lostsoulmate Posted January 16, 2009 Share Posted January 16, 2009 I have been with my fiance for 6 years. Our daughter is 4. We have been engaged for 2 years. I moved 14 hours away from my family and friends running away from the "Ex". He thought he got a girl pregnant (right before we met). I was even there when his daughter was born. We were young and I wanted him to get a test done. He wouldn't so I ran away. I couldn't love this child like my own only to find out she wasn't his (which she isn't, he only found out two years ago). So I left, he got with the baby's momma, they lived together for 6 months it didn't work out, but they were pregnant again. So now he has two children (the second one is his, he still claims his daughter and I don't blame him). I met my fiance 3 months after moving here and we hit it off. Four months later I found out I was pregnant (I remember telling my ex, we still stayed in touch occaisonally, he told me his heart was broken). I decided to keep the baby and stay with my now fiance. We own a home, live a quite life. My fiance and I have been through so very difficult times (not between us, but well, here it goes: Background: Over the past two years my fiance and I have had some rough times. Feb '07 his 61 year old mother (he is an only child. They had him very late in their lives) had back surgery. She was to come home in 5 days she didn't wake up for 5 days and she didn't get out of the hospital for 16 weeks. Then she was still very sick at home. I get a new job April '07. Two months go by and she is back in the hospital for open heart surgery July '07. She recovers and is doing well at home. Aug '07 I collapse at a race track north of where we live. I have to have surgery on my gall bladder, they say I am lucky to be alive. At the same time they tell me I am pregnant. YIKES! They do not want to wait to do surgery as my gall bladder is that bad. I say yes to the surgery, but ask about what it will do the the baby. They can not give me any answers because they usually don't do surgery during the 1st trimester. I end up terminating the pregnancy on Sept '07. My fiance and I weren't sure what to do about the complications that could/would happen from the surgery. We made a decision, I am OK with it. Things are as good as can be expected. We are making it through. So I thought. April '08 I go back home to see my little bro finally graduate from College. My crazy mother (More Background: My mother mentally and phyiscally abused me and my bro until I turned 14 and my father got custody of us. I have seen and been around things and people "normal" people only see on TV) came with meo n the 14 hour trip. She is abusing her meds and is passed out most of the time. It's better than her trying to get me to think I am crazy.Two weeks after the trip my mom calls me (she lives out on the east coast) and tells me she thinks I need to get home right now. Something bad in happpening to my daughter (I had just left for my once a week "Girls night out"). I told her to shut up and left it at that. She called the next day and told me my fiance has "hit" on her (she has only been to my house 5 times in 6 years.) For six months I don't speak to her. She accused my fiance of doing "something" to my daughter and that he made sexual advances toward her. My great aunts passes away fall of '08 I decide to try and talk to my mother, realizing that life it too short. Nov 10th 2008, I go to my soon-to-be in-laws house to drop off my daughter (my soon-to-be mother-in-law) is going to babysit for a few hours. I find her on the kitchen floor, barely breathing. I call 911. She doesn't make it. WORST DAY OF MY LIFE! I AM A DIFFERENT PERSON NOW. WATCHING SOMEONE FIGHT FOR LIFE HAS CHANGED ME ON A FUNDAMENTAL LEVEL! I try to carry on, for my fiance and his father, my daughter. I know this is not the right time to explain how much I want to move home and be closer to my family. I know it's not the right time to tell him, but going through his mother's passing only made me want my family more. Fast forward to now: I had to go home (my step-mother almost bled to death, my 83 year old grandpa is in the hospital (diabetes) and his wife, my grandma is being flown to a bigger town to have open heart surgery) over the New Year's holiday. I ended up at my ex's house. I stayed there and knew what I was doing was wrong. I still love him. I still think he is my twin flame. I let this lie I am living go on too long. Now I am a cheater! I am horrible. Why didn't I end it sooner? I looked for the right time to talk to my fiance. Then as I was driving back to my charade I realized there would never be a "right" time. I have talked with my fiance about not being happy (I have not nor will I tell him about meeting up with my ex). He told me he thinks we should just be happy where ever we are, I asked him to move. He said NO. I know that right now is not the right time to move to another state, with the economy so bad. How do I make it through this time with my fiance. I don't want to have sex with him. When he kisses my I feel almost like I am cheating on my ex with my fiance. I am screwed up! Link to comment
avman Posted January 16, 2009 Share Posted January 16, 2009 I think you need to decide which relationship you are pursuing. Is it with your fiance? Or your ex? It has to be one or the other. It cannot be both. Link to comment
hulk7280 Posted January 16, 2009 Share Posted January 16, 2009 wow thats hella shady.. you need to come clean.. thats not fair to him... he put 6 years into you and your relationship and you are living a lie with him Link to comment
LBP Posted January 16, 2009 Share Posted January 16, 2009 What does you ex think/say? Is he still married? Link to comment
george237 Posted January 16, 2009 Share Posted January 16, 2009 The only two options you have right now are. Tell your fiancee and leave him for the ex or tell your fiance and get counseling to see if you can repair your relationship. Link to comment
lostsoulmate Posted January 16, 2009 Author Share Posted January 16, 2009 What does you ex think/say? Is he still married? He was never married to her. He says he still loves me too, and you never know. We have established a N/C until I resolve my issue with "me". Link to comment
lostsoulmate Posted January 16, 2009 Author Share Posted January 16, 2009 wow thats hella shady.. you need to come clean.. thats not fair to him... he put 6 years into you and your relationship and you are living a lie with him What part is hella shady? The part where I realize I am trying to be what my fiance wants and that I am not "me". The part where I have raised my daughter with out him. He races so from April to October every Friday, Saturday and Sunday he is gone. Gone spending money, not making money. The part where I realize that maybe living the lie will be bad for my daughter. The part where I cheated because I have no support system here. The part where I realized it all and became and emotional wreck. Has any of this been fair to me? I have put 6 years into this relationship too. I have also lost 6 years of myself. Tell me which part is shady? Link to comment
BeStrongBeHappy Posted January 16, 2009 Share Posted January 16, 2009 >>and you never know... That is a promise of nothing. You could leave your fiance, and your ex may never leave his girlfriend. Or he may leave and stay with you a while, then go back to her because he feels guilty about the two kids, or decides he doesn't want to pay child support for a couple of kids. some people are more than willing to engage in an affair as long as it doesn't disrupt their family life. so you can't be sure that he ever intends to leave his family, and just took the free sex from you for variety. I think if he is not willing to leave his family RIGHT NOW for you, i don't think it will happen in future. In fact, he already made the decision once to choose her over you, and he may do it again. So you may be risking everything for nothing, especially if he is not willing to actually leave her for you now and is just mumbling non-promises like 'you never know'. Your first task is deciding whether you want to build a family with your fiance, adn whether you are willing to forsake the ex. and if you decide to leave your fiance, you have to prepare for the fact that it is not a choice between him and the ex, since the ex is offering no guarantees. you could leave your finance, and the ext never leave his own family so you leave for nothing. Link to comment
Hope75 Posted January 16, 2009 Share Posted January 16, 2009 What part is hella shady? The part where I realize I am trying to be what my fiance wants and that I am not "me". The part where I have raised my daughter with out him. He races so from April to October every Friday, Saturday and Sunday he is gone. Gone spending money, not making money. The part where I realize that maybe living the lie will be bad for my daughter. The part where I cheated because I have no support system here. The part where I realized it all and became and emotional wreck. Has any of this been fair to me? I have put 6 years into this relationship too. I have also lost 6 years of myself. Tell me which part is shady? It sounds like you are trying to make yourself sound like the victim here, and that you passively drifted into an affair. Before anything can be solved you will need to accept that when you went to your ex's house you made a choice, and continued to make a choice when you had sex with him, knowing you are engaged to someone else whom you have a family with and a long term relationship with. Do you honestly feel that you gave up yourself in this 6 year relationship and got nothing back? And if you were unhappy, why at some point during the 6 years you were 'sacrificing' your life why did you not take responsibility for yourself and your life and leave the relationship? Sorry, I think you had some choices here and are trying to make it sound like you did not. Link to comment
lostsoulmate Posted January 16, 2009 Author Share Posted January 16, 2009 He hasn't been with her for over two years. They live separate lives. I don't think I would go back to him right away anyway. I need to find "me" again. I left him, so of course he choose her. Their first (which again isn't his, but he has taken responsibility for her) was a one night stand. If I leave it is not for nothing. It is for me. I know selfish and wrong. Take more stabs if you want. After everything I have been through in my life I can take it. Link to comment
lostsoulmate Posted January 16, 2009 Author Share Posted January 16, 2009 It sounds like you are trying to make yourself sound like the victim here, and that you passively drifted into an affair. Before anything can be solved you will need to accept that when you went to your ex's house you made a choice, and continued to make a choice when you had sex with him, knowing you are engaged to someone else whom you have a family with and a long term relationship with. Do you honestly feel that you gave up yourself in this 6 year relationship and got nothing back? And if you were unhappy, why at some point during the 6 years you were 'sacrificing' your life why did you not take responsibility for yourself and your life and leave the relationship? Sorry, I think you had some choices here and are trying to make it sound like you did not. I did get something in the 6 years, my daughter. I didn't realize why I was unhappy until I cheated. I have a moral principals in my life, and I turned around several time but I ended up there anyway. I thought my unhappiness was because of the trauma and stress we were under during the last two years. It isn't. I am a victim of my own stupidity. Link to comment
george237 Posted January 16, 2009 Share Posted January 16, 2009 I did get something in the 6 years, my daughter. I didn't realize why I was unhappy until I cheated. I have a moral principals in my life, and I turned around several time but I ended up there anyway. I thought my unhappiness was because of the trauma and stress we were under during the last two years. It isn't. I am a victim of my own stupidity. Then I think you know you have to leave him. I would encourage you to not be a cowward and tell him the entire story, he deserves it. There is no point in making this man wonder why his fiancee left with his child for no apparent reason and didn't even try to fix it. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted January 16, 2009 Share Posted January 16, 2009 I see lots of issues here....why has there been a two year engagement but no marriage? Why are you making babies with someone with whom you are not married and it doesn't seem to be going anywhere except for a two year engagement. Why is your ex making babies with this woman when he has not committed to her? There just seems to be no plan here just relationships that muddle through making babies. First think is that you need to be honest with your fiance about cheating. Second, if you are not keen on your fiance then maybe it is time to strike out on your own for a while and not just go from one partner straight back to your ex. You are floundering and you need to get control over your own emotions and thoughts before bouncing into another relationship. Figure out what it is you want...you fled your ex and now have regrets...will you flee your fiance on a whim and have regrets later on? Link to comment
Hope75 Posted January 16, 2009 Share Posted January 16, 2009 I did get something in the 6 years, my daughter. I didn't realize why I was unhappy until I cheated. I have a moral principals in my life, and I turned around several time but I ended up there anyway. I thought my unhappiness was because of the trauma and stress we were under during the last two years. It isn't. I am a victim of my own stupidity. I find it difficult to believe that given you have been with your fiance for 6 years, accepted a proposal from him and created and had a child with him, you felt nothing for him. At some point I can only assume you cared for him and enjoyed his company, maybe even loved him. And.... I don't think that cheating with your ex has really made you happy, so perhaps the best thing for you (and your fiance) is to end things and give him a chance to meet someone who loves and appreciates him and understands what a commitment really means. Link to comment
BeStrongBeHappy Posted January 16, 2009 Share Posted January 16, 2009 Nobody is trying to stab you... just help you think this through so you don't make a rash decision. Lots of women leave a stable relationship for an affair partner, only to discover the affair doesn't hold up with day to day living, and the affair partner was a nice fantasy, but doesn't work in reality. You just have to prepare yourself for the fact that if you leave, it may not end up with this other ex, but by yourself in the end. and you fiance may fight for custody of your child in another state, and could possibly win it. So you might be alone, and lose custody of your child. Just make sure you work thru all those scenarios and are willing to take the consequences of everything that might happen if you break up your own family to chase your ex. Link to comment
hulk7280 Posted January 16, 2009 Share Posted January 16, 2009 What part is hella shady? The part where I realize I am trying to be what my fiance wants and that I am not "me". The part where I have raised my daughter with out him. He races so from April to October every Friday, Saturday and Sunday he is gone. Gone spending money, not making money. The part where I realize that maybe living the lie will be bad for my daughter. The part where I cheated because I have no support system here. The part where I realized it all and became and emotional wreck. Has any of this been fair to me? I have put 6 years into this relationship too. I have also lost 6 years of myself. Tell me which part is shady? im thinking the part where u stayed with ur ex and hooked up with for a week.. and ur scared to tell your fiance about it.. yeah id say thats pretty shady! Link to comment
lostsoulmate Posted January 16, 2009 Author Share Posted January 16, 2009 I take responsibility for trying to make a life with my fiance, trying to make a life for my daughter. I take responsibility for it failing. I am floundering, sinking, swimming, however you want to put it. Do I take my fiance with me? No, I need to be alone and figure it out myself. Another reason I want to be closer to my very loving family for support and help. My fiance is really in no emotional state to give me that. He is just as unhappy as I am, only he won't admit it to me. He has being at his ex's house 4 times since Dec 1st. He even called her to borrow a book for me. Weird. Even weirder, I didn't care. I am thankful for this site. Just being able to put in down, talk about it has helped me understand the maize my mind is in. Reading, writing, re-reading, posting it. Reading all you opinions, it does help my process of healing. Link to comment
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