samantha20 Posted January 16, 2009 Share Posted January 16, 2009 Last year my lesbian lover dumped me for a man after we'd been together three years. It destroyed me completely and I can't even describe what I went through. I lost the will to live without her and I was such a mess. Then six months later, she begged for me back and broke up with her bf to get back with me. It took a lot of convincing for me to take her back and she swore that she would never hurt me again. Then a couple of months later she dumped me again for the same guy. I went through all that heartbreak again and it was awful. I didn't talk to her for months. I feel pretty over her now but I still miss our friendship. And the thing is, I feel like if I could now be friends with her on some level it would help me move on. The not talking and the bitterness between us kind of gives me a feeling of anxiety when I think about her, and I think that if we could leave things on good terms I would feel better about it somehow and would be able to be at peace with the situation and move on. I guess we'll never be close again, but I'd like to be able to have a chat with her on msn now and again and see what she's been up to, like I do with another ex. I know that sounds odd that I want to be friends after all the pain she's put me through, but I really think that the bitterness and not talking holds me back from moving on. The thing is, she won't talk to me. She ignores me if I talk to her on msn and facebook. Why is she ignoring me when I never did anything wrong? It's her that put me through hell, and if I can find it in me to talk to her, then what the hell is her problem?? I think she knows that her ignoring me is getting to me and it's so immature of her. It makes me so sad because I was the best friend she ever had and was so good to her. I never deserved any of this. Link to comment
penelope13 Posted January 17, 2009 Share Posted January 17, 2009 Maybe she is ashamed of her actions and doesn't want to be reminded of it? It's never easy to admit to someone that you have wronged them. Probably she is also afraid what you will say to her. Link to comment
samantha20 Posted January 17, 2009 Author Share Posted January 17, 2009 Maybe she is ashamed of her actions and doesn't want to be reminded of it? It's never easy to admit to someone that you have wronged them. Probably she is also afraid what you will say to her. we did talk a little bit after we broke up and I didn't act angry or anything, just kept it light. Now she has suddenly started ignoring me out of nowhere.. Link to comment
penelope13 Posted January 17, 2009 Share Posted January 17, 2009 did you explain to her why you want to stay in touch. have you talk about her double betrayal? Link to comment
samantha20 Posted January 17, 2009 Author Share Posted January 17, 2009 I want to explain but she won't even answer me when I talk to her. I mean how can she be so cruel? It's like she thinks up new ways to hurt me. What should I do? Link to comment
penelope13 Posted January 17, 2009 Share Posted January 17, 2009 honestly. i think the best for you is to let her go. she doesn't deserve your friendship anyway. and i am pretty sure that she is aware of it. as i said, i assume that she is really ashamed of her behavior and is not able to look straight in your eyes, nor have an honest conversation with you without feeling guilty. it really takes a great person to own up to their mistakes. and her behavior has not been an indication (from what you said) that she is such a great person. i am sorry that you are hurting so much. i can understand that you have unresolved issues. maybe you could spell it out here what exactly you would like to tell her and what you would like to hear from her in order for you to feel that you can move on. writing it down and seeing it for yourself in black and white might help you to let the associated emotions go. otherwise you might get some more help from the people here. hugs to you Link to comment
samantha20 Posted January 17, 2009 Author Share Posted January 17, 2009 I just want to say to her that she ruined my life, and hurt me so much that I don't think it'll ever fully stop hurting. But I can't hate someone that I loved so much, no matter what they've done. That I can't forgive her, mainly because she clearly isn't even sorry, but that I miss her, and would still like to chat to her now and again to hear how she is doing. I want her to still tell me what is going on in her life because I will always care and want her to be happy. And I want her to know that she can always rely on me, even though I obviously can't ever rely on her. More than anything I want her to tell me that she is sorry and is ashamed of how she treated me, but she doesn't seem to be sorry or give a damn. I'd also like to know that she misses me and still thinks of me considering we were so close. I just don't understand the ignoring.. I've tried saying 'why are you ignoring me, I haven't done anything wrong.' and she ignored me. Link to comment
penelope13 Posted January 17, 2009 Share Posted January 17, 2009 i understand that you miss the friend that you thought you had and that you now lost. but just read again what you wrote: you are offering that she can rely on you, even though you are aware that you cannot rely on her. why would you do something like that? in the name of love? - there is a very essential thing missing here: your love for yourself! loving someone doesn't mean that you have to put your needs so much above your own that you are hurting yourself in the process. i am sure she is sorry and ashamed, but clearly she is not strong enough to admit that to you. you say yourself that you cannot forgive her. how do you envision in this scenario how a friendship would work? she tells you all about her happy or miserable love life while you feel you cannot share anything intimate with her, because you can't rely on her nor trust her? take time to morn the loss of a friend, but then try to move on and share your friendship with someone who hasn't betrayed you multiple times. Link to comment
Vulcan800 Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 Hey Samantha Just read your post. UGH, I know what you are going through. My ex has completely shut me out of her life as well. She broke up with me did horrible nasty things to herself and me. I was carring loving and never did anything to deserve the treatment I got from her nonetheless she ignores me??? LOL doesn't make much sense does it? These people do YOU wrong yet they wont give you the time of day I find that mind boggeling. ](*,) Well here is what I think the reasons may be for people like this. 1.) some sort of mental dysfunction IE my ex is depressed has major emotional issues. 2.) They can't face you due to the fact they know they were terrible and did you wrong and they can't face you. 3.) They just don't give a dam n or care 4.) They feel like YOU did THEM wrong somehow 5.) Due to some sort of issue like with #1 they feel like they don't deserve you or are punishing themselves for it. Like they feel they are not good enough for you. That is a huge issue that will lead to nothng but problems) 6.) Due to whatever reason be it their upbringing their personal values or morals they just don't hold friendship/ realtionships to the same level you do. Perhaps they don't think nothing of it to have people come and go in their lives and can say goodbye without a tear in their eye. How old are you guys? Sometimes age plays a huge factor, younger people tend to be like eh whatever C ya wouldn't want to be ya attitude. Whatever the reason is there isnothing you can really do about it. If you persisit on trying to maintain a friendship more than likely it will push her further away as she will become "anoyed" at you. Oh god forbid ya know? that you should ANOY her lol If you leave her alone you suffer because that is not what you would like. So you will have to find some sort of peace for yourself with this and it is hard I know to accept things or deal with things that just do not make any logical sense whatsoever I myself struggle with that everyday. I have looked for answers, reasons all of that and it has left me with more questions then answers. In the long run for your own sanity it isn't worth it. Best you can hope for is that with time she realizes she was an idiot and comes back to you and says hey ya know what I was an idoit I am sorry and then you can try to have a friendship. If she doesn't come back. well, what does that tell you about her character as a person?? People are funny thats why I like animals. You give them some food and a pet here and there throw them a ball once in a while and they will love you for the rest of your life and never leave Good luck Link to comment
dogwood Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 sam, it's funny, i am in pretty much the exact same boat as you. well, similar. when my ex and i broke up she had cheated on me and it was terribly messy. we kept in light contact for a few months just on msn, even though she was behaving weird and distant and obviously was still wracked with guilt. recently we reconnected for the first time and there were a million and one sparks and we kissed.. but recently she has blocked me on msn, and continued to behave all over the place. (well she also has a gf but thats another story..) i understand how much you want to have that person back in your life even when they've hurt you, trust me i feel the same way. i guess what im illustrating with my story is that no matter how they feel towards you, even if they still have fond feelings towards you, the guilt of hurting someone you loved can be an immense weight. i don't know about your ex but i know mine is cowardly in many ways - in the fact that she cannot fully own up to the wrong she has done and chooses avoidance or erratic behavior over facing it. seems your ex is doing the same. so i would not take offense to this; it is a sign of weak character. she may come around sometime, but pleading for her to talk with you when she repeatedly ignores you only puts her in the power position. i know you want her to apologize and respect you, care for you like she did, (trust me i feel the same way) but she only will if she means it, if she has the guts to really face you again. you can't force it out of someone. so i would suggest take the high road and let her be, she may come around at some point, she may not. but this is only going to torture you. i have recently pondered sending an angry letter to my ex, telling her how i feel about the sh*t she's put me through - but whether i do or not i am leaving the ball in her court. i suggest you do the same. best of luck dogwood Link to comment
Rabican Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 Best to just try and forget her. Out of sight out of mind. Could be anything, maybe she feels she cant heal and move on if she still sees/ talks to you. Maybe her man is not comfortable with you two having a friendship. Maybe she just has no desire to talk to you. Maybe she has moved on and doesnt care one way or another. Id suggest moving on and ignoring/forgetting her. If you truly cant, or wont... then send her one email, or leave her one voicemail saying what you said here. That you would like to be friends, or at least be civil. That you miss her, but are not looking to get back together. If she contacts you after that, then go from there. If she does not, then you NEED to forget her. Link to comment
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