Maple Posted January 16, 2009 Share Posted January 16, 2009 I'm brand spankin new to the forums, and extremely glad I found a place to discuss this situation with others. The current standing: I've been in a LDR for about a year now, and everything is going pretty swell. I'm moving to close our distance of 2000 miles, and going back to school while pusuing my relationship; we have our difference of opinions on things, but we touched a topic that I fear could undermine everything and I don't know what to do. The backstory: I've known my girlfriend for the better part of 10 years, she was my senior pastors daughter, and we dated a little while in high school. We were young and dumb and hurt eachother pretty badly through that time, but managed to salvage a friendship out of all of it and always talked inbetween relationships and such. The topic of controversy: I am a recreational drug user; and I emphasize recreational. I enjoy smoking marijuana, and wouldn't mind eating mushrooms a few moretimes. I dont smoke or trip daily, weekly, or even monthly; and I dont feel wrong for doing these things so long as they dont disrupt my livelihood or capability to lead a productive life. For instance, I decide to go on a camping trip in the summer, I'd like to take a little marijuana with me to enjoy and relax. Therein lies the problem, my girlfriend seems pretty adamant about my total abstinence from drugs. I believe it falls back to when we were younger and I abused and experimented with alot of different kinds of drugs and got mixed up in a pretty rough crowd, and her association with me and that phase of my life. I since then have pretty much all but quit drug use, been a productive human, and got back into school. I love this girl and have been totally transparent and honest with her from the start, its just that we are both looking into the long term (marriage eventually) and I dont know what to do. I have talked to a few friends and have gotten two different opinions; first to just lie and do them (out of sight out of mind) and avoid the argument and hassle, and second to tell her flat out how I feel and ask if she can deal with that being part of the total package that is me. Whats your opinion? Any feedback would begreat thanks! Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted January 16, 2009 Share Posted January 16, 2009 Well, since you are not interested in giving up recreational drug use you might have to be prepared to give her up. I don't blame her for her stand...she saw you abusing drugs and has seen that you have never given it up...it doesn't matter that you are better than before, you are still doing it...if you move in together then she will have drugs in the house...she will be subjected to your drug taking friends...she will have to deal with you coming home stoned whenever you choose to indulge. Even if she says okay fine, because she really wants to be with you, this will inevitably cause problems down the line because she will end up resenting it every time you indulge in this particular illegal pasttime. If you give it up just to please her than inevitably you will go back to it and start hiding it from her...then when she eventually finds out the lying and covering up will damage the relationship. It sounds to me like you two have very different values with regards to drug use...like alcohol use, gambling, whether or not not have children, and money management differences, this difference of values will inevitably destroy the relationship over time. Link to comment
Timebandit Posted January 16, 2009 Share Posted January 16, 2009 I believe it falls back to when we were younger and I abused and experimented with alot of different kinds of drugs, and her association with me and that phase of my life. I have talked to a few friends and have gotten two different opinions; first to just lie and do them (out of sight out of mind) and avoid the argument and hassle, and second to tell her flat out how I feel and ask if she can deal with that being part of the total package that is me. First step is to reckon, that there is no inherent correct way to deal with this. Apparently, she has an emotional reaction to your stance on recreational drug use. You have a different opinion. Fair enough. I do however wonder why such recreational drug use (monthly or even less?) means so much to you? It seems more a point of principle or pride, than out of an essential need. In any case, don't sacrifice self-integrity by lieing to her. Instead, make up your own decision; either you take a stance that you will keep your recreational drug use (and communicate it clearly to her) or instead you skip your drug using habits. Your mileage may vary. Link to comment
Maple Posted January 16, 2009 Author Share Posted January 16, 2009 Thanks for the replies! That is some definite food for thought Crazyaboutdogs. It is totally true what you say, but I guess I dont know where the line is to be drawn, there are a few things that we have totally opposing thoughts on and I dont believe that two people will ever have the exact same stance on everything, life is compromises. We have plenty of common ground, its just a few things that rub in a displeasing fashion. And I agree with you TimeBandit, it does come down to the two. Its not so much a pride thing though, as it is a value thing. I dont inherently believe that indulging Occasionally is wrong or bad any more than a having an occasional beer, shot, or cigarette. You both make very good points, thank you again! Link to comment
csharp48 Posted January 16, 2009 Share Posted January 16, 2009 well i think this person got it pretty spot on. i understand where you are coming from in the use of recreational drugs every couple of months, luckly i have a girlfriend who understands and partakes with me. So pretty much you two can discuss it but most likely you are going to have to make a decision, which will probably fall prey to the situation described by crazyaboutdogs. Honestly the best you can hope for is for both of you to come to an understand about your drug use. Link to comment
Maple Posted January 16, 2009 Author Share Posted January 16, 2009 In reply to CrazyaboutDogs saying she has seen me abuse and not stop using; As far as the giving it up, I have been clean for two years now, I cleaned up for my job working with high voltages and leadacid as well as RF antenna. She knows that i've been clean too. and i wouldn't have any paraphenelia of any sorts or drugs in the house really ever when and if we ever moved in together. Link to comment
Bad Wolf Posted January 16, 2009 Share Posted January 16, 2009 whats more important to you, drugs or her? Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted January 16, 2009 Share Posted January 16, 2009 Thanks for the replies! That is some definite food for thought Crazyaboutdogs. It is totally true what you say, but I guess I dont know where the line is to be drawn, there are a few things that we have totally opposing thoughts on and I dont believe that two people will ever have the exact same stance on everything, life is compromises. We have plenty of common ground, its just a few things that rub in a displeasing fashion. And I agree with you TimeBandit, it does come down to the two. Its not so much a pride thing though, as it is a value thing. I dont inherently believe that indulging Occasionally is wrong or bad any more than a having an occasional beer, shot, or cigarette. You both make very good points, thank you again! Couples won't necessarily agree on everything and people can come to a meeting of the minds on issues..but some issues can't be compromised on because they go to the core of a person. She is strongly against drug use, even occasional drug use and you see nothing wrong with occasional drug use......those are core values that each of you have that are not going to change...and a compromise on this, either way is going to lead to resentment down the line. This is not a trivial matter to sort out. Link to comment
Maple Posted January 16, 2009 Author Share Posted January 16, 2009 whats more important to you, drugs or her? Its the principle (lol I guess Timebandit got it there) its like if you were to say red meat or her, and well... i'd go with red meat. I wouldn't force my lust of redmeat on a vegetarian or be disappointed for their choice (and it seems CrazyAboutDogs got this one lol) it comes down to that persons choice. I accept things about family/lovers that i dont particularly agree with because I love them. I accept about everything short of something lethally dangerous. I believe that being in love and in a relationship is the willful union of two whole people. when one dominates, the other ceases to be who they are and a vestige of that person is left, I dont want any of that to happen to either of us. When concessions are made on both sides.... wait I think im onto something here... I think I just need to talk to her, and make my move from there. I'm still moving out of state and going to school in her city in 2 weeks, so feel free to throw more feedback before I have a chance to talk to her. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted January 16, 2009 Share Posted January 16, 2009 What concessions could the two of you make in this regard? Link to comment
Bad Wolf Posted January 16, 2009 Share Posted January 16, 2009 She has a valid reason for not wanting you to do drugs, if it was something as stupid as red meat then yeah, i'd go with the red meat just cause shes being stupid but like I said, she has a valid reason for not wanting you to do them. This is obviously very important to her, if you wont give them up then you'll most likely have to give the relationship up. Link to comment
Maple Posted January 16, 2009 Author Share Posted January 16, 2009 What concessions could the two of you make in this regard? Have a talk first to see if she was even remotely open to the idea of seeing that it is different now, and hash out exactly where she stands (because as of now its mostly speculation as to her reasoning). My usage now to what it was then, is as a responsible adult attends a wine tasting is to a high-school liqour cabinet binge. I'm banking on the history theory so I would propose a litmus test so to speak. I would suggest an occasion where I would like to indulge, on an outing with the lady, to spend the day with me and see what i'm all about exactly and if there's still no ground gained then i'll just quit indefinitely and get a motorcycle (she's not a fan of that either, but i gotta have a buzz once in a while somehow, THC or adrenaline) All in allthe relationship is in its budding stages, we're about to really start seeing eachother literally, so we might find we hate eachother. I just like to hash everything out in the beginning. Link to comment
Maple Posted January 16, 2009 Author Share Posted January 16, 2009 She has a valid reason for not wanting you to do drugs, if it was something as stupid as red meat then yeah, i'd go with the red meat just cause shes being stupid but like I said, she has a valid reason for not wanting you to do them. This is obviously very important to her, if you wont give them up then you'll most likely have to give the relationship up. I agree wolf, it is important to her, and I am guilty of not really inquiring the details of that, as well as delaying the conversation until I had sometime to mull things about in my head and here =) thanks for the input! Link to comment
Bad Wolf Posted January 16, 2009 Share Posted January 16, 2009 I agree wolf, it is important to her, and I am guilty of not really inquiring the details of that, as well as delaying the conversation until I had sometime to mull things about in my head and here =) thanks for the input! glad i could help. Link to comment
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