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So upset about what this means, please help...


mca1975

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In short, I have been so very happy over the last few months since me and my boyfriend got together. Its been a little hard as I have some issues with commitment etc. but it seemed so easy and like nothing else before. I felt in love with him and he adores me. We have been best friends for over a year and he was always there for me, which made me fall for him after he admitted he had feelings for me and was in love with me.

 

Now we spent a lot of time together, which I wanted, it was bliss. I felt so happy, he has met the family and I really thought that I could move in with him even!

 

Something has changed and I am so upset. He is getting on my nerves and I am snapping at him. I dont look forward to seeing him as much as I used to. I am guilty of not being honest when I want to spend time alone and I think this has made me resentful. A relationship is always hard for me, I cant get the right balance and feel easily smothered, yet at times I feel very needy myself. Its so confusing. I have been very hurt in the past and find it hard to trust but I trust him 100%, he adores me.

 

My boyfriend is so hurt now as he does not understand what is wrong. I figured it is because we have just been in each other's pockets too much and thats why I am snapping, I felt better that I figured that out, but when I explained to him he felt hurt and confused, which is to be expected, and now I feel awful. He says he feels like my heart is not in this. This is so hard. In some ways I feel like leaving it alone as its too hard to deal with, but then I know that I love him and I will be miserable without him. I want this to work, but why do I suddenly feel like this about him??? He is lovely to me..... Im so upset, can anyone shed any light?

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This is where you really start talking to each other... Tell him exactly what you said here, that it is nothing to do with him, and has more to do with your intimacy issues that you need to deal with. Then you schedule some personal counseling immediately to deal with it. You can tell a counselor what is going on with the relationship and your feelings about the relationship, and learn techniques to deal with your anxieties without destroying the relationship.

 

If he is a great person, and the relationship is great other than these claustrophobic symptoms, then if you don't get counseling now and correct this, you most likely will never have a successful relationship, and will lose this one and go thru a series of empty relationships.

 

I am going to be blunt and say when you are young you can hop from guy to guy and find a replacement every few years, but when you get on the high side of your 40s, you may well find yourself alone and staying that way. It is not impossible to find love when you are older, but your opportunities are few and far between.

 

Stop your panic by asking yourself, what do you want from life, and do you want a partner and marriage or not? If you want marriage and a family, then you need to bite the bullet and accept that you need therapy now to fix your intimacy issues. YOu've talked about this a lot in other threads, and need to deal with it if you don't want this guy to get away.

 

I think the problem here is your issues, and you need to deal with that with a counselor who is trained to help you past them. Explain to your boyfriend what you've told us here, and tell him you are going to go to therapy NOW to get past this and appreciate his patience. Some things can't be ignored and they don't go away without treatment, and this appears to be one of them since you have a habit of either choosing unavailable men (and being miserable but 'comfortable' with the distance), or pushing away really good guys who try to love you.

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It is very difficult to tell a partner that you need alone time without it sounding like you need time without him and that is hurtful. Since you seem to have hurt him the chances are that he is going to withdraw from you and that will renew your fears about commitment. And so the cycle continues.

 

You need to repair that very soon because damage has been done. So he will need to know that you love him and that will take more than just saying it. You will need to show it.

 

As for the need for alone time - don't refer to it again. Just do it. Join something - like a gym - that means an evening a week or whatever where you have activities that don't include him but don't give the impression you are avoiding him.

 

Next time you have an issue like this don't snap at him - solve it before you start doing that.

 

And remember what I said about repairing the damage you have done because otherwise this will corrode the relationship. Don't be surprised if he is very wary of you for a while. He may already be wondering if this relationship is working for him.

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He is! I feel awful. I know he loves me with all his heart, but he does not want to get hurt either. I hate that this has happened. I have explained this to him, tho he is still feeling hurt. I have lived on my own for years and years and it is so hard now to get used to sharing my life totally with someone, as we have been doing, I feel very resentful.

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Well, if you can't make the adjustment from being alone to being with someone perhaps you really aren't ready for a relationship at all - or at least, not with this man.

 

Some people are just better suited to being alone all their life - there is no law that says you have to be with someone.

 

You may be able to find someone who is as detached as you are in which case that would be great. But if he is the sort of person who wants a companion as well as a lover and likes to share his life more than you do then there is a basic incompatibility that will be hard to overcome.

 

It doesn't make you wrong to be like this but it would be wrong to stay with him if neither of you can give the other what they need.

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Perhaps you are coming out of the honeymoon phase sooner than he is. Or, perhaps you have realised that you need to take it slower because of your past hurts?

 

I'm sure you two can resolve this. You obviously care very much about him and him about you. And it's early days yet for the relationship.. a few hiccups doesn't mean its doomed.

 

Just be really careful about snapping at him in the future. If you feel the need to snap - just take a deep breath and ask yourself first if you really want to hurt someone you love and who loves you.

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indigo77, thank you for that advice. I feel so much better, I worked out with the help of my mum and sister that we were spending too much time together/going too fast which is no good for me seeing as I have this fear of engulfment/abandonment.

 

I have lived on my own for years and this sudden change has totally freaked me, but I have chosen to take some space which he has agreed to, tho we are still spending some time together! He is wonderful. I am now in training it seems to be a new me, one that is not afraid of losing herself in a relationship or of being rejected. I can feel positive changes are being made already.

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I think it's because being with someone unavailable - while painful for you - is much more familiar to you in a strange way and it allows you not to get close (since the person is unavailable).

 

I won't repeat the advice you've received so far - it's great and I totally agree - but I will ask whether you find him too insecure/needy and that that is the problem rather than needing space.

 

Also I think you are putting too much pressure on yourself to feel "in love" in such a short time and with a person who is available - both require pretty significant changes from your past patterns, right?

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Hi Batya33,

 

He is not too insecure/needy at all. I have other people's word that he is not. He is quite relaxed and when I calmly think about it, he is very easy-going.

 

I believe that this has come about as it was all going too quickly for me and yes, it was too much of a big change for me to handle, so we have discussed it and are going slower. I was ready to end this last week, I felt awful as didnt even want to! I was absolutely panic-stricken and could not understand why, but now I feel almost back to normal now, it's amazing really how some space and a good talk can change your view on things and make you feel calmer.

 

This is a pattern I keep repeating, which must be broken.

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Starting Over In a Relationship - Beginners Guide

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