All this time, still not any stronger as a person

[shyguy1]

Words cannot adequately explain how I feel about myself and where my life's headed.

 

I'm going to attempt to put my thoughts and feelings into words anyway...

 

I just want to cry.. I want to do nothing but crawl into a corner and cry for hours and hours on end.

 

I've been on this website for quite sometime now.... having joined in mid 2007.

 

Throughout this time I've been given tremendous advice and have met a lot of wonderful people, I've just started posting again after not posting since last November and nothing's changed.

 

Before I get too involved with what I'm about to type, would like to go on record and state that I'm in no way shape or form now, nor ever purposely not taking said advice and utilizing it. There's just something holding me back and I honestly don't have the slightest clue what that 'something' truly is.

 

I don't know why I fight things like therapy, granted it's by no means a promise of better days... but at least something like that would give me a 'chance' at a happier life and better days.

 

For whatever reason... I simply continue to refuse to even try therapy.. or medication... or well anything. I can't say I'm content with the way things are, but that same hidden 'force' for lack of a better team.. continues to hold me back and away from trying to improve my situation.

 

I'm on what I would consider to be a self imposed suicide watch and have been for years, the difference is in the past I cared too much about my friends and to a much larger extent my family to ever actually go through with it.

 

Anymore I'm more of the opinion that it's my life... my choices and my destiny. I don't live for anyone else and if I ultimately decide to go that route, no one can.. or should be able to stop me from going through with it. It's the same reason I feel suicide should be legal and that cops have no business getting involved in it.

 

I still wouldn't want to devastate my family.. but in the end one can only carry on so long, when deep down inside they have no desire to do so.

 

I feel that I've missed out on so many life experiences... that for all intents and purposes I should have experienced a long long time ago.

 

Everything from social encounters (I'm socially awkward enough, that I would put my social skills on par with the average young child..... I never learned basic social interactions and things that 'other' people pick up on at a very young age... yes I'm painfully shy, but the shyness is a cop out) to relationships...

 

I've only been in one relationship in my entire life, back in high school.. haven't gone on a single date in about 11 to 11 and a half years and in terms of sex and intimacy.. well the word nothing sums it up best. I've resigned myself to life long involuntary celibacy.

 

I'm incredibly lonely and sometimes find myself breaking down over the sheer overbearing loneliness... as pathetic as that may be

 

Nothing scares me more than growing old, I'm unhappy and have resigned myself to likely always being unhappy.... and as such have no desire to live a long life. On the off chance that I'm unable to ever actually go through with killing myself, I can only hope that I die of natural causes or a freak accident as young as possible.

 

I'm extremely unhappy at work, the only thing that scares me almost as much as growing old... is dying while still working at the same place. It's a pretty safe bet that's exactly what will happen. I have no motivation to keep on living and I certainly have no motivation to ever go back to school.. or simply change jobs. I'm perpetually stuck at my place of employment and likely always will be.

 

I often wish I could simply flip a switch.. and things would be different, but seeing how that's not going to ever happen... I would be content with merely giving myself a nice slap... saying wake up and do something about this and at least try... try to make things better.. try to learn how to be happy... try to learn how to talk to people and meet that special someone... try to find a way into a career where your not miserable....

 

Perhaps there is some sort of cruel irony involved in there somewhere and I'm simply not seeing it. Maybe someday something will hit me square in the face and I'll say to myself "aha so that's why you were so reluctant and fought things like therapy to such a strong degree"

 

As things stand right now though nothing's any clearer and I'm not even the smallest of steps closer to seeking help, or knowing and finding out what's holding me back from doing so....

[sff123]

sometimes unhappiness is cyclical and the very thing holding you back from breaking out is your feeling of helplessness. Really that force is you and you just need to break out and do it (anything whether it be therapy or simply changing your life). use the pain as a motivator. you need to tell yourself that you your pain really cant be that bad if you'd rather let it continue then doing something different.

[Davie]

I've spent most of my life being misserable. I was later on diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. They gave me anti depresents.

 

I threw them right in the bin. I won't have anything to do with pills. i just manned up to it. I completely relinquish the idea of even having Bipolar. It's all just a crazy thing inside the head. You need to use your mind to beat your mind. Not silly little pills.

 

 

So Indeed, I refuse pills too.

 

I think you just need to create a new daily or weekly activity in your life. Motivate yourself. YOU are BOSS. YOU are in CONTROL. YOU control YOUR DESTINY!

 

Make it work!

 

Force out of it! Meet a beautiful girl That'll solve it all

 

No more Mr Lonely

 

 

(I realise I'm not too good at giving advise, but I say what comes from my mind and heart in a strange orgy of mixted stuffs

 

Dave

[dr_styles]

Well if you want weight of numbers with the moral support, I'll join in and hope you find just that little bit of "sign on progress" to at least give you a kick to keep going.

 

I say this because, well, for starters it's more realistic imo rather than just some guy saying "stay strong" without anything to back it up, but also cos I'm going through the start of phase myself. Almost identical to you with the "I feel that I've missed out on so many life experiences... that for all intents and purposes I should have experienced a long long time ago.". I've been living content with how I was (which was very lonely) but time has eventually cracked through and like before, now come out with that little bit of determination to change things.

 

... but a couple months in now, still nothing. No change, no signs of progress, etc.

[top bloke]

So why are you not trying to better yourself? If god put you on the earth to live then why dont you make the first move? Stop pitying yourself and get out the door. There are people in old bodies,wheelchairs who would give their left testicle to be able body ,good looking like you.

[savignon]

I have spent thousands of dollars (very well spent in my opinion) on therapy and maybe I can offer you something....

what you are experience is resistance to change. from what you write, it's very strong and is holding you back. without help, it probably won't change and even *with* help, you have to want to change or want for things in your life to change (which involves *you* changing, so, yes, that's what you have to want). Even a therapist, though, if you go in and say things have always been the same, will always be the same and you're not interested in the process (which may involve meds for a period or talking about things you don't want to talk about)....won't be able to help you. *You* have to want it. I've seen a lot of people stay in "resistance" for a long time and only when you're wanting change or willing to work towards it does it happen.

I'm sure that doesn't really sound like anything helpful at all and you might be thinking, "you spent thousands of dollars to learn *that*??"...but there's much more to it and there's a much brighter side of life that you're denying yourself.

I hope you want better for yourself soon.

Best wishes.

[De Mon Fa De]

I used to feel like that. They called me "over-sensitive" as a child. People got used to the fact that they could walk all over me and I'd take it with a smile and a thank you. Then one day I had enough and I got mad. Real mad. Mind-splitting, hair-tearing, cussing, violent, MAD.

 

I do not know how you can fix yourself. I do know that in the end, there is despair or anger, and you'll probably go one way or the other. I recommend anger; despair is a negative that only leads to total despair and potentially suicide, while anger has the potential to turn into positive energy that can be harnessed for personal improvement and development (in other words, telling the things that are hurting you to get out of your life and stay there).

 

I hope you find a way out before you get to that point. But if you have to make a choice, get mad. Don't get mad at anyone, don't hurt anyone. Just get mad enough that you decide not to let yourself be a victim anymore, even if the only person making you a victim is you.

 

Good luck in whatever you choose.

[Mavh25]

Shyguy may i ask where you are from?

[shyguy1]

Thanks for all the responses so far, I've read them all and they mean a lot to me. Now if only I can get myself to act upon said advice.. I've been given advice on here for going on two years now... good advice like what I've been given here and yet I continue to not act on it and at least 'try' to make things better.

 

To answer a question on the previous reply, I'm from Joplin, Mo... though I've been planning on saving money and moving to Chicago for about 2 years now, of course much like with not being any closer to improving my life.. I'm also not a penny closer to Chicago. What can I say I make decent money (comparatively speaking.... Joplin has one of the lowest costs of living in America, what I make wouldn't translate as well to other areas) I'm just beyond awful with money.

 

I suppose in addition to therapy and/or medication, I could likely use a financial adviser as well

[doc wannabe]

You remind me soooooooo much of myself. I spent a great deal of years wishing that something in my life would change, but just not knowing where to start, and not knowing where I would go after making that first step. This is really silly, but what has helped me is having a tireless cheerleader for myself inside my head. In one of the lowest points in my life, I was watching a documentary on Martin Luther King, Jr. I remember thinking that he was really eloquent and powerful in speaking out against injustice. Well, I've had some injustice in my life, and it's high time someone speak out for that. So I have the voice of MLK in my head that helps to set me straight and give me hope when I need it. I need my interior, tireless advocate for justice for me even now. I realize this may sound kinda silly, but having that motivation really helped me. Another thing was finding what I really wanted to do with my life career-wise and working toward that. What do you want to do with your working life? What do you want to be "when you grow up?" What little baby steps (the only steps I can take are baby steps) can you take to get to that occupation? And, by the way, what do you like and dislike? One of the things that I used to do when I was feeling really lonely is I would take myself on dates. I would try to find out as much about myself as I would some girl I was taking on a date. Maybe this sounds silly, but it helped me.

[dr_styles]

One of the things that I used to do when I was feeling really lonely is I would take myself on dates. I would try to find out as much about myself as I would some girl I was taking on a date. Maybe this sounds silly, but it helped me.

 

I wouldn't call them dates but that's what I'm trying to work on as well. After "going over the edge" with the whole loneliness rant where you slowly get back up, I've realised myself that I'm well ... boring. One tip my friend said a little while back now was to imagine describing yourself to someone (the usual basic info and hobbies talk), and I found myself not being able to. For sure, there are lots of things I like doing or want to do, but nothing in the sense of the hobby. To go back to your date reference, if I was on a date (reminder to people I've never been on a date), I would have a hard time answering.

 

Hard part is deciding where you want to "date" yourself too.

[Mavh25]

So have you tried any sort of therapy atall?

[ZJQ]

My aunt is approaching 50 and never been married. Don't know about her virginity. She is living with my grandmother in China. And yes, she is a woman, but so what.

 

I know that the culture in America is vastly different than China. When we are married and have kids, we stay with our entire family. Our parents live in our house until the day they die. We respect our parents' wishes -- well the ones who don't seemingly lose their heritage in America.

 

My point is that what you've been experiencing is ALL part of the culture. So what if you are a virgin at 29 and are shy around people. In my culture no one freaking cares. Yet we still live and dominate the world's population with 1.3 billion people.

 

Beyond these thoughts, I'll try and give you one advice. This may sound wrong, but bear with me. Use the excuse that you should blame something -- the environment, or the culture you grew up in -- and just think that you should discharge everything you think is 'right' or 'should do' when talking to people. And like I said the culture has a lot to do with this. The piece of land you live on isn't the only piece of land that exists in this world. Adapt some other cultures and see how happy their people can be. Now with these thoughts, hopefully you can feel a little relieved.

[shyguy1]

So have you tried any sort of therapy atall?

 

No....

 

I'm scared to... stubborn... not convinced that it would work, even going as far as to have serious doubts and honestly not believing it would work etc.

 

I realize this is counterproductive, but I feel there's some hidden force not only holding me back from seeking therapy, but holding me back in various other ways as well (IE: improving my work situation... getting out of Joplin)

 

If someone held a gun to my head and I was then forced to say what was holding me back, as mentioned above I simply don't know for sure.... but the fact that I feel I've more or less given up on life plays a key role.

 

I'm ready to die.... that pretty much says it all right there, and I'm simply waiting for the right exit strategy. I don't want to hurt my family... especially my baby sister and my father, heck she's 13 years old now... but will always be my baby sister... but I simply don't know how long I can pretend that I want to live.

 

I'm on a self imposed suicide watch and it's likely only a matter of time.

[greensleeves]

No....

 

I'm scared to... stubborn... not convinced that it would work, even going as far as to have serious doubts and honestly not believing it would work etc.

 

I realize this is counterproductive, but I feel there's some hidden force not only holding me back from seeking therapy, but holding me back in various other ways as well (IE: improving my work situation... getting out of Joplin)

 

I think that you should give therapy a try or speak to your medical doctor about this....maybe you could benefit from anti depressants. Wouldn't it be worth a shot if the end result is a happier and more fullfilling life?

[shyguy1]

I think that you should give therapy a try or speak to your medical doctor about this....maybe you could benefit from anti depressants. Wouldn't it be worth a shot if the end result is a happier and more fullfilling life?

 

I'll consider it.

 

To answer your question.. would it be worth it?

 

I go back and forth on that. Would I like a happier and more fulfilling life? Sure.. at the same time I hate life to such a degree, that I'm not sure I want to be anything to prolong it.

 

Furthermore, I've been unhappy for such an extended period... that I'm beginning to wonder if happiness is nothing more than a myth.

 

That there are people out there that pretend to be *happy* and then there are those of us who are honest and don't pretend to be something that doesn't truly exist.

[whes]

I realize this is counterproductive, but I feel there's some hidden force not only holding me back from seeking therapy, but holding me back in various other ways as well (IE: improving my work situation... getting out of Joplin)

 

If someone held a gun to my head and I was then forced to say what was holding me back, as mentioned above I simply don't know for sure.... but the fact that I feel I've more or less given up on life plays a key role.

 

IT'S YOU. Nothing else.

 

YOU'RE the hidden force that sits in the corner of your mind, acting both as a desire for and a barrier to change. The barrier part of you is stronger than the desire part. You have to realize that the only thing inhibiting your change is your own self. Just make the desire to change stronger than the barrier is. Really, it doesn't have to exist at all. You just have to decide to make it happen because NOBODY can or will do it for you.

[shyguy1]

Honestly while I appreciate all the advice given to me, I have serious doubts about my ever being completely happy alone.

 

I do feel there's a chance that via therapy and/or medication I could become *happier*... but truly happy?

 

Not alone and that's my fate.

 

Facts are facts in this case, I've not only long been depressed.. but have also long been shy to a crippling degree and have no self esteem/self worth.

 

I would have to start from the beginning in terms of building relationships, I'm so far behind the curve socially, that basic social skills the average person learns in their early teens heck even earlier... still allude me as I approach 30.

 

I have zero idea how to forge relationships and zero idea how to talk to people, add to that the low percentage of women who would give a socially clueless... nearly 30 year old virgin a chance (less than five percent of the female population I'm willing to bet) and it all adds up to forever being alone.

 

I don't foresee myself ever being happy in that case... not ever experiencing parenthood... relationships...love...sex... and that's what I'm looking at.

 

I won't date or marry a religious woman who 'saved' herself, because I'm Atheist and I would rather avoid the drama... it just so happens that's the only type of woman who would likely consider getting to know me and giving me a chance and therefore I'm 'screwed' no pun intended....

[whes]

i don't know if I'd be satisfied on my own, either. I have a very rich life with lots of friends, but at the end of the day, I want someone with me. It's okay to want that. But it's not okay to forsake being at LEAST contented being single just because you're pinning all of your hopes on that magical relationship. It isn't everything. It'd be the biggest part of my life, a spouse and kids, but not all of it by any means.

[shyguy1]

It is everything in my case though.

 

I have a very vivid fantasy of seeing my son or daughter born for the first time... holding him or her and then just breaking down in tears of joy.

 

If I can't experience ever that, then I don't want to live period.

 

I often find myself resenting others, not sure what I did to deserve this being so unhappy.. this hating myself and this being doomed to be alone.. but it is what it is.

 

I especially find myself resenting all the dead beat dad's out there, I would be one heck of a father... yet I won't ever get a chance, while these dead beat wastes of oxygen not only get the chance to be a father.. but in some cases multiple chances that they squander away again.. and again.. and again.

 

I can't bear the thought of living year after year after year alone. I'm almost at the point of seeking help, I've said that before.. heck many times on this very website, but I'm scared because for one of the first times in my life I'm also almost to the point of killing myself.

 

I've had brief suicidal periods in my life, but I've never been willing to do that to my family.. especially my little sister and my father. I saw what my mom dying from cancer during the early part of this decade did to them and I don't want to do that.

 

At the same time... I'm honestly at the point where I understand that first and foremost you live for yourself and not others. If you have no desire to live, you shouldn't be forced to pretend and to carry on day after day after day.. and year after year after year in an attempt to appease others (my family in this case)

 

While I'm not willing to live for them any longer, I am willing to seek help for them and that's why I'm very close to doing it.

 

I'm scared though.. not so much scared of the help itself.. although I am to an extent, but scared that I'll still remain alone and in a lot of ways I feel that would make me feel even worse about myself...

 

IE: if seeking help and getting to my 'best' still isn't enough to meet someone, then boy I really am worthless.. that's just the way my mind thinks.. I'm not going to pretend it's rational... because it clearly isn't, but I can't change the way my brain operates.

 

I'm simply lonely as lonely gets and want to cry just thinking about it... I guess the whole crying thing means I'm a quote un quote "wuss" in the eyes of some....but I can't help it.

 

quick edit:

 

I'll also admit that reading that others have spent "thousands of dollars" in therapy, makes me hesitant to go forth with it...

 

Not because I don't need it, I clearly do need to at least try it.. whether it works or not.. but simply because I don't have thousands of dollars to spend.. I honestly am not in a position where I even have hundreds of dollars to spend on it.

 

If nothing else, my financial situation may just keep me from ever trying therapy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

i don't know if I'd be satisfied on my own, either. I have a very rich life with lots of friends, but at the end of the day, I want someone with me. It's okay to want that. But it's not okay to forsake being at LEAST contented being single just because you're pinning all of your hopes on that magical relationship. It isn't everything. It'd be the biggest part of my life, a spouse and kids, but not all of it by any means.

[whes]

I'm simply lonely as lonely gets and want to cry just thinking about it... I guess the whole crying thing means I'm a quote un quote "wuss" in the eyes of some....but I can't help it.

 

All it means is that you are desperate for human connection. I hate to rehash this same point again, but the human connection starts within yourself. What connects us as people are our loves, our passions, our lives, and all of those things are found in the deepest part of yourself. If the deepest part of you isn't filled with anything, then you aren't going to have a real connection with anyone. And if you can't love yourself, you may not ever find love.

 

Please take what I am saying with a grain of salt. I speak from my own experience and from what I feel is true. I am speaking from a very different place than you, the opposite side of the canyon if you will. But I also have to say that I've been where you are, where you feel so worthless that you aren't worth the time of day to anyone and that are not capable of love. All you can really do is hate who you are and hope for change.

 

Hope ain't enough, i found. If you don't kick your own asz out of the hole you're in, it isn't going to change. It can and it will change if you do, however. It's bloody hard and it requires a LOT of stubbornness. I remember that overwhelming heaviness though where you feel like you're drowning in your own thoughts and depression.

 

I was just so sick of it. So sick of myself and feeling that way. I honestly hated who I was. I was not content to live like that, because I truly believed it could be better. I didn't think I deserved better, but I thought it could BE better. You want it. You just gotta have some faith. You don't believe in happiness, that it could actually exist for you. It doesn't have to be a big happiness, the small, quiet kind is just as good, so aim for that. Believe in it. Because it can happen for you.

[shyguy1]

Thanks for all the responses so far, in the interest of full disclosure.... I've mentioned this before... even started a thread about it that got some responses way back when.

 

Anyway.... if my depression...shyness...lack of self esteem... virginity.. etc etc etc weren't big enough issues and barriers for me... here comes the bombshell to end all bombshells.

 

This is hard for me to even admit to, but seeing how I was brave enough to start a thread about it once... I might as well force myself to admit it again.

 

I'm in touch with my feminine side... ok very very in touch with my feminine side. I've cross dressed since a very young age.. around six or so.

 

The cross dressing is one thing.. and clearly a possible major barrier in terms of relationships (I know it's not going away.. that's certain) I've tried to suppress it.. three different times in my life I've thrown away clothes... lingerie....makeup...panties.. anything deemed 'girly' in an attempt to be well a man's man.

 

Never lasts, it's a part of me for better or worse.

 

That's not even the bombshell though... I sometimes feel that I've got gender dysphoria... 'that's' the bombshell.

 

Basically I sometimes feel I was born the wrong sex and that in a lot of ways could be the source of my unhappiness.

 

From what little research I've done (not nearly enough) it seems like most who are transgendered.... know that they are, there's not even a little bit of doubt. This would lead me to believe that I'm simply a male more in touch with his feminine side than most... as there is some doubt there.

 

At the same time though... I remember, especially from around the age of 12 through most of my teenage years... physically crying at night over not being a girl and even though I'm not religious telling a possible higher entity that if I were wrong I would worship he/she/it for all eternity if they allowed me to wake up female.

 

As I type this out... I'm somewhat regretting it, a lot of you who come accross this post likely think I'm a freak.. and maybe I am.

 

I just know it feels good to get it out... I recently confided in a female friend.. one that I knew was open minded and not judgmental about my possible gender issues and she's really helped out and let it be known that I could always talk to her if need be about it. I had to admit it to more people though... and the anonymous aspect of the internet, makes it much much easier to do.

 

I've already been somewhat long winded here, but needless to say my gender confusion opens up a whole other can of worms. My mother's no longer with us, but my dad thankfully is... and although I have the coolest father in the world... this would be a tough pill for any father to swallow.

 

I guess I'm scared to talk to an expert about my gender issues, because I don't think I want to find out that I may indeed be transgendered and never happy living as a man. I can only imagine having to tell my soon to be teenage little sister "oh by the way your big brother? he's now your big sister"

 

In the grand scheme of things, a lot of these issues are something 99 percent of the population does not understand and never will understand, that's one of the things that makes this all so hard. People don't relate... so you can't really talk to them. Also you certainly don't talk about this sort of thing to your best guy friends that you've known for years.

 

I just know that even reading the "what I love about being a woman" thread is depressing.... because there's a very real part of me that wishes that I could do some of the things mentioned.. things like wearing makeup, dresses and heels without the fear.. of well getting my butt kicked by close minded jerks... you know be myself.

 

I realize this is a lot to take in and I understand it's going to be a difficult thing to advise someone on, at the same time as mentioned above... I simply had to get it off my chest.

 

What can I say... I'm a very bizarre person.

[greensleeves]

I think that just writing about it here is a very positive step for you. You're wrestling with such complex issues and I really think you should seek out a therapist that has some expertise in this area. You're not a freak by any means, and I think it might be helpful if you can find some support from people that have been through a similar experience and there are many who have faced this. You're not alone and the internet will probably be a helpful tool in finding forums and support groups.

 

Figuring it all out privately is the first step, try not to worry too much about what will come after and what the reaction of your friends or family might be right now. I'm glad that you have a friend that you feel you can share this journey with, her support will be very important. You need to be true to yourself, without shame or embarrassment and you deserve to be happy, so be who you're meant to be.

[doc wannabe]

I have to agree that just having the courage to write that is awesome. You're to be commended for that! Outstanding!

 

I do want to say that apart from the gender issue, one of the things that struck me about what you wrote a bit ago was that you said you would be an awesome dad. OK. What about being an awesome dad to that child inside of you? What does that child need? And how can you, as a competant and caring adult provide that? I'm a HUGE proponant of inner child work, and I did a lot of it myself to a pretty good amount of success. I know people always make fun of stuff like that, but for me, it really helped. You don't have to spend $$$$$$$$$$ on therapy. For me, it was always best done in private anyway. If I could make a suggestion, it would be to look at healing your inner child and giving that child what is needed. Just like you would provide for a child that was not you.

 

In regards to the gender thing, I just can't say enough how much I admire your courage. You can dis yourself all day until you're blue in the face, but wow! That was awesome. I really respect you for that. You've demonstrated that you have courage, and you have honesty. That's all you need. Those are the two biggest and most difficult tools to acquire in our toolbox of self-improvement tools. You HAVE everything you need to make this journey. This is certainly not an end by any means, it is an exciting beginning for you. I just realized that I might sound a bit like a dork, but I feel like you've really turned a corner here. Keep us posted.

[whes]

Have you ever considered having facial feminization surgery and becoming a woman? Google it. There are some amazing stories.