Encouragement--It Will Get Better

[tlcat28]

I recently went through a terrible break up of a very long relationship of several years. I read this forum religiously because I was absolutely sure I was going to die from a broken heart. As you all know, the pain of a break up is excruciating. I felt like I should post now, now that I'm past the worst part, and share with you that it will get better, but I know you don't believe me. That's okay.

 

I did absolutely everything that you were not supposed to do. I sent angry e-mails. I begged. I pleaded. I cried. I did everything I could to break "no contact." I gave up on no contact. I was convinced I was not going to make it without him. It was virtually impossible to see past the next five minutes without him in my life. I had been with him for so long, I wasn't complete without him. I was so scared. I thought about suicide. I thought it would have to be easier to be dead. I spent days in bed, crying so hard I couldn't breathe. I cried every night. I missed work. I felt like life was over, so why not end it anyway.

 

It's not even been three months since we broke up. I never made the decision to let it go. I was content with hanging onto the pain and grief forever. I didn't care. But it happens without you really knowing it. Each day, whether I wanted to or not, I got better. Trust me, I did not want to get better. I wanted him back. I was never going to give up. Never, not ever. But I just did--and you will too.

 

I think back three months and I know that I am not in that place anymore, nor do I have to be, and that in itself is a boost. That's what I want you to do, and what got me through it, I think. Think about yesterday, then today. Is there just one little, tiny thing that is better? It could be that you cried one minute less. It could be that you smiled for one second. Think back a week, are you still that sad? I mean it can be the smallest possible thing. But, all these things have a way of adding up and it's out your control, really. I've read (just about everything on the internet about break ups) that you have to make yourself let go, but I don't think that is really what has to happen. It happens anyway. Please just know that.

 

Here is some more encouraging news, but this you DO have to make yourself do, more like force yourself. I went out on a date just very recently. That sounds really disgusting right now doesn't it? Well, it was. I felt just yucky afterward. Many of you aren't at this stage yet, but you will be. I PROMISE. As a matter of fact, I actually went out on another date! This one went much better, and I actually had an "attraction" of sorts to him. I find myself thinking about him in a way I thought I would NEVER think about anyone again.

 

It happens, whether you want it to or not, it happens. It will happen to you. You will move on. You will get better. You will survive. You will not die from this. If someone had said this to me three months ago, I would have just cried harder, like you are doing right now. This post has probably scared you that you might actually move on from your lost loved one. Maybe that's the key. I don't know.

 

My heart breaks for absolutely every single one of you going through this. Please just get through the next five minutes, then the next five minutes. It is really amazing what the human spirit does. It moves you where you're supposed to go.

 

YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS!!!

[lisa1126]

Your post brought tears to my eyes.

Thank you very much for sharing your experience. It is so encouraging.

[searching1951]

Thank you for an excellent post. We need more posts like this that chronical the process to give hope to those in the depths of despair.

The only thing I would add to what you say is that there are set-backs. Just when you think you have achieved a new solidity, suddenly you see her (him) or someplace brings back a memory, and you feel like you've fallen back to the start. But the fact is, you haven't..these set-backs are temporary and they have decreasing depth and frequency as time goes on.

 

We are not born to wallow forever in break-up pain. We are meant to get back on track. And the most amazing thing is how, in a year, or two or three or...(depending upon circumstances), you'll hardly ever think of the ex and wonder how you could have been so down over the ending. For many of us, we'll wonder what the hell we ever saw in them in the first place. Believe me.

[kitchty]

Thank you...

 

I teared up as well. As you said, I still don't believe I will get any better...it is nice to hear that you used to feel that way, too....

[kitchty]

Would you mind telling us how long you were in that relationship? What went wrong? was it your first?

 

Thank you!

[tlcat28]

Would you mind telling us how long you were in that relationship? What went wrong? was it your first?

 

Thank you!

 

We were together for 7 years. And, no, we didn't feel the need to get married (and thank God we didn't). It wasn't my first relationship, but it was my first and only "adult" relationship of any importance. In retrospect, a lot of things went wrong, but one day he told me he was "empty" and wanted to date other people. Yep, just like that. So, you can see that if I invested 7 years in him, and lived to tell the story of the break up, it can be done. I'm basically starting over with no clue what to do since I was so young when I met him. However, it happens. You move forward.

[crab62]

another testament here saying it gets better... and I say that with sadness

 

I didn't want to let go of my exbf either... I still love him. but he chose to leave, and he's gone and the pain is getting better. In fact, I'm not sure it's even pain anymore, it's more just sadness at times and missing him. It's been 10 weeks since the break-up... and not my first break-up, LOL... I have a few unfortunately.

 

The gut wrenching shattering of my heart has ended (you can find the pieces of my heart on the city streets, LOL... where I cried every day walking to wrok).... but like I said, I still have sadness and moments of missing him.

 

but when I miss him, I remember this is what he wanted... and I can't call him to fill that emptiness. He doesn't want to fill it, so I need to fill it myself.

 

but yes it does get better, even if it's the last thing we want, or the last thing we want to hear.

 

bittersweet I guess.

[crab62]

..

But can it happen if we never meet someone else? Can we really heal? Do you feel you were pretty much feeling better before you met him?

 

I haven't met anyone else, and I'm feeling better. In fact, there is no way I could ever get into another relationship while having feelings for an ex... I just don't work that way. It would probably make me ever more sad, ugggh.

 

It's totally possible to heal without another relationship, it's absolutely the only way I have ever gotten over a break-up.

[tlcat28]

..

But can it happen if we never meet someone else? Can we really heal? Do you feel you were pretty much feeling better before you met him?

 

Oh, absolutely. You will REALLY heal.

 

I wouldn't say that I've met someone, either. It's just one date. I'm certainly not head over heels already! It was more like I was sitting there with him, and I thought 'wow, he's really cute and funny and nice, I wouldn't mind seeing him again.' I wasn't thinking about my ex--I was thinking about that man. It was a great feeling. Even if I never see him again, I know that I did it, and that I had those thoughts!

 

You will get there!!!

[crab62]

..

I am glad you shared that, it is good to know. It has not happened to me - I have always healed after entering into another relationship. It is only then that I was able to truly not miss the person (the ex).

 

i am the total opposite. being with someone else while having feelings for an ex, would just make me miss him more. cause if I was with a new guy, all i'd be thinking about would be the exbf... and that would make me so sad!!

 

my one girlfriend keeps saying "on your next boyfriend"... and I say STOP!!, there will be no next boyfriend, LOL!!

 

I am taking a few years off from men!! LOL

[tlcat28]

..

I am glad you shared that, it is good to know. It has not happened to me - I have always healed after entering into another relationship. It is only then that I was able to truly not miss the person (the ex).

 

I bet it wasn't getting into another relationship that really "healed" you. I think you probably felt better all by yourself which enabled you to see someone else. Don't give anyone else credit for what you did!

[lostnva]

Wow!!! I went through eveything you did. Same feelings. And yes, it sucked a big one! It was the worst ever.

 

6 monthes later. I still think of him. I still love him. But its different. I also have a lot of nasty feelings. When I think of him now it almost grosses me out. I think of how he was not the person I thought he was. How he just left me after four years of empty promises. How he had nothing to offer me. How he still is a miserable person, and even more so now. He thought the grass was greener on the side. Boy was he wrong. He has the saddest life ever. He has told me. I have to admit, I am glad he is unhappy and sad. My life is good. I have great friends and family. I have a good job, a house thats mine, and school. He has nothing. He got laid off, his jeep broke down, and he lives in a townhouse that his moms bestfriends owns (not his). Hes behind in child support, owes the IRS and god only knows who else. KARMA KARMA KARMA is biatch!!!!!!!!! Awww I get the last laugh.

[Mock Chop]

..

But can it happen if we never meet someone else? Can we really heal? Do you feel you were pretty much feeling better before you met him?

 

Of course it can, the human mind can only cling to pain for so long. You can do your bit to perpetuate it or distance yourself from it.

 

It's been a year since my ex and I broke up. I gave up everything I knew to build a life with him. I turned my world, and my son's world, upside down because I believed in 'us'. I believed in him, I believed in our love, I believed all that he said. I trusted him wholeheartedly. And then it ended.

 

Believe me when I say that I hit absolute rock bottom. Of course, it didn't help that I was in the grip (although I didn't know it at the time) of a serious adverse reaction to Champix/Chantix. I was a shell of the woman I am now. I had nothing. I've still got a few thousand pounds of debt because of the decisions I made in order to build a future with him. I could see no future, nothing at all.

 

It's not been easy - especially when outwardly it appears he walked away without a backward glance. Does he ever think of me? I don't know and I'm not sure I care anymore. I'm left with a lingering sadness that something so good could go so bad, that someone could do what he did, but in the midst of the devastation, sitting in the ashes of my former life, I found myself. For the first time in my life, I can look in the mirror and see the true reflection of who I am. I know that it's his loss. I've faced all my demons head on and I've won. Has he?

 

So good has come out of the bad. I've broken away from so many toxic things because he broke up with me. I've found out who I am, what makes me tick, what makes me happy - and most of all, I've found my self-worth.

 

I've been on a few dates and knocked it on the head because I knew I wasn't ready. I still had so much to learn about me. Now I'm dipping a foot in the dating pool again. You don't NEED someone to get over someone else. You need yourself. It's a cliche, isn't it - you can't expect anyone to love you until you love yourself. What I prefer is that you can't expect anyone to respect you until you respect yourself. I know what I want, I know what I deserve and I'm not going to settle for second best. I don't need anyone to fill the void in my life because I've filled it myself.

 

You create your reality, no one else. Say you'll never get over them and voila, you'll never get over them. Learn from it, grow and find yourself and your own path and who knows what you can achieve?

[paddlestick]

this is my first time on this site after yesterday's breakup and it was so encouraging to read a post like this one. it's like you know exactly how i'm feeling, how i almost can't imagine wanting to let go of the pain of losing him. i feel like the emptiness and pain will never go away, so i really hope that what you say is true. thank you so much for posting.

[tlcat28]

this is my first time on this site after yesterday's breakup and it was so encouraging to read a post like this one. it's like you know exactly how i'm feeling, how i almost can't imagine wanting to let go of the pain of losing him. i feel like the emptiness and pain will never go away, so i really hope that what you say is true. thank you so much for posting.

 

Oh, paddlestick, it will go away. You will feel so much better than you do right now.

[kldfjlaksdj]

You need yourself. It's a cliche, isn't it - you can't expect anyone to love you until you love yourself. What I prefer is that you can't expect anyone to respect you until you respect yourself.

 

Mock Chop, if I could ever follow something that would help me the most. THAT would be it.

 

OP, your post is really encouraging. Thank you for it!

[tlcat28]

..

Thank you, Tlcat...be sure and keep us posted on how things go!

 

Well, here's another little tidbit--proof that you CAN think about someone else without getting totally grossed out because it's not your ex. The "date" sent a text just a few minutes ago--and I actually liked it. Lol. Don't misread this and think I'm saying finding someone else is the way to heal. It's not. I've certainly not found someone with just a date under my belt. But, it does help with some of the emotions you might be feeling if your ex is seeing someone. Whether the first date was a disaster or not, and it probably will be, you know someone is interested, and then you know you aren't this boring, unloveable person you've convinced yourself you are...

[Deckard]

cat - I thought your original thread was awesome and, as a fellow ascendant from relatonship hell, salute you for sharing your journey to inspire the recently devastated souls on ENA.

[hereagain]

 

You create your reality, no one else. Say you'll never get over them and voila, you'll never get over them. Learn from it, grow and find yourself and your own path and who knows what you can achieve?

 

Exactly, we are responsible for our own reality. You have to be willing to move on and grow and learn. It's too easy to say I'll never get over them, it gives you an excuse to wallow in your misery forever and a day, but if you are actually willing to get over the break up, you will be a lot happier a lot quicker.

[tlcat28]

I've continued to read the forum since I last posted this message. It makes me sad to hear how everyone is hurting. I wish there were some magic words to take it all away from you. Please listen to me, and many, many others on this board that have told you that you will feel better. You WILL. It's a guarantee. I feel like this post will be redundant to the one I posted earlier, but my heart is truly breaking for you. I read your stories and I was there. I felt all these things. I cried as hard as you are now. I have tears in my eyes now just thinking of all the hurting going on. I used to read all these messages too, and thought well, that will never be me. Never. Never. Never. I'm going to feel this * * * * ty forever.

 

I know what you are going through. You think you can't make it. You don't think you'll survive this. You absolutely have to talk to your ex. You cry all the time. You can't eat. You can't sleep. You can't function. You want to quit your job. You have thoughts of suicide. You wonder if you should get professional help. You know it will kill you if you see your ex with someone else. You think there's no way you can move past this pain and move on. You think you'll never find someone else. It disgusts you to even think of someone else.

 

Well, you will make it. You will survive. You'll stop crying. You won't need to talk to your ex. You will eat and sleep again. You will function and find that you can work. Your thoughts of despair, suicide, desperation and hopelessness will go away. It won't kill you if you see your ex with someone else (it will sting--but it won't kill you). You will move on. You will have feelings for someone else.

 

I kept holding on to the pain. I was scared to let it go. It was my comfort zone to be in pain. I was at rock bottom, depths of despair, had to get help. I refused to let him go. I didn't let it go. But, no matter how hard you try to keep holding on the pain, your body won't let you. Just know that it isn't something you have work, work, work, on because that creates fear. It creates fear of the future that if you let go, they are gone. I think your mind and body get sick of it way before you do so they say, 'hey, we aren't doing this anymore' and sure enough you're feeling better.

 

Everyone--I was there. It was hell. I was not going to make it. But I did. I came out on the other side so much better. Don't get me wrong, I still think of him, but it's not the gut-wrenching thoughts I had before. They are just passing thoughts now.

 

Also remember that you are loveable. Someone will love you again. That is also a guarantee, and probably the farthest truth from your mind at this point.

 

What I wish is that each of you had known me, and seen me, after the break up so you would know that I was in the EXACT SAME spot you were in. Some people still think that their situation is different or worse or the pain is not the same...it is. They think that all of us this forum couldn't possibly be going through what "I'm" going through so these stories of hope won't work for them. That's why I wish you could have seen me. Then you'd know I'm really telling you the truth. That it does get better. So much better.

 

I'm awake at 3:30 in the morning. I remember two months ago being awake at 3:30 a.m., shaking, restless, couldn't bear the thought of another day, wondering if I should swallow that bottle of pills, crying so hard my body shook uncontrollably. Today, I'm up and I'm sharing my story with you so you'll know there's hope. I'm also thinking of a wonderful man I'm having lunch with today. I'm not thinking about who my ex is having lunch with, or that I want to have lunch with him. It WILL happen to you, too.

 

Whether you want to or not, you WILL get better. You WILL heal. You WILL be okay. If there was just some proof I could give you, I would...