Wife's weight

[shikashika]

What your wife has done is awful.

 

100 pounds?!?! She has no respect for you or herself or her family. You are not being shallow at all.

 

There's a point where some tough love needs to be instituted. Someone needs to tell her, "Gain anymore weight and you'll die"

 

Being gentle and sugar coating (no sugar tho!! ) will not do anyone any favours.

 

unfortunately she has to want to do it and it doesn't sound like she is interested.

 

does she work? can she walk to work? do anything to at least start making her more active??

[thejigsup]

Wow! Do any of you really love anyone? I can see being concerned about her weight, but threats never work! Don't you take vows that cover these things? Oh well, I'll get off my soapbox and go back to my man.

[DaBladeRoden]

Hrm, she's gonna have to want it for herself if anything's ever going to get done about it. Sounds like she's being stubborn though, at this point I'd say it's a love it or leave it situation.

[shikashika]

Wow! Do any of you really love anyone? I can see being concerned about her weight, but threats never work! Don't you take vows that cover these things? Oh well, I'll get off my soapbox and go back to my man.

 

 

I do. I would love someone enough to know that their health is in danger.

 

Maybe fitness and health is not as important to you as it is to some of us.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

Wow! Do any of you really love anyone? I can see being concerned about her weight, but threats never work! Don't you take vows that cover these things? Oh well, I'll get off my soapbox and go back to my man.

 

I'm with you.

[WhatThe]

It is more than looks, it is also the inability to be active that I resent about my wife's weight gain. I think many of you who are saying it is no big deal have never dealt with a spouse who is so radically altered.

 

I did not marry my current lifestyle. We used to ride bikes, jog, hike, camp together. None of these are possible now. When we go anywhere together, I have to walk about half my normal walking speed, because she can't walk at a normal pace. We have to take elevators, even for one flight of stairs. She twists an ankle or tweaks her knee or back about five times a year, and can't even walk for a few days. Still, she swears she is 'healthy'.

 

Yes, a sex life is important to me, but that is not the main factor in my frustration. But as an example for the sex issue, let me give you an analogy. Ladies, imagine your man went hunting for five days. He camped outside, got dirty, couldn't shower, didn't brush his teeth. Then he pops in the door after his trip and immediately wants to make love. What would you do? You would say hold it, lover. Take a shower, wash your hair, shave, brush your teeth and come back and we'll make love.

 

Now imagine what it feels like to feel the same way about your spouse ALL OF THE TIME. And it can't be fixed by 30 minutes in the bathroom.

[Tethys]

Whatthe,

 

I understand. First, yes, you are allowed to be a bit shallow. I asked my own husband to tell me if I started gaining too much weight, and to warn me before it became a problem. (Pregnancy excluded, of course.)

 

(Check out my thread on my own weight gain after a leg injury.)

 

Also, sounds like you two had a very active lifestyle, that she has since abandoned.

 

Maybe she hasn't abandoned it completely -- perhaps entice her to more walks, etc?

 

Ultimately, yes, someone else said it, you can't make her change her mind or habits. She has to make the decision. She has to decide to get healthy for herself first, and then for you and your children.

[.piper.]

I don't think its shallow at all. I am a very active person and am attracted to physically fit men. Being overweight is something that is a complete turn off for me (some people like it, to each their own).

 

I would not be comfortable being intimate with someone who had more than 100 lbs extra on their body. Even if you love someone, I think it would be hard to get past that, especially if they used to take care of themselves.

 

I want to be with someone who cares about their lifestyle and their body. Thats not too much to ask I don't think. I would be extremely upset if they gained an excess amount of weight.

[blue69]

Certainly feel for you on this challenging time.

 

Dealing with someone who has given up on a healthy lifestyle is challenging. It does impact a relationship. The part that probably angers you most is you feel it is a deliberate or purposeful action on her part. Meaning if she had gotten injured and that resulted in some weight gain, it is easier to adjust/accept. When someone allows themselves to slowly fall into this it is harder to ignore. The blame game begins.

 

Sounds like you have been trying to encourage her to rethink her bahaviors. It also sounds like you are unsuccessful. I would strongly suggest counseling for the two of you. You can't control her or force her into a lifestyle that she doesn't want. But you can communicate about your emotions and feelings. You are not shallow to desire a healthy partner in your life.

 

The impacts that the "weight" has on other aspects of life (not just sex) is very real.

[amtjrtcet]

Tell me one thing

 

What's going to happen in 30 years when she's wrinkled, grey and all that jazz?

 

Wrinkled and gray is one thing, fat is a whole nother story.

[Applewhite]

I think you have to convince her to go to a doctor. One that can make her REALIZE she is overweight and eating wrong, and that can explain to her how she should eat/live what the right portions are compared to what she is eating. Some people just don't realize how overweight they are and what they are doing bad.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

Here is an article that might give you some good information. It's about compulsive overeaters and what benefits they can get from going to OA, which is free of charge. I only strongly suggest OA because I know it has helped me so much. When someone gains 100 pounds or more, you know there is something wrong more than what health education can take care of. That is just a lot, lot, lot of weight, and you know your wife is miserable. This is going to be far more productive than nagging.

 

link removed

 

I also recommend trying to deal with your resentments. And I strongly recommend figuring out just what exactly is your goal, your desired outcome. It sounds like your goal is just keeping your wife, but she is thinner and you two have your life back together.

 

But what if she can't do that?

 

In a situation like this one, you have to realize that you have no control. You've seen your reminders, your comments, your 'help' (which I only put in quotes because she doesn't see it that way), all backfire. Ready to try something new?

 

It may be really hard, but try just being loving and lovingly explaining what you need. Lovingly suggest OA. Give her the website and leave it at that. I'm sure she wants to please you but probably feels like she is in a losing game and can't change the outcome. Heck, you could even offer to go with her to her first meeting if she feels scared.

 

In the meantime, I suggest that you live life as if. You live life as if she were thinner. You get your hobbies, you go out and be active, go hiking, etc. You don't have to give up those activities. And you're going to feel a lot better when you find that yes, you can still do those things, just not with her for now.

 

Are you tired of being angry? Are you tired of being resentful? Are you thinking, 'I don't like feeling this way all the time'? It probably doesn't feel good to see your wife being so miserable, to see her feeling so futile and ugly. Well, I'm here to tell you that you don't have to feel that way. You can worry about your side of the street until she decides to clean hers up. You can hike by yourself. You can bike by yourself. You can do all these things by yourself or with a friend.

 

Sometimes when we just focus inward, other things take care of themselves. Just don't decide the outcome before investigating. She is the problem, but she's also not. You're a part of the problem, insofar as how you deal with things and how you manage your own feelings, you know what I mean?

[FarthestEdge]

Well, I can maybe shed some light for you from the other side.....

 

I gained 10 lbs when I quit smoking. It's only 10 lbs, I thought. And I quit smoking- the 10 extra pounds has to be healthier than a pack a day habit...

 

I gained 10 lbs when I had a miscarriage. Hey- I could've drowned my sorrows in alcohol instead, right? It's only 10 pounds, I'll lose it....

 

Then I had 2 more miscarriages ...another 20 lbs

 

Yet I managed to have 2 9-1/2 lb babies and in the end not gain any personal weight...

 

But here I am, 40 lbs heavier than I was 6 years ago. And I was no size 6 to begin with...

 

But now I have a baby, and I will NOT starve myself when I am breastfeeding. It's about nutrition at this point, not diet. So while my weight is S-L-O-W-L-Y coming off, I am still much heavier than I ought to be....

 

God Bless my husband, he still wants to have sex with me. I don't know why or how, 'cause I wouldn't.

 

But here's the thing. I've been this weight before. I can tell you that I have learned a few things about myself.

 

I have an unhealthy relationship with food. I am an emotional eater. When I am depressed, I eat. When I am tired, I eat. When I am sad, I eat. When I am deprived of something else -be it attention, time for myself, sleep, or the freedom to spend money on myself without guilt- my good friend chocolate is always there.

 

As for losing weight.....

 

The more overweight you are, the harder it is to stay motivated. When you are 10 lbs overweight, losing 5 lbs is a big accomplishment. When you are 100 lbs overweight, losing 5 pounds could be from shedding water- and it may be right back tomorrow. It is HARD to stay motivated when the results don't SEEM to come.I've never felt like I had even BEGUN to lose weight until after the first 10 pounds..

 

Your wife knows she's overweight. She knows she's unhealthy. She know you don't like it- and every day she has an inner dialogue that beats herself up for it. She either thinks "Tomorrrow, I'll do better"(Good), or "I am just going to be fat for the rest of my life"(Very BAD).

 

What can you do?

Look for small incremental changes. For the sake of health. Change to brown bread. go from 2% milk to 1% milk (or 1% to skim if you can). Take a little less cream in the coffee. Suggest she try these changes for ONE WEEK and see if she can get used to them.

 

Tell her you love her, and want an active future together. Ask her what she needs from you to help her find the healthy person you know she is capable of being. What some need as encouragement is destructive to the efforts of others. So let her tell you what she needs.

 

I personally don't appreciate the assumption that because a person "allows" themselves to gain weight over the years means that they are disrespecting you and your relationship. Fitness and good health is important. But it isn't always every persons first priority. I'd love to make myself my first priority. But I have kids, a job to support our lifestyle, schoolwork- which comes after work and the little time I already have for my family.. I don't mean to sound like a martyr, because I choose this life, but my priorities are that my family and our financial security and future comes before me being a perfect size 6. Don't assume because I'm not on a treadmill that I must be in front of the tv with a bag of chips thinking "Well this will show him I don't care about my marriage" I simply place other elements of our lives together as more important than being physically perfect. So I do what I can, get to the gym when I can, and hope that my husband will appreciate that while I don't look like a supermodel, I don't act like one either(Naomi Campbell anyone? No wonder she's so angry- girl needs a sandwhich!).

 

So to the OP, I have to ask- What DOES your wife bring to the relationship? Can you try to focus more on that? I'm not saying this isn't important, but maybe if you can focus more on what's right in your marriage, it will help you hang in there until she finds her path to losing some of that weight. Someone else said that this is entirely up to her- and it is. All you can do is ask her how you can support her, and continue to love the other parts of her.

 

Believe it or not, I am motivated by the fact that my husband continues to find me attractive despite my current weight/physical condition. The fact that he can see past my imperfections and still love the person I am makes me WANT to give him the body he used to enjoy. He does deserve it- and he will get it eventually.

 

Hope something in here helps.

[penelope13]

weight is such an emotion-heavy issue! and i think (no offense meant to anyone!!!) the answers you'll get are highly dependent on the relationship of the poster with their own weight.

 

but in some ways it is the "easiest" emotional issue you can come accross, because it is the only one that you can clearly measure and put into numbers. none of the other issues discussed on this forum can be measured as accurately (how would you rate moody, inattentive, insensitive,.....?).

 

100lbs weight gain is a lot, there is no way around it.

 

it doesn't have to mean that you should stop loving your wife because of that, but i totally understand that you might not find it attractive, or that you are concerned about the healthy issues involved with this weight gain.

 

when you married her you had a certain lifestyle, but you must also have been aware that things may change over time. we are all getting older and we all don't look anymore the same as we did when we were 18. so in this respect you have to be a bit more forgiving.

 

however the health issue and your diminished attraction (you have a right to this as much as anyone else saying they don't mind their partner gaining weight) is important enough to be addressed.

 

food (like anything else) can become an addiction. i cannot make any guesses as to why it has become an issue/ addiction, but 100lbs is usually beyond weight gain due to pregnancy.

 

since it is most likely an addiction you have to treat it as such, meaning at a certain point tiptoeing around the subject will not be sufficient to induce a change.

 

her defensiveness and anger are simply means (very efficient ones) to get you to back off.

 

If you are truly concerned about her health this should not stop you from seeking help for her by any and all means.

 

But you can do it in a supportive way: first inform yourself, talk to your doctor, read up on it for ideas how to help someone lose way in an affirmative way; try to incorporate more family activities etc

[tangi39]

I can understand your concern. It's not just aesthetic, it is concern for her health and your altered lifestyle together.

 

I think it may be time for you to just be honest with her. You can address this in a loving way so it doesn't come accross as harsh.

Tell her how much you love her, but that her weight gain is taking a toll on your marriage. Then explain how it has done so.

Also, have information ready- If you don't feel comfortable doing this alone,

perhaps you could have some friends and family help- Or you suggest looking at your options together.

 

It's true that she won't do anything until she wants to. Maybe if she knew

that this is an issue that is coming between you and could potentially dissolve your marriage, she may have a greater desire to take action.

 

Just make sure you know what you are going to say. The important thing is to remain calm and discuss this as mature adults in a non-threatening way.

Assure her that you are discussing this because you DO love her and you want to try to resolve this now before things between you cannot be repaired.

[Ninotschka]

Are your children okay with the situation? I remember that as a teen I always complained about my mother being obsessed with healthy food, but now I realize that it taught me a lot - after all, she stayed under 100lbs all her life apart from her pregnancy (she's only 5'4), and she's 60. In the meantime, many of my friends who had one of both parents overweight ended up overweight too, because they never learned how to eat properly, and when they hit their 30's it all came back to haunt them. I know you're giving them the right example, but I'd still be careful. It's a lot easier to be skinny when you're a teen, but they shouldn't think that it's okay to eat unhealthy food even at their age.

[Jadeyy..x]

This is the EXACT problem i have with my boyfriend of 3 years, i hope to marry him someday and i love him unconditionely but his weight is really getting to me, i have completely lost my sex drive with him. I really feel for you. Try and talk to her seriously about it. Does she want to change?

x

[Circe]

I'm reluctant to post on this topic because it is just such a difficult subject. I think you do love her and it's not that you don't want her.. but you are just growing increasinly resentful because the woman who is supposed to love you is not doing anything to help you get back the life you used to love. You feel like you've lost a partner because you can't share all the things you used to.

 

I just don't know what to say though. Because I can imagine that she's going through a hell of a lot herself to be in this position.

 

If my partner put on anything more than say.. 20kg (50 pounds?).. i'd be scared all the time that he'll die on me - and would be even more hurt if he didn't try to lose it, if not for him, than for me - to ease my worry.

 

But having said that.. I don't know - I just.. hope this turns out well for you. What about some therapy together about this issue? It could turn to individual therapy for her? I just think to put on 100 pounds.. there's a problem there.

 

I know someone I like VERY much and am very frond of and admire and respect - who is just morbidly obese. He has a very skinny wife, a gorgeous son.. and an extremely successful career. He's a really good man. But I think about it sometimes.. when I see him walk in with a bag full of junk (chocolates and chips and sugar drinks) .. I just know he's tryin to avoid SOME sort of pain or stress with all that food.

 

His wife is trying to make him lose the weight.. and I can tell that he's trying for her.. he knows its important.. and yet.. he still eats WAY too much.. I think that kind of thing becomes deeply psychological somehow and you do need help to break it.

 

But if you do go down that path - do some research and find the psychologists who have studied this and have experience in the area.

[Rah]

You mentioned that she has quoted depression as one of the reasons that she has gained weight. Have you suggested that she go to a therapist to talk about the causes of her depression? Also, female weight loss groubs like curves sometimes work. You can also work on only having healthy snacks around the house. So, when she feels like emotional eating, she can go for fresh fruit and veggies or a granola bar instead of junk food or fast food or whatever has contributed to her weight gain.

 

If none of that works, you may just need to explain to her that you love her but physically you cannot find her attractive in her current state and that is causing you to be unhappy with your relationship. If her weight is not something that you can overcome, then you may just need to tell her that you need to seek out someone for that purpose and it may mean the end of your relationship....

 

But I would definitely try the above first. Also, there are some really great weight loss doctors at New Reflections. You may want to look into that too.

 

Good luck!

[WhatThe]

I see a lot of suggestions that I try to gently remind her about her health, our relationship, etc.

 

I think many of you are missing the fact that she has been gaining weight for fifteen years, I've been gently and not so gently reminding her of every negative facet of her weight gain for most of that time. I have also tried just ignoring it. Nothing works.

 

Yes, she has seen multiple therapists, and has been on two different anti-depressants at various times. All the medication does is make her want to sleep and watch TV. I'm not kidding.

 

Our kids have expressed their concern. We have all tried to help by eating healthy and encouraging exercise. We are all in great shape! She buys bags of junk food and even ice cream and eats it on the way to/from work. I've seen the evidence.

 

Obviously she has an addiction problem. Obviously she is unable to conquer said addiction.

 

Where does that leave me? My life is totally altered to accommodate her weight. Every outdoor activity must be done alone. I am embarrassed to be seen in public with her.

 

I can't stand to make love to her in this condition. For her part, she doesn't really care.

 

I feel like the rest of my life is going to be spent waiting for the ticking time bomb of her health to explode.

[JadedStar]

Tell me one thing

 

What's going to happen in 30 years when she's wrinkled, grey and all that jazz?

 

natural aging and gaining a ton of weight because you can't keep away from the sugar bowl are two entirely different things.

 

To the OP, i feel for you - i wish i had real advice here, but she has to want to change, just like someone with a drinking problem, or someone who smokes.

 

If you feel you have done everything you possibly can and her weight has made you no longer attracted to her, you might consider telling her it is time to call this quits. I can't think of anything else that might make her see the detriment of this situation.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

Obviously she has an addiction problem. Obviously she is unable to conquer said addiction.

 

Where does that leave me? My life is totally altered to accommodate her weight. Every outdoor activity must be done alone. I am embarrassed to be seen in public with her.

 

Well, where does that leave you? What are you willing to do about it? You can't change her, obviously, so you're going to have to change you or the situation somehow. You've admitted you can't change her, so you can now stop trying and start looking at your own side of things. What do you want to do?

[Rabican]

Tell me one thing

 

What's going to happen in 30 years when she's wrinkled, grey and all that jazz?

 

Losing your looks due to accident, age, some natural occurrence is not something that would bother me.

 

Losing your looks due to a lack of self control, gluttony, laziness, etc. is just plain UGLY. Theres really not much more unattractive than someone who just lets themself go or doesnt take care of themself. Thats more unattractive than the actual physical appearance of it if you ask me.

[Rabican]

My bf has put on over 80 lbs. or more in the nine years we've been together. I still love him and want him. Love is not about weight, it goes deeper than that. I truly love him and would love him if he put on another 80 lbs. I would be worried about his health, but I would still love and want him. Isn't that what love is truly about? Or is it a totally asthetic thing with most people? That isn't love, not at all.

 

What if your husband stopped brushing his teeth and they all fell out? Or if he started using drugs and let his health go to hell in a handbasket? I dont think its the physical appearance of someone putting on weight that would bother me, as much as the fact that they let themselves do it and THAT in itself is very unappealing.

 

I myself have put on a little bit of weight in the last 2 years or so. Im 6'1 and weighed in at 225 a few weeks ago. Im down to 210, and determined to hit 185 and stay there where I should have been all along.

[thistime]

Have you tried saying that you are afraid for her life because you know the excess weight is causing health problems for her and you dont want her to die, - you chose to spend the rest of your life with her and you are afraid that time may be cut short due to the damage her weight gain has taken on her health?