IBelieve Posted January 16, 2009 Share Posted January 16, 2009 I have determined that there is no way I can hang out with my friends without my ex being present. I made plans with one of my friends to rent a movie or something. I made sure not to mention my ex or inviting my ex but I found out today that he took the initiative to do so. I didn't want to tell him that I was in NC with my ex because word travels fast and I didn't want her know I was avoiding her. I am doooooooomed. Link to comment
lonestar7 Posted January 16, 2009 Share Posted January 16, 2009 first, you need to regulate on your boy because he might be trying to finish your left overs. second, tell her she needs to get her own friends. now I put a lot of thought and time into this response for you so take note of my advice btw, you're welcome Link to comment
LilBear Posted January 16, 2009 Share Posted January 16, 2009 What about trying to get some new friends? Or let your friends know that you're not OK with hanging out with your ex (at least not for time being, who knows how you might feel later), and that you'd rather just be with the guys..minus her. Link to comment
justally Posted January 16, 2009 Share Posted January 16, 2009 Argh! That response irritates the hell out of me! Maybe just because I'm slow or something, but when my ex broke up with me, I still occasionally said 'hi' or texted his best friend a funny joke...anyway, he called me once to find out while I was still communicating with him (told him the truth-he's funny-and we had a brief chat that I cut short. Next day I call my ex for time and date of our stuff exchange, only to have him say "Go find your own friends", and have his best friend tell me the same. It was unnecessarily mean. I wasn't using his friend to keep the ex in my radar-I was talking to his friend because my network here is tiny, and he's humorous! So, OP, I don't know if your situation is similar, where she has a smaller network than you or a limited network for whatever reason. But if your friend is inviting her over to where you'll be...talk to him. Tell him you'd prefer it if they hung out...not around you. Don't tell him about NC, but tell him you want to remember her for your relationship...and that being friends right now is a little bit hard. <. idk if that too girly but it how i do it.> Because, really? The "Go find your own friends" line is hurtful. I was pissed for hours, and spent the next 2 days on/off crying...because he didn't care enough about me now to allow me to have some humor in my life. Nobody deserves that...unless they're doing similar to you. I still wouldn't cut him off from "my" friends...because last time I checked, they liked BOTH of us. And we both deserve happiness and friendship. Link to comment
lonestar7 Posted January 16, 2009 Share Posted January 16, 2009 Maybe he ended up not caring enough for you that he didn't want you involved in his life anymore. You seem like a very well spoken, nice girl so why not make your own friends and expand your own network? You sound like you're capable of it and his friends are not the only funny people out there. You saying your ex's friend is funny is taken as you see his friend as being attractive for being funny. Sorry OP, but trust my response, it's fail-proof Link to comment
IBelieve Posted January 16, 2009 Author Share Posted January 16, 2009 lonestar7, thanks for your advice. I have known this guy for like 7-10 years and I am not going to assume the worst. Call me silly but I have faith that my best friend isn't trying anything underhanded. I also don't think I can just tell my ex to get her own friends.. that seems really cold. Also, that is basically like telling my friends not to hang out with her. Who am I to dictate that to them. Maybe you are right though, but maybe my personality just isn't forward and forceful enough to do those things. I will probably have to do that Lilbear. I didnt want to but I guess I will have to let them know. Should I go hang out with them still? *sigh* Link to comment
IBelieve Posted January 16, 2009 Author Share Posted January 16, 2009 Wondering if my ex and my best friend had feelings for each other has crossed my mind a few times. They started becoming really good friends near the end of my relationship with her. One time we were watching a movie and she had her head on his lap. I wasn't jealous because that is how good of a friend he is to me. Since the breakup they have grown pretty close but I am still not concerned because I don't believe he would do anything like that. He was really there for me when I needed him right after the breakup. Justally -- It is actually the opposite. My social circle is very very limited and much smaller than hers. It just so happens that she is really good friends with my best friend. I would be very disappointed in myself if I actually told them not to hang out. Link to comment
IBelieve Posted January 16, 2009 Author Share Posted January 16, 2009 Anyone have any thoughts as to if I should go hang out with them tonight or not? Or should I tell my friend that I am just not up for seeing her at the moment. On one hand I dont want to break NC... on the other I want to get out because I have been studying and working all week... such a tough decision! Link to comment
justally Posted January 16, 2009 Share Posted January 16, 2009 Maybe he ended up not caring enough for you that he didn't want you involved in his life anymore. You seem like a very well spoken, nice girl so why not make your own friends and expand your own network? You sound like you're capable of it and his friends are not the only funny people out there. You saying your ex's friend is funny is taken as you see his friend as being attractive for being funny. Sorry OP, but trust my response, it's fail-proof Ummm....maybe you'd think that, but we're talking like, a text a month. If that. And that friend is butt-ugly. And hairy. Ewwwww. *off to read the rest now* Link to comment
justally Posted January 16, 2009 Share Posted January 16, 2009 Anyone have any thoughts as to if I should go hang out with them tonight or not? Or should I tell my friend that I am just not up for seeing her at the moment. On one hand I dont want to break NC... on the other I want to get out because I have been studying and working all week... such a tough decision! Let us know what you decided...personally, I would have just uninvited her and explained to your friend why. *shrugs* That seemed the most reasonable in terms of results gained vs pride/ego lost/busted. How did it go? Link to comment
IBelieve Posted January 17, 2009 Author Share Posted January 17, 2009 Nothing has happened yet.... I havent made a decision yet.. argh. Link to comment
IBelieve Posted January 17, 2009 Author Share Posted January 17, 2009 yup my ex is now on my sisters facebook. I am doomed to failure. EDIT - Yeah I think I will go tonight. Hopefully all will go well. Link to comment
IBelieve Posted January 17, 2009 Author Share Posted January 17, 2009 Just an update. First things first though.. I forgot my ex's number! In my own defense, it was late at night and I haven't called her since my begging phase right after she broke up with me in October AND she had gotten a new number a month or so before the breakup. It was slightly awkward because i recited the wrong number to her and she had to correct me. The evening was fine for the most part. I definitely wish they would take my feelings into consideration though. When we watched the movie my ex had her head on his lap and after the movie had her arms wrapped around his midsection. At one point during the evening my friend hugged my ex from behind while we were talking.. playfully, but still... how can they not see that it is awkward for me. It has only been 3 months or so. The lights were dim so during the movie when I felt myself becoming a bit uncomfortable I switched my position so my arm was blocking my view of them and that seemed to help. After when we were talking and he hugged my ex from behind I closed my eyes. Objectively, if I was meeting them for the first time I would have said they were a notch down from a couple, or at the very least just had a thing for each other and were flirting. I am not going to dwell on that though. I am not going to let my insecurities drive me into a hole. Link to comment
SighSob Posted January 17, 2009 Share Posted January 17, 2009 Dude, if that is your best friend, I wonder who is your worst enemy... Link to comment
justally Posted January 17, 2009 Share Posted January 17, 2009 ...He just got the "jerk" rating from me, too. Talk to him. Or beat the s**t out of him...you know, the normal stuff? If he's your best friend, you guys have to get this sorted. You just being hurt and hiding it will resolve nothing, and may blow up in your face...when you or he most needs the other. Link to comment
IBelieve Posted January 17, 2009 Author Share Posted January 17, 2009 Yeah I guess you guys are right. I will talk to him within the next week about it. *sigh*. When I look at my ex I sometimes wonder if she is the same person I use to loved or if she has changed so much since the breakup that we would be incompatible now.. hmm... Link to comment
IBelieve Posted January 18, 2009 Author Share Posted January 18, 2009 I saw my ex today when I went out with friends again. The one thing I have noticed is that seeing her once just makes me want to see her again and again. I have to make sure I keep that in check and continue with my healing. I wonder if LC while healing works well.. hmm.. Link to comment
justally Posted January 18, 2009 Share Posted January 18, 2009 ...how long ago did you break up? My ex was a co-worker. We worked the same shift. So, 4 days out of the week, we saw each other. It in no way helped me get over him. I don't think the break up even really felt real to me until I got a new job and he just...stopped contacting me. At all. And when I finally got him on the phone...he had just started dating someone new. 3 months after we were broken up, and with the woman who had been flirting with him while we were dating. *Knife-stab* I mean, I think it's disrespectful to flirt with an "off-market" person to begin with...I shut down guys to tried flirting with me while dating him...it hurt to realise that he must not have shut her down, and had chosen a replacement for me before he had broken up. ANYWAYS, I think no contact really might be best? You have to stop wanting her. I can't really speak, since I haven't stopped wanting him, but that's what I'm pretty sure healing is supposed to mean. Stop letting them be the most significant thing in your life. Link to comment
IBelieve Posted January 18, 2009 Author Share Posted January 18, 2009 We broke up about 3 months ago. I want to do NC but I just dont see it working because I want to hang out with my friends and she is part of that circle of friends. Although NC may be best i think my situation it is just not an option. I think what I need to do is meet new people. She is really the only girl I hang out with so maybe if I just got some other females in my life this wouldn't be such a problem. I am not looking for a rebound or anything like that, I just think that hanging out with more girls might help a tad. Anyone want to give some more advice, I really appreciate your responses! (Thanks Justally for your advice ) Sorry to hear about your situation Justally.. what an ass Link to comment
justally Posted January 18, 2009 Share Posted January 18, 2009 Yay! New friends are always a positive factor! Even if you don't for absolutely no contact, limiting it might work. I'm glad I could be useful...even if I was just using my experiences to relate. Good luck! Link to comment
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