My boyfriend has a hot and cold behaviour

[InvisibleOne]

I have been dating my BF for about 8 months now. For most part, he's very nice and very caring gentleman. There are times however, when he gets into this withdrawal mood, and would never return my calls, my texts, my emails and any other attempt to communicate with him. He will later on reappear, all happy and bubbly like nothing happened. If I ask, he would come up with something like he was too busy, or sick and just stayed in bed! One day he loves me more than anything in the world, the next day he goes cold. Sometimes he would respond to my emails, but in a very cold tone.

 

This roller coaster of emotions is very frustrating to me. Is he playing mind games? He is a grown up adult in his 40's, once married with kids, so I would be really surprised if he still believes in mind playing techniques. I sometimes think that perhaps he has some condition that I have not yet uncovered, like bipolar or depression.

 

How do I handle this situation? It is really disturbing me.

[Scorpion Fury]

when he goes cold, how long does it last before he's all happy again?

[knightNshiningarmor]

honestly he sounds like my ex who had bipolar she would literally go from bubbly happy to a spiral of depression that in the beginning manifested itself in withdrawal.

[bmwm3]

sounds like multiple personality or bi-polar. and depression

[DN]

I think it a little early to diagnose mental illnesses. I would also be interested to know how long these periods of withdrawal last.

[penelope13]

it does sound like he is experiencing depression on a regular basis. you should suggest to him to have it checked out. i realize this may be very difficult to approach if he himself is not ready yet to admit that he has a problem. but if you approach it in a way where you are trying to help him, and make him feel that it is just simply a suggestion to make him feel better and that you are not judging him as a person, it will be easier for him to agree to get a psychiatric evaluation

[Jess2006]

I think it a little early to diagnose mental illnesses. I would also be interested to know how long these periods of withdrawal last.

 

I agree! Why are people saying that he could be bipolar only based on a few lines the original poster wrote?? In any case, I have experienced this with EVERY guy I have dated, no joke. I have come to realize that men need their "alone" time, a sort of time for retreival. And once they have had their time, they go back to their SO loving as always. Just my experience, and what I've heard from others....

[Jess2006]

it does sound like he is experiencing depression on a regular basis. you should suggest to him to have it checked out. i realize this may be very difficult to approach if he himself is not ready yet to admit that he has a problem. but if you approach it in a way where you are trying to help him, and make him feel that it is just simply a suggestion to make him feel better and that you are not judging him as a person, it will be easier for him to agree to get a psychiatric evaluation

 

Wow, I still don't understand how people are making such big asumptions. Original poster, I would suggest that you ask him in a casual and nice way why he seems to get quiet sometimes. Don't go in thinking that he is bipolar or something though...

[InvisibleOne]

Thanks for your advice. His withdrawal normally starts after a very happy romantic weekend together, or anytime after we have a happy time together. For example this past weekend we spent a wonderful time together all weekend where he spoiled me to no end. Come Monday, he withdraws. Calls go to voicemail, never returns them. No response by email. He then emerged on Tuesday carrying on like nothing happened. He usually doesn't last very long, maybe a day or two, but I fail to understand why he's confusing me like this. Today, he has withdrawn again.

 

One part of me feels he's just playing mind games, however I know that his wife suffered depression at some point due to the state of their marriage. I don't know if he was also affected by it. I know his wife is on medication for depression. I feel like I should also ask him if he's on any medication or has any condition, so that I understand why he acts the way he does. but I don't know how appropriate that is, to ask someone such a question.

[DN]

Don't ask him about depression or meds. But you should bring it up casually and say it is something you have noticed and you are a little concerned.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I wonder if he has intimacy issues...in other words, the minute you have some emotionally intimate times then he completely backs off because it scares him. I wonder if this kind of hot/cold behaviour contributed to his ex's depression and contributed to the breakdown of his marriage. Yes, I am sure there were other things involved..but the come hither-go away game (yes it is a game) is typically played by people (men and women) who have emotional intimacy issues. I would not ask him about any medication...I would simply tell him that you are hurt and baffled when you consistently see this withdrawing behaviour. I can predict right now that when you are a little more forceful about how much his actions hurt you, he will move from lame BS excuse mode to downright defensiveness. Often you can't get through to people like that..when the BS no longer washes with the other person, then they try the intimidation tactics...meaning they make the other person walk on eggshells so that the other person becomes fearful of rocking the boat. So I would try to talk to him and explain how you feel...if he starts pulling these other tactics then you might want to re-think this relationship. With people like that it doesn't get better unless they really do see they have a problem.

[penelope13]

Wow, I still don't understand how people are making such big asumptions. Original poster, I would suggest that you ask him in a casual and nice way why he seems to get quiet sometimes.

 

I would usually agree, that you shouldn't jump to conclusions too quickly and that sometimes people are throwing around diagnoses too easily, but in this case I trust the OP judgement that there are no other obvious/ logical reasons why her bf would withdraw from time to time. and I would assume that anyone before posting here would have done the obvious and asked the bf about an explanation (as she actually posted).

 

from her description, depression seems to be the most obvious. depression can be caused by many things, not necessarily anything intrinsic, but whatever the cause, i think it is a serious enough symptom to have it checked out.

 

as posted in my response, if someone is depressed there is no judgment on my part to the character of the person. if someone has a fever, i would recommend them to see a doctor and get treatment as well, there is no significant difference for me in this respect.

 

it is about time that we accept that apart from physical ailments people can suffer from mental ailments and that this should not be taken too lightly nor too seriously. It shouldn't be considered a stigma, but it should be considered to be an ailment that most often can be treated, either chemically and/or with therapy.

[ruffles]

I completely agree with you, crazy-dog-lady , that no one needs to assume he has diagnosable anything, other than intimacy issues. The fact that his withdrawals come right after days of togetherness, and that the withdrawals are short-lived, indicate a fear more than an illness.

[InvisibleOne]

Thanks a lot Crazyaboutdogs for pointing out what I never thought of before. Now that I think about it, he has not once said 'I love you' to me, even when I say it to him every now and then. People seem to think he's in love with me and I can also tell that he does however he never responds back when I tell him I love him. He seems to carry a lot of emotional garbage from his previous relationship/marriage. I agree that his behaviour may have contributed to the depression of his ex-wife.

 

I wonder if it's worth bringing it up with him, as I doubt if people with such behaviours can change.

[kerry123]

IMO this does not sound like depression to me as u people who are depressed don't swing this quickly from being happy and bubbly and affectionate to total withdrawal from the other person and then back to being happy and affectionate again within the space of a couple of days. It does not even sound like bipolar as the depressive and manic episodes last longer than that.

 

It sounds like this is just how he is. It is possible that he only gives you attention when HE feels like it and has days when he can't be bothered to give u attention even tho the fact that u are contacting him indicates that you would like to hear from him. Which sounds quite selfish to me and maybe not a very generous personality.

 

Personally i could not have a relationship with someone who acted like this as it would feed any insecurities i had about the person's regard for me.

 

Having said that it is not necessarily an indication of lack of regard for you; it is perfectly possibly that he thinks the world of u, and like another poster said, just needs space alone sometimes to do his own stuff.

 

I would have a gentle talk with him, not in any aggressive way cos guys are suckers i think for when girls talk to them sweet and gentle (without whining/whinging or acting pathetic), cos i think it brings out the protector in them. If he just dismisses it or doesn't give you an answer that you find satisfactory then you have to decide whether you can accept that behaviour and carry on with the relationship. Cos if you carry on the relationship it is something u might have to accept as a constant feature of it. If u are pretty secure in yourself and in the relationship it may be something u learn to accept.

[penelope13]

It does not even sound like bipolar as the depressive and manic episodes last longer than that.

 

just to clarify bipolar disorder is a very complex disorder with very many subtypes.

 

the symptoms vary HUGELY between individuals, even within the same family. some people have very short episodes (either manic or depressive), some have very long ones, sometimes it varies.

 

some cycle all the time, even within an hour, some don't have episodes for months.

 

some people tend to have only depressive episodes, whereas other have mainly manic episodes.

 

some of the episodes are difficult to recognize as such and some people become extreme in their behaviors (both into the depressive and manic direction)

 

 

BTW: I AM NOT SAYING THAT HE IS BIPOLAR, - i don't know enough about the situation to come to this conclusion

[InvisibleOne]

That's very helpful Kerry. Thank you. I think I'll will do what most of you suggested; bring it out gently with him and see his response. I will give it a day or two then bring it up, because right now I'm too upset by this behaviour to carry out any civilized conversation with him.

[JadedStar]

It might not be depression at all....we don't know that. But i agree with those who said they could be emotional initimacy issues and a tendency to withdraw when things are not peachy.

 

That said, I have had a relationship with a person like that and it was one of the most taxing events in my life. I was always on pins and needles. The happy times became tumultuous as well because i always wondered "God when will the ball drop". Over time being with a person like this makes you jumpy all the time whether times are good or not. And in my case, i became so paranoid over the downtimes that when times were happy i would say things to try to find out how he was feeling and that just agitated him with "can't we just be happy". Thing is, i only asked those questions out of concern and wondering if i would see the "unhappy" version of him at any minute. If i asked him more than once "are you ok" if he was in one of his moody spells he would grow really angry and raise his voice or just stomp out. Normally i would say yes, aggravating to be asked more than once "are you ok" but when asked because the person in question is obviously in a mood sulk it was a normal reaction and question.

 

It isn't fun. I also agree don't ask him about meds, especially since this might be something totally unrelated to depression. Could be bi polar, but i think bipolar is too easily tossed around as a diagnosis for people who are just moody and who don't handle conflict very well. The person i mentioned above I do not think was bi polar, he just had an emotinal immaturity and when conflict hit he withdrew from me. Sometimes even would get snappy over small things that i said that to 'normal' people would have been no big deal at all.

 

You are right to be concerned. I think you should talk to him about it but don't mention depression or medication. Just keep it to the facts that are KNOWN...that he seems to disappear at times and you feel sometimes his mood seems down and you don't know if perhpas you have done something to upset him. Concentrate on you a bit with "you" statements so he doesn't feel you are blaming or pointing fingers or calling him a depressant.

[JadedStar]

That's very helpful Kerry. Thank you. I think I'll will do what most of you suggested; bring it out gently with him and see his response. I will give it a day or two then bring it up, because right now I'm too upset by this behaviour to carry out any civilized conversation with him.

 

It's obviously more than a quirky personality trait then if you are this upset by it, unless you are overly sensitive and i can't say that with any type of accuracy as i don't know you or him. But regardless if it is a severe problem or not, the fact is it isn't working for YOU.

 

So yes, bring it up in a non confrontational manner and one with concern, and concentrate like i said on "you" statements vs "him" statements to keep him from getting defensive. I think most people would get defensive if the person they are dating said "are you depressed" or are you "on medication".

[ImThatGirl]

Sounds just like my ex. Do share once you've discussed this with him. I'm entirely curious as to how he will react and what his response will be.

[InvisibleOne]

Hi Guys,

 

I discussed with him on the very same day I posted this thread. Suprisingly, he appeared to be totally unaware that his behaviour was bothering me (!). He said that sometimes he gets too busy, and while I have complained about it before, he never thought I was serious or bothered (!!). He was very apologetic about it, even scheduled dinner date the next day where he again apologized for his insensitivity, and said that from now on he's going to be more sensitive on communicating with me. For the past few days he has been very attentive to me, I'm happy to say. We have spent two days together since Monday, and few times he seemed to get into his leave-me-alone mood and wouldn't talk, but in general he seemed to be pretty happy spending time with me.

 

Also the "I Love You" issue is officially resolved; he said it for the first time on Monday night.

 

I'm so very thankful to all your advices. God bless you all.

[penelope13]

good for you! this just shows how important communication is: none of us are telepathic and we cannot read other people's thought.

[InvisibleOne]

good for you! this just shows how important communication is: none of us are telepathic and we cannot read other people's thought.

 

Yes, Penelope. Thanks. I learned a valuable lesson from this.

[boo121]

InvisibleOne - im a bit like this at times. I'll talk and meet up with girls then not reply the next day, and its usually because (im busy). Not because of mind games or some ridiculous disorder! I think you were getting a bit carried away there! If he was playing games, he wouldn't have apologised and made dinner arrangements with you. Sounds like a straight up guy to me.