On his terms only

[pumpkinmoon]

It seems to me that my ex wants to see me only when he wants to. When he first started to come back about 2 months ago he seemed more attentive and wanted to see me a once or twice in the week and on weekends. As time has passed, he seems to only want to see me when it is suitable for him.

 

For example, he asked me to go shopping with him Saturday which I did. Didn't see him Sunday which was fine. He didn't ask to see me all week, and then he asked me last night via text to go to watch him play hockey this Saturday and stay at his house Friday night and leave from there. I said maybe I would but wasn't sure about Friday night. The reason for this is because i don't feel comfortable in his house and I want to put a stop to being available when he wants me.

 

Today I remembered I have to work Saturday so I told him that I wouldn't be able to go to see him play. He said that it was fine and that he was going out with mates Saturday night but I can still go over his house Friday and said that we can also do something Sunday.

 

Well I have no problem with him going out with mates but after I thought about it I thought that it was a bit cheeky expecting my support at the game and then expecting to drop me to go out in the night.

 

But the main issue his him wanting to see me on his terms which I am not happy about. There is no point talking about it to him because he will not understand and it will probably cause an argument so I have decided to distance myself instead by not going over Friday night and also making sure I am busy Sunday. Is this the right thing to do?

 

Up until now I have been available to him everytime he has asked to see me and I think this needs to stop.

[waltwhit]

Yes I think you are right in trying to make yourself a bit scarce. Then he will hopefully get the picture, and start to ask you when you are available to hang out. This way it can be on your terms as well.

 

It is unfortunate that you have to play games this way but if it is true what you say about not being able to talk to him, then I guess that is what you have to do. Ideally, you would sit him down and tell him that it is hurting your feelings that it seems hanging out has been on his terms lately, and that you feel like you have been catering to him. Chances are, it is easier for him this way and since he is not getting any resistance from you, he keeps going. We guys tend to take the path of least resistance.

 

One thing is good though, at least he is asking you to come watch his game and then going out with his mates, instead of having you come over for sex and then going out. It could be worse!

 

Bottom line, though, is that if you are with someone that you don't feel like you can communicate and talk to, and that seems like he is only in it for him, then you may have a problem. Communication is soooo important in a relationship. It avoids misunderstandings and, ultimately, a lot of arguments. When two people are on the same wavelength and they know that if the other person is bothered by something they will talk to them about it, it really frees you up to have a wonderful, virtually conflict-free relationship.

 

If you do decide to talk to him about it, I suggest you don't phrase it in a way that makes him feel like he will have to work any harder in the relationship. Us guys are alergic to that stuff too. I know it's sad, but it's true.

 

Hope this is helpful, and good luck

[pumpkinmoon]

That was very helpful thank you. I also think that is is a shame I have to play these games but it is the only way I think. I have tried so many times to talk to him about stuff before and he can never see why I have a problem and never thinks he is doing anything wrong. He sees it as me deliberately trying to cause conflict, he even went as fas as to say "Your problem is that you love arguing", which isn't true at all.

 

Well another issue I had is that every time I see him he always initiates sex, and I always give in and regret it later. Wasn't so bad at first but now it is almost as if he gets the sex he wants and then can take off for a few days to a week and expect it again when he sees me next.

 

Another thing is at the start we would go the the cinema about 2 times a week and that seems to have stopped. He will want me there to support him at his games (not all, so this is another case of when it suits him), and will want me there to go shopping (Saturday it was shopping for new bedroom furniture for his room) but when there is something fun to do like going out to socialise he prefers to do that with friends, just seems like I get stuck with all the boring stuff.

[notshurewhy]

Seems like he is trying to keep you on good terms..But not meet your needs. Stringing you along so he wont lose you..Without him getting sex its alittle hard to figure.. I would play hard to get and see what happens.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

He sounds like a rigid personality type who wants a woman for two things, 'girl' things like shopping/cleaning etc., and sex. You're more of a function than a person to him if he doesn't want to spend time doing other fun things with you or doing things you like to do.

 

I wouldn't put up with this if he sees you infrequently, then goes straight for sex or other things that 'support' him but aren't any fun for you. He's being selfish, and you're letting him.

 

But if you even have to try to convince him this is not right, you may be wasting your time. If his mother spoiled him and did all the 'house' things for him and made no demands on him, this may be his model for a woman/girlfriend, someone who serves and services him but otherwise leaves him alone to do his own thing. it's the 'little prince' syndrome, where he's been spoiled and thinks other people are there to amuse and take care of him, and he owes other people nothing because he is a prince in his own world.

[pumpkinmoon]

Interesting responses. Thank you all. We do "fun" things sometimes but it is usually when it is a couples thing. Most pf his close mates are all single, total losers who can't even get a gf so I think he expects to act single too.

 

Well I have a bit of an update. I thought I would buckle and end up going to his house Friday but I stayed strong. He sent me a text early Friday morning asking me if I was going. I left it a good few hours to respond, when I did answer I told him that I wouldn't be going as I have a lot of stuff to do and ended the message in a cheery way. He then replied asking if something was wrong, and said that he realises that I might be busy but he can't help but think that something is wrong but said that he is probably being silly. I responded and said that it was fine and played it off.

 

I didn't think he would even notice me distancing myself but it doesn't seem to have taken him long at all. Since I have done this he is already answering messages much more quickly too.

 

Any advice on what I should do from here?

[HopeArises]

Shoefairy, remind me again the circumstances around your breakup and maybe I can offer some constructive advice to you.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

He has you in the Friday night slot and his buddies in the prime time slots so he definitely noticed this... he won't get sex again either until his next slot is open and he knows it. He is also used to getting his own way so is aware this didn't happen this time.

 

i wouldn't play passive aggressive games with him. instead i'd tell him quite openly that you need to talk and then sit down with him and tell him you're tired of playing second fiddle to his bar buddies and other activities. He needs to start acting as if you're a couple, not he's single and you're an FWB that he sleeps with and shops with but the rest of his time he's off with his friends or doing whatever.

 

You should decide exactly what you want from him before this talk, as in do you want to start seeing him weekends (and not just Fridays), start talking to him early in the week to set up plans, then he can schedule his buddies around your plans rather than vice versa. Have concrete changes you want to make and activities, not just nebulous 'you need to make me a priority'. You need specific behavioral changes you can make as a couple so that you can implement them and he knows what you are talking about.

 

Then you negotiate something that is comfortable for both of you from there.

[pumpkinmoon]

I know that if I talk to him about this he would go nuts on me. I kinda feel like playing these games is the only way I can make him understand. He is very close with his friends and I have always felt second best really. Of course I don't mind him spending time with them but I feel that he see's them too much. I think that in a relationship you just can't see them that often because there just isn't the time. I don't see my friends that often, sometimes it's a few weeks and I am fine with that and so are they because they are also in relationships.

 

What would you say is a reasonable amount to see friends?

[BeStrongBeHappy]

I think if you are a couple, seeing friends once a week for a few hours is not unreasonable, as long as it is not 'prime time' when the couple would normally be on date night. So if he wanted to see them for a few hours on one weeknight, or play ball with them on a Saturday or Sunday for a few hours, that is fairly normal.

 

But more important, you shouldn't be with someone you are afraid to talk to... he holds all the power then, if you are afraid to do anything to upset him. couples have to learn how to negotiate successfully so that both are happy rather than just one person bullying their way into getting what they want because their partner is intimidated.

 

You need to start negotiating with him, and if he won't negotiate with you to do things that make you happy, then you have no long term future as a couple.