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How do you give trust to the one who cheated?


lovecrazy

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My boyfriend cheated on me, basically he went out with friends, and one of his friends sisters drove him home, and he kissed her.

 

That was abot 3 weeks ago, he has agreed not to see her, nor drink or guys nights out for a while....

 

but tonight he is going out with his friend to a UFC Fight night, he agreed to only having one beer, and just hang out.

 

Is that too soon to be giving him that rope? Part of me feels like if he does go out, I am gonna end up freaking out? Then part of me thinks it might help as in trusting him again, at least a step in the right direction...

 

I really dont know how to proceed?

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A person cheats because they want to. It is not the going out with friends or the alcohol that made them do it...it was done by their own free will. You can't lock him in a prison...he has to be free to go out, mingle with his friends etc. It is his own inner moral guide and convictions which will prevent him from straying...and if he doesn't have that inner moral guide and convictions then he will find a way to stray even if he only has one beer or doesn't hang out with his buddies. The bottom line is that you can't have him on a rope. Give him the rope...either he will use it to save the relationship or he will use it to hang himself (cheat again). You need to see what kind of person he really is...straying once and feeling so badly that he never does it again...or straying once and feeling invincible enough to repeat.

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I agree with Crazyaboutdogs.

 

If he wants to cheat, he's going to cheat. It's not the situations, the alcohol, etc. There are no excuses.

 

He needs to have self control. He needs to feel the regret and know the mistake he made and has to decide if he can go out and behave appropriately. It's his choice to go out and behave a certain way.

 

If he thinks he can go out and be fine,then let him try and rebuild that trust up for you.

 

What is making him stay home with you going to prove? Trust isn't built this way. Trust is built through actions and words and proving themself with time that they can be trusted in situations, he can't prove that to you by locking himself inside.

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Its obvious he has no self control in these situations where he drinks and goes out with guys. Its fine for guys to go out and enjoy themselves but not if they want to act single whilst their out which is what hes doing.

 

How long have you been together?

 

 

We have been together 6 months very short time for this to have happened.....I do believe this a one time mistake. He honestly is a pretty honest guy, he never has cheated on anyone before.

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We have been together 6 months very short time for this to have happened.....I do believe this a one time mistake. He honestly is a pretty honest guy, he never has cheated on anyone before.

 

What made him cheat in the first place? Did you discuss that with him?

 

It seems that often times cheating occurs because there's a level of unsatisfcation in their current relationship that they find in someone else. Why did he just randomly kiss this girl?

 

I think working through the issue of WHY is also important so that you can focus and work on your relationship so that it doesn't happen again.

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I agree with Crazyaboutdogs.

 

If he wants to cheat, he's going to cheat. It's not the situations, the alcohol, etc. There are no excuses.

 

He needs to have self control. He needs to feel the regret and know the mistake he made and has to decide if he can go out and behave appropriately. It's his choice to go out and behave a certain way.

 

If he thinks he can go out and be fine,then let him try and rebuild that trust up for you.

 

What is making him stay home with you going to prove? Trust isn't built this way. Trust is built through actions and words and proving themself with time that they can be trusted in situations, he can't prove that to you by locking himself inside.

 

You know I agree with you guys, but my fear is a bit much...

 

I want him to go out tonight, and have a good time with friends. I sometimes tend to over worry. I told him it did make me nervous. And he pointed out the same thing you guys are. Which makes me think I am over reacting, but natural fear, I guess I have a lot of.

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What made him cheat in the first place? Did you discuss that with him?

 

It seems that often times cheating occurs because there's a level of unsatisfcation in their current relationship that they find in someone else. Why did he just randomly kiss this girl?

 

I think working through the issue of WHY is also important so that you can focus and work on your relationship so that it doesn't happen again.

 

The day I found out, him and I did have a talk...He was extremely drunk, kissed her, and just stopped. He says he didnt proceed further. He told me there was nothing wrong in our relationship. He and I have talked on the phone through email, and in person about this.

 

I know people cheat for a reason, and some just cheat because that is how they are. I feel like this was a one time drunken mistake.

 

I am not perfect by any means, I kissed another guy when I was with my high school sweetheart. Him and I were able to work past it, but we ended up breaking up a few years later, just went in two different directions. I have been in his shoes before.

 

My boyfriend is one of those guys that would give the shirt off his back to someone if needed. He trys to help his family and friends out as much as possible. He hasnt lied to me, nor has he done anything else.

 

He does feel bad for his actions, and regrets what he did.

 

Honestly sometimes things happen, this was one of those. I know it. But I still have fears, only human.

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I was saying the going out and getting drunk with guys is fine, im not excusing him, just saying that instead of being a guy going out WITH a girlfriend hes acting like he doesnt have one. And he needs to stop it.

 

I see what you are saying. But even in a relationship I still think you can go out and have a good time, and act approriately. He has gone out a few times over our 6 months of dating and one time he screws up....

 

I dont think he acts like a single guy when he goes out...

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While he's out keep yourself busy doing stuff that doesn't allow you to think about that kiss - watch a movie/tv, read a book, go out with friends. If you do start thinking about it and worrying - stop and remind yourself that you've talked to him about your worries, that he's an honest guy and that you can trust him.

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While he's out keep yourself busy doing stuff that doesn't allow you to think about that kiss - watch a movie/tv, read a book, go out with friends. If you do start thinking about it and worrying - stop and remind yourself that you've talked to him about your worries, that he's an honest guy and that you can trust him.

 

That's what helps me. And yeah, that might all seem crazy or naive - but if you're going to rebuild that trust you have to work through the doubts and thoughts and forgive.

 

I am at the point where i want to move past this, but my fears are a bit overwhelming at times. I cant say I have forgiven him yet, but I want to be there. I guess I am in the process. I want us to be able to be where we were.

 

Thank you and everyone for the replies...

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I am at the point where i want to move past this, but my fears are a bit overwhelming at times. I cant say I have forgiven him yet, but I want to be there. I guess I am in the process. I want us to be able to be where we were.

 

Thank you and everyone for the replies...

 

 

It does take awhile to get to the forgiveness....but it will happen.

 

It sounds like he's a great guy that made a one time drunken mistake and he was honest and told you about it.

 

I know how strong the fears can get but don't let them take over your thinking. Push them out of your head with positive thoughts or other activities.

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Like i mentioned to another person

 

sadly, after major trust has been broken it very very rarely will come back to its original state.

 

It may come back to where she trusts you again but it will be a bit different.

 

Depending on what it all was it may never again be FULL trust there will always be that little hmmm ok sure whatever you say going on inside her head.

 

Remember... Hell hath no furry like a woman scorned

 

I myself, would always have that seed of doubt because she would have planted it there.

 

I am a trusting person till you mess up. I may learn to trust you again but never to the same level as I once did.

 

Trust is IMO opinion the biggest thing in a realtionship because you look at this other person as being your everything like an extention of your self and if you can't trust yourself (the other person) the you got nothing

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You just have to learn to trust them again, otherwise you are wasting your time. And even if you can forgive and learn to trust again....you may be still wasting your time.

 

My ex cheated on me and I forgave. I never ever placed restrictions upon him, he still had the freedom to come and go as he pleased, which he did....and he ended up hanging himself again....yup he cheated.

 

Obviously some do learn from the first mistake and they don't repeat it....but there are a lot like my ex H, who do go on to repeat. And we can't predict who will remain faithful and who won't. Placing your trust in them again, is a risk you take with someone who has cheated on you!

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someone who has cheated will never earn trust from me again.

 

I don't think anybody knows what they do, until they find themselves in this situation...

 

I always said I'd leave a cheater too. Sometimes it aint that easy and especially if you are married, kids and no place to go...

 

Unmarried though, I wouldn't give a second chance to a cheater....NO WAY!

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