work out for us then Ill have to move back home (I explained very nicely that It could work out and whats to say that if i move in that it wont work until 2 years!)

He's never lived with a girlfriend before (I reminded me that we are never apart when we visit each other and that I spent 6 weeks living with him before he moved - AND that all his previous house mates have been female)

That I should just be happy with making trips for now (even though I cant afford it and in the mean time disrupting my work.)

That he's happy living alone ( not much I could say to that except that he was going to be very lonely when he was 40 and not living with anyone)

That I should only move there because its something we both want, not because I have no where else to go (I thought he did want it, maybe i was mistaken...)

He is able to come up with any excuse. We're now argueing over it. I am miserable. I just don't know what to do. I don't know why he's being like this.

Any advise would be so greatly appreciated.

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Hmm... I am not sure what is going on just from reading your post, but I do know that my boyfriend and I have discussed that when he gets a job out of state in 6-8 months we would decide about me going with him. I never said anything, but I have considered moving to a separate apartment. I think that I wouldn't have moved in with him in the same city probably, so why would I move in with him just because we are in different cities? Plus, then I am more likely to become dependent on the relationship instead of making my own support network in friends because it would be too easy to just hang out together. And people would be less likely to make friends with us because we are a couple... and people mostly befriend individuals not "couples"... so yeah, I know I am thinking about this way in advance, but I don't think you should assume the worst. I think also instead of "rebutting" his arguments, maybe you should really listen and acknowledge them, respect them, and decide if you want to live closer to him but in your own apartment?

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He's committed to you or not. I certainly wouldn't move interstate if he's not sure he wants to be with me in a serious relationship.

 

If he's never lived together before, does that mean he never wants to live together? And do you want to be with someone who doesn't? He needs to give you more concrete answers about where he thinks this relationship is going and whether he intends to marry etc. If he won't commit to you, don't uproot your life to go NOT live with someone who may never want to live together.

 

You can always move out and live in your own place and see where it goes, but make sure his long term plans mesh with yours (i.e., he does eventually want to live/marry).

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I think he is being wise. Provided that the plan is that you move in if everything works out and before too long.

 

It is important for you to become established on your own there first so that you don't feel dependent on him in anyway and he doesn't feel he is under an obligation not to break up with you if things don't go well.

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Although his reasons may sound like excuses I think he is being wise in thinking it out properly as much as it is hurtful he is being sensible.

 

However it is not entirely fair for him to send mixed messages, one minute your moving in the next your not.

 

Chances are if hes thirty and hes never lived with anyone hes fairly set in his way of life and happy with it, he may be genuinley worried about having you move there and then having to move back.

 

Eight months isnt that long either, why not wait longer on the moving in thing and see how it goes from there? Dont pressure him just let him think about it and you should too.

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I know you may think he is rejecting you but maybe he is not. For whatever reason he has, real or imaginary, he is not ready to move in with you. It doesnt mean that he doesn't love you or that he won't want to move in with you 3-6months or even a year from now. Don't move just to be with him, that is alot of pressure to put on a man and a relationship that is only 8 months long. Move to create something for yourself, to start a new life, to explore your dreams, hopes, wants, and if he is there beside you that is a plus! Why not get your own place, gain a little more independence and show him that you don't NEED him you love him and want to be with him. I mean, would you love him any less if you had your own place? If not, don't think that he would love you any less either.

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I think he is being wise. Provided that the plan is that you move in if everything works out and before too long.

 

It is important for you to become established on your own there first so that you don't feel dependent on him in anyway and he doesn't feel he is under an obligation not to break up with you if things don't go well.

 

I have to agree very much. Why not get your own place there & take things a step at a time....

 

A biggie issue like moving in has to be okay equally between the two people. You do not want to "force" the issue where one of you (him) is clearly feeling it is not exactly the right time. Whenever something is "forced" it is only asking for difficulty in the relationship, and in this case, if you rush things you can't go back & change the fact or damage it may have done. If you take it slow - you can't say it wasn't done "right" in that regard.

 

And important is to know it needn't be a rejection of you or indication of any less feeling for you in any way, shape form.... Maybe this is something bothering you. On the contrary, remember, he does want you to move out there which is huge in & of itself & also telling of his feelings for you. And he may feel that this relationship is special enough to handle with the greatest care in doing what would give it the best chance at health & longevity... Care enough not to just "dive in" but nurture it, learn how to "be in it" within the same city first...

 

I think the very best thing you can do is to trust in his caring and to be understanding, loving, supportive, patient & flexible here....

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Hey all. Thanks for your feedback. Taking it all on board.

Im certain its just him being sensible. It's just so frustrating. Ive gone from spending every night with him to seeing him for a few days every 3 weeks or so. It's heartbeaking. We both see our relationship heading the same way and we both consider our relationship as being very serious. Apart from this issue we are on the same page with everything.

His reason now is that I know no one there and he really didnt like the idea of me living in my own place up there. He has a huge group of friends and he organises for me to go out with some of his female friends when im up there without him so that i can start making friends. But apart from that, friends will still be an issue if I move up now or in 6 months! Now he's talking about getting another room mate to help him pay the rent. I explained that I'd be hurt and upset if he did this and he said that I didn't have a right to feel this way. At the end of the conversation I said something along the lines of "You don't want me there anyway" to which he told me he did?!?!?! It's driving me mental!

Thanks guys!

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It's pretty clear he wants his options open. He won't mind if you come up there, but he's not committing to you taking the relationship a step farther and moving in.

 

so you need to decide whether the relationship is worth continuing or not, and if you think it is, i'd move into your own place where he is, but also have a very clear timeline of what you want. If he still doesn't want to live together or move the relationship forward after you've been there a year or so, he may not want to actually live with you or marry you and that may be a problem.

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hmmmmm, I would certainly feel very upset if this was me, but then again I can understand the pressure he must feel at you moving cities to be with him. 8 months is not that long really to be in a relationship for.

 

he has offered that you go and live up there butnot with him, I would take that offer. at least he is not totally ignoring your calls or anything and trying to break up with you. dont push him, or it might all fall to pieces. I know this news is a shock to your system, but he is being honest at least and he cant help if he is starting to feel like that...

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