Advice desperately needed on how to move forward...

[You and Me]

There has been no activity in my other threads so I thought I would start a new one. Basically, I need some serious advice on what to do in a very interesting situation.

 

Basically my ex broke things off and gave the ring back. This was a couple weeks after I had expressed cold feet and other doubts about getting married and things just got worse after that. For the first week, since we still live together, it was very awkward and she wanted to avoid me at all costs, and I've respected her wishes

 

After a lot of relection and soul searching, I realized I wanted to be with her more than anything. And I wrote her a really long letter explaining everything: why I had doubts, what I wanted in the future, what steps I should take to better myself. I told her I did want to marry her, but a year after we originally were supposed to. I told her I needed to work on a lot of things. She had told me I needed to move out and work on things on my own, so I told her I would respect that. I told her it was better these things surfaced now rather than after we got married, and that it we were meant to be together, things would work themselves out.

 

Ever since I gave her that letter, she has opened up to me more and more each day. She has wanted me to sleep in her bed with her at night. We've cuddled, and one night this week we even made love. She said that this didn't mean everything was back to normal, but that she just really missed me and missed being close to me.

 

Its been like a complete 180, one minute she is afraid of me and is putting a chair up against her door, the next minute, we are in bed together cuddling and kissing. In the mornings now before we leave for work, we've even been kissing each other goodbye. We've just been very sweet and loving towards each other this week.

 

However, she still keeps talking about me moving out and her finding a roomate. She says that she isn't just going to wait around for me and that I need to work on things on my own and if we are meant to be together, we will get back together. She says she is going to live her life and not wait around for me. She says she doesn't trust me and that I need to show her that I can earn that trust back and she says it won't be an overnight thing.

 

Its frustrating because now more than ever I realize how much I love her and how much I want to be with her. I don't want to move out. We've been getting along so great this past week I feel like things are back to normal, even though she says otherwise. I want to marry her, I want to spend my life with her. But now I feel like if I tell her that I don't want to move out and that I really do want to marry her, it will just make things worse because she doesn't trust me. So I don't know what to do. Should I just move out and give her space and see how things go? I'm just afraid once that happens, she might move on for good.

 

How do I show her that I am really serious about making this work? Should I profess my love for her and tell her that I really do want to get married and live together or should I just take it easy for now, move out, do things on my own, give her some space, and then come to her and tell her how I feel? Its just confusing because of how close and intimate we have been with each other this week.

[Adge]

Ever since I gave her that letter, she has opened up to me more and more each day.

 

I'm glad you gave her that letter!!

 

I think you need to take things slowly. Day by day. Don't throw yourself into smothering her with love and affection. Just make her aware that you love and care for her in little bits and then progress from there.

[fiffy]

Hey You and Me,

 

I think you are actually in a very good position.

 

If a girl is not interested in a guy she is completely not interested. SHe would not have you in her bed, even to cuddle is she didn't want you close. I think girls are different in that sense. With a guy he can lose his attraction and then come back. WIth a girl once the attraction is gone its gone. But she is certainly still attracted to you.

 

I think you should find a place, get yourself moved out and start rebuilding your life. On the night you move out, cook her dinner and sit down and tell her exactly how you feel about her. Tell her she is the one, you love her and 100% want to spend the rest of your life with her, then leave the ball in her court.

 

Go away and work on yourself. You cannot push her away if you give her space. Distance is actually when you start to think and romanticise about the relationship. She will soon see that life without you is not that good and that you not physically being there is a great loss.

 

I think just doing as she says at the momnt is your best option. You don't want to frustrate her. She is right to have concerns, any girl would after their partner said they had doubts about marriage. It is a massive commitment and I think she is being very responsible in her approach. Just believe in what you have and work on yourself.

 

I hope this helps xx

[You and Me]

Yeah, you are probably right. Just give it some time instead of just saying, "Oh I changed my mind, lets keep living together and get married". I think that would upset her. She even told me one night that she hopes things work out, so do I. I just don't want to screw something up by doing something too soon or saying the wrong things to her.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

This woman is all over the map...she basically wants kisses and cuddles from you while at the same time wanting to boot you out so she can have her freedom. If she doesn't trust you then why in the world is she using you as a security blanket (literally). I think because you hurt her you are now going to the opposite extreme and allowing her to walk all over you in an effort to prove that you love her. Love is about balance between both partners...it is not about power imbalance. What you have now is a power imbalance...you provide her physical comfort and then she basically slaps you down afterwards. You have made your intentions perfectly clear...you have apologized and shown how much you care...I think it is time for you to stand up for yourself and show her that you are there for her BUT you won't be there simply for her convenience and when she gets what she wants she tosses you aside. If she wants you to leave then you tell her this is not what you want but you can't force her to want the relationship. Right now she is dangling carrots to make you squirm. She is basically trying to test you and get even with you. You shouldn't put up with that. Either she wants to make it work or she doesn't...this limboland gives her everything SHE wants and gives you confusion, uncertainty and a whole lot of tap dancing around her. She is not being fair to you. I would quit pandering to her now that you have made your position clear. It has to be a two way street. She is milking this right now to get her ego stroked.

[yankeefan74]

I agree with CAD.

 

You opened up to her in the letter...she knows what your reservations were...she's using you when she wants to, but has no interest in working through things with you.

 

And it always drives me nuts when people say the "If we are meant to be together, we'll get back together." That's nonsense.

 

We are in control of our lives...and we should be active in pursuing the things that we want. Saying that "if something is meant to be, it will be" just allows us mentally to not commit to anything, or put in any work. We're leaving it up to some mysterious hand of fate.

[You and Me]

Right, but can I really blame her for having these reservations? I mean, I did propose to her, then I got scared, and now I am changing my mind because I know its what I really want. Should she just trust me like that? I'm pretty sure she is hesitant because she thinks I can't change my mind like that so quickly and she is afraid I will change my mind again and get cold feet again. I am positive I won't. But if she can't understand this, I don't know what else to do.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Right, but can I really blame her for having these reservations? I mean, I did propose to her, then I got scared, and now I am changing my mind because I know its what I really want. Should she just trust me like that? I'm pretty sure she is hesitant because she thinks I can't change my mind like that so quickly and she is afraid I will change my mind again and get cold feet again. I am positive I won't. But if she can't understand this, I don't know what else to do.

 

 

Yes...but if she is so hesitant then why isn't she hesitant about crawling into bed with you and expecting cuddles, kisses and sex. She is hesitant when it suits her and is not hesitant when she needs physical gratification.

[You and Me]

Good point, should I address this with her?

[yankeefan74]

SHe either wants to work through things with you, or she doesn't. She's taking what she wants, all the while telling you she's going to live her life and you should work on your problems yourself.

 

just leave.

[You and Me]

Just leave? You mean, move out or just leave the relationship? I certainly don't want to give up on this relationship. I just need to talk to her and tell her what I want.

[ladybug726]

I don't think she is using you at all. I think that you getting cold feet got her guard up, and now she's having a hard time bringing it back down (although it sounds like she wants to... hence, she's letting you spend the night). I doubt that this is as black and white as suddenly you have cold feet, you back away, she gets scared and is suddenly out of love with you, and is now using you.

 

I think you should talk to her about moving out before you move out. If she doesn't feel it's right, she'll let you know and then you can move out. If she's ready for you to stick around then you might screw the relationship up more by creating more barriers (moving out).

 

Otherwise, all you can do is take it one day at a time. Trust isn't built overnight (unfortunately it can be torn down overnight) and you build it by being consistent, honest and reliable. In time she will let her guard down with you if you are patient. Until then, don't talk about marriage at all.

 

Also, I'm sorry but I disagree with CAD... I don't think you should turn this into a power war. I think that is a sure way to ruin this relationship fast. You did take a step back and that threw her off guard so of course her trust in you is wavering. And her trust isn't going to magically fall back into place because you profess your love, that it was a mistake, and all that. So expecting immediate results is a good way to ruin it all because with her guard up, she'll freak out even more.

[You and Me]

Right, thanks. But how long should I wait before bringing up the marriage thing again? I feel like if I don't talk about it and just wait, she might think that I really don't want that. How should I address this?

[You and Me]

Also, if I move out and we don't see each other as much, how can I show her that I'm honest, consistent, and reliable? How can I build that trust back? I feel like it would be easier if we kept living together because thats all I have show her this week and she has seen it.

[ladybug726]

I think you should tell her you are ready to marry her and ready to talk about it whenever she is. And then just keep reminding her subtly without having a big discussion about it (like, drop "You will make a beautiful bride" during some romantic moment, then let it go so she can dream about it on her own). Not TOO often, and only during romantic/happy moments so you don't scare her.

 

I don't think moving out is a great idea. I suggest avoiding it if you can, because once you take a step back like that in a relationship, it's hard to get back to where you were before.

 

But if you can't avoid it, then ... be consistently available to her. If she calls, make sure you call back in a decent time frame. If you don't spend the night, maybe send her a "Good morning my beautiful sweetie!" text when you get up. When you go out with the guys, send her texts letting her know you are thinking about her. Just do things that let her know she is still a high priority in your life and that you are thinking of her. These are just ideas...?

[You and Me]

Ok, so there is more confusion and mind games now: She calls me on the way home last night, we get to talking and I tell her I love her and I am ready to marry her and I want to be with her. She says that she doesn't trust me anymore and that I have to earn that trust back before she can take me back. She says it would be best if I move out. She then mentions she can't wait around for me and has to live her life while I improve myself, she said this includes the possibility of seeing other people. This hurt me but I tried to be strong and accept it. She then asks if I want to watch a movie with her, I say yes.

 

She gets home and she is acting all happy and comes up to me and gives me a kiss. Then she asks if I want to have sex. We have sex and then afterward she says to me "I love you".

 

I don't get it, she is acting like we are together yet she says we aren't. She says there may be a possibility that she will see other people because she can't wait around for me to get better. She says there is still a chance we will get back together but I have to show her I can change and win her trust back. This is all fine, but then why three minutes after she says this stuff, she comes home and wants to have sex? Is she using me? She did tell me she loved me afterward and she always keeps saying she hopes things work out. But for her to say that she might want to see other people is hurtful. What shoud I do? I feel like If i turn down her advances she might think I don't care about her, but on the other hand, I want to show her that I really love her and only want to be with her. I hate being in this dilemma.

[ladybug726]

Ouch. Okay, now I agree with the other posters... Sounds like she's setting herself up to hurt you really badly. Now I suggest you get away from her because this will only end badly.

 

If you go NC, she might realize what she's missing, but if you stick around to take her BS then she won't respect you and it will all blow up in your face. She IS going to hurt you at this rate (not that you aren't already.) I'm sorry.

[You and Me]

Yeah but I think she may be testing me. When we went through rough patches before she threatened things like "maybe we should see other people" but she always came running back to me. I am moving out within the next two weeks so I will be away from her soon.

[You and Me]

Do you think when she says she has to live her life and can't wait around for me to get better and that this includes the possibility of seeing other people, do you think she really means it or is maybe testing how I would react? She now tells me we are starting over and that we are "dating" and this is my chance to prove to her that I really want to be with her and I can change, but she says she can still see other people if she wants and that I can do the same. Is she full of crap?

[ladybug726]

Do you think when she says she has to live her life and can't wait around for me to get better and that this includes the possibility of seeing other people, do you think she really means it or is maybe testing how I would react? She now tells me we are starting over and that we are "dating" and this is my chance to prove to her that I really want to be with her and I can change, but she says she can still see other people if she wants and that I can do the same. Is she full of crap?

 

If I were you I would assume she means what she says and gear up for some gut wrenching pain if you plan to stick this through. Proving that you really want to be with her is one thing, but for her to make a statement like that is a whole other beast.

 

What I would do is... tell her you have every intention of proving to her that she is what you want. But you won't do it if it means seeing other people. That is NOT something you will tolerate (I'm hoping it isn't). If she wants to see other people than that means she doesn't get another chance with you.

 

And walk.

[You and Me]

Her whole thing is that she still says there is a chance that we will get back together, but she isn't going to wait around for me to get better because she has already done that before. She says that I have to show her that I want to be with her and that she can trust me, but at the same time she has to live her life...so do you really think I should tell her that if she wants to see other people, its over and I we can't be together?

[ladybug726]

Her whole thing is that she still says there is a chance that we will get back together, but she isn't going to wait around for me to get better because she has already done that before. She says that I have to show her that I want to be with her and that she can trust me, but at the same time she has to live her life...so do you really think I should tell her that if she wants to see other people, its over and I we can't be together?

 

Yikes. Well, this is really up to you.

 

If you decide to stick it through, seriously prepare yourself for the possibility that she might mean it. Think about this possibility before you make your decision. Can you handle knowing she's with other people? Will you even want to keep trying if she does? When will you decide enough is enough? Where are you going to draw the line?

 

Can you forgive her if she does? Don't let her pin this on you if she does. She may try to guilt you. But realistically, I assume you will be hurt if she does start seeing other people. So, can you actually forgive that?

 

Think about these things before you decide.

[ladybug726]

she isn't going to wait around for me to get better because she has already done that before.

 

Can you elaborate on this?

[You and Me]

Meaning, we have had rough patches before and she has always given me another chance. So do you think I should just be firm and tell her that if she wants to see other people there is no chance of us getting back together?

[waveseer]

You need to ask her to see a relationship counselor or marriage counselor with you. If she agrees then there is hope, if not then I'm sorry.