Should I give my wife another chance?

[finished]

OK, here is my story. My wife and I dated for 2 years before she got pregnant and we were married. We had 2 more kids pretty fast after that. We have a 5 year old girl, and two boys who are 4 and 2. We have been married for 5 years. The first 2 years were great then it started going down hill. We started fighting a lot and this past year has been horrible. I have developed a very short temper over the past 3 years and I admit that I have been verbally abusive many times towards her. I just found out this year that she has been cheating on me for 3 years. She has cheated on me with 5 guys, 2 of them are old enough to be her father. She denies ever having intercourse but admits to doing everything else. I personally do not believe that she has not had sex as well. I have never cheated and I never could. It is just not something that I can do. Not even to get her back. We are in the process of a divorce. Everything but signing the papers is done. She has told me that she is sorry and she knows it was wrong. She said she did it because she had no self confidence and these guys made her feel good about herself. She has called a counselor and we have started doing couples therapy. She is changing her phone number and starting the whole church thing and saying that she wants to save our family. If it were not for the kids I would already be gone. I can't trust her at all and I don't think I will ever be able to. There is not a minute of the day that I don't think about her unfaithfulness. I know that some of you may think that I am a complete fool for even thinking about staying with her. I think that myself. But there is a part of me that wants so bad to believe that we can still be a family. 5 guys is a lot. Is it possible that she can be faithful? I really don't think so but I would like to hear other people's thoughts and experiences. Thank you.

[De Mon Fa De]

But there is a part of me that wants so bad to believe that we can still be a family. 5 guys is a lot. Is it possible that she can be faithful? I really don't think so but I would like to hear other people's thoughts and experiences. Thank you.

 

Can you trust her? Only you can answer that. Why would you want to? Only you can answer that as well.

 

My wife pulled stuff similar to this and I said forget it I'm not putting up with this. But I am generally unemotional and psychotic so I'm less affected by the children than you will be.

 

If you live in the USA you will likely be paying well in excess of $1000/month for the privelege of not seeing those three kids much. That would be the first thing I would decide if I can live with or not.

[Scorpion Fury]

It's really up to you. It's easy for us to say "dump her", but you have three kids and a life together. If you wanted to give her one more chance, I won't tell you you're stupid. And I won't tell you you're stupid for leaving either. You don't need to make a decision right now. Take your time and don't feel rushed. Take as much time as you need to think it through and decide if you could give her another chance. Is there a chance the kids aren't yours?

[Ac143]

Everyone would do something different, I would "probably" leave if it was going on for 3yrs. BUT I was never in this situation so I dont know 100% how I would react.

 

If you want to save this I think marriage counseling would be a great start. Obviously ONLY if you two work together on it. If she can't commit to counseling then ...

[Cognitive_Canine]

Sometimes kids are better off when both parents are separated yet happier. Staying together may do more harm than good if your home is an unloving, fighting, paranoid environment.

 

Just keep this in mind:

 

The best thing you can do for your kids is to make sure that you are happy.

 

I know it sounds backwards but do you really think you can be the father that you want to be in this situation? What is the best you can see coming of this?

 

I am not saying get back together or don't. That is your decision. But, do not stay out of guilt or "for the children".

[jstaman]

First off, I am sorry you had to find that out, I am not going to even try and compare myself to that. Finding out that a loved one cheated on you with a family and all has got to be tough.

 

Secondly, I am not in your situation, I am not married nor do I have kids.

 

my advise is simply that, my opinion.

I would have to say in a situation such as your I can see where it would be tough, when a family is in peril the situation changes. Its not just you and her anymore, now there are children involved. Yes you have to think of the children but you also have to think about you. If you are not happy then those around you Especially the children will pick up on this.

 

I apologize, I had more to put in here, but realizing that I really dont have any experience in this area at all I am not going to pretend to know what you are going through and give you any advise.

 

I will offer my support in saying that what ever choice you make I hope that it works out for you and your kids. Be strong, and be logical in your decision, dont let anger cloud your mind when contemplating what to do here.

 

Good luck and I hope this helps.

[abouttime]

The point I concentrated on was the fact that you have been married for five years and the first two were wonderful. Your wife was starting the affair when things were wonderful. Why? I take it then that the DNA test you did on your last child proved him to be yours? Actually I would check the 4 year old also. Your wife still says she did not go all the way with them. I think you know she is lying about that. She cheated with 5 guys and they were all OK with oral? You find that believable? Neither do I. So she is still lying. She is also what is called a serial cheater. She does it over and over again. What exactly are you hoping for in this relationship? Do you want to spend the next 16 years following her around? And dealing with the pain of this over and over again. Just what kind of home life is that for your kids? Them growing up in a house where dad is disgusted by mom. That is not healthy for them. As the others have said its your decision. You have to live with her. Me I would dump her and focus on my kids.

[redhearts]

Don't give her a second chance she doesn't deserve it. She kept being unfaithful. It wasn't just a one time thing.

[waveseer]

What difference would it make if it were 1 other man or 100 other men, she was married to you.

[blue69]

It sounds like you have conflicting emotions.

 

You are hurt. That is understandable.

 

You have kids. You sound like you believe in "family".

 

Reconcilling, forgiveness is a tough act. Swallowing pride and giving the spouse another opportunity is definitely a challenge. Most people can't do it.

 

You probably want to make sure that you have given this marriage 100% before you call it quits for good. There are usually 2 sides to every story. Sounds like she is confessing, but even in that, you don't believe her. Trust is hard to re-establish without coming 100% clean and giving that person forgiveness. Forgiveness. It doesn't mean you agree with what she did. It doesn't mean you like what she did. Heck forgiving her doesn't even mean that you will reconcile this marriage. But once you are able to forgive her, you can know for sure whether you can actually repair this marriage.

 

Do some self-reflection as well. It sounds like you weren't the greatest husband either. Meaning you have glass around your house. Verbally abusive is right up there with infidelity in my book. They are both negative and hurtful in a relationship. They both prevent a relationship from growing in a loving and nurturing environment. And both inflict extremely negative emotions on the partner. And in abusiveness, it affects the children even more outwardly.

 

Good luck. Regardless of the decision you make.

[bmwm3]

What difference would it make if it were 1 other man or 100 other men, she was married to you.

 

maybe if she only did it once.. she req that what she was doing is a mistake... but the fact she did 5 times.. she didnt really care...

 

1 or 5 either way its bad... but theres a diff.. if i was in his shoes.. one would be alot better.. and more reason for me to give her a chance..

[cs90453]

Sorry this has happened to you. This isn't easy to face and it's something that most people are not prepared for. You're asking if you think you should give her another chance? That's a tough one to answer and only you can decide. My advice is to look at her behavior. If she's sorry then she's going to reflect that with her words. If she's sorry for getting caught, her actions will tell you that as well.

[Rabican]

I wouldnt.

[orangesoda]

I agree with bmwm3.

 

one time mistake? maybe I'd reconcile. even then, a very unlikely maybe.

 

but 5 guys?

 

3 years?

 

where exactly are you going to draw the line? 6 guys? 4 years? 10 guys? 6 years?

 

5 guys, 3 years = not a spur-of-the-moment, drunken mistake.

 

5 guys, 3 years = well thought-out, actively deceitful, cold-blooded, serial cheater.

 

sorry, but i think you're crazy to even consider reconciling. you can still be a good father and a great dad to your children, even if you're divorced. Find a good woman who can teach them how to conduct themselves with dignity. it's obvious that they're not going to learn that from their mother.

[Lamprey]

Before you think about reconciling, realize that it's not all her fault. You said you were verbally abusive towards her - seeing as what people admit about themselves is usually only the tip of the iceberg, I'm guessing you were a total douche towards your wife for years now and, unable to find comfort at home, she found it elsewhere.

 

So if you do decide to stay together, fix your own attitude first. Otherwise the causes of her cheating will still be in place and the cycle will start over.

[finished]

I was not a total douch. I was very thoughtful most of the time and she even thanked me on occasion for treating her the way I did. The verbal abuse began to develop because of situations that were happening over the years. I won't get into because it would sound like I'm making excuses for myself.

I never had DNA tests on the kids. I know I should but I'm too scared. It would not chang the way I feel about and would cause me so much pain I don't think I would be able to deal with it

[blue69]

You can get into the cause versus affect but it wont do any good, i.e. her being unfaithful caused my verbal abuse type thing. Or who was worse? Her infidelity or your abuse. You say it only developed based on situations that happened, she could also say the same thing. But if you focus on now, then that doesn't matter as much.

 

But I think the point is that the relationship had challenges outside of this infidelity. Meaning there are things that both of you did that created negativity and difficulty.

 

Have you decided what to do? Work on this or walk? Undecided?

[lovecrazy]

Well Finished, the only thing I can tell you to do, is follow your heart,

 

Do you love this women to no end, can you see your life without her? Does your heart still skip a beat when she walks into a room, even with all your anger, can you not find an ounce of love for that women?

 

I have recently been cheated on, and it was only two weeks ago, and it was nothing compared to your situation. My boyfriend, had a drunken kiss with a friend, and it hurts, but its time I get over it, instead of sitting in it.

 

Maybe a brief seperation between the two of you, might help. Just do the counseling, and go from there.

 

As far as your kids go, if you get the dna test it could hurt you more than you can handle. My brother has two kids from a marriage, and his wife cheated. We are unsure if they are his, but honestly he doesnt care. Those kids are his, and they are family. My nephew looks exactly like his father, my niece looks her older sisters and her mother. Again very hard to tell by looks, but I see they are still his, no matter what.

 

Trust is a huge thing to earn back, but you also have to be willing to give her that chance.....only you can decide that. Like other people stated.

 

My boyfriend is trying his hardest, and hopefully it will be enough. I want him and I to work so bad, but is that enough? Maybe only time will tell.

 

If you want this to work, give it your all, not just half of it.

 

Good luck and keep us posted...

[abouttime]

Well that tares it. No DNA test. That means that you are pretty convinced that they might not be yours? Your wife told you it never went beyond oral. You have to prove that she is lying or telling the truth. Let me tell you how to find out the truth. Get the test kits. Tell your wife if she is telling the truth and that she never had intercourse with the 5 DIFFERENT MEN that you will stay with her under one condition. That you will have the kids paternity tested. If they are your you will stay. If not then you will go. But make her decide to have it done. Tell her if you won't have it done. That means that you are lying about * * * * ing these 5 MEN. Make your decision. Have the swabs with you (you do not have to send them in). She will either fess up or she will let you leave. Or she will tell you to have them tested. Like I said. You may never want to know. That's OK, but this is the way to prove that your wife was telling the truth or is still lying to you.

[finished]

Thank you for your advice. Even if the test results come back and the kids are mine, that does not mean that she has not had sex with anyone. She has already agreed to take a test. She could have slept with someone since then. I think I am going to have to leave her. I can't live like this and I can't trust her. I think about it 24/7 and it is torture. I think that I would be a better father and a better person without her. That is how I feel now. Who knows how I will feel tomorrow. This is hell.

[Santerme]

The only thing I think you have to consider is what is best for your young children and yourself.

 

Regardless of how sorry she is, it is irrelevant....you have absolutely no reason to believe this will not occur again and again.

 

This will eventually impact on the children and they do not deserve to be subjected to adult interaction which is abusive and dysfunctional.

[abouttime]

I agree with santerme. Leave her. You will be happier, kids will be happier.

[servedcold]

I'd go ahead and divorce, life is too short to always be looking over your shoulder. Find a relationship with a better woman, you deserve that right?

[thistime]

in addition to the couples therapy, both of you should seek individual therapy, and for you...maybe even grief counseling. When your marriage is 'taken" from you suddenly, it can almost be like grieving a death...How about a trial separation before you sign the divorce pepers? you need time to decide if you can live without your children, and forgive her. She needs time to find out exactly why she cheated, and ask God, and herself for forgiveness, and then..you. I agree, 5 guys is alot, and yeah...she more then likely had intercourse with them, but she is telling you she did not for 2 reasons. 1) it might make you consider remaining in the marriage, and 2) she may not want you questioning the childrens paternity. she may also really like the fact that you have a home, and an income, and she has become acustomed to that lifestyle, and cannot possibly see how she would survive as a single Mother. You certainly have the upper hand, since she is the cheater, but I do wonder, in the first 2 years, what was it that made your marraige happy? And what started to happen after that to cause the breakdown of it? do you think you could try to 'get back' to the place where things were good? what would it take? Do you have enough care and concern for her, to at least try to forgive her?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Her problems will take a considerable amount of time to fix. It is one thing to say you want to change and to book time with the counselor etc. It is quite another matter to actually INSTITUTE change. I know of people who spent years in counseling and they never really changed their behaviours...or they changed briefly and then reverted back. Yes you were verbally abusive...but generally when someone is unhappy in a relationship and they end up cheating it is usually with one long-term partner not a whole series of partners. This goes well beyond unhappiness in the marriage...this was not cheating due to outside factors..this was cheating due to her own issues and personality. It is tough enough for people to get over infidelity with one other person, but with 5 of them...that is a bit much. She is a serial cheater.