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Wife's weight


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Obviously, he still loves her or he would have left her 15 years ago.

There's a difference between loving someone and being attracted to them and losing attraction to your partner can become detrimental. Even then, this is only one of the issues here. The change in lifestyles has been a negative influence on their lives as well.

(If you want a great example of this, there's an episode of The Simpsons called 'King Size Homer", that illustrates this perfectly)

And if he didn't love her, he wouldn't be trying so hard to help her or tell her the truth, he would have just left her or cheated on her.

He hasn't done those things.

Clearly, the health issues are a large concern as the children have grown concerned as well.

 

OP, obviously you can't do anything for her. She has to want to change.

I'm sorry this has affected your marriage so negatively. Of course, nothing would be an overnight process. And correct me if I'm wrong, but I think what is bothering you more than anything is her non chalant attitude at this point ?

 

It might be time to lay all the cards on the table , and let her know that while you love her, your marriage simply cannot survive with these issues between you. I think directness is your only option.

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I haven't read this whole thread so maybe these ideas have already been suggested.

 

Get her into Over-Eaters Anonymous. That way she'll have help from people who know what she's going through. It can be easy to rebel against people who don't have this problem, but if they're going through it too it should help.

 

Get her a personal trainer. Aim for 2-3 times a week if you can afford it.

 

A nutritionist. Half the battle is learning about it so you can make healthier decisions every single time you eat.

 

Good luck. I can only imagine how frustrating this problem must be. I mean, she should at least TRY for you. That's what people do for the ones they love.

 

Maybe also have her see the doc to have her thyroid checked (I know she has an eating problem, but this might be making it worse if she's tired all the time) and about depression too. She should definitely see a therapist... I bet her self esteem is pretty low.

 

Also, if you can actually get her on board with any of these things, have her look into CLA.. and chromium if she tends to crave sugary foods.

 

If you can get her to do these things and start being active, be VERY SUPPORTIVE. Be like a little corny cheerleader in her corner. Once she sees all the positive attention she's getting from it, it will be likely to help keep it up.

 

Try to approach it in a very gentle, caring manner. Like "Hey sweetie, you know I love you so much but we both know you've gained a bit of weight. So I thought maybe we could look into some of these things? I just want you to be happy and healthy." If you bully her she'll snub it off.

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My bf has put on over 80 lbs. or more in the nine years we've been together. I still love him and want him. Love is not about weight, it goes deeper than that. I truly love him and would love him if he put on another 80 lbs. I would be worried about his health, but I would still love and want him. Isn't that what love is truly about? Or is it a totally asthetic thing with most people? That isn't love, not at all.

 

Maybe you don't have a problem with laziness or a person who has a total disregard for their health and appearance. Some people do, and it can definitely strain a relationship that was very loving. You can fall out of love with somebody, and someone who has no regard for their appearance (i am not talking anything big here, just an overall wanting to look nice at least on occasion) and who is too lazy to ever exercise and has no control over what they put in their mouths can absolutely turn off a partner.

 

You can still love a person and not be attracted to them physically anymore. And that is what it sounds like here. Just because you don't have a problem with your partner's weight gain doesn't mean that the OP who does doesn't love his wife. I don't find that to be fair at all. He sounds like he DOES love her which is why he is writing this thread, he is just getting turned off by her total lack of control and what sounds like laziness to boot.

 

There is little that turns me off more than laziness. If my SO refused to work out if he started packing on a lot of weight it surely will affect my desire for him. I doubt i'd fall out of love but i woluld not be as interested in being intimate.

 

I think it is very unfair to suggest the OP doesn't love his wife for having these concerns.

 

And in all fairness, a man of average height who puts on 80 lbs won't likely look quite as bad as a woman who might be 5'5 or under (or even 5'8!) putting on 100 lbs!

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Can I just say.. from the point of view of someone who was absolutely obsessed with and in love with the gym.. if you are trying to lose weight... don't even bother with exercise. It's ALL about portion control.

 

Exercise just makes you hungry and eat more. Not knocking exercise.. used to be my no. 1 passion.. but really.. its not how you lose weight.. Just my non-expert opinion ;-)

 

Edited to add: The above only applies for cardio work-outs. I suspect doing weights and building some muscle tone actually does help you lose weight.

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You're not shallow. It's difficult when you work hard to achieve a certain level of fitness and your partner refuses to do the same.

 

At the same time, if there is one thing I know about women it's that just because they ask you for your opinion that doesn't mean they actually want to hear it. They want you to say what they want you to say... nothing more, nothing less.

 

If she really is lamenting her weight increase, try inviting her to join you at the gym. She'll probably appreciate what she sees as interest in spending time with her, and it may help to eliminate some of the nerves she may have about going on her own.

 

Along the same lines, maybe start inviting her to go on daily walks with you. Warning though, she may expect you talk about things or listen to her talk about things while you're walking.

 

As far as the eating goes, I think you'll just have to keep setting a good example. If she really is over-eating due to depression, she should be seeing a professional about. This may be something else you'll have to offer to join her with.

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i am really sorry to hear all of this. i think you need to lay everything on the line. i agree that the weight is partially having to do with her depression/emotional issues. 20 lbs is one thing, 100 lbs is a whole different thing!!! 100 lbs is really unhealthy, and she is putting herself at risk of all sorts of diseases, cancer, shorter life, higher health care costs, etc... you married someone fit and active, and although you can't stop the aging process (we will all go grey and get wrinkles and not look as good as we did when we were 23), you also should expect her to somewhat resemble the same person she used to be.

 

i would just tell her what you told us. that you miss the old days, of going on hikes together, playing sports together. and also, i would just tell her you are not as attracted to her physically as you used to be. it's harsh, but you know, it's true.

 

is there something you can do to help? maybe look after the kids, and do more household chores so she can make her way to the gym? what about cooking for the family (choose healthy recipes).

 

i'm a lifetime member of weight watchers, i really love the program, i highly recommend it. 240 lbs is very dangerous and she is putting herself at significant risk, and i think it's very loving to want your partner to be healthy and happy. she can't tell us that she is happy at 240.

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