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What should I do? Do I just trust her?


CamRed

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Ok so first I will say I am a 19 year old who has been cheated on before, (I know that a lot of people have. All my life I've seen people all around me cheating. After I was cheated on I swore to never let it happen again. My girlfriend has been accused of cheating in one other relationship, she says she didn't. And in another she made out with a guy while dating someone else, she says the relationship was basically over.

 

My girlfriend and I have been dating for about 4 months now. For the first 2 months we spent everyday together, we literally spent as much time together as possible. Then 2 months ago she had to move 2 hours away for school. We don't spend nearly as much two together, I see her everyweek or so. She knows that I don't trust people, most guys do not care whether a girl has a boyfriend or not. She works at Lowes, a hardware store. So most of the people she works with are guys. She told me about this guy who she thinks is cool but she says he's not attractive. So she's been going to lunch with some guys from her work, but she says it's just because she doesn't like to eat alone.

 

So yesturday I came down to her work to surprise her with candy and flowers becuase she was having a bad day. When she comes out of her work she is with the guy she told me about, I guess he was walking a customer to their car. So she stands around talking to this guy and they "skip" to the customers car, and it looks like she touched hit butt, she says she doesn't know if she did but that she really doesn't think so. And so I guess they have each others phone numbers now and he is inviting her to parties, she says that there's nothing to it and that she will probably go to one of his parties.

 

Now whether she is cheating or not I do not know, I don't think so but I have no clue. But what I do know is that she constantly checks my phone to see if I'm talking to other girls, she calls me to ask who a girl is if They give me a myspace comment, she wants me to delete girls from my myspace friends, if I bring up a girl in a conversation

I get questioned, and she sure as hell doesn't want me to club or party. If we swithed positions for the situation yesturday she would've probably FREAKED. What should I do. I love her very much and she says she feels the same.

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welcome to ENA

 

 

Young love buddy... dont even know what to say.. how could you love her after 4 months.. and how can you love someone that has cheated...

 

love takes times... you guys are young... things at that age change from day to day...

 

sounds like she is having fun... and isnt as serious about you as you are with her...

 

my advice,.. go have fun, date other people.. and if its meant to be.. you guys know...

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Its easy to say i love you.. words are cheap...

 

love and infatuaion, sometimes are mistaken...

 

If you told someone you loved them, would you be hanging out with another girl and slapping her butt...

 

I am not saying dont date her... just be relaxed more about it.. be cool. and have fun with other people... and dont base your life around her...

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And so I guess they have each others phone numbers now and he is inviting her to parties, she says that there's nothing to it and that she will probably go to one of his parties.

 

Her behaviour is inappropriate. Why would she go to his parties without her boyfriend? The age factor is irrelevant - either you are in an exclusive relationship or you are not. If she doesn't want to be exclusive she should say so. She would obviously not be happy were you to do this with another girl.
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That is a HUGE double standard - have you pointed this out to her?

 

I wouldn't worry about the cheating, if she works with all guys she then its normal she would become friends with at least one person she works with, and because you are so young, you're going to want to go to parties and such, just ask if you can go with her. But you really need to nip the hipocracy in the bud.

 

She can't impose expectations on you that she can't follow through with herself. Its unbalanced. You will slowly start to resent each other and it will ruin the relationship.

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As for the promise ring, she wants it to mean what ever I want it too, that's what she said. I don't know, I'm deffinetly going to talk with her soon. I love flirting, partying, and I LOVE clubing. But I love her more so I agreed to give that stuff up, atleast I won't do it without her. She doesn't like to club so we haven't done that, I miss it but I wouldn't do it without her. As for other girls I don't look at them, and I don't talk to them.

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If she were smart, she wouldn't be telling you any of this stuff, but I think she enjoys ringing your chimes.

 

Problem is, your chimes are so ringable. You're insecure, and it's coming out sideways all over the place. Every probing question you raise to GF only provokes her to give you more cans of worms you don't know how to deal with. It's a vicious cycle you're both working in concert.

 

The question isn't whether GF is cheating, it's whether either of you are ready for a relaxed, adult, committed relationship. If you were ready, you wouldn't be carrying around the tightness in the pit of your stomach--and you wouldn't feel a need to hold up candy and flowers as a banner of generosity in order to check up on GF at work.

 

In your corner.

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If she were smart, she wouldn't be telling you any of this stuff, but I think she enjoys ringing your chimes.

 

Problem is, your chimes are so ringable. You're insecure, and it's coming out sideways all over the place. Every probing question you raise to GF only provokes her to give you more cans of worms you don't know how to deal with. It's a vicious cycle you're both working in concert.

 

The question isn't whether GF is cheating, it's whether either of you are ready for a relaxed, adult, committed relationship. If you were ready, you wouldn't be carrying around the tightness in the pit of your stomach--and you wouldn't feel a need to hold up candy and flowers as a banner of generosity in order to check up on GF at work.

 

In your corner.

 

You know, I think your right. It sucks but your right. I don't trust people, at all, and I don't trust her obviously. I don't want to see other girls at all, even friends really. I don't know what that means for me. I still don't think that a party is a place to be without your BF. But I talked to her and she says she's probably not going to go, she just needs to know that if she does I am ok with it. That's what she wanted me to say, which I can't because I'm not ok with it. So we settled on "I'm not happy with it, but if you do then I trust you to be responsible and not cheat". She wants to be able to have guy friends, and go to lunch with them. It looks like she hasn't hid anything from me, of course I obviously wouldn't know if she is. I'm so lost right now, I want to trust her, I love her. I just found out today that my own mom cheated on my dad in this exact situation. She started going to lunch with some guy from work and it led to my mother cheating on my father. I am so seriously lost right now, everyone I know has cheated or wants to cheat. I can taste this crap in the air. OMG I just don't know, we talked for hours tonight and it was all about the whole seeing other guys but just as friends thing, she did a lot of crying and screaming. She told me that my lack of trust is going to drive us apart. Honestly, she hasn't done anything to loose my trust.

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We both promised before she moved that we wouldn't go clubing or to parties without each other. And now she wants to go back on that and for me to just trust that she wont let anything happen at these parties, that she isn't going to even touch another guy. I of course don't think it's right, so I mean right now I'm so irritated that if she can go back on the promise not to party I should be able to club. But she says that at a party she wont be drinking or touching guys, which I mean once someone hands her a drink who know's right? But that at a club I'm going to be dancing with girls. It's true that's what happens at clubs. What do you guys think?

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I think that neither of you are really ready to be in a committed relationship. But she is trying to to what she wants while controlling what you do which is also hypocritical.

 

If i were you I would walk away.

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She told me about this guy who she thinks is cool but she says he's not attractive.

 

Hate to say it, but odds are there's something going on here. She is salving her conscious being "honest" with you by disclosing this guy, then defusing things with the "not attractive" comment. Nothing is for certain, but based on years of experience listening to what comes out of womens' mouths, and being cheated on a few times, this is generally a telltale sign of a forming, or already consummated attraction.

 

The important thing, very important here, is whether she brought up the guy out of the blue, or based on your questioning and insecurity? If she brought him up out of the blue, watch out. If upon your questioning, it could be innocent.

 

"Oh, he has a fiancee, nothing is going on there." She was sleeping with him.

"I'm not attracted to him at all, it's a business dinner." She slept with him that very night.

"There's nothing going on there, I feel sorry for him." She was sleeping with him.

"I think this guy likes me." She was already sleeping with him.

 

In the above scenarios, different women I was dating brought up some guy I'd never heard of, out of the blue, but seemingly within the context of the conversation. They are driven to tell you something out of guilt, and work it into the conversation in an innocuous way.

 

Regardless of whether the above is the case, never give a woman a "promise" ring. It's a marketing sham designed to rob men of any shred of power they have in a relationship, and will lower her attraction to you nine times out of ten, as you become a less valuable commodity. Keep her guessing if you decide to stick with this one. LTRs don't work, you are young, have fun and don't get serious so fast. Best wishes.

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Admittedly, in number one, I never got absolute proof she was sleeping with him, but am 80% sure.

 

Number two admitted it the next day.

 

Number three it became apparent as word got out among a shared circle of friends.

 

Number 4, the guy she was cheating with insisted she tell me or he would.

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