Straight chick loves Gay Man

[midwestchick]

So we have been friends for years. He loves me and I love him. Sex can be achieved thru others but the love and connection is clearly between the two of us. Will it ever work? Is it possible? I am so really very conflicted. Any gay men have any advice for me?

[chocolates]

been there done that

 

Brief rundown:

He will find a man who can give him both sex and love, and you will be left bawling. wretched and pathetic.

 

It never works.

[whes]

I had a relationship with a closet gay man (he didn't know, I didn't know) and it was absolute heartache. The feelings of self-doubt, overwhelming misery, I hated myself because I wasn't good enough for him to love me.

 

years later, now that he's out, we still have a very close, intimate relationship. I love him, he loves me. If he hadn't come out, we likely would have married, but would have been miserable. No, it will not work. You can still have a very close friendship, but do not enter into a relationship or even hope for one, because it will break your heart.

[live.ur.life]

I have never heard of anything like this. How could this work? Don't you want a husband that you can have kids with? A future? I don't think you would achieve any of those things out of a relationship like the one you described. Just my input.

[1WayTicket2Norway]

So we have been friends for years. He loves me and I love him. Sex can be achieved thru others but the love and connection is clearly between the two of us. Will it ever work? Is it possible? I am so really very conflicted. Any gay men have any advice for me?

Well, i'm gay and i dont know if i can give you any advice but i can give a gay man's point of view of the whole situation.

If my best friend told me she was inlove with me, i dont think that our relationship would be as strong as it used to be. This is because i would constantly feel guilty for not being able to give her what she wants. i would also hate the fact that she essentially loves me more than i love her,no matter how much i love her. that kind of imbalance in a relationship is never good.i would also probably start to distance myself from her so as not to give her false hope that there might be the possibility for a romantic relationship to form. i know what it's like to have false hopes about relationships that will never happen... absolute torture! and i wouldn't want my friend to go through that.Also...to me sex is a vital part in a romantic relationship... sure, i suppose that my sexual needs can be satisfied by others, but that wouldn't stop me from falling in love with my sexual partners, and leaving her.So if youre friend is anything like me... it would most probably not work out.Try channelling all your emotions into the friendship and try to find love (in the romantic sense) elsewhere. it will save you a lot of heartache.

Hope this helps *

[whes]

Been there, done all of that. It is very unfair to both people. It's just not a pretty situation and nobody comes out of it unscathed. Read some of my other posts on this if you get a chance ( ), because the last thing I want is someone going thru the same thing. It's awful.

[gardengnome]

Donnnn't Dooooo it. You don't realize you're a broken record among other first time-posters on this forum.

[midwestchick]

I really appreciate your input. I actually told him 3 years ago that I loved him, like a man and not just like a friend. Part of me wanted him to pull away to make it easier but he hasnt. He also has no interest in a "regular" relationship with a man. He hasnt been in a relationship for 14 years and he is only 40 years old. So I am married with kids and have this bizarre relationship with a gay man who calls me 4 times a day, texts me, emails me and all of that. He acts as if we are in a relationship, we sleep in the same bed, we travel and vacation together. It feels so natural but I keep wondering if the floor will drop out of it at some point.

[unabashed]

I really appreciate your input. I actually told him 3 years ago that I loved him, like a man and not just like a friend. Part of me wanted him to pull away to make it easier but he hasnt. He also has no interest in a "regular" relationship with a man. He hasnt been in a relationship for 14 years and he is only 40 years old. So I am married with kids and have this bizarre relationship with a gay man who calls me 4 times a day, texts me, emails me and all of that. He acts as if we are in a relationship, we sleep in the same bed, we travel and vacation together. It feels so natural but I keep wondering if the floor will drop out of it at some point.

 

You are describing the relationship between two best friends...two best girlfriends, even. You love one another, but it isn't the love of romantic partners. I think your husband must be very open to be accepting of the closeness of your relationship with your friend. Not that I think you shouldn't have friends, but he clearly impinges on your time and enegry for your husband. Most married women with children do not have the time to text their best friend four times a day, go on vacation with them, and I'll bet very few are sleeping in the same bed--without sex. From your few sentences, it seems that you and your friend have developed a way to stay connected, at the expense of real intimacy in both of your lives. This isn't why you're seeking advice, so I'll stop after saying I'm not sure what the problem is, but the solution would be to refocus on the man who married you and who is so open about your friendship. All the best!

[pianoguy]

I think this whole situation is just a fantasy relationship. On some level you know there will never be anything between you so in some ways its perfect for you. Does your husband know you are sleeping together??? Is there a problem with your real marriage?