That good feeling...blown away.

[Seymore]

Here I was, doing well in the healing process, and now I'm back in this pit. She sent me an e-card saying she hopes I'm staying warm and asked if I would join her for coffee this weekend because she was undergoing some changes and wanted to share them with me. She also said that she understands if I'm not ready. I didn't respond.

 

All of those hurtful things that she said and did to me - over a year's worth. All the times she's said she'd change and didn't. Why the heck do I even feel the LEAST bit torn? I shouldn't give her the time of day after all she put me through.

 

I hate this feeling. I don't hate things often, but this feeling...I hate it.

[pushforward]

Here I was, doing well in the healing process, and now I'm back in this pit. She sent me an e-card saying she hopes I'm staying warm and asked if I would join her for coffee this weekend because she was undergoing some changes and wanted to share them with me. She also said that she understands if I'm not ready. I didn't respond.

 

All of those hurtful things that she said and did to me - over a year's worth. All the times she's said she'd change and didn't. Why the heck do I even feel the LEAST bit torn? I shouldn't give her the time of day after all she put me through.

 

I hate this feeling. I don't hate things often, but this feeling...I hate it.

 

Continue with NC. She's trying to hand out an olive branch and maybe to alleviate her guilt. It won't do you any good at this point. After all that has been said and done, you still hurt or you are not in control of your emotions, which is understandable. Do not set yourself back by meeting with her. Don't give her the satisfaction. Do what's best for you and not her.

 

Remember, if you stick with NC, you'll bounce back faster, but if you break, it will take more time because it will be a setback because you gave in. Keep strong. You don't need closure, you don't need to know about her. You need to heal.

[DN]

Because when you have loved someone it is rare for those feelings to just stop even if you have been mistreated. And there is always a tiny hope deep inside that you can have what you wanted - a good relationship with the person you loved.

 

That is the emotional reaction and it is entirely normal.

 

But that is why you have to be governed for now by your rational side. And that will tell you that meeting her would be a really bad idea.

[fiffy]

Hey I totally know those feelings, your doing ok.............then the contact gets you thinking.

 

I had an e-mail after christmas (I had been NC for 3 weeks) apologising for all the abuse sincerely, begging formy forgiveness and friendship.

 

I did not reply but after a week my head was so done in I responded with a call- how stupid. He was not sorry, he just attacked me called me a stalker, said I was harassing him etc etc the abuse flared up and he sent me a load of pictures of his new internet girlfriend. Crazy huh?

 

So in my experience even if it seems sincere do not respond until your totally over it and don't care what the outcome is. Protect yourself and your feelings.

 

In the mean time stay on here and get the feelings out- thats what I do.

 

I have had a really hard day, I have been so upset and even thought about contacting my ex but just writing to people on here helps me to deal with those feelings.

 

I hope your ok? xx

[yellow_sweater]

This is why the interwebs birthed the email filter.

 

I know it feels harsh... but I had to do it for a while. Anything that comes from her should filter directly into the trash bin.

 

I'm sorry.

[Seymore]

Thanks, everyone. I notice that the same couple of people have been here for me each and every time. I am truly, truly, truly thankful for you guys.

 

Whether she's sincere or not, guilty or not, she brought this on in the first place. Part of me wants to forgive (but not get back together with) her, because she has a problem, but the other part never wants to forgive her. I've lost 3 close family members in as many years and it doesn't compare to the pain I've dealt with the last 3 weeks. I almost wish I'd never met her at all, but the experiences and the things I've learned make it hard for me to truly wish that.

 

And the way she was so matter of fact in the card...like I was still her buddy or something. Smilies, all of that. I kept thinking: "What right do you have to send me a note and smile?". I feel kind of guilty for feeling that way...I don't like the feeling like I've got my nose in the air, but rationally, I think it's valid. I need to think logically and rationally, not emotionally, like DN said.

 

I've been bringing my drum machine with me to work because I've been making hip-hop music since the breakup, and that's helped me a lot. I get home and work on music, and before I know it, literally 5 hours have passed and it's 2am. I get so engrossed in it - I even put up a Youtube page for it and people I never even heard of (and one person whose skills I admire) have given me good reviews. That feels really good. After I got the card, I packed up the drum machine and drove out to the lake on my lunch break. I just let myself go working on my music. Normally I'd meet my parents for coffee after work, but tonight I'm just going to go home after work and just work on that for 12 hours straight. My neighbors have complained about the noise, so my post-breakup gift to myself was a fancy pair of studio headphones.

 

EDIT: DN, I swear it's like you know me, tiny hope and all. Just about every comment you have had for me has almost like it was my rational side talking. Hearing it from someone who knows how I feel just amplifies that voice. Thanks again.

[lostandhurt]

Seymore,

 

Your getting really good advice here. I have nothing to add but make it easy on yourself and if that means blocking her emails right now or forever then do it.

 

lost

[KG]

Stay with N/C...you come first. And heaven knows what "changes" she'll bounce off you....

[fiffy]

Hey seymore,

 

weirdly I too lost 3 family members in 3 years and I agree the pain of that did not compare to one day of the pain of this break-up. Sometimes I feel very guilty about that.

 

I read somewhere that relationship break-ups where you are hurting so much and struggle to get over are from relationships filled with problems and usually a person with a personality disorder. I have noticed you hinted there was some abuse in your relationship ( I might be wrong, just from reading past threads).

 

Do you think its possible your ex verbally and emotionally manipulated you and subtly put you down until your self esteem was non existant? If that was the case you could have ended up being an easy target for her to push around and get attention from. Once she knew she had control over you then games like sending you a fun little e-mail could actually be games. Like others have suggest- testing the water, or seeing how you respond?

 

I have read that dumpers sometimes need to know that you will still speak to them to ease their guilt. They want to know that you don't hate them that much! This is also a form of attention and adoration seeking if the person has narcissistic personality tendancies.

[Seymore]

Oh, I know what she'll say. She'll throw in something like someone cut her off in traffic and she didn't swear at them or something. Maybe that she's been nice to people for the last 3 weeks. Even if that last one were true, she's done that before and succeeded, only to fall apart when her nails aren't done right.

 

Man, the nails...I have to write that down so I remember...I haven't thought about that yet. I remember her asking me for money to get her nails done (she was downtown, I was at work). She asked if I could paypal it to her account. I did, and she got them done. They did a good job, from what I could see, but she said they were totally messed up and she's on the phone with ME b****ing, moaning, complaining like she just paid $100 for them or something. She paid nothing, yet I was getting an earful. I asked if she brought that concern to the salon, but she didn't. The rest of the day she was in a bad mood, snapping at me and having an attitude. If someone screwed up painting my CAR I wouldn't get nearly as upset, and I'd complain to the shop, not her. I certainly wouldn't be a jerk to her the rest of the day.

 

Her co-worker had the same nail tech and was happy with them. Then again, her co-worker was happy with everything she had in life, and it wasn't much.

[Maya_A]

Part of me wants to forgive (but not get back together with) her, because she has a problem, but the other part never wants to forgive her.

 

^^^

Maybe you will forgive her down the line... If it goes that way, just to note, that kind of forgiving is something that can take place completely within your own self, without involving her at all... In other words, she does not need to know by you, that you have forgiven her if that is so.

 

Continued healing to you....

[Seymore]

weirdly I too lost 3 family members in 3 years and I agree the pain of that did not compare to one day of the pain of this break-up. Sometimes I feel very guilty about that.

 

Wow...me too - it's like I'm thinking "This was your family - you should be a lot more hurt over someone you've known your whole life than someone you only spent 15 months with".

 

I read somewhere that relationship break-ups where you are hurting so much and struggle to get over are from relationships filled with problems and usually a person with a personality disorder. I have noticed you hinted there was some abuse in your relationship ( I might be wrong, just from reading past threads).

 

Do you think its possible your ex verbally and emotionally manipulated you and subtly put you down until your self esteem was non existant? If that was the case you could have ended up being an easy target for her to push around and get attention from. Once she knew she had control over you then games like sending you a fun little e-mail could actually be games. Like others have suggest- testing the water, or seeing how you respond?

 

I have read that dumpers sometimes need to know that you will still speak to them to ease their guilt. They want to know that you don't hate them that much! This is also a form of attention and adoration seeking if the person has narcissistic personality tendancies.

 

I never thought of it that way, and yes, she had those tendencies, was manipulative, etc. I know I left with SOME self-esteem because I cared enough for myself to walk away.

 

But that's interesting. Come to think of it, she seemed very focused on me forgiving her and not hating her and less so on fixing things. Maybe that IS the case?

[Seymore]

Part of me wants to forgive (but not get back together with) her, because she has a problem, but the other part never wants to forgive her.

 

^^^

Maybe you will forgive her down the line... If it goes that way, just to note, that kind of forgiving is something that can take place completely within your own self, without involving her at all... In other words, she does not need to know by you, that you have forgiven her if that is so.

 

Continued healing to you....

 

Thanks, Maya (Angelou?). I wasn't totally aware that forgiving someone doesn't have to mean letting them know that. I mean, I'm a religious person and all, so you think I'd know that.

[DN]

All you need to know about her is that she is self-absorbed. And by that I mean that she only has her best interests at heart and not yours.

 

She wants to get back together with you for her own sake and whether it is good for you to do that is not a consideration for her.

[Seymore]

That's true, DN. I forget that from time to time. If she cared about me, she'd leave me alone, like I'd asked plenty of times. She'd have realized during the relationship that she was hurting me and not just said "I keep hurting you and I don't want to", but gotten help. She would have let me go the way I let her go, out of wanting something better for both of us, not just hanging on because I benefit her.

[fiffy]

Seymore she sounds so high maintainance, just reading that post about her nails- I was exhausted. You must be totally in need of a holiday!

 

I would suggest you get a book called 'RED FLAGS'- how to know when your dating a loser, it is primarily aimed at women, although I believe all the information provided is just depicting personality types. I think if you could read something like that and identify all the ways in which she was manipulating and thereforee trying to hurt and control you, you will have a greater understanding of the sitution.

 

With that information and understanding use it to give you strength and think I am totally happy with my decision and she is no longer part of my life.

 

After a few months NC you won't even care if she e-mails, it will have absolutely NO effect, it won't even pop out when you go in your in box- you will just be liek 'whatever'!

[Seymore]

Thanks, fiffy. You're a gem. Maybe on the way home I'll head to the bookstore and check it out. What did you think of it?

[Maya_A]

Yep Seymore... Very observant - a Maya Angelou fan I am

[fiffy]

basically its not the best read of your life but it just helps to identify behaviour and when it isn't normal.

 

I didn't realise I was suffering the abuse I was until I wasn't healing after the break-up and I became deeply suicidal. The hosptials and doctors wouldn't take me in because even though I was attempting to hang myself daily I wasn't considered troubled enough to go into hospital.

 

In the end I thought I have to do whatever I can. I private therapist helped me to see the abuse then I bought about 50 books on evry subject of relationships and self development.

 

They help me each day, I just pick them up and see the reality of what has been going on, and I grow in some way. Just a little each day but it helps.

 

The reason I suggest this book is because it spans so many personality disorders, that you are bound to identify the problems your ex has, because she obviously has a lot of issues- make no mistake!

 

Just that little bit of knowledge will empower you. It will also mae you prepared for any little bit of contact you may have in the fututre. I think it might help you understand and then move on past it.

 

I am a very rational person and I hate confusion so these answers certainly helped me. Others may disagree and say its not healthy to try an attach labels to others. That is not what I am suggesting, just mearly trying to understand how a persn thinks and behaves so you can respond accordingly.

[Seymore]

Thank you, fiffy. Any improvement I see in my life due to this book will be thanks to your suggestion. I truly appreciate it.

[fiffy]

Hey seymore,

 

If you ever need any direction of anything specific book related I am reading every self help book at the moment so I am a bit of a source of knowledge. I am reading a lot on healing and personal growth so I will let you know if anything good comes up.

[Anusha]

Hey seymore,

 

If you ever need any direction of anything specific book related I am reading every self help book at the moment so I am a bit of a source of knowledge. I am reading a lot on healing and personal growth so I will let you know if anything good comes up.

 

Hi fiffy,you read how to break your addiction to a person? It was a very nice book,I would recomend it

[De Mon Fa De]

And the way she was so matter of fact in the card...like I was still her buddy or something. Smilies, all of that. I kept thinking: "What right do you have to send me a note and smile?".

 

I can't agree with you more. She sounds unbalanced, and you don't need or deserve anyone like that in your life. Let them get their mind sorted on their own time and find someone else to be their puppet.

 

Do you think its possible your ex verbally and emotionally manipulated you and subtly put you down until your self esteem was non existant? If that was the case you could have ended up being an easy target for her to push around and get attention from. Once she knew she had control over you then games like sending you a fun little e-mail could actually be games. Like others have suggest- testing the water, or seeing how you respond?

 

I have read that dumpers sometimes need to know that you will still speak to them to ease their guilt. They want to know that you don't hate them that much! This is also a form of attention and adoration seeking if the person has narcissistic personality tendancies.

 

This. All of this.

 

I watched a documentary just a few days ago about a pedophile that had gone unpunished. At a late age, 60 or 70 or so, he sent a letter to all the kids he molested (now adults) asking to "meet up" with them privately. The twinkle in his eye as he discussed it with the cameraman was a horrible sight.

 

This is a poisoned person; stay away from her. She can only have as much power over you as you allow her to have.

[Seymore]

I got home and checked my mailbox. There was a card from her with a picture of us in it. She said she knows she was wrong and she's working on her issues, and in the meantime, she thinks of me constantly and loves me more than I know.

 

During my drive home, I got to thinking - people had mentioned that she was controlling, but I didn't really give the control part much thought. So I thought a lot about it in retrospect...

 

She was abused as a child. She put her trust in her parents and they violated that. She had no control.

 

When she'd get her nails done, for example - she put her trust in the nail tech to do a perfect job. She had no control over the outcome. It turned out wrong every time, and she threw a fit.

 

When she had a job working with kids, her supervisor told her to do something, but my ex had the idea that something else needed to be done and the supervisor wasn't doing it, so my ex did that instead. Her supervisor chewed her out, and my ex threw a fit. Her supervisor said to stop acting like a child, so my ex walked off the job right there. She had no control.

 

Come to think of it, every way my ex wanted to make money was by staying at home and being her own boss. She didn't want others to tell her what to do. She needed that control.

 

When she would strip naked and tease me, I would try to make a move on her. She'd turn me down. She had all the control she'd wanted.

 

When we'd do something, and I wanted to do it my way, she'd let me know that my way was ridiculous and hers was the only way to go. She didn't want to give up the control.

 

When I wanted to go home after work, she'd insist on me going to her house, even though I'd spent 5 days in a row with her. I gave in. I gave her control.

 

When I wanted to have dinner with my parents more than twice in one week, she'd guilt-trip me or flat-out tell me that she wasn't about to be in a relationship with me and other people (my parents). I saw my parents for dinner less and less. I gave my ex the control.

 

If I ever stood up for myself, she lost that control temporarily, and that made her upset. She'd throw a fit to get me to back down, and I usually did. She fought for control.

 

Were I ever to suggest that she change her attitude or get help, she thought I was taking control of her. She'd get even angrier.

 

When she would be angry or sad for no reason, she had no control over herself and that made it worse.

 

After I broke it off, she sent me angry messages, sweet messages, messages saying she was in dire need, e-cards and cards. When I responded to one of her texts, she'd say things to get me to talk more. All of these messages were forms of attempts to control me, to manipulate me into responding - going so far as to call me over 100 times in an hour, just for a reaction. Angry or not, a response to her was putting the control in her hands again.

 

I thought about this, and threw the card out. I realized on the way home that I was the only source of control that she had in her life, and I believe THAT is what she wants back, not love. She wants someone to be there when she calls, as does everyone...not because she needs someone, but because she needs someone to jump when she says so.

 

It is for this reason (among others) that I cannot respond. It is for this reason that I can't be with her while she gets help, if she in fact is. I can't give her the leverage to control me again, and a single response will do that. I'm starting to understand it now.

[DN]

It's amazing how much insight you can get when you are outside the relationship.