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Critisized for being critical?


JeckyllNHyde

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So apparently for some time now my bf feels I'm a critical person. I see it as being honest. He says it's being TOO honest.

I don't critisize him, ever. I know better then to do that.

 

But for instance here are some scenario's:

His little sister just bought 5 new products for acne. I gave my input since I also had struggled with it, and sometimes still get outbreaks. I know how horrible it can be to want to get rid of with no succes.

I offered my advice telling her she didn't need to spend alot on all those. She just needs to buy X, Y, Z and those do a good job. I hate seeing people waste money when they can get the essentials, but that's just me.

My bf kind of cut me off and later told me not to say that. That I was making her feel bad after she and her mom had already bought all that stuff.

 

What? Why would I do that? I see her as a good friend and just offered input. This happened some time back..

 

 

Another scenario happened and I gave my opinion. Once again my bf kind of cut me off. Later explaining to me he didn't want his sis to be brought up with the mentality that she should care what others think.

 

 

I find this to be a bit of a double standard? I get critisized and feel like crap when someone basically tells me to keep it to myself (specially when I'm not trying to be mean), yet that's ok?

 

Thoughts?

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hm, i guess, don't give your opinion until asked for it? i can understand wanting to be helpful to the sis. trust me, i get it. i often want grab overweight people i see on the street and tell them all about weight watchers, but i don't want to get beaten up. i guess i'd just keep it to yourself and don't say anything unless asked. maybe she'll see your clear skin and ask for your secret then?

 

besides - everyone has different skin and what works for one person doesn't work for another. she might just grow out of it too!

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So he feels that you're critical of others, not of him? If it was of him, then I'd think that he just doesn't like confrontation.

 

I guess everyone has their own way of interacting with others. Maybe his way is to just keep your opinions to yourself and let people do what they want. Your way is to offer advice and your opinion if you think you have something to add. Each is fine, but there's nothing with with either one.

 

I see nothing wrong with offering your opinion. I do it all the time. Maybe it's the way you go about it that he doesn't like? Either way, I don't think it's OK for him to tell you to keep your opinions to yourself. Some people don't take advice like that well, but as long as you are polite about it I don't see an issue with it. If he's uncomfortable with it, it's his problem. This is the way you are and it's not hurting anyone, so he needs to accept it.

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Yes, this is really spot on.

 

We have different styles and I see a problem with him telling me not to express myself. I feel like he's saying he has a problem with ME when maybe he doesn't mean that (or else why would he be with me).

I'm a very very polite person. I can be mean when someone calls me out but other then that I do my best to always be nice and not cause problems.

 

His comment made me want to stop even talking to his sis as it makes me wonder if she feels the same as him. I mean she didn't even give my comments a second thought, while he made a huge deal.

 

At first his comments hurt alot since I always try my best to make convo, and get along with his family. I feel it's being going so well too. JUst the other day his mom was telling me she wants us all going on a cruise ship. And sometimes if she knows I like something she'll make it specially for me.

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If you had been there when his sister and her mother were talking about her acne before they bought the products that would have been a good time to have stated your opinion - told them what worked for you so they could have used or not used that information.

 

But saying it after they had bought it could make them upset because it is too late - they have already bought it. And it can seem like a criticism for wasting money.

 

The bottom line is offer advice when it is needed, appropriate and won't be resented. And knowing the difference is a skill you probably need to acquire. I imagine your boyfriend knows his sister and mother well enough to be able to tell that they didn't appreciate what you were saying.

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His mom was happy I gave advice. I agree that in most cases he would know what they would resent and wouldn't.

His mom came to me for advice again actually, and honestly, i fessed up that he told me not to critisize. she said "oh no way, he's being silly, of course if you know about this stuff you should definitly tell us."

 

His sister however, I have no idea if she may have found it impolite.

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I think this is coming more from him than his family. From all of your threads, it really does seem that you have a completely different style of communication. He avoids confrontation and doesn't like to address issues. So maybe when you guys have those discussions, he feels like he's being criticized because he's being forced to actually deal with a situation. This could just be an extension of that.

 

Listen, you weren't insulting anyone. You were just offering advice and trying to be helpful. It's not like she had not bought ANY acne products and you went out on your own and got her some. Now that would be critical and rude. You just offered advice on something that she had already purchased. Unless his family has mentioned that they do not appreciate times like this, I think it's something that he just needs to deal with. Just like you have to accept that he's not forthcoming with his opinions all the time.

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As a general rule it is best to be guided about how to interact with a partner's family by the partner.

 

i fessed up that he told me not to critisize. she said "oh no way, he's being silly, of course if you know about this stuff you should definitly tell us."

 

I feel that you made a big mistake saying that to his mother and I would not be surprised if he gets very angry about that. Never, ever, enlist a partner's family on your side in a dispute or talk to them about problems or disagreements.

 

This isn't a question of right and wrong - it's a question of managing a relationship sensibly.

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