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Moving In Together


lilsmiles
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Ok. So here's the background: I have been engaged to my fiance for almost 3 months now, we've been going out for over a year and a half and were friends before that. We're both in college (I'm a sophomore, he's a junior) and currently living on campus. We've already set a wedding date for next summer.

 

We are both catholic and quite religious and we are waiting with sex until marriage. We never really talked about it, but I guess we just assumed we wouldn't move in together until we got married either. However, things changed a few months ago when my best friend who I currently lived with and was planning on living with until I got married completely betrayed me. So I am now living with 3 strangers on campus (not the point - I'm stuck there till may with the lease) and I have no one to live with for this coming school year.

 

I started looking at studio or 1 bedroom apartments and realized that I can totally not afford them while I'm in college. My fiance also was going to live with a friend next year which also fell through and he is now planning on living alone but I don't see how he can afford that either.

 

So I suggested that we live together next year. It would save both of us money, and we would get to see each more often (seeing as I don't have much free time...I'm going pre-med) because we'd be living together. I kinda feel like if we each get our own apartments, we're going to stay over at each others so often that it will be pointless anyway. It would piss off both our parents (his more than mine). Mine seem to be relatively ok with it.

 

He completely freaked out though - he says he can't do it - he doesn't think we should. But he can't give me a reason because he says he wants to but he doesn't think we should. ARGH!!! So then I started looking at places again, and long story short, I can take over my brother's lease at a house for cheap but if I do that, I'll have to drive a ways to see my fiance if he gets an apartment downtown (which is the only place there are any).

 

Our options are...

1. I live in the house for cheap and not get to see my fiance very often

2. We live together and save money and get to see each other all the time

3. I get an apartment I can't afford and use all my savings and we get to see each a little more often.

 

So what do I do? What are your thoughts? And sorry it got so long...

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Maybe it's just me......but why would you NOT live together if you are engaged? And why would someone you're engaged to be freaked out about living with you.

 

How is he ready to get engaged, but not ready to live with you??

 

Sounds very strange to me.

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Statistically speaking people who live together before marriage have a higher failure rate for divorce...however...people who are in a committed relationship PRIOR to moving in together fare much better. I say if you are engaged I wouldn't hesitate under your circumstances. I know it throws conventions out the window but I believe you need to do what will be best for the two of you. Does your fiance have any reason not to besides family pressures?

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I think its just the family thing....plus the fact that we've both been raised to believe that you shouldn't move in together before you get married. We've both led very sheltered lives before college and so that all probably has something to do with it. It took me a little bit to get used to the idea that it might be ok to move in together, but the more I thought about it, the more it kind of seemed like a stupid idea not to. We'd save money, we'd see each more, we're already planning on getting married (and have a date set and deposits payed).

 

To tell the truth though, part of me is still saying that this is not an ok thing to do. Part of me still says we should wait till we get married. But life will just be so much easier if we do live together (Don't worry - I know that we will still have problems and adjustments but it will be easier).

 

Agh!! So how do I talk to him about this? He's super upset now and I don't want him to change his beliefs just because of me, that would be not good. I just want him to tell me why he won't.

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woops - just got your post hockeyboy.

 

I love him. I love him so much. I can't imagine spending the rest of my life without him. I also feel like I'm more mature than most people my age. I'm currently going pre-med and will hopefully be entering medical school in a year and a half. I'm not the typical 19 year old college student...I don't go out and party or sleep around. I have a plan for my life and I am working my butt off trying to make it through that plan. So I guess - ya - I feel more mature and older than I really am. I am ready to get married.

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woops - just got your post hockeyboy.

 

I love him. I love him so much. I can't imagine spending the rest of my life without him. I also feel like I'm more mature than most people my age. I'm currently going pre-med and will hopefully be entering medical school in a year and a half. I'm not the typical 19 year old college student...I don't go out and party or sleep around. I have a plan for my life and I am working my butt off trying to make it through that plan. So I guess - ya - I feel more mature and older than I really am. I am ready to get married.

 

Okay, you love him...but then he should still be around in a few more years, no? I just don't understand the rush.

 

And while I have no doubt that your mature...a lot of 19 year olds say the same things your saying...and things change (not a bad thing). I don't know, I just think it's best to wait...what's the rush.

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A lot of people don't understand and unless you know a lot about me and about him, its hard to understand us getting married this early. But that isn't what this thread is about. I have answered that question too many times and I just don't feel like trying to explain it all again. I just want to know what to do about this whole moving in together thing.

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My g/f and I are doing this... actually this weekend. I think if you're structurally sound in your relationship, it's a good test to see how patient, kind and loving you are towards your partner... because it's all about to come out of the bag when you live together. I mean, I'm not perfect, and my g/f and I have great.. and I mean GREAT communication, but this move is still going to be interesting...

 

I know what you mean though on your religious aspect... it's just because the parents will automatically think you're messing around, or that the chance to sleep with one another will always be easier since you're sleeping in the same room, or bed. It's up to your discretion I believe though... I don't consider myself to be a religious person (I do have my beliefs and so does she...but we're not part of organized religion otherwise) but my g/f and I are GOING to handle it... we're going to wait til marriage!

 

In the end, this is up for the both of you to decide... money and relationship-wise because you don't want to go into moving in together just *half*-for it... you better both be ready for the challenges that may ...errr will arise.

 

*edit* if you want me to let you know how it's going the first few months, I can be easy first hand evidence...stay in contact haha

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I am happy for you. You seem like you know what you want and know what you are doing. I think that parents just have to suck it up and respect your decisions once you start supporting yourself. Your life, your decisions to make. And from what little you've written seems like you are very capable of making the decisions that are right for YOU. I don't agree with parents who impose their own beliefs and values upon their children. We are each our own person, and we each live in a world that is DIFFERENT from what our parents lived in.

 

When it comes to him, if where he stanfs on this REALLY reflects his own values and perspective on things then you have to respect that and make your decision accordingly. If it really isn't and it is just the extreme pressure and resentment from his parents, you should try to make him realize this. That it is not a sin, or whatever he things of it because his parents impose it on him.

 

Good luck to you. I know it is not easy. The things parents do to us because they think it is the 'right' thing for us..

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Then that may be the reason he is reluctant. It would be fairly hard to live with someone you love and want sexually only to have to repress those desires every day and every night.

 

If that is the case I think he is being wise.

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I completely understand why you don't want to live with him. Engaged does not equal married. I totally understand this and would feel (do feel) the same way as you (although for different reasons; mine not being religious).

 

However - in your circumstances.. if those are really the only three options, I think it might be best to live with him until the wedding. I don't know when next summer is for you.. is that under a year?

 

However, if you are not comfortable with it, then don't do it.

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Everyone assumes if you live with someone you can't possibly NOT be sleeping with them.

This is false. You can easily live with someone and not have sex (you can get more than one bedroom if you feel more comfortable)

After all, you can have a roommate and not sleep with them.

 

One reason I never understood the logic of not living together (I am Catholic too BTW so Yes, I DO understand that POV) is that you don't have to live together to have sex with each other. You can have sex or not have sex anywhere, this isn't limited to the confines of your home.

Plus, if you ARE going to get married, shouldn't you see if you CAN live together ? I've personally always thought it was a good idea to see if you can indeed function as a couple on an everyday basis.

 

As far as your parents, you're legally an adult, so you can do whatever you want. You could always tell them that if you don't move in with him, they need to help you cover living expenses as you can't afford to live alone.

 

Don't do anything you don't feel comfortable with. If you want to wait, then wait. But it IS possible to live together and not have sex. There are lots of engaged couples who abstain from sex before their wedding, even though they live together, it is very possible. If you're not sexually active, sharing a few rooms isn't going to change your views or force you to do something you aren't ready for.

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Statistically speaking people who live together before marriage have a higher failure rate for divorce...however...people who are in a committed relationship PRIOR to moving in together fare much better. I say if you are engaged I wouldn't hesitate under your circumstances. I know it throws conventions out the window but I believe you need to do what will be best for the two of you. Does your fiance have any reason not to besides family pressures?

 

Not sure i understand this logic. You are saying people who live together first, before getting married have a higher chance of divorce. Then you say BUT they fare better if they were in a committed relationship before moving in.

 

Well you just described about 95% of the couples who move in...the almost ALL were in a committed relationship BEFORE moving in together. So if they eventually get married, how can on one hand you say they have a higher divorce rate but on the other say they will do better if they were committed before moving in?

 

Not sure I understand how the two scenarios are different. Most people who move in together are engaged, or at a minimum in exclusive and committed relationships. Those who are not are typically just roommates.

 

I also am wondering where you found the stats that divorce is higher for people who lived together first. I don't think that sounds accurate. I know many many couples who got married and never lived together and the shock of it all and finding out they are NOT compatible in living quarters led to divorce...whereas those who lived togehter first already know if they can tolerate the misses squeezing the toothpaste from the middle or the mr not putting toilet seat down. These are small issues, i know, but it is amazing what some people go into shock over when they get married and live with their partner for the first time.

 

But all that aside, to the OP, this is really a moot discussion to ask us what you should do, because he has already said NO, he won't cohabitiate. If he is against it, the decision has been made easier. He already said no.

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