Wife's weight

[WhatThe]

Call me shallow. I don't care.

 

My wife has put on 100 lbs since we married. ONE HUNDRED. She is now 5'9" and 240lbs. At least that was what she weighed the last time she let me see her on the scale. Maybe she is 250lb by now.

 

I have tried every conceivable tactic. Gentle, harsh, supportive, mean. She has been creeping up to this weight for FIFTEEN years, since just after our second child was born. I raised the flag fifteen years ago, and every year since then. No effect.

 

For the record, I am 5'9, 165lb. I take care of myself.

 

She just eats too much. I'm tired of hearing genetic excuses, depression excuses, or any other excuses. You don't get to be 240lb by eating proper sized portions of proper food. I'm sorry. She actually told me one morning that she doesn't understand why she can't lose weight, while pouring a full 1/4 of a box of Cheerios into a bowl and covering it with a pint of milk. I'm not kidding. I pointed out to her that the correct portion size was approximately one-fourth what she had poured in the bowl, and she went off on me.

 

I am totally turned off by the way she looks. I just have no sexual interest any more.

 

If your spouse shows total disregard for their health, what are you supposed to do?

[Mindy1607307824]

Tell me one thing

 

What's going to happen in 30 years when she's wrinkled, grey and all that jazz?

[De Mon Fa De]

If your spouse shows total disregard for their health, what are you supposed to do?

 

Another horror story from me. I have too many of these. Anyway it happened so here ya go.

 

My first wife had a kid and had some gland problem develop. She decided not to take the medicine so she ballooned to huge huge huge. Very morbidly obese. I was disgusted. But eventually, I got myself to try to dig it, for her. I looked into it and there's a whole subsection of sexuality called "BBW admirers" who are into large women.

 

But no matter what I did, it was never enough; the models were skinnier than her. Before her weight situation we watched erotic movies together; after she just got jealous.

 

So in the end I learned to love (or at least not mind) her fat, and she still divorced me.

 

I'm not giving you advice here, just saying how mine ended up. Your mileage may vary.

 

Good luck man.

[dreamwarrior]

Dear What,

 

Sorry to have to tell you this but,

 

She is going to have to make that decision...no amount of nagging, begging, or any other tactic is going to work unless she decides to do it. I surely hope she does it for her health...being overweight is so unhealthy and can cause a myriad of problems.

 

I would say, "hey hon let's go grocery shopping together", then take her to the organic store like whole foods, farmers market, and both of you pick out good healthy things to eat and learn to cook them together and then take walks together at night or whenever it's possible...do it like a fun couple's thing.

 

Hope this helps a little...best wishes to you

[george237]

I don't blame you for being upset that she has gained that much weight. I think I would feel cheated that she took such good care of herself to reel me in and then let it all go once she tasted that wedding cake. However, some people that are depressed will eat to make themselves feel better, then they get more depressed because they are fat (austin powers quote but true). I would ask her to see a professional if she is depressed and see where that goes.

[WhatThe]

Tell me one thing

 

What's going to happen in 30 years when she's wrinkled, grey and all that jazz?

 

It won't be an issue, because she'll be dead of diabetes or a heart attack by then, I suspect.

[redhearts]

You know some people have prenups about weight gain. Well she may just think she can get away with it because you won't leave because of the kids.

[De Mon Fa De]

It won't be an issue, because she'll be dead of diabetes or a heart attack by then, I suspect.

 

+1 internets and some reputation for you, sir!

[doyathink]

Tell me one thing

 

What's going to happen in 30 years when she's wrinkled, grey and all that jazz?

 

That is uncontrollable, while being obese is. Everyone grows old.

 

I wouldn't like it at all. It's a health issue when you become that large. At this point, you're going to have to be blunt about the situation...and if she gets pissed, then so be it. You're not telling her anything she doesn't already know...you're just agreeing with the voices in her head that she already hears.

[george237]

You know some people have prenups about weight gain. Well she may just think she can get away with it because you won't leave because of the kids.

 

Didn't know that. I think that is a new deal breaker for me if one doesn't sign

[redhearts]

Didn't know that. I think that is a new deal breaker for me if one doesn't sign

 

Hahaha. I hear that happens in "hollywood" a lot. But for non famous people I doubt it happens much. Just always good to know where you and your partner stand on being fit. There is a difference from a person who is always doing runs and being active, to someone who just does it here and there. The person who is always active is more likely to try to keep that up through out their life. The person who does it here and there can easily just stop because its not so much of a life style for them.

[george237]

Hahaha. I hear that happens in "hollywood" a lot. But for non famous people I doubt it happens much. Just always good to know where you and your partner stand on being fit. There is a difference from a person who is always doing runs and being active, to someone who just does it here and there. The person who is always active is more likely to try to keep that up through out their life. The person who does it here and there can easily just stop because its not so much of a life style for them.

 

taking notes.

[jengh]

I'm sorry... This would really bother me too. In fact, I've been in this position... Although, I wasn't married, we had been together for 4+ years. His weight just went out of control. He went from 6'2, muscular, 165 to 6'2, flabby and 260. I guess he figured because he had me, it didn't matter... but it did. Our sex life died, his body disgusted me...

 

Aging is one thing. It's natural and there's nothing, short of endless plastic surgery (and then you'll just end up looking like Joan Rivers), you can do to stop it...

 

I think you should get rid of all the junk food in the house. Encourage her to eat healthy. Because, yes, while it's unattractive, it's also incredibly detrimental to her health.

 

I believe she could genuinely be depressed and this could be a root cause of it. I would urge her to seek professional help in this. Have you tried getting her into counseling?

 

I don't think it's shallow, it's not what you bargained for. But, for better for worse, right? Work with her... don't be mean... be encouraging. Try to get her some help, for her health. Will she exercise with you?

[george237]

You can only eat weight watchers meals and still gain weight. It's about portion control which she clearly has none.

[jengh]

You can only eat weight watchers meals and still gain weight. It's about portion control which she clearly has none.

 

Well, this is of course true... but at least by eliminating junk food, it's a small step in the right direction.. Get her eating healthy foods and from there, try to cut back on the portions. Eating several smaller meals a day is better than eating 3 gigantic ones.

 

I have a feeling she's a "comfort eater"...which can be a really hard habit to break.

[redhearts]

Its not just food its exercise. You can't just sit all day on a couch and eat diet food. You have to be active. Another thing your kids will either take in after her habits or yours, who is around them more? I hear of couples losing the weight together and that makes things easier. I think you should propose some sort of weight loss camp. Take her camping for ONE WEEK. Hiking, all sorts of walking, small portions, middle of nowhere, she won't be able to eat anything more. Although that may be considered torture.

 

There is also the theory of being married and thinking you have the person so looks won't matter, but the other person isn't stuck. So you each have to keep up your health so to speak. Does this qualify as "sickness or in health?" lol. There could be the she has your kids and most men/women stay because of the kids. So she may just think no matter what she does, acts, eats or how much she gains, she thinks you will always be there.

 

How much have you pushed her away? Or are you babying her and trying to be there more and caring more?

[dreamwarrior]

I have to say having kids, getting older or whatever other than having to take meds that cause weight gain...people should start moving their rumps more and take care better care of themselves..exercise and eating right does a body good.

 

I am 44 years old 4 grown children all in their early to middle 20's and 2 grandsons, and I am in excellent health and and still have my girlish figure...my ex bf is 44 and is still ripped like he was in high school...so you can look good at any age, you just have to want it.

 

I have to say I wouldn't want a guy who gobbled down the whole refrigerator and then laid around doing nothing...then before you know it...his belly was big as a house...you think I am going to let him lay on top of me all sweaty...not a chance.

 

I am not trying to be superficial, but those are my preferences...so I understand where WHAT is coming from.

 

Far as old and wrinkled are concerned...that is going to happen no matter what, but the overweight thing can be controlled...use a bit of self-control to watch what you eat, make time for exercise every other day or so...people always complaining of healthcare costs, but they do nothing to prevent themselves from sitting in ER hooked up to the heart monitor and oxygen tank from a heart attack.

 

I am just being honest

 

smiles to you!

[george237]

One way around it is to put all snacks, meals, and such in bags that have only one portion.

[redhearts]

Lets say you paid more attention to her now then before? So she figures if she keeps eating you'll be paying more attention to her? You can't force her to lose weight, SHE HAS TO WANT TO do that for it to actually work.

[Xplode]

Mate, here it is as simple as can be.

 

im 21. and im talking about my mum

age of 5 my mum got to 160 kg. 5foot 7. i cant convert pounds to kg. but thats massive.

 

dad stayed with her for over 15 yrs at that weight. cause numerious probs at start. dad got used to it. there sex life dropped and that caused problems.

 

in other words. i blame my mum. i heard the excuses. and only now she as had the lat band surgury, limits ur intake of food. she is down to 100kg. (chubby)

 

so from my experience cause MAJOR problem in a marriage. and really needs to be nipped in the bud.

 

to all those that said about aging?

AGING is natural!!! and you have no choice in the matter

OBESITY is not natural it is the storage of excess intake and fatty content.

it is a choice, you are not a victim, you are the perpetrator and its up to you to manage your body intake / exercise ratio.

 

if your too skinny people can comment freely, if your too big, people cant??? why - cause its rude. Strange society we live in.

 

- my advice, help her exercise, encourage. and if there is not commitment for her to do it for you. then decide whats important to you.

 

*appologies to those that may be offended, but its a choice to be large or thin. Diagnosed condition then my condolences, because you are a victim

[jengh]

I just read back on your old threads... you started one 12/07 about the same topic... NOTHING has gotten better? It seems like in a YEAR, she's gained another 20-30lbs. That's crazy and completely avoidable.

 

I really don't know what to tell you. She seems completely unwilling to change her habits.

[Mythical_Suicide]

100lbs? I don't think you are being shallow at all. I would be extremely unhappy with my partner if they gained that much weight and showed no signs of wanting to get rid of it. Now if you were on here whining about 10lbs then you would be shallow.

 

100lbs is extremely unhealthy for ANYONE to gain. But I agree with the others who say it has to be her decision to lose the weight regardless of how much you nag and beg her to. Does she make any effort to work out or lose the weight? As Cairo suggested, keep all of the unhealthy stuff away from her, encourage her (No nagging..) to eat healthy and start working out. Maybe encourage her to join a gym?

[waveseer]

Here are some ideas:

 

- Hold an intervention, just like the ones for people who abuse substances other than food

- Go with her to the doctor and have the doctor explain her lack of a healthy future in no uncertain terms

- Send her to fat camp where they teach good eating habits as well as exercise

- Go for walks with her whenever possible

- Find out what she wants most and set up a reward system, pounds for whatever

- If she's really dead set against change, tell her you will have to take on a mistress

[thejigsup]

My bf has put on over 80 lbs. or more in the nine years we've been together. I still love him and want him. Love is not about weight, it goes deeper than that. I truly love him and would love him if he put on another 80 lbs. I would be worried about his health, but I would still love and want him. Isn't that what love is truly about? Or is it a totally asthetic thing with most people? That isn't love, not at all.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

Hi, Do you think it's possible that your wife may be a compulsive overeater? Another word for it is food addict.

 

100 pounds is a lot of weight; that is a five foot tall adult woman. I know you're frustrated, who wouldn't be? She can't possibly be happy about her weight, so take that into consideration. That she seems dumbfounded by it is even more telling.

 

That no diets work for her is also very telling. Diets never work for a compulsive overeater, because a compulsive overeater does not view food as fuel but as emotional comfort, punishment, whatever it is they have assigned to the food for that moment.

 

Here is a link to a checklist that may be helpful: link removed

 

If you think she is a compulsive overeater, you might helpfully and sympathetically let her know that there is help out there and point her toward OA. OA has changed my life and turned it around completely.

 

I think you need to be aware that you yourself can never solve this problem. It is something she must do. The suggestion about the fat camp? Nope. Continuing to harangue her about it will only frustrate you more and harm, not help, her. So why not give yourself a break on that for a while?

 

If she was once thin, I'm sure she knows what a portion size is. She probably ignores it as a food like Cheerios is not just cereal, but is a comfort to her. Is there any alcoholism in her family or other addiction?

 

A reward system? That is what we do for misbehaving children, not a spouse that we love and respect. She may be fat, but that doesn't make her unworthy of being treated as an adult. Tell her you will need to take on a mistress? Great idea...and then you can watch her pain and watch her stuff it down with whatever food she thinks will do the trick. That will solve nothing but will definitely make the situation worse. So if you want more strife, hey, go for it.