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Complicated situation...


outpatient

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I think a lot of backstory is required to fully understand this situation. About 7 months ago, I started my first job ever. I'm 26. I didn't know what I wanted to do when I graduated from high school. I didn't get any sort of scholarship and my family was poor, so I didn't go to college. I was deathly scared of a job interview, so I just never tried to get one. I lived with my grandma (who's basically been my mother my whole life) and just didn't do anything at all with my life for 8 years. Until last year, when I started to get really scared by how close I am to 30 and that I may end up homeless or something some day if I didn't change my life. So, I finally learned how to drive, got my license, and began looking for a job. As you can imagine, I didn't have much luck for a while. Eventually, I found a job doing tech support and making way more money than I could have expected to with my complete lack of job experience. I almost had anxiety attacks about the interview, but I made it through it.

 

Sometime during the first few days of work, I met this woman named Colleen at work, and she was amazing. We started talking and we both sort of had the same taste in obscure movies and music. I hadn't had a girlfriend in over 8 years, or even been interested in a woman since then, but this woman re-awakened that. I knew right off the bat she was way out of my league and I never had any chance with her, so I started to get depressed and very regretful about how I'd spent the last 8 years of my life. I'd come home after work and just sit and brood for several hours (it didn't help that I got off work at 11:30pm and I was completely alone the rest of the night). So, this brings us to the point of the story...

 

Me and my best friend of 12 years (since high school) had recently reconnected again a month or so before I started work. Her name is Julie. She's had a sort of crazy life and moved around a lot, so we tended to lose touch for a while and reconnect again all the time. My work hours didn't permit us to hang out much except one day every weekend, but we were talking through e-mail every single day. My life had changed dramatically once I started work and met Colleen, so I had a lot to say to her. I told her about Colleen, and the loneliness I felt after coming home from work and staying up all night alone every night. She was pushing me to try something with Colleen, but I was convinced I had no chance, so I never did. She ended up quitting shortly after that (Colleen, that is) and that was the end of that. Haven't spoken to her since. Julie and I continued to talk every night through very long e-mails. I was vulnerable and lonely and was just really glad to have someone who would listen to me vent all of these new feelings, so I shared a lot of personal things with her that I'd never shared with her before. Things related to sex began coming up in our conversations for the first time ever. We had somehow gotten even closer than we had ever been.

 

One night, we were at her sister's birthday party. Julie had been drinking a little (probably not enough to be really drunk), and I noticed she was like brushing up against me and touching my back a lot. We'd never really touched each other at all before, intentionally anyway. But, I hadn't really been drunk with her before so I figured maybe she just got a little more touchy-feely (I had to drive so was sober). It was a small party with mostly people related to her, and everyone else ended up going to bed around 1 or 2, but me and Julie ended up staying up together, alone. We had one of those life-changing talks, and ended up talking until about 6am. I finally told her about my last and only girlfriend from high school (Julie had dropped out by then and we weren't really in touch, so I never told her much about it). Sex was brought up again, and I admitted to her I had been with a member of the same sex in high school, and enjoyed it. I had never told that to anyone. Still, all of this conversation was within the friend realm and I didn't feel like any lines were crossed, though I could definitely feel she and I were gaining some sort of connection we never had before. I figured it was just the loneliness.

 

So, we said our goodbyes at around 6, and it had been such an amazing night that before I left I said, "I think it's weird that we've been friends for so long and have never hugged...". We'd never hugged before, and it was just the most electric moment of my life. We ended up standing there hugging in silence for a good couple minutes. I started to break it up because I was a little scared where it was leading, and she held onto me and wouldn't let me go, so we continued hugging for another minute. Eventually, I said I should go, and went home. I left feeling incredibly confused, and with my emotions just running wild.

 

The next day, she emails me and tells me that the hug really affected her, and I said it affected me too. We still barely saw each other, so we continued to talk every night through email, and I would call her on most of my breaks at work. Well, we continued to analyze it and within the next couple days, she admitted to me that she had been in love with me for the past 5 years. I told her I was too confused and emotional at the time to give her any sort of answers or clear feelings. Through all of it though, I think I realized that I wanted to be with her. She has a 9 year old son, has been in some VERY bad relationships, and is most likely bipolar, so I didn't want to admit my feelings for her to myself, and thereforee, to her. So, we saw each other for the first time since the party the following weekend. Even with all of the recent confessions, we were just planning on hanging out as friends as usual. But the whole day, all I could think about was how I wanted to feel that electricity from our hug again. We were a little awkward with each other all day, and I sort of broke down at the end of the night. I wasn't sure if it was because it felt like we may have destroyed our friendship, or because I now wanted to be more than friends and it didn't head any further in that direction that day, but I just broke down in a mess of feelings and we ended up hugging for over an hour and talking. After that night, I think we both knew where this was headed.

 

So, we started dating. At first, we were still awkward with each other physically. We were weird about public displays of affection and our first kiss was awkward. But, eventually those things became normal. At the time, she was living with her grandparents temporarily until she could find a new job and get her own place. She was staying in the extra room that had windows on the doors, so we had very little privacy. But once everyone else was in bed, we'd throw a blanket over the door, and we'd have a couple hours of privacy together. It was exhilarating to be in physical contact with a woman I was attracted to again. I guess I never fully realized how amazingly attracted to her I was until we started dating, though it did always occur to me that she was an attractive woman. She's an amazingly beautiful woman, and lights up a room with her smile. The only other girlfriend I had had was in high school. We had done physical things together, but never actually had sex. I lied to Julie and told her that I had had sex with my old girlfriend because I was embarrassed, but this was the first woman I ever had sex with.

 

As you may have guessed, I was really weird about sex at first. I would stop Julie from taking it any further than foreplay. Another thing I should probably mention (I swear, all of this is actually relevant), I was very overweight at the time and completely disgusted by my own body (however since starting work 6 months ago I've lost over 60 lbs and gained a ton of self-confidence, yay!), and incredibly afraid of how I'd perform. It took at least a couple weeks for me to even take my shirt off in front of her, even though we had already had sex. It was a great feeling to know that I'm sharing these experiences with someone that understands my situation and knows what to expect from me though (she was the only person close to me that never made fun of me for how I spent my life the past 8 years, though she did end up doing just that later on when she was upset with me). I was beyond awkward, but she was incredibly understanding with all of my mishaps (and there were quite a few). I slowly got more and more comfortable sexually, and even with the few awkward nights that ended badly, I was incredibly happy. As much as I loved just spending time with her at a movie or at home listening to music or whatever, sex was always on my mind. She completely re-awakened my sexual drive that I thought may had been lost forever. And based on our emails and conversations together, I thought she wanted sex as much as I did. But, it's hard to want sex as much as someone who just discovered it (with a woman, anyway), and I now understand why she didn't need it the way I did. That said, we still had a whole lot of sex. I held us back sexually, but as soon as we had sex, I wanted it more and more often.

 

Looking back on the emails from the first couple weeks of our relationship fills me with heartbreak and regret now. Just all of the things that we promised each other that later ended up being untrue because we were upset at each other over something stupid. I guess when problems started to arise in our relationship, I got a lot more upset about them than I should have because of my position in life at the moment.

 

Since starting work, I've had a complete personality change and constantly have this drive to spend my time doing something meaningful. Or at least, one great thing in a * * * * ty day to redeem the rest of it. I stopped enjoying the things I used to enjoy doing (I used to play video games and watch movies for several hours every day, but I stopped doing both almost completely for at least 2 months). I now had a woman I loved in my life, and that was by far the most important thing. I didn't care about wasting my time on things that ultimately meant nothing. I wanted to spend every free second with Julie, and that probably ended up being the major problem in our relationship.

 

I've always been an insomniac and a night owl, and Julie has always been the opposite. She would come over most weekends over the past several years, and we'd end up watching movies all day or just hanging out listening to music, and she would always fall asleep in the middle of movies and go to bed early (by my standards, anyway). I always knew this about her, but it never occurred to me that it could be a problem in our relationship until she started falling asleep and leaving me up in her grandparents' house for several hours with nothing to do. I went through hell to get to her house most nights. The car I was driving was not my own and I had very limited access to it. Most nights I ended up taking the bus just to spend the night with her, then taking the bus back home in the morning to get ready for work. It sucked, but it was completely worth it and I didn't care. And then, after all it took to get to her house, some nights we ended up spending maybe an hour or two together before she fell asleep. This did not mesh well with my feelings of restlessness. "There's always tomorrow" didn't make sense to me. Yeah, there's always tomorrow, but there's also NOW and TONIGHT, and what if the same thing happens again tomorrow? This was around the time I also really started to hate my job.

 

I realize now it's just a difference in perspective and positions in life, but I soon started accusing her of a lack of passion for me and our relationship. You know, "if you love me as much as you say you do, why can't you stay awake for me?". Most nights we got a good amount of time together, and I was happy. But now and then she'd fall asleep really early and I'd get upset and feel like my day was wasted, but I didn't end up expressing how upset I was about it until it sort of exploded later.

 

Julie had just recently quit her job that she could no longer stand and was forced to stay with her grandparents for a while. She had no money, no place of her own, a 9 year old son, no car, no luck finding a new job for about a month, and here I was accusing her of not devoting enough of her time to our relationship. I had no other friends (my other best friend had just recently moved out of state) and got no enjoyment out of the things I used to do, and the way I saw it, she didn't understand. Just like I didn't understand her situation. I wanted her to be my everything, but she had a million things to worry about. Our relationship simply began at a very bad time for both of us, and neither of us had a real understanding of the other's situation. I realize how selfish I was being now. I probably realized it back then too, but couldn't accept it.

 

I held her back from finding a new job and moving on with her life. I came over almost every day, and we spent most of our time alone in that room instead of her job hunting. Part of the problem is she never really mentioned this until later after I accused her of a lack of passion. I made her defensive, and she let the truth out. I'm sure she loved our time together as much as I did, but afterward she felt like it should have been spent job hunting. And in hindsight, even though she ended up finding a job that she loves and pays well not too long after, I can't blame her for spending as much time as she could job hunting, considering everything she had to worry about. This is when we started really arguing and picking at each other through email. We both decided that we were being too cold in our emails and it wasn't accomplishing anything, so we vowed to stop with the emails and discuss our problems in person, or at least over the phone. I look back on these emails now, and I'm absolutely shocked how selfish and needy I was being. She was desperately looking for a job, possibly about to get kicked out of her grandparents' house, still had no car, and still had a child to feed and worry about, and I didn't care and just wanted her to spend all of her time with me and let her life go to * * * * . I've never regretted anything quite as much as I do the things I said to her in these emails right now. I'm disgusted with myself that I could do something that terrible to someone.

 

These things continued to be problems but we still enjoyed our time together and things were generally OK. Then, she found a job with hours completely incompatible with mine. She worked from 5am - 1:30pm. I worked from 11am - 7:30pm. She had Saturday and Sunday off, I had Monday and Tuesday off. We still had most of Monday and Tuesday, and Friday and Saturday nights together, so it wasn't all that bad, but it was a tough adjustment for me. We suddenly saw a LOT less of each other, and I hated my job and the rest of my life more and more. Not too long after she started this schedule though, I bought my own car and could go wherever I wanted, and she would invite me over at 2am (she got up at 3 or 3:30am to get ready for work, but would get up an hour earlier so we could spend an hour together on the days in which we otherwise wouldn't see each other) most nights. She was usually in bed or close to it by the time I got off work, so it was the only option. By 2am I was usually asleep or close to it. I would set my alarm for 1:45 though, and be there every time she invited me. Or, if I were still up, I'd skip out on another couple hours of sleep and be dead tired the next day. But I didn't care. On all but one of these 2am visits, we ended up having sex. I don't mean to imply that was the only thing I enjoyed about those visits, but we both knew why we were there and it was nice not having to play any games, and we had complete privacy.

 

Around the same time, we both had been discussing moving into our own apartments. Julie had casually mentioned moving in together first, but I didn't think much of it until I realized how much more time we could have together. So, I said we should move in together, and started really pushing for it. I wasn't ready to be a father figure to her son, and was naive about the financial responsibilities, but all I cared about was having more time with Julie. We went apartment hunting every week for about a month or so, and those were probably the happiest moments of my life. Every apartment we took a tour of, we'd end up just looking at each other and smiling, imagining the life we could have together. Everything seemed perfect, and we just loved each other thoroughly. We decided on a place, put down the deposit, and had an exact move-in date.

 

We moved in, and even though we were incredibly busy the first week or so and didn't have much time alone, we were excited for the future. We didn't even have any furniture or a bed, but we had each other, and once we were settled in things would be great. We had some amazing days and nights together the first few weeks of moving in, but so many things had changed that it was a difficult adjustment, and some things I expected to change didn't. Our schedules were still completely incompatible, and I was still up most of the night alone with nothing to do. The feelings of loneliness intensified. I expected more time with Julie, but I actually ended up getting less. The 2am visits stopped (she said I should still wake her up if I wanted to, but I know she didn't mean it, and it wouldn't be the same anyway... this is sleep that she's losing. That's something she needs to volunteer for). I was broke all the time, separated from my family for the first time in my life, had a lot of new responsibilities, hated my job more with every passing day, and I was getting less time with Julie. None of our issues were resolved, except our own personal desires to be on our own. So, I started blaming Julie for being unsympathetic to my situation, while at the same time I was being unsympathetic to hers.

 

Things were rough but generally OK though until we had our first big fight. We were out at a bar on my sister's birthday, and Julie fell asleep sitting up, at about midnight. There were a hundred very loud people surrounding us, and Julie was stone cold asleep in the middle of them. I didn't think that was even possible. If she had been seen falling asleep, she would have been kicked out of the bar, so being upset with her, I suggested she go wait in the car until last call, which she did. That night, I was fully convinced she had some sort of sleeping disorder, and we really got into it on the drive home. I never should have used the term sleeping disorder, because that only made her end up being more defensive about the whole thing. Going back to our early emails when this first started becoming an issue, she even suggested she may have some sort of problem. Exact quote: "Maybe I have a real problem. What's the opposite of insomnia? Chronic fatigue? Anyway, it's not you. I have a great time with you! Maybe I just need to change my diet, or start working out. I'm always tired. That can't be normal." But, now that I suggested it, I'm just being selfish. Maybe that's partly true, but I knew that part of her felt she may really have a problem. I'm trying not to dwell too much on the sleeping issue though, because I'm more than ready to look past it now. It no longer matters.

 

Then, issues with sex started coming up again, only they were different issues now. We weren't having sex as much as I would have liked. Granted, we were fighting a lot, but even when we weren't, we had sex maybe a couple times a week. I also started noticing that I was almost always the one to initiate it. As much as she was pushing me for sex in the beginning, and as much as she was telling me she loved sex, I felt like we almost never would have had it if I didn't initiate it. Julie is very submissive sexually, so I'm sure that's part of it. I'm fine in either role... I'm fine initiating sex, but sometimes I wanted to be the submissive one and have her take over, but I suppose that doesn't come naturally to her. She's a little into BDSM and likes to be told what to do and things like that, and that took some getting used to for me. This was the first woman I'd ever been with, after all. She told me some of the things that she liked, and what she wanted me to do. I wanted nothing more than to please her, but those things didn't come naturally to me and I was never sure what was appropriate for the situation. When it felt right, I did them, and the reaction I got from her really made me enjoy it. I loved doing these things, but I was just nervous about what's appropriate and doing something stupid and embarrassing myself, so most of the time we just ended up having straight sex. I would ask her now and then if the sex is boring, and if there was anything more she wanted me to do. From the very beginning, I told her that I wasn't sure what I was into sexually, and that she may end up being bored with me. She told me that she didn't need those things, and that even if I never got into anything more than straight sex, she would be satisfied. And, I felt like that was true. She always seemed satisfied, and told me that she was happy with how everything went. The last thing I wanted was to be that guy who doesn't realize that his girlfriend is sexually unsatisfied, but that's what I ended up being. She later told me that it didn't feel like I was ever trying to do the things she liked, and that she had given up on them. I was satisfied, and she seemed satisfied, so I didn't realize there was a problem, I guess. Every single time we had sex, my aim was to please her, and apparently I wasn't doing that. I'm sure I was doing plenty of things wrong, but she was too passive to tell me about it. Even going back to our emails though, she was trying to get me to be more dominant and do the things she liked. She would ask me if I ever thought about just pushing her against a wall or bending her over a nearby table, things like that. I said of course, but that these things weren't really possible in our situation. I should have been more aware of what she wanted though. I'm a really laid-back person (usually), and I was scared and was happy with her taking over most of the time. She assumed that was a lack of passion from my end, even though I was overflowing with it. I just had a hard time expressing it to her.

 

So we continued fighting about the same * * * * . We'd have an amazing week together, then fight about something stupid, and have a horrible one. We started fighting about things that could have been resolved if we just mentioned them to each other like regular couples do, instead of waiting until it exploded because we were both afraid of a confrontation. I've always been a dog lover, and I missed my dog from my old house so much that I wanted to get a new dog. We went to the Humane Society and picked out a dog we both liked. I was broke, so Julie ended up paying for the dog and all of his supplies. We thought a dog would add some warmth to the apartment, and give me a companion when I was lonely. I felt bad about her having to pay for him and his supplies, but I figured he would end up helping our relationship and it wouldn't matter in the long run. The dog seemed great at first. Incredibly friendly, and he seemed to like all of us. That changed very quickly. As soon as we started leaving him home alone, he started to chew things and tear things up. We quickly realized he isn't meant for apartment life. We had to start leaving him outside on the patio while we were gone (it's a pretty big patio, so he had plenty of room, and we left his water/food dishes out there), but he started freaking out and we got complaints from our neighbors about him. The Humane Society offered a free exchange for another dog within the first 14 days, and I really wanted to take him back, but Julie and Dimitri (her son) wanted to keep him and try and train him, so we kept him. He only ended up getting worse, and I didn't have the patience to train him and walk him every day like I needed to. He destroyed our couch and anything else we left around him while we were gone. Our carpet was disgusting. He was very rough with Dimitri. He added a whole other level of stress and resentment to our relationship at the worst possible time. I finally did the right thing for us and the dog and took him back to the Humane Society a few weeks ago, but it was too late. Julie already resented me for making her pay for the dog and not taking care of him.

 

I'm probably * * * * ing up the timeline, but at the same time Julie started resenting me for not helping out enough with the household chores. I didn't necessarily agree with it (she's a clean freak and expected me to be one too, apparently... she told me things were "filthy" that I didn't even see as dirty, and I'm by no means a slob), but I did everything I could to fix it. I started doing all of my own laundry, doing all of the dishes, bought a ton of cleaning supplies and cleaned things that I didn't think were dirty, finally put away every last bit of my stuff from home, etc, and this actually ended up being an issue that WAS resolved. It never had to be an issue to begin with though, if Julie had just mentioned something to me. But, it's no longer an issue so thereforee not worth dwelling on any more.

 

The only night we had together when we could actually go out and do something was Saturday, and Julie started disappearing and hanging out with her other friends on Saturdays if she was upset with me. I wanted to stay at home and talk about our issues and try to fix them, she wanted to avoid them for a night and get the most out of her 1 night of freedom. I guess I can't really blame her, but I thought the whole thing was a little childish and only ended up making things worse, and that was a whole other week I had to wait until we could spend a night together again. Through all of these things I got upset at her about, all I still wanted was to spend my time with her and try to work out our problems, but she needed to be away from me when she was upset. She said it helped her come back calmer and with a new perspective the next day, but I don't think it did.

 

The first Saturday she did this, the next time we spoke we had the whole day together, and it was maybe the best night of our entire relationship. Julie NEVER says she's sorry for anything, but she actually apologized that morning for what she did, and that meant so much to me that I just forgave her and tried to make the best of the day. I made a homemade dinner of steak and mashed potatoes and gravy. We had the music of one of our favorite bands playing in the background. We were lost in each others eyes, and couldn't keep our hands off of each other. The meal was awesome, and everything was just perfect. Just one of those perfect nights that you'll never forget. Things continued to be good, until we got into another fight over something I can't even remember, and she disappeared again the next Saturday. It continued like this for a few more weeks... we had some of our best nights together, and some of the absolute worst.

 

One night, after a great week together, I come home from work, and Julie is on the computer posting on her Myspace, and doesn't even acknowledge my presense. She goes to bed earlier than usual and we barely say a word to each other. I always knew Julie had mood swings, but this happened at such a weird time, right when things were great. The Myspace blog entry was basically about how she feels like she's had to sacrificed her dreams, her youth is slipping away, and she's stuck in a routine that she doesn't like. She missed her old friends that she moved away from and never saw anymore. She said some things that sort of contradicted some things she'd said before.

 

"I just feel restless. I feel like time is being wasted every day that I have to go to bed early, turn down a social engagement, or otherwise ignore the final gasps of my fading youth. " She always told me she looked forward to going to bed, and that she needed the routine.

 

"I suppose part of my restlessness, and melancholy comes from the nagging feeling that everything in my life is temporary. If I don't get the most out of every person, every moment, every opportunity, then I will never get another chance. Anyone at any moment, for any reason may be lost to me forever. " This is the same thing that I expressed to her months earlier, and she didn't really understand, and said I need to give her space.

 

What really upset me about the whole blog entry though, was that I wasn't even mentioned once. She's with the man she's loved for the past 5 years, and that doesn't get a mention? I took it personally, because I felt like I had no impact on her life either way, and I didn't matter. Her other friends and having time away from me were more important. I understand now that she almost never saw them, and compared to that saw me quite often, so naturally wanted more time with them. I understand missing old friends. I missed a lot of things from my old life when I first moved out, and it was a very hard adjustment. It really bothered me that after she has what she's wanted for so long, she wanted her old life back. It also bothered me that I'd still never met any of this group of friends (and still haven't). She told me stories about all of them, but I was never invited to anything they did together. They all sound like people I would like and get along with, but it felt like she wanted to keep me and that group separate. This blog entry was aimed at that group of friends, and once again I'm separated from that. I wanted to have some sort of impact on her life. I wanted her to want me in the other areas of her life. She also started reconnecting with another old friend at the same time, and was on the phone with him a few times and ignored my presense again when I got home. Overhearing her conversations with him was absolutely painful. She was laughing the whole time and telling stories, the way she and I used to talk. I was jealous and disappointed in what we had let our relationship become, but I still wanted to try and make it work. The things she said that night, it sounded like she was done.

 

The night she wrote that blog entry, after she went to bed, I started to think that this relationship just may not ever work. I got online and had a very long and detailed chat about my relationship with Julie with an old online friend of mine for about 5 hours. I mentioned that I thought I may need to break up with her, for my own good. I didn't really mean it, I think I was just trying to get my friend to convince me it's worth continuing to fight for. I told my friend EVERYTHING. I was in a terrible mood and sort of felt like the situation was hopeless, but by the next morning, my friend had convinced me that Julie and I should go to couples counseling. We weren't getting anywhere in our talks together, and weren't seeing each others perspectives, so some outside neutral help may do us good. Julie mentioned couples counseling once before, and I dismissed it and it wasn't brought up again. I mentioned to her a couple days later that I thought it was a good idea, and she was upset that it took someone ELSE to tell me it's a good idea for me to see that. It wasn't WHO told me, it's just that with my friend we had a VERY long talk about it and he really pushed it on me, and fully convinced me it's what needs to be done. With Julie, it was only mentioned once. I didn't know it until a week later, but I guess I accidentally left the chat log open, and Julie read all of it while I was at work. I said a lot of things I didn't mean in that chat, some personal things that I felt bad about saying immediately after I said them.

 

It was Christmas Eve, and Julie spent the night at her ex-boyfriend's, and I was working Christmas Day, so I texted her at work Christmas Day and asked her if we could have some time together before she goes to bed, and she said she'll probably go to bed early. I was upset that she wouldn't even stay up to spend a little time with me on CHRISTMAS, but it makes sense now in retrospect. We got into it again through text while I was at work, and she told me she read the chat log, and that it was over. I made her tell me through text, so I don't blame her for that. I barely managed to make it through the rest of my day at work, I spent the evening with my family, and came home. She was sleeping in Dimitri's bed (he was with his grandparents for a couple weeks for winter break). I must have woken her up when I came in. We ended up talking and I expressed how much I still wanted to try and make this work, and tried to convince her to try couples counseling. We hugged and cried and apologized, and I left the room that night feeling like this wasn't over, and that we'd finally made some progress through conversation. I spent a few hours with my friend that night who was back in town for the week, and he told me to make sure I want her back for the right reason. I realized without a doubt that it is for the right reason: I love her completely. I ended up going back in there and sleeping with her that night (just sleeping), and in the morning, we continued to hug and cry, and she broke down and cried like I've never seen her cry before and said she was sorry. I had to leave for work, but before I left I asked her if she thinks we can give it another chance. She said she didn't know.

 

I felt like there was hope. "I don't know" is better than "no". The next day or two, it felt like we had slipped right back into it. We were talking like good friends again, we went out to lunch, we saw a great movie together, and just had a great day/night. Until we got home, and she became distant, and I asked her what was wrong. She said it's naive to think that this could still work. I again tried to convince her that this COULD work, and that those 2 good days together were proof of that, and that we should try couples counseling. I ended up getting in bed with her again that night, and the next night. The next day, she told me she wanted to sleep alone. She moved every trace of her stuff out of our room and into Dimitri's room. That was so painful I could barely stand it. It really was over. But, I couldn't give up. I called her sister for advice and to vent. She listened to me, but couldn't offer me any advice except "it sounds like Julie's made up her mind", and that maybe I should start to move on to make the situation less painful later if we don't ever end up getting back together. Dimitri came back home and Julie is now sleeping on the couch every night. I've offered her the bed a couple times, but she refused.

 

I kept asking Julie if we could talk when I got home from work, or whatever chance we had. She agreed the first few times, and I kept reiterating the same things because I absolutely needed her to understand. I told her that the schedule and sleeping issues didn't matter anymore. I understood I was being selfish about a lot of things. She asked for logical reasons why this could work, and I gave her some. My other best friend is moving back here next month, so I'll have someone else to spend my time with when Julie isn't available. I may have a different job soon, with different hours and days off. My restlessness about how I spend my time has cooled off a lot, I now enjoy doing the things I used to do again (mainly my video games). I don't have the free time I used to, but I no longer see playing a few hours of Halo as a waste of a day.

 

I kept pressuring her to give me some sort of answer, and to give me another chance, and promised her things will be different. I assured her that I could change and deal with these things. By the time all this started, the sleeping thing had already become less of an issue. I had started to deal with it already, and it hadn't been brought up in a while. I finally realized it wasn't going to change, and I loved Julie so much that I started to accept it. Like I mentioned last paragraph, my restlessness had already begun to cool off. She got upset that I complained about my job so much, but I had stopped doing that and was going through work day after work day without a problem. I still hated it, but I was hopeful (and still am) that my daily job search would bear some sort of fruit soon. She broke up with me because she thought I could never learn to deal with things I had already begun to deal with.

 

The whole problem is proving this to her; that I am prepared to deal with these things to make our relationship work. I don't need her every second like I used to. I don't need to spend every Saturday together (in fact, she told me she's going to have regular plans every Saturday with her old group of friends, and I said that's fine, and it really is). I'm continuing to deal with my * * * * ty job, and looking for something better. I'm working on my Network+ certification, not only to find a better job, but just to generally better myself and get back into what I always really wanted to do. I assured her that I did want to try and be a father figure to her son, I just wasn't ready yet, but I am now. I'm much better about spending my time alone now. I kept trying to convince her that this could work and kept the pressure on her because I felt like every conversation we had could be my last chance. I asked her how I can prove these things to her. She said she didn't know, but that there is some gesture or action that could do it. That filled me with hope for a couple days and I tried to avoid the talking and just let things happen, and try to figure out how to prove these things to her in the meantime. I only lasted a couple days and asked if we could talk again. She said the talking isn't getting us anywhere, and I should back off and let her remember what it is that she loved about me in the first place. I tried to explain to her that I felt like every day is my last chance, and if I backed off then it would slip away forever. We ended up talking for a couple hours that night anyway, and I felt like we made real progress. She seemed to understand what I was saying, and I was really getting through to her. I felt like that after all of our conversations since breaking up though, and then the next day she says the talking does no good and that nothing has changed. That night wasn't any different, I guess. No matter how good I feel about the conversation we had, and no matter how much I KNOW I got through to her and can see it in her eyes, or hear it in her voice when she speaks to me, or the expressions on her face, or the way she touches me... the next day, she's all business and her mind is made up again. The past week, I've tried to back off and just enjoy our time together and see what happens, because I felt like the talking was starting to push her away. I was practically begging for her to give me another chance, crying all over her and making a fool of myself. I realized that that isn't what's going to get her back... I somehow need to prove to her things can be different, or just try and let things happen.

 

She's been gone a lot of the time recently, but we have had a few nights together. In the time we've had together, we've slipped back into talking to each other the way we used to. We watched a few episodes of our favorite tv show together, just hanging out drinking, playing board games, and generally enjoying our time together. Our relationship problems weren't brought up at all, and things seemed to be going well. I fell asleep in her lap on the couch while we were watching tv. Every time I touched her or laid my head on her, she responded accordingly. She touched, held, and caressed me only the way someone that loves you would do. The passion when we touch is palpable. I still feel it there, and I know she does too. Every time I told her I loved her, she said it back and meant it.

 

2 nights ago, we had one of the best nights I can ever remember having together. I had given her her Christmas presents, finally (it was 2 weeks after Christmas, but we were broke around Christmas and decided we'd get each other presents next paycheck), and she loved them (I think). She needed to get to bed, but we ended up listening to almost all of our favorite band's albums, and discussing what we loved about them and about each song... our favorite lyrics, the way the songs and albums affected us... but mainly, we just sat and sang together. She was laying on my chest for a long time, and eventually we both fell asleep in that position, way past her bedtime. Another one of those perfect nights. I thought after that night, that progress HAD to have been made, and I was incredibly happy. She responded to all of my touching and hugging, and willingly laid her head on my chest and let me embrace her.

 

I hugged her good night again last night, and again she responded accordingly. I hugged her good night again tonight, and she grabbed my hand firmly. I apologized for doing this... for hugging her all the time when I'm not sure if it's appropriate or not. I asked her if I should stop, and she said it's probably a good idea because this is hard for both of us and it isn't helping. She continued to hold my hand. I asked her where we stand now, and she said nothing has changed. I asked if she could see herself being with me again, and she said "sometimes, but we have such different ideas of what a relationship should be". I tried to convince her that our ideas aren't so different anymore, but she drifted into sleep and I don't know how much she caught. I told her good night and I love her, she told me she loved me.

 

I still take her to work every morning, and we've been hugging every time before she gets out of the car. I don't know if I should attempt a hug tomorrow morning or not. She says it doesn't help, but I feel like I need to keep that passion alive in her. If I don't continue to make her feel these moments that we keep having together, she'll forget about it and remember again that she's made up her mind, and there's no turning back. I'm stuck between backing off and most likely letting that happen, or continuing to try and talk to her and hug her and convince her this is the right thing to do and that things will be different. I don't know what to do. I love Julie more than anything in the world.

 

These past few weeks have been the most painful time of my life. I've always had bad luck with the opposite sex, and I thought I knew pain...but I have never known pain like this. I've cried myself to sleep more nights than I'd care to count. I think of nothing but Julie. I picture her smile. I hear her amazing laugh in my head. I think about gently caressing her face, and tucking her hair behind her ear. I miss her warmth next to me in bed, and sharing a blanket with her. I miss her smell, and her taste. I miss the freedom that I had with her sexually, even though I rarely took advantage of it. It was nice to know anything I wanted to try, she would most likely be up for it, and enjoy it as much as I do. I miss looking deeply into her eyes, and having her look back at me. I miss just being able to hug her after a bad day. I miss the way she touched me. I miss the way she gently breathed in my ear and sent shivers up my spine. I miss the way she shyly looked away when I told her she was beautiful. I miss just staring at each other and smiling sitting in our favorite bar. I miss the night she slept flat on top of me on the couch because there wasn't enough room for both of us. I miss messing up her hair after she had just fixed it. I miss just randomly embracing no matter where we were, because we couldn't keep our hands off each other. I miss even the things that used to annoy me about her.

 

I went out with my sister and a friend of hers last weekend, and he was talking about his relationship troubles. He's a huge geek, has read a million books and is REALLY into history. He said that women don't like smart guys. I thought of Julie and said, "some of them do...". He said no woman would be impressed by his knowledge of history, and again I thought of Julie and said, "some of them would...". It really hit me once I lost her just how special Julie is, and how perfect she is for me. I feel like I've destroyed my chance at real love, and that's why I can't give up. If I let this slip away, I'll regret it the rest of my life. I may end up pushing her away, but I can't just sit idly by and wait. This is true love. I pray that I can still somehow convince her that this will work, or that she somehow comes to that conclusion on her own and comes to me.

 

She's currently asleep on the couch right next to me, and looking at her and hearing her moan in her sleep absolutely kills me. I know this can work if given a 2nd chance. I've never been more sure of anything in my life. But I don't know what to do...

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That was really long and heartfelt and quite a moving post. I'm sorry you are having all these troubles with her this must be devistating to see her slip away. I can tell you that its seems like you need to make a change within yourself. You need to become a happier person and focus on your hopes dreams and aspirations. It seems like (from your post) that you are seriously lacking self confidence and judging by some of the things you have said there is no reason for that. Good god man you lost 60LBS!! thats a tremendous achievement. You are working on your network cert working to better yourself. I feel like listening to this story that you have been depressed with your life for a long time but I dont see why you should feel that way.

 

I think you really need to look within yourself and work on gaining confidence and really focus on living and enjoying your life. Love is but one part of that, but I think in order for someone to really love you you have to love yourself.

 

I can tell you that it seems like you being overly needy/etc with this woman and eventually I feel like that will drive her away. She doesnt feel like you have any direction in life or ambition so she is having trouble seeing a future with you. You are making steps to change that but you really need to work hard on that and also ACKNOWLEDGE your successes when accomplish your goals.

 

I know you love her but you have to realize that one relationship will not make or break your entire life. I'm sure Julie is great but there are literally billions of women and there are more out there that can make you happy.

 

I'm not going to tell you to try A, B and C with this woman but I think if you focus on making yourself happy that will allow you to make her (or maybe the next woman) happy. Happiness is contageous...would you rather be locked in a room with a happy or sad person? What kind of person do you think Julie is living with right now? You have the power to change those things within yourself. Persue your goals, better yourself and please start to LIVE your life. I think changes like that from inside yourself will help your situation tremendously.

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I think your doing ok. Dont hug like that anymore. If she sticks around and you are having fun together go with it. If you act like you dont want her, she will want you. You dont have to tell me how hard it is. My wife wants nothing to do with me and lives upstairs. I try to talk to her and tell her i love her everyday.. Im trying NC and am in the 5th day. We live in the same house with kids. My only other option is to be nice and she will file for divorce.. Stay strong and hang in there.

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Sorry, that was very, very long. Thanks for the encouragement. Self-confidence is something I'm constantly working on. That was a big problem with my relationship with Julie. She was patient with me for a while, but she said later that she felt like she was an instructor most of the time. That's inevitable with someone in my situation, but she got tired of it. I guess I don't really blame her. We were at very different points in our lives. It hurts a little bit to think that in the beginning she said she could be endlessly patient and would always be there for me, but got fed up with it so quickly. But still, ultimately I can't blame her.

 

I'm very proud of the steps I've taken in my life this past year, and I feel great about working towards a job that I will enjoy. I'm not going to be happy until I find a job that doesn't make me miserable, but hopefully that will happen soon.

 

It's been incredibly difficult to let go, but I decided yesterday to let Julie be. None of my talking (and especially the pleading) is doing any good. I'm ashamed by how low I've sunk to try and get her back these past few weeks, and I'm working on trying to get some of my dignity back. I'm sure I have plenty of rough times ahead, especially having to still see her almost every day (we still have 9 months left on our lease, and neither of us can afford the hit to our credit right now by breaking it), and it's only a matter of time before someone as special as Julie meets someone else. That's going to kill me. I may have to move out if that happens, lease be damned. If she came back to me, I would take her back in a heartbeat, but I'm going to try and let things happen on their own. I love Julie with all my heart, and I'm not ready to try and meet someone else yet, but we'll see what happens. Julie and I will always be friends for life, that's something I can just feel. Maybe if I can show her I'm the man she fell in love with and not the selfish * * * * * * * she dated the past 6 months, she can forgive me. I'm not going to go out of my way to prove that to her, I'll just be myself and try to enjoy the other areas of my life and continue to better myself, and it may happen naturally. If not, at least we can be friends again. A part of me will always love her, but even during the most difficult times of our relationship, we've been able to slip back into being great friends and just completely enjoy each other's company again. It's a once in a lifetime kind of connection.

 

I'm sorry to hear about your situation notshurewhy. Hopefully things end up working out for the best.

 

Thanks again for the encouragement, guys.

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