My biggest mistake is haunting me in my dreams! Help!

[YoungOld F]

I am a woman in her mid thirties whom today has absolutely no sexual drive, energy or interest.

 

Unbelievably, I was once considered a nymphomaniac in my younger years, but after reaching thirty it all went out the window. The urge died, the need died and the desire to explore vanished.

 

Don’t misunderstand me, no I am not a Nun, I am actually in a relationship of 6 years and we do have sex, and yes it’s good, but what I miss is that need. I never feel like I need sex, like I crave it and when I have sex it feels more like a chore than a pleasure. I have sex with him because I am emotionally and even physically connected, but just not sexually.

 

This dead feeling has even robbed me of something that I once loved about being me. My sexuality. Over the years I’ve felt like an older woman, older than my years, and I’ve felt somewhat like a non-sexual being. Yes I still take care of my hair, wear makeup. I care about how I look but I don’t feel like a sexually attractive woman. I feel like how you’d see your adult friends older Mother. Like I’m just there, just me. I hate it!

 

But here’s something that I’ve learned to hate even more than that! Five years ago I met a man. He’s younger than me, certainly not the relationship type, at least not the type I’d want to be in a relationship with, and to top it off and make matters worse, he’s related to my current partner.

 

Yeah I know it’s bad. Morally I think this is as bad as bad can get and I feel unbelievable amounts of guilt and tension everytime I have to be around this guy, especially with his Mother (a great woman who’s quite older than me) and my Boyfriend (whom is again older than me), are in the room. It’s all a mess and it’s disgusting! I’m disgusted at myself.

 

But even knowing all of this, my body seems to have an agenda all of it’s own. Whenever this guy, we’ll call him Jim, is around my body comes alive in ways that I could honestly compare to my teen age sexual stage. I feel alive, I can’t look at him without getting excited! He smiles, I run to the washroom, he stretches, lifting his shirt and rubbing his muscular, hairy stomach and I sweat. I get tongue-tied, I get confused and most of all I get this undeniable sickening guilt that makes me feel like I’m a fraud, that I don’t deserve my Boyfriend and certainly don’t deserve to be around this big, wonderful family. That family in many ways has welcomed me with open arms and I feel lucky to be part of them. A part of me even feels like someone in the family might know, or sense it, and that makes me feel like even more of a fraud.

 

This young man and I are closer in age (with me older) than me and my Boyfriend. So in the beginning a friendship began to develop. The guy even turned to me regularly when he needed a friend and I felt lucky to be his friend. He’s a good guy, young, determined, but also insecure. I understand insecurities and I think he needed what I could give, a shoulder. There were many times, dozens of times that I’d be alone with him, just the two of us. I’d always feel that unbelievable reaction, but I’d always manage to keep it under control and even ignore it. But it’s always there wherever he is.

 

After awhile my current bf and I started having problems, even separated for a short time, but then when I turned to this young friend, for a friend, he never returned my calls. I felt ignored and I felt used, as any friend would when being refused friendship in return for all you’d given. But in hindsight I think maybe it was the best thing that he could have done.

 

Now that I’ve managed to resurrect my relationship with my boyfriend, the relationship with his nephew is awkward. He avoids me and in some respects I feel grateful for that. It keeps us away from each other. I have to admit though I miss the way we used to joke, the way I could turn to him for help for me and my boyfriend, but at the same time I know I still physically react which is a hard thing to handle in the midst of family get togethers.

 

Today all of my sexuality is tied up and only comes to life in my dreams. I dream of this guy all the time, avoid him like the plague and let the growing gap between us develop for all our sakes.

 

I know I’m doing the right thing by ignoring this feeling, keeping it under control, but I wonder why this happened at all? I haven’t known anyone who’s been able to make me feel like that since I was like 20 years old! Why now? Why him? He’s untouchable, but is there more? Is there a reason for all of this? Is there someone else out there that has the ability to wake up the giant that's been sleeping within me for over ten years?

 

I love my boyfriend, he’s great, loyal, kind and he’s a partner you can depend on, well mostly. But these other feelings make we wonder….Am I missing something?

 

These dreams are driving me nuts and just compound the guilt when I wake up and see my partner next to me?

 

Why does this happen? It’s sick! I should be happy and grateful for what I have… that makes me feel even worse!

 

Help!

[Tethys]

I think you are bored with your current relationship. It happens. You have to decide how much you want to make it work -- you have invested six years, right? If you need to be free for awhile, explore your sexuality, then you should probably end it. But, if you are more interested in settling down, etc, then you might rethink it and find ways to revitalize your relationship -- it's really up to you, and what you want at this point in your life.

 

BTW, I think this has little to do with other guy (nephew?) and more to do with where you are at with yourself and your relationship. That's why I did not address it. It would only become relevant if you feel you get a thrill out of the "taboo" aspect.

[waveseer]

I had a very similar experience with my husband where my sexual desire went down to nothing. We thought it was me, and tried all sorts of remedies. I just wanted to make him happy. Eventually we split up and the minute I was introduced to a more interactive/spontaneous/gregarious/relaxed/communicative/bright man, zoom, my libido hit the ceiling. It was never my body, it was my brain turning my libido off because my ex husband wasn't my type after he became completely dependent on me for everything from food to mood. I had lost all respect for him and really resented being put in a position of being a parent to this grown man. He wasn't even trying to figure out what was wrong with him, as long as he had me then there was no compelling reason for him to change, he was entirely comfortable being a huge baby. Doesn't sound very sexy, does it.

[YoungOld F]

Nope, not a taboo thing... Don't get me wrong, a little taboo can certainly spice up your life a bit, but this is just over the top. This is just wrong, as wrong as wrong gets.

[Tethys]

Okay, so we got THAT out of the way, at least!

[Ac143]

Young/old is there ANY reason why you feel that you might not be attracted to your SO anymore?

 

I mean there isn't anything wrong with your libido IF you get all turned on by this other guy. I agree with the person who said this has nothing to do with the other guy but your relationship with your SO.

[DN]

I think this is one of those situations in life where you should be thinking about others as well as yourself. In particular, your boyfriend.

 

He deserves to have a girlfriend who loves him and wants him and isn't looking to other men for anything, sexual or emotional. He deserves someone who isn't going to risk disrupting his life, his relationships with his family and his happiness. He doesn't deserve what is happening to him even if he isn't aware.

 

You obviously have issues that are adversely affecting you and you need to get those addressed for your own sake. Hopefully, you will and can then find someone that you can love and desire exclusively. Perhaps counseling can help you do that.

 

But don't continue to deceive your boyfriend and let him think he is loved and wanted when he isn't. He deserves better than that and he deserves the chance to find someone who can give it to him.

[Tethys]

DN is right.

 

I say that as someone who spent years with someone and then found I simply was not attracted to him anymore. I felt he deserved someone who WAS attracted to him, happy about him. I stayed longer than I should have, prolonging the pain. This was a case that counseling would not solve -- at some point, I simply did not want to be with him anymore, so I left. It was painful, but I did it. There was no one else. It just had to be done.

 

Does you bf deserve someone who wants him? Cares about him?

 

PS my ex did find someone else, and they are happy -- and I am happy for him because I know he deserves her.

[YoungOld F]

Some of that sounds so familiar! My hubby's the same way with me. Always, everytime I see him "Did u do this? Did u do that? What can I do about this?" Everything seems to be on my shoulders.

 

But there's more... he's 52 and i'm 38. We've lived apart for most of our relationship because I have an older son and my partner lives in a house he bought with his elderly Mother. She a great lady, very loving and very giving, but she's old school and can't have me and my son living there because she believes it's her duty to take care of everyone and she's too tired to handle having so many people in the house.

 

My son went off on his own for a bit so I did move in with my partner, but after a year I moved out and our relationship almost came to an end. I couldn't handle living in a house where I felt like a visitor and had absolutely no say in anything. I'd been on my own, under my own rules for too long.

 

I've asked him to commit to us and a future together and so far there's nothing he can do about it due to her health. I really do understand and respect and even admire his commitment to his Mom, but it leaves us here, separate, with no where to go. He has six other siblings, but no one seems willing, or maybe not even aware that this is destroying our relationship. They just sit back, live their lives and know that we're having issues.

 

I don't know where this is going, maybe nowhere. But I do feel so much comfort with him and we have so much in common when it comes to morals and how we want to live our lives now and in the future. I want a home I can share with him, but how old will I be when that is finally possible? 60?

 

Yes, I'm confused!

 

Since having moved out and moved in with my son again my partner and I live separate lives, together, with the complication of paying for two homes, double bills and we're suffering financially in that regard (especially with today's economy).

 

It's all a mess.... I wonder why I haven't give up yet and just moved on....

[YoungOld F]

After reading my last post i went back and read the other posts that had been added while I wrote.

 

That's it.... that's the guilt! Makes sense now. That's why I feel like a fraud with him, he is great, he does love me, but this isn't what I want out of life. I can't handle it and it's just making me, and inevitably him, worse off for it.

 

Thanks..... it'll be hard, I know that I've tried before, but I know what i have to do.

[Tethys]

Y/OF.

 

I too just read your recent post. It sounds very complicated! I'm still thinking about it before I say anything else...

[YoungOld F]

i guess next time i'll be writing about how to move forward....

Thanks everyone...

[Tethys]

Well, here I am typing again, probably without thinking.

 

But that is quite an age gap, and you are dealing with his aging mother too, to which he has devoted his time. There are a lot of problems here, I think, that need to be worked out.

 

Are you feeling guilt because it is overwhelming, and you just want to bail?

 

If so, DO NOT FEEL GUILTY. It is a normal feeling.

[Tethys]

Young/Old F --

 

No matter what we say here, don't go. Remember, we're ENA -- you are not alone. Feel free to let go of your burdens. No one is judging you!