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"Friends," but not really. I am interested in more, but am confused.


AlfieKohn

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So I met this woman who's my age (26) in school last quarter, and she is a bit shy, so I started being extra nice to her because I used to be shy and I wanted to make her feel welcomed. After a while, she started to open up and be more receptive and initiate conversation/instant messages with me, and as I learned more about her, I found she is a wonderful, bright girl...needless to say, I started to develop feelings for her, and midway through last quarter, began asking her to get lunch/coffee, etc, and she'd always say she was busy, but it would seem sincere. She got me interested in one of her favorite activities, which we now do in a group on a weekly basis. I began to forget about the romantic angle, as she had told me how she was going to see a long-distance guy she hadn't in in a couple years over Xmas break. She was unsure of what would happen, but I knew she had to go, and I didn't wanna complicate things before she figured that stuff out.

 

Anyway, I kinda cooled it with her for a bit, and then before Thanksgiving Break, she asked me out for a late dinner. We went, had a good time, and started talking on a regular basis again. The week before finals, we were chatting online, and she was being kinda flirty, and mentioned she was in the mood for hot chocolate but had to study. I was on my way out, and thought it'd be a nice gesture to bring her some, which I did. She thought it was the sweetest thing ever, and the good feelings continued right up to my taking her to the airport when she left for Xmas break. It just felt different. Her flight was delayed and we sat down to drink tea and she prompted me to sit next to her, and then i pulled out a crossword puzzle and we sat there "scooched" in next to each other, doing it together until her plane arrived.

 

Fast forward: I didn't contact her over break, and the day before she got back, she emailed me and told me she had plenty to tell me. She initiated contact when she got back, and we had dinner, and the whole thing felt like a date. She was dressed nice, wearing perfume, flipping her hair, holding my eye contact, laughing at all my jokes. It felt very romantic. During dinner, I told her about a girl i had been seeing casually but had broken it off with because it's "Not what I want." We split dessert, and she didn't even bring up her visiting the long-distance guy until I did. I found out she was basically over it, but that being there made her miss another ex-b/f of hers, which threw me for a loop, since I was *this* close to making a move. She also said "I know I'm not gonna end up with the ex-b/f either, because he is long distance. I will find someone better here, someone who makes me feel good about myself and feel loved." To this, I told her, "I think you're wonderful, and any guy who wouldn't go out of his way to make you feel wonderful every day is a fool." She thanked me, and said "I have no doubt you are the type of guy who makes a girl feel that way, and when you find what you want, it will be wonderful, and special, and it will last." The whole conversation had a weird vibe to it. I made the comment a "friend" would make, and she seemed to respond in kind. What else could she have said? I made a mistake there.

 

Anyway, two nights later, she agreed to forego the weekly activity we usually go so she could get some studying done and come out with me to a concert the next night.

 

Again I thought I had a golden opportunity, but when I picked her up for the concert, she was tired, and it put a damper on the whole evening, and I decided not to push it. Anyway, I asked her again to hang out this weekend, but she said, very apologetically, she was busy with being behind in schoolwork. I figured maybe she was trying to give me a hint, but then today, she emailed me with a link to this band I introduced her to, telling me of an upcoming concert, but not explicitly asking me to go (though that was the intent, I assume). I feel like I know this girl well enough to know she's sweet and not using me for attention, but who knows at this point? She acts interested, but stops short of making the physical contact with me that would really clue me in.

 

I cannot read this girl. Sometimes it really feels like she is interested, and sometimes I feel we are just friends, but I am worried if I bring it up, she will get weirded out. When I ask her to hang out and she says she is busy, I truly know she is, but I'm not sure if I should just keep doing what I'm doing and see how things develop, tell her I have feelings for her, or what. If she isn't interested, why wouldn't she have made it clear to me at this point? It's been a while now, and she must have some idea of my feelings.

 

Any advice?

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Thats a tough one.

 

I think that it is possible that she has some feelings for you. She knows that you are a good guy but she does not want to mess things up. Perhaps she is telling you of these other guys to make you a bit jealous?

 

I have had lady friends that would talk of other guys all the time and then once I got into a relationship, they would express their feelings for me. Go FIGURE! lol.

 

I think that you should play it cool with her like you have been for a little longer. Wait until she agrees to a late dinner date with you and then make your move.

 

I think she is putting off your invitations because she has some feelings for you and is afraid that you might not share those same feelings.

 

UGH! I don't know! lol. I am as confused as you are ha ha.

 

Just play it cool and make your move the first time she agrees to an outing with you.

 

Good luck!

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Friend....she had perfume on ..she was flirting with you..you shared one desert....

You may have missed the boat here..Strike while the iron is hot!! I am betting that she wanted you to give her a gentle kiss that night..I have never split desert with a guy friend..when a woman gets like that she wants you..however if you dont respond then she is probably backing off a little because she wants to keep a bit of self respect as well. Go to a flower shop..buy her a little flower.Go and see her.Give it over and if she smiles widely then you still have a chance.If she gets defenensive retreat with dignity..

Its like waiting for the bus..it comes..you look at it ..it goes and you watch it go down the road..Then you think..oh...I missed the bus..

Now if you want to get on it run!!!! Run dammit while you still may have a chance.

 

Surprise her!! Maybe next time you see her accidentally place your hand on hers...dont waste time..you have to get in there..

 

As a single man many years ago it was most frustrating when I missed an obvious opportunity//

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I think she is putting off your invitations because she has some feelings for you and is afraid that you might not share those same feelings.

 

I agree with this. You're both playing a dance with each other - coming close and then pulling back.

 

She also said "I know I'm not gonna end up with the ex-b/f either, because he is long distance. I will find someone better here, someone who makes me feel good about myself and feel loved."

 

This was her way of telling you she's interested in you. You missed your opportunity here. You need to somehow make it clear that you're interested in her as more than a friend. You can ask her out for a date and make it clear it's a date. Or you can initiate some sort of physical affection, such as putting your arm around her or holding her hand, that would indicate you have romantic feelings for her. If you're feeling really bold, you can kiss her, but I think it might be best to test the waters in less forward ways first. Basically, the ball is in your court.

 

Unless my female intuition is way off, she won't decline your advances.

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Thanks for your reply. It was helpful. Here are the only things that make me wonder if she is really interested: When we went to dinner, she paid her half. In the car, after I made the comment about her being wonderful and deserving better, I backed off, not wanting to sound like I was criticizing her ex. I said, "I'm sorry, I don't know why I even brought this up." She replied, "You're a good friend who wants me to know I'm special."

 

She used the word "friend." To me, that's always been a bad signal.

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Usually yes, but I don't think so in this case. You're both just skirting around things by pretending to be just "friends". Again, I could be totally wrong, so it's best to test the waters. You can continue to be friends and always wonder or you can let her know you're interested. It's up to you. Yes, it's a risk you take to show her you're interested. But if you let this go on any longer, you run the risk that she'll end up with someone else.

 

Oh, welcome to ENA!

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Well, there's "testing" the waters, and then there's coming out and saying it. She agreed to come to dinner next Friday with my parents, who are visiting from out of town, and another pair of friends of ours (who are a couple). Ideally, I want to show up at her place tonight with two gelatos, and say, "I know you're busy but I thought you could use a study break." But of course, I don't wanna smother this girl. This is a very fine line I am walking.

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Well, last night, I was supposed to see her at a potluck, but couldn't end up going because I had to finish preparing for an important meeting that occurred this morning. She had sent me a message right before the potluck asking me if I had any cups I could bring for the wine she had made. I told her I didn't, and would call her later. Instead, I decided to be cute, so later that evening, I showed up at her apartment with plastic cups and said "You needed cups, right?" Confused, she said, "Yes, but the potluck's over." I said I felt "stupid for misunderstanding," and then pulled out two cups of gelato (the real reason I went over there) and she was seemingly surprised (she just laughed), but I couldn't tell if she thought it was sweet, or creepy, or whatever. So we sat there, eating gelato, talking about my meeting the next day, etc. She was holding my eye contact and we were getting along, but she wasn't really overtly flirting with me... she was in her pajamas and i was on my way out to meet some friends, so I had to go after about 30 mins, and I know I should've done SOMETHING (kissed her on the cheek when I left, etc), but I just couldn't tell if she was happy I was there, or annoyed, or what. I decided that I would just leave and not push anything that night, and leave her to think about the gesture.

 

Anyway, my parents are coming to visit this Friday and two of my other friends (a couple) are coming out with us. I also invited this girl, and she said she'd love to come along, but I don't know if that means anything.

 

Grr. I just wish this girl would do something to show me she cares...even leaving me a message to ask how my meeting went this morning would be helpful, but she hasn't done that, which further makes me wonder if the whole "bringing her dessert" thing creeped her out and did more harm than good.

 

So, I'm at the point where I can't ask her on a proper date this week because she is ALREADY coming out with my parents, and things are no clearer than when they started.

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She was sitting there next to you in her PJs, holding eye contact and laughing? Sounds like she wasn't creeped out at all. It sounds like she's waiting for you to make a move! She was probably confused because you missed the potluck and she wasn't quite sure of your intentions. You're in a stalemate. She's not going to show more interest until you take more initiative in showing you like her as more than a friend. I think you missed another opportunity.

 

There's no reason why you can't ask her out on a date now, because a date involves one-on-one activity. It's separate from whatever group social plans you have. The more opportunities you miss to show her you're interested, the more likely it is that she'll lose whatever interest she may have in you. You're going to need to focus more on taking the risk to show your interest than on your fear that she might reject you. Good luck!

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Well I sat down at her table and she took a seat on the couch, not next to me. Had she sat down next to me, I could've maybe touched her a bit, but she didn't. This is why this is so frustrating. I figured even if she were creeped out, or uncomfortable, what is she gonna do? Tell me to leave?

 

I guess the issue is that I don;t wanna keep asking her to hang out so as to start seeming annoying/pushy. Remember, I asked her to hang out this weekend and she said she was too busy to do anything.

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She sat down on the couch so you would sit next to her. Without knowing either of you, this is what I sense is going on. I could be wrong. As I said before, I think she is waiting for you to be clear about your interest. She is going to say she is busy until you make it clear you'd like to ask her out on a date or until you make a physical move.

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Okay, you're right. I just don't understand what could be clearer than going out of my way to bring her dessert late at night. Remember, we've already been out to dinner and out to a concert. When I asked to take her on a hike this weekend, she said she was too busy. Do I have to come out and say "Do you want to go on a date with me?" That sounds so middle school.

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I am the atypical one here, but I don't view her as wanting more. To me, you are coming off as needy. Be the prize. IF she wants you, she will pursue you.

 

I wouldn't do the "do you want to go on a date" with me thing. You're right, that is middle school. If she likes you, she WILL make time for you. The next opportunity you get and are sitting by her/standing by her, CONFIDENTLY put your arm around her, even if just for a second (even in a playful way). Read her signals and kino escalate from there.

 

If she keeps saying she is busy, she really isn't interested. Period. Don't view that as a sign of playing "hard to get." If a girl likes you, she will make time for you. The busiest person on the planet can make an hour a week for someone.

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In your mind it's obvious that you're interested in her as more than a friend. But she can't read your mind and so she's waiting for a very obvious signal. Just because you brought her the dessert late at night is not an obvious enough signal. You didn't follow up that action with behavior that would indicate you liked her as more than a friend.

 

If you want to go on a date with her, yes, you will need to clearly ask her out on a date. It's actually a very mature thing to do.

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I have to disagree with Brian. I know for myself and other women (older and younger), if we like a guy and don't want to get friendzoned, we will not make time for him one-on-one if we think he only likes us a friend.

 

I think Brian's suggestion of putting your arm around her is good, if you don't want to come right out and ask her on a date. I had suggested that earlier.

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Well, you're right. I have to do this and do it soon. There is one more issue I haven't mentioned. There's this other guy in our class (call him J.) who is close friends with the girl I like (A.'s) best friend (L.), and by default is friends with the girl I like (A.). Lately, I see this guy and A. talking a lot, and I overhear J. and L. mentioning A., and he mentions texting her or calling her, and it kind of bugs me, because I feel like there might be something going on between the two of them (J. and A.). I'd be VERY embarrassed if I tried to advance things with A. and she turned me down for J. I have to see J. on a daily basis, and he's in my laboratory group, and I personally think he's a jerk, but of course I've kept my opinion to myself.

 

This is another reason i haven't said anything to A. about my feelings for her If she rejected me, and then went for a guy like J., it would definitely be the talk of our small medical school class, and I am not sure I want to be involved in that dynamic.

 

I know all of this stuff sounds childish, but I feel like I cant compete with J. He's much closer friends with A.'s best friend than I am, and I feel I am on the outside of some social threesome, looking in.

 

At the same time, A. is my friend, so is it wrong to ask her if anything is going on between her and J., or would that seem suspicious?

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The situation is a bit tricky. This added element makes it more risky to show her you're attracted. It's very possible she's interested in both of you. I still think the risk is worth it for you to show your interest. Ultimately, it's your decision.

 

I don't think it's a good idea to come right out and ask her about the other guy. But maybe there's some way to subtly find out if she's interested in him. What's hard is that you don't want to bring him up and then have her talk to you about him as if you're just friends.

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I don't see the confusion, hon. She doesn't sound interested to me at all.

 

She has mentioned two other long-distance BFs, has told you some girl would be lucky to have you, etc.

 

What part of that is confusing? She clearly enjoys you and considers you a good friend, but I don't see how she has shown even remote romantic interest.

 

And unlike Stella, I have MANY guy friends that are solidly in the ZONE, and I spend a lot of one on one time with them.

 

 

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And therein lies the problem. When we have gone out, she just acts differently than my other female friends. It's like there's an altogether different vibe. And she has only brought up these guys when *I* have asked about them. She went to Europe over Xmas break to see the one she hadn't seen in two years, and the day before she got back, she emailed me saying she had "plenty to tell me," and then when we went to dinner the next night, she didn't even bring him up until I asked her, about 45 minutes into dinner, and even THEN, I had to coax it out of her...all she said was "I'm glad I went!" A female friend would share the details, be chatty and open with me about this important thing in her life, and all she did was keep it secretive. If she was my buddy, wouldn't it make sense to bring up something so important, and be open about it??? We aren't buddy-buddy, at all, but she spends one-on-one time with me, and I always get a vibe that there's something there. If she is just my friend, she's not a very good one, because she doesn't initiate friend-like hang-outs, doesn't really call me, etc, but she does contact me every few days to ask about things, to make sure I'm aware of bands I like playng local concerts, etc.

 

My parents are coming into town tomorrow night and they, my two other friends (who are a couple), and I were gonna have dinner, and I asked this girl to come along. She said, "I'd love to come." She had to have thought that maybe it could be construed as a date, *and* that maybe the four of us (exclusing my parents) might go out afterwards. So if you're right...if she *is* just my friend, and isn't interested at all, then she's using me for attention, and I should drop her.

 

That's my view.

 

She told me "some girl would be lucky to have me," AFTER I told her, "any guy she's with should be lucky to have HER!" What else was she supposed to say, after I made that comment?? I'f I'm not putting myself out there, why should she? The comment *I* made was one a "disinterested guy friend" would make (my mistake), and of course, I'm interested in her!

 

Do you see how there's no rhyme or reason to this?

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I think it's a forest through the trees moment, Alfie.

 

You are reading into things because you are involved with this girl.

 

I'm just taking the facts, and not the inuendos that you are experiencing...

 

I still vote she considers you a friend.

 

Some girls, and OK, Ill be honest, I was like this when I was YOUNG, get off on knowing they have a puppy guy in their lives. The guy who is a friend, yet she knows he has a major crush on her, and she loves the attention fro the puppy guy. If she doesn't have a BF, then puppy guy is the stand-in companion, and she'll spend odd, seemingly intimate moments with the puppy guy, but it's never physical.

 

I think you have to consider that this is how she sees you.

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Some girls, and OK, Ill be honest, I was like this when I was YOUNG, get off on knowing they have a puppy guy in their lives. The guy who is a friend, yet she knows he has a major crush on her, and she loves the attention fro the puppy guy. If she doesn't have a BF, then puppy guy is the stand-in companion, and she'll spend odd, seemingly intimate moments with the puppy guy, but it's never physical.

 

I think you have to consider that this is how she sees you.

 

I am 27. She is 26. If she *is* doing this, it's incredibly immature of her. I don't need her, so maybe I should drop her.

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I am 27. She is 26. If she *is* doing this, it's incredibly immature of her. I don't need her, so maybe I should drop her.

 

I had my puppy guy from the time I was 18 - 30.

 

I suggest you pull back from this girl for a bit, Alfie. If you want to test her intentions and motives, then don't be so available, and don't make all the moves.

 

If she comes forward and pursues you a bit, then you'll have your answer. If she backs off, then there you go.

 

But, I'd also keep an eye on that other guy. Your gut may be right about him...

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Alfie!! You are in overdrive!! Slow your mind right down..I am trying to help you here.

This other guy is going to get her from within your fingers. The ice cream idea was great but I can tell you right now that if I were still single and was sharing an ice cream with a woman I had the hots for ...with eye contact as you described ..the icecream would be going down her throat with my tongue and her shirt/skirt may well be flying off as well.

 

Alfie get a grip man. To find out if she still wants you ..next time when you are close to her just throw your arm around her hip from one side and leave it there.If she jumps..you have your answer.If she looks at you in surprise and doesnt jump the dont muck around man ..move in for the kiss.Kiss her if she doesnt jump.. just do it!! Look her straight in the eye if she is responding and kiss that mama you are trying to seduce..its not rocket science..a woman and chicken really need physical contact to be eaten!! Common brother!! Test the waters before this other rooster moves on in and you miss your chance.At least you will know. After this who cares ..shell know you are red blooded even if she never talks to you again..

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