alcohol & my boyfriend

[ericag]

me and my boyfriend have been dating for 6 and a half months. hes 19 and im 18. we started dating over the summer and it was a long distance relationship so we were never together. but he drank with his friends EVERYDAY in the summer. im not even exaggerating. EVERYDAY. when i finally went up to school by him and we saw each other every weekend, we probably drank a total of 3 times together. after halloween i decided i wasnt going to drink anymore. i didnt like how i acted and i decided that i wasnt gonna put my life in danger by drinking. i have alcoholics on my moms and dads side of the family and my uncle died of cirrhosis of the liver. my boyfriends grandpa is an alcoholic and his dad is exhibiting signs of being an alcoholic. we agreed in november we both wouldnt drink till we were old enough or married. the issue came up again though on new years eve. my boyfriend couldnt understand why i didnt want him to drink. i said that i loved him so much that i wanted him to be healthy now and for our future. he understood and the issue was done, or so i thought. the issue came up AGAIN last night and he was like well u r just controlling me. and im not trying to control him at all. i want him to be healthy and safe. i finallly just told him he had a choice. either he could stop or he could be single.. but idk if im in the wrong or if i was right? please help

[Binoo]

Well, I can understand your concern for him but by "not drinking" do you mean not getting drunk or not drinking at all?

 

Because I really don't think that a few drinks will hurt anyone. It does sound like he needs to cut down a lot but there's no need to tell him to stop completely.

[ericag]

Well, I can understand your concern for him but by "not drinking" do you mean not getting drunk or not drinking at all?

 

Because I really don't think that a few drinks will hurt anyone. It does sound like he needs to cut down a lot but there's no need to tell him to stop completely.

 

i dont want him drinking at all.

because his excuse is that when im home for summer hes not gonna have nething to do.i was like seriously? i would understand if he had a better argument for wanting to drink but his only "want" for drinking is because he wont have anything to do unless he does

[Scorpion Fury]

You have the choice to not be with him if he drinks, if it's that important to you. You ARE being controlling. Wanting him to be healthy is one thing, but giving him ultimatums is another. If you can't be with someone that drinks occasionally, then end the relationship. But if your relationship is more important to you than him drinking occasionally, then try to look past it

[jengh]

He's at a point in his life where it's cool to go out and get hammered every night. He's in college, he's 19. I'm not saying his drinking isn't excessive, but you asking him to stop drinking completely is being a little controlling. You wouldn't be able to meet in the middle and agree he only drinks x-amount of times a week/month?

 

You might need to let this guy go. Many people are perfectly happy never drinking and I'm sure you can find one.

[Siriana]

You just realised you can't date someone who drinks out of boredom and you are being cautious because you know there is alcoholism in your family.

Of course you can't make him change his mind so if he decides he prefers drinking and you can't tolerate it you'll have to brake up with him.

I don't think you're being unreasonable choosing not drinking. Some people don't like drinking or do it in very small amounts. That's perfectly fine. To feel comfortable in your peer group you'll have to find people who share similar values as you do.

 

I drink really rarely (NOT to get drunk) and I am a non-smoker.

And by default my bf doesn't smoke or drink.

Or my two closest friends.

[lonestar7]

You grow and you change. If you now prefer a boyfriend who doesn't drink and he doesn't want to be with you enough to give it up, then dump him. Seriously. I got a DWI when I was 19 and been arrested for Public Intoxication and Consumption as a Minor about half a dozen times. So I decided to quit drinking. It's not worth the trouble or the possibility of getting in trouble. PEOPLE WILL DISLIKE YOU MORE IF YOU'RE A DRUNK THAN IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DRINK

[lostandhurt]

It needs to be his choice not yours. No one can make someone stop anything they don't want to stop themselves.

You have expressed your fears and it is his choice. Your choice is to either not be around him when he drinks or end the relationship. Don't make this "if keep drinking I will breakup with you" kind of thing. Just let him know how important this issue is to you and if still drinks then you need to decide what you will do next.

 

lost

[De Mon Fa De]

I believe drug use and alcohol should be agreed on or disagreed on by both partners or there's going to be a big issue.

 

To be honest, as someone who drinks, I would not want to be with someone who had a problem with my drinking.

[ghost69]

sorry, but he's going to pick partyin i can almost guarantee it. there is a stage in life that i like to call 'the party'. it's usually 18-25. some people don't hit it or even touch it. honestly, i think everyone should experience the party scene, but your bf is younger than that even. he's in the high school/early college age where it still happens. i think your ultimatum is great. you don't approve of this behavior and want someone who is safe and healthy. unfortunately, the guy you are with now doesn't want that right now.

[ComputerGuy]

Giving him an ultimatum (And what is really an unacceptable one) is only going to push him away. It's one thing to not drink excessively all the time but its another entirely to not drink at all, ever. If he respects your choice to not drink at all you should respect his to drink. I'm not saying he should be getting hammered every night of the week but on occaisions like NYE he shouldnt have to feel guilty for wanting to go out drinking or to have a few drinks every now and then.

 

Im not a big drinker personally, but I sometimes like to go out and get drunk with my friends (Not very often though) and after work on a Friday my boss and I have a beer or two before we head home for the weekend. I would be VERY annoyed if I had a gf getting snotty at me about that - I'm not hurting anyone, I'm not becoming an alcoholic, and I have a right to decide what I will and wont do, she is my GF not my mother.

 

By all means experss concern at his constant drunkeness but an outright ban is his choice not yours. If you can't accept it then you should leave. You should be able to reach a compromise, that's what relationships are about, compromise, understanding and respect. It's also a two way street so this applies to him to.

 

PS I know this sounded like I was attacking you but I wasn't, just kinda harsh wording, I apologise for any offence.