An argument against NC.

[leo73]

Why do we struggle with NC? If you have read any of my previous posts then you already know my position on the subject. Hopefully this post will open us up to the possibility for throwing out NC as a rule of thumb.

 

 

 

An argument against NC.

 

We are connected to the world through technological devices. Cellphones, e-mail, Face book, Myspace, online forums, AIM, PM, Skype…..ad infenitum. We are connected through these devices with people around the world as well as people in the same room. Face to face interactions are limited by choice. If we don’t want to talk to someone we just turn off the phone, or log out, or block their PM, or un-friend them. We work very hard to maintain a protective communication bubble that can be used to filter out unwanted information. With so much information bombarding us from all directions (media, television, internet, ads, etc.) it is an effort to manage it all and filtering out undesirable information becomes an act of self-preservation. There are so many people in the world now that it seems proper to act this way because it is so easy. Everyone looks for the easy way in life, and who can blame them?

 

NC becomes a logical response to relationship strife because it is so easy to execute (even if difficult to endure). It is popularly believed that practicing NC is the only way for us to focus our energy on ourselves and become whole again apart from the SO. Isolationism is the hallmark of post-modern ideology and it is slowly deconstructing the community down to the individual. An individual with no social responsibility and a pre-adolescent level of emotional maturity.

 

I would argue that NC is ultimately self-damaging. It limits our potential for emotional growth. It allows us to exist in a social vacuum devoid of consequences. We can cause emotional destruction, or be destroyed by, a SO and then quickly remove ourselves from the blast radius. This ability continues to deny any potential for recognizing our own impact on the world and our subsequent responsibility to it. Denying responsibility for anything outside of the self is, for lack of a better phrase, “the easy way out“.

 

I say to all you NC’ers out there “you’re only hurting yourselves”. It is true that we need to be true to ourselves, our hearts and minds. But it is equally true that we need to develop our sense of self as it exists within our significant relationships, not separate from them. NC only allows you to refuse unwanted information about your own limitations and mistakes within the relationship. Taking responsibility for our impact on others is the path to true emotional maturity and will aid us in avoiding similar mistakes in the future.

 

Time to grow up people! Pick up the phone!

 

(With this kind of post I can almost taste the anger bubbling up in the ENA community. Go ahead…let me have it!)

[Cognitive_Canine]

I have always used NC and, I feel it is still the best way to go.

 

If it works for you, okay. But, I am completely behind the no contact mindset.

[DN]

There are no hard and fast rules about NC because it depends on the person and the situation. If being in contact with someone causes more pain than good then implement it.

 

It would be just as immature to contact someone if doing so causes harm.

[De Mon Fa De]

There are no hard and fast rules about NC because it depends on the person and the situation. If being in contact with someone causes more pain than good then implement it.

 

I agree with you. Some people are more sensitive than others, but in general on this forum the people are going to be more sensitive, or they wouldn't be here talking about their emotions. Sensitive people are going to be better benefitted by NC than the average less-tested alternative, so NC is going to be the prevalent advice of the board for the majority of the people seeking advice.

 

That's just what I see, I just got here so it's not like I'm even half-way knowledgeable about whatever it is we're discussing

[blindreepr]

If I felt that could contact my ex and be on good terms, I'd do it. I love to be friends with her at some point in our lives, but right now it's not possible.

 

Contact would only hurt the both of us right now. We both have been through enough in our relationship were I think we both know what mistakes were made. Contact right now would have no point.

 

It seems you are going to the opposite extreme of those who that NC to an extreme.

 

Every situation is different.

[Cognitive_Canine]

Also, it is unfounded to tell NC users to "grow up".

 

I feel that it is a very mature method for healing.

[CAgirl]

Sometimes it's hard to have emotional growth if you are on bad terms with the person and all you would get is another argument or angry, bitter, and sad feelings thrown back and forth

[fiffy]

I would love to have contact with my ex but he is not mature enough to speak without hurling the abuse at me I suffered with for the entire relationship. Its not healthy for me to be in contact with my ex. So thereforee I have to be NC. The insight is very thought provoking though and I totally agree with the principles. I also see that times of cooling off can be needed when emotions are still raw.

[penelope13]

NC doesn't mean you are totally cutting yourself off from everybody, you are just trying to distance yourself (maybe only temporarily) from an unhealthy situation.

 

the thought of going NC causes high anxiety in many people and they are trying everything in their power to avoid it. in some ways it becomes like a temporary addiction.

 

But when a relationship ends, you have to learn and trust again that you can survive and be happy without that person. Most often this is easier accomplished by going NC for a certain amount of time.

 

Once you have accepted for yourself that the relationship is over you still may have to option to consider if you want to rekindle a friendship, but more often than not people realize at this time that they don't want to be friends with the other person anymore.

 

It is very difficult to deal with emotionally difficult situations if the trigger of the emotional difficulty is still in the picture, therefore it is simply easier to go NC and thus remove the trigger.

 

Often it also happens that while someone is claiming 'oh I understand the relationship is over and that we both have to move on' that they are not aware that this is simply a means for them to stay in touch with the other person, but that this renders them impossible to truly move on from the relationship.

[Sweet Venus]

Nc rules!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[pushforward]

Not sure how your story correlates, but here is my two cents.

 

Regarding NC, it is for the person as a tool to implement healing and cutting off the source of their pain. NC does allow emotional growth by enduring and not giving in one's own desire of what we cannot have. NC's main priority is to heal and regain composure of one own's sense of worth. Through betterment, whether it'd be seeking out old friendships, taking classes, painting or going to the gym. Through pain, we grow. In my opinion pain is simply an indication of change that we are uncomfortable with. Some people rise to the occasion, while others fail and get burned by the same fire.

 

Now, NC is not meant to be used in a forever sense, unless that person feels it is necessary. Once you're healed, you can go back to the past and connect with that person again, on a friendly or romantic basis, whatever your goals or intentions are, is completely up to you. If and only if you are healed.

 

Keep in mind this is from my own perspective and that's how I feel.

[Seymore]

Time to grow up people! Pick up the phone!

 

(With this kind of post I can almost taste the anger bubbling up in the ENA community. Go ahead…let me have it!)

 

Pick up the phone...why? So I can communicate with my ex that I don't want to be with her...again? So she can get the wrong idea that I'm talking to her and interested in reconciling and call me another 114 times in an hour?

 

What would picking up the phone solve? I'm curious to hear your argument.

 

I can tell by your last remark in that post that you're simply interested in getting a rise out of people here. I just can't find the sense in that post, though.

 

Call = Opening a can of worms, barrel of monkeys and pandora's box at the same time. Won't help me get over the ex, and will give her the wrong idea about me because I'm responding to whatever game she's playing.

 

NC = I'm doing well, not miserable and starting to focus on what makes ME happy more than what makes others happy. I don't have the cloud hanging over my head that I would had I called. And just maybe - it's sinking into her head that she has a problem and working on it so she has a better chance at the relationships in her life.

 

You can take the first option, but the second works for me. And as for your argument towards isolationism, using NC, like pushforward said, seeking out old (or new relationships) isn't isolating yourself, quite the opposite. It depends on the individual. Sure, they're isolating themselves if they sit in the house all day in a funk. It gives the opportunity to experience and enjoy life on their own or with other people they may not have been able to before. Since going NC, I have found my love for music again and find myself staying up until early hours of the morning working on it. I could never have done that before in the kind of relationship I was in. And it feels good, partially because I'm connecting with new people through it, plus I'm reconnecting with the things I used to love.

[staircase]

I'm not sure that I would equate NC with an aversion of social responsibilities. I understand that there is a modern tendency for people to limit, restrict and isolate but I am not sure that the foundation of that argument can be easily transfered to NC in the context of an intimate relationship with one person.

 

NC is a strategy that is employed in a plethora of contexts, and as far as I understand it, is a useful tool to separate oneself more effectively from an ongoing interaction that just doesn't work. Maybe you could compare it to ostracism (a word dating back to an Ancient Greek origin)? It's when two beings (or at least one of them) recognises the incompatibility of a match and choose to be without rather than with.

[catfeeder]

Certainly not angry with you, but I just see no distinction in your post between going NC with one particular person versus going NC with the world.

 

The idea is to close one door while opening many others, if not for the reasons you've stated, then to preserve one's dignity while curtailing potentially melodramatic and desperate and transparently manipulative contact with someone who has already demonstrated either no tolerance for this, or worse, a perverted habit of thriving on it.

 

Sometimes impulsive decision-making leads to words and actions that can never be undone. Sometimes the best decision is to not decide right now. I do know this; whenever I've used some self-control to avoid the kind of contact that would have otherwise reduced my options, I've only thanked myself.

 

When in doubt, NC isn't a 'rule', it's just plain smart.

 

Thanks for the topic, and my best,

Cat

[bulletproof]

NC was not the easy way out for me. It was extremely difficult to stop calling someone cold turkey, someone I'd spoken to five times a day for three years straight. But I knew that hearing about him dating other people eventually would hurt me, and that continuing to talk would keep digging the groove in my brain that created my addiction to the relationship.

 

Every situation is different and should be handled on a case by case basis. But I've noticed that the majority of the people here at ENA are the ones who were left, and in order to move on NC seems to work best, by my own observations, anyway.

[leo73]

Great responses everyone. I just wanted to get some of the reasoning behind why we use NC.

 

The common theme I am picking up is that NC is a way to remove a source of pain that, in theory, is supposed to help us to emotionally heal, and healing equals growth. However, it is often only through pain that we actually grow. If you are cutting out the source of your emotional pain, then you are also cutting out the possibility of understanding it. How can we know why the pain exists if we refuse to accept it into our lives? Practicing NC certainly has the advantage in letting us heal an emotional wound but it certainly doesn’t allow us to mature.

 

Lest we forget that there was something in ourselves that was attracted to the other person in the first place and if the relationship lasted awhile, there was something in ourselves that was keeping us in the relationship. However, the point I would like to make is that the same goes for the other person. Relationships are dynamic in that there are two people involved, each with their own thoughts and emotions, driving the relationship forward. We need to recognize that the way we felt about the SO actually affected how they felt about us and we will never understand how they felt about us unless we maintain contact and open communication.

 

Sadly, it takes both parties to make this happen and it is certainly easier to deal with only one set of emotions (our own) after a break-up. Eventually, if everyone continues to practice NC then I fear we will develop a society of individuals who are all self convinced that they are the best person in the world and still never understanding why others don’t recognize it.

[penelope13]

more often than not the other person is not really interested in you getting all the answers that you may seek. if that was the case, the breakup would have been much more amicable and there wouldn't be any need for NC.

[avman]

The common theme I am picking up is that NC is a way to remove a source of pain that, in theory, is supposed to help us to emotionally heal, and healing equals growth. However, it is often only through pain that we actually grow. If you are cutting out the source of your emotional pain, then you are also cutting out the possibility of understanding it. How can we know why the pain exists if we refuse to accept it into our lives? Practicing NC certainly has the advantage in letting us heal an emotional wound but it certainly doesn’t allow us to mature.

 

I must disagree with this. While experiencing pain can allow us to grow there is nothing to be gained by intentionally intensifying and prolonging that pain at the expense of your emotional health and well being. The breakup itself is the source of the pain, not the imposition of no contact. The healing comes from moving beyond the breakup and many people simply cannot do that when confronted with constant contact with their now ex-partner.

 

While some people can handle such contact and their breakups are amicable there are many other instances where this is not the case. And in those instances many of us recommend going no contact so as to stop the pain fron intensifying and continuing.

[RougeKali823]

Agreed, everyone doesnt heal the same. NC is not for everyone and definitely not guaranteed to ensure healing (sometimes it stalls it because that quick cut-off of communication leaves one or both parties looking for answers or dealing with hurts that may stem from simple misunderstanding). NC is a choice and I have used it a few times successfully but I have also had great success with closure meeting-speaking of which I have one scheduled for tonight. Communication is helpful in helping to move on. NC is best applied to certain situations but pointless for others, like abrupt and typical breakups. So, no it is not a rule of thumb and don't listen to everyone who sternly advises you not to ever speak to your ex-based on their own experience b/c they may be secretly giving in while on ENA or simply trying to make the rules of their life apply to yours. Do what is best for you. My therapist says not to assume that healing doesnt come from pain because it is through pain that we grow best. I have opinions but since she's an expert in the field, I think her's are a lot more credible than mine.

[catfeeder]

The common theme I am picking up is that NC is a way to remove a source of pain that, in theory, is supposed to help us to emotionally heal, and healing equals growth. However, it is often only through pain that we actually grow. If you are cutting out the source of your emotional pain, then you are also cutting out the possibility of understanding it. How can we know why the pain exists if we refuse to accept it into our lives? Practicing NC certainly has the advantage in letting us heal an emotional wound but it certainly doesn’t allow us to mature.

 

We mature from within. No other person is our source of maturity, and it can be argued that no other person is our true source of pain.

 

Lest we forget that there was something in ourselves that was attracted to the other person in the first place and if the relationship lasted awhile, there was something in ourselves that was keeping us in the relationship. However, the point I would like to make is that the same goes for the other person. Relationships are dynamic in that there are two people involved, each with their own thoughts and emotions, driving the relationship forward. We need to recognize that the way we felt about the SO actually affected how they felt about us and we will never understand how they felt about us unless we maintain contact and open communication.

 

Our attractions, whether mutual or not, whether past or present, do not obligate anyone to us. No other person owes us answers just because we've decided they 'should' provide them. Our answers come in time, regardless of whether they're exactly what we 'want'. Nobody else can give us what we're meant to learn on our own.

 

Sadly, it takes both parties to make this happen and it is certainly easier to deal with only one set of emotions (our own) after a break-up. Eventually, if everyone continues to practice NC then I fear we will develop a society of individuals who are all self convinced that they are the best person in the world and still never understanding why others don’t recognize it.

 

I disagree. As I mature I find myself less interested in comparing myself with other people to determine whether I'm less-than or better-than. That's the superficial stuff that drops away as I become less enamored with my own dramas and more focused on my small purpose on this planet. Love isn't about quid pro quo, it's about giving of myself without demands of results or expectations of outcomes. No lover, past or present, owes me a thing. It's a privilege to love, and it's voluntary, no matter how temporary or enduring might be the love I receive in return. I am humbled for the struggle whenever I must accept that some people are best loved from far away.

 

In your corner,

Cat

[ladybug726]

The source of pain that we are working through is within is, not from the other person. It's like sticking your hand in boiling water, and your ex is the boiling water. You take your hand out, and then you heal the damage that is left (not the boiling water). You take your hand away so that you don't heap pain on top of pain on top of pain. You don't go and stick your hand back in the boiling pot.

 

Usually by the time a person goes NC, they've been beating a dead horse because both parties are shut off from communicating properly (because of so many emotions clouding the situation, too many resentments). With the distance that NC provides, both parties can think a little clearer and get calmer. It heals the resentments just a little.

 

How many times do you figure out what's best when you take a step back and think objectively?

 

Sure, two parties could tough it out and keep trying. But how much time do you want to spend in your life trying to work out a relationship that just ISN'T working? How much couple's counseling are you willing to pay for?

 

Of course we were initially attracted to our partner and that's why we teamed up in the first place. Doesn't mean it's the stuff of lasting, healthy relationships though. How many times do you read about children of alcoholic parents getting into relationships with alcoholics? You're attracted to the familiar. Doesn't mean it's healthy. Could be both people's mental issues fit each other to make everyone miserable comfortably.

 

Does it really matter how your SO feels about you after it's all burned to the ground? Reality is sometimes they will hate you, sometimes they will love you, sometimes they wouldn't care if you fell off the earth. Sometimes they reminisce about the good times when things are going bad in their new relationship, and then the boyfriend does something sweet and she's smitten with him again. And then all thoughts of you are gone. Feelings change. Should they update you every time it changes? What good would that do?

 

Maybe you should look into the reason why you are not willing to remove yourself from an unhealthy relationship if you find yourself in one?

[Nixee]

leo, while I can see your point on some accounts, I must disagree with you on the whole that NC is bad. There is simply a proper time for it to come into the picture.

 

I agree fully that answers, discussion and some sense of resolve is ideal... but when a breakup has occurred, you get what discussion in that you can, and when things can no longer be amicable, you are then forced sometimes to make a choice, plain and simple: is this progressing more towards giving me healing and answers, or is this just prolonging my pain and making my wounds fester? If you find the answer is the latter, then NC is most likely your answer - it is time to separate, and to focus on yourself.

 

As the expression goes, there is no sense in beating a dead horse.

 

You may also think of it just the same as a bandage to a wound.... at a certain point if you keep agitating things, they don't heal for many people. But time and space does seem to help, and I don't see the point in attacking that.

 

I'm not saying it is impossible for two people to truly just 'talk out' their differences and pain either... but if it proves impossible, taking a step back CAN help.

[leo73]

O.K. So if NC is such a great tool, why does it cause so much pain? If we are supposed to be healing the wound, why does it feel like NC is opening up a new wound? People often get confused, discouraged, and cry about this new form of rejection from an SO which often leads to an obsessive searching for scraps of information about what our ex's are doing from friends and the internet. Is this healing? Are we actually dealing with the heartache, or just ignoring it and hoping it will go away in time?

 

I must admit that if the relationship was bad or abusive then NC would be a healthy alternative. But I wonder the most about those relationships that just fizzle out. And this does not have to be exclusively related to an SO. This also applies to friends who we may have thought we had a connection with but just didn't. It's just as easy (via todays technology) to just cut that person out of our lives completely. But do we? And do we really go NC and develop a stronger sense of ourselves apart from the other person? Perhaps a large part of who we are is defined by who we are in these relationships. And that is the part that I believe remains emotionally undeveloped. We may know ourselves very well, but we don't know ourselves as it relates to other people. The reactions of others to ourselves has a very real impact on how we define ourselves. I think the reason we spend so much time here on ENA is because we are looking for answers to how our friends and SO's react to us but we somehow find it impossible to communicate with them directly about it.

 

But let's get personal about this and maybe everyone will understand where I am coming from. I have had six significant and wonderful relationships so far. Each of them has ended the same way with her leaving me. I have fought very hard to maintain friendships with most of them and have found it to be very enlightening. (The other two practiced NC and it enraged me so much that I just couldn't be friends afterward). Anyway, the reason for each of the break-ups was exactly the same....incompatability and different focus in life. It was not because I was not a great guy or because she was somekind of immature pyscho . We just didn't fit together anymore. But there is no way I would have know this without communicating with these women after the breakup, especially when the emotions were still raw. Early communication after the breakup revealed more truth about ourselves then I ever could have ever imagined realizing on my own. The ones that did practice NC will forever stay in my mind as women who were so emotionally immature that they simply couldn't handle the situation and will always be that way. I don't know if this is true...but there is no one to argue otherwise so that's how it stays.

 

I, for one, feel much more comfortable and secure in myself then ever before. I have not changed much about myself but now realize why I am a certain way and why my SO's are another. I thought I had to change myself or my feelings in order to find a lifelong partner but now I know that this sort of thing is purely luck and timing. It gives me the courage I need to continue searching and without the potentially cancerous negative feelings about my ex's that would only develop into jealousy, confusion, and distrust in any of my future relationships and sabotage them. And, my ex's can also say the same thing because they don't have to look back on our relationship as a mistake or a forever unanswered question.

 

I guess if NC is necessary to heal then do it. But don't think that you have grown because of it. It's a band-aid that needs to come off eventually and looking at the scar will not give anyone insight into how or why the wound was inflicted in the first place. I realize that it's hard to communicate with a recent ex (believe me, I know) but if you are able to be civil to each other, you will both gain so much insight that your break up will be not only easier but also healthier.

 

Good luck everyone!

[penelope13]

i think if you can truly say that all of your relationships ended because you both mutually discovered and accepted that you were not suited for each other or that you were not at the right stage in your lifes, you are exceptionally lucky!

 

of course in this case there is no real need for NC, because you both already agree that the relationship is not right anymore.

 

but in most cases relationships end because one of the partners wants out, while the other one doesn't want the relationship to end. that is the person who has NOT come to the conclusion that it is better for both individuals that the relationship won't continue. so if contact is maintained, this person often has big trouble not having all hopes and dreams resurfacing and experiences a constant rejection having to hear/ see that the former partner doesn't share the same feeling anymore. in this scenario usually as well, the person who has ended the relationship more often than not is NOT interested in helping the other person with personal growth and explanations. And if the dumper was interested in staying in touch and being a friend, it is often impossible for the dumpee to comprehend why he/she might want to stay your friend and claim to care yet not want to be in a relationship with them.

 

I have the feeling that you need the approval / continued friendship of your exes to feel better about yourself as a person (i have been there many times): isn't it so much better for your ego to say: "the relationship just didn't work out because we are the wrong people for each other or because it is the wrong time/circumstances in our lives; it has nothing to do with my personality"?

 

in the case were 2 of your exes chose NC you feel rage and betrayal. you are only looking at it from your point of view, maybe for them it was the necessary step to do at the time. i find that a bit selfish and immature not putting someone else's needs ahead of yours.

 

you have as much right to your way of ending a relationship as anyone else here. but please don't put people down for their way of handling pain.

[avman]

O.K. So if NC is such a great tool, why does it cause so much pain? If we are supposed to be healing the wound, why does it feel like NC is opening up a new wound? People often get confused, discouraged, and cry about this new form of rejection from an SO which often leads to an obsessive searching for scraps of information about what our ex's are doing from friends and the internet. Is this healing? Are we actually dealing with the heartache, or just ignoring it and hoping it will go away in time?

 

As I mentioned in my post, it is not no contact that is causing the pain. It is the breakup itself.