sexual politics and the green eyed monster

[q-p]

over 6 years ago, i had a brief fling with a guy i'd known for only a short time. happened only twice, but i never regretted it, and didn't even think about it again after that, even though i maintained a distant friendship with the person.

 

Two years ago, I became very close to a friend, and we ended up dating. We just clicked after knowing eachother for years, and took things slowly. After a few months of dating, i find out, it turns out that the guy i had a fling with, he knew about. these two guys were best mates, inseperable (i knew). We'd been dating for about 5 months before he told me, and he told me because "it tortured him everyday"

 

its now 15months later, and he still brings it up. it still depresses him. the two are no longer even friends, and he stresses about "what if people ask why we're not mates"

 

im so fed up of hearing about it, and i know i have two options. one, move on without him. or two, move on past this and grow.

 

this is the single problem in our relationship. without this its perfect, so i'd like to go with option two but how in gods name does he get over it? im plum out of ideas

[Hayles]

You need to remind him that HE KNEW before you guys got together, and thereforee... he has nothing to complain about!! If you cheated with his mate or if he didn't know and just found out down the track he would have a right to complain! You need to tell him that this is potentially placing your relationship in harms way, and that you wont be condemned for something you did as a single woman... past is just that: past!!

[savignon]

I agree that if you had cheated, it would be a different story...but the fact that it was a relatively meaningless encounter over 6 years ago....he just needs to treat it like anything else in your past----history. You shouldn't have to appologize or feel bad for anything you did before you 2 got together. If he's been friends with you for so long, he should know your character well and know and be able to let it go. Furthermore, he was friends with his friend and knows *his* character and should be able to let it go.

His issue...not yours. But that would be annoying for me if my bf kept bringing it up. Next time he says, "what if someone asks why we aren't friends anymore?" tell him to say, "Because I wasn't mature enough to let something meaningless go"

Naah...just kidding....talk to him about it and tell him it bothers you that he's holding this over your relationship like a cloud. Tell him to drop it for both of your sakes.

[Tamoko]

what's in the past is in the past. Let him know how you're feeling about this.

[midnightrambler]

some things you just can't get can't get over....

[matman]

Speaking as a person who has had a similar problem as your BF, you can try to reason it logically with him or give him time. Ask him what he is depressed about and maybe get him to write his feelings down.

I wouldn't be able to get over this if the other person was still around but that is just me, he obviously likes you or he wouldn't date you.

Is it the past that is the problem, the loss of his old friendship, maybe what his mate used to talk about to him graphically (DO NOT ASK HIM THIS DIRECTLY BUT IT MIGHT BE A REASON), or the fact you still keep in contact with the fling?

 

For me, I still maintain keeping friendships with flings is not a good idea but MANY people do it and MANY have no problems with it after.

 

My issue is that if people maintain present day contact then I cannot see the past for what it is and that includes anyone in the social group keeping in contact with these people probably hence his worry about what other people will think about why they are not friends anymore.

Good luck.

[MsG]

I was in the same position as you.

 

Had a few encounters with a guy. Turns out I liked his friend more we started dating. These guys were good friends but once I ditched one for the other it was over between them.

 

My boyfriend now does not hold this over my head but I assume the thought pops into his head every now and again.

 

OK so our situations are different but the idea is the same. Your man is holding this over your head. Which sucks. From your post it sounds like you just accept that he will forever be bothered by this which you certainly shouldn't have to put up with that. Was he a virgin when you met him? Did he have some one-nighters with randoms? Likely he has. Do you hold that over his head? Hopefully not. Have a talk with him say as much as it bothers him, how does he think making you feel terrible about something that happened legitimatley before his time? Ask him what really bothers him? Is it that you're still in contact with him? Perhpas that could be a negotiation? Cut off contact for him to not bring up this non-issue again.

 

Hope that helps.

[ComputerGuy]

It happened before you got together - whether they were friends or not it really hasn't got much to do with now so he really has to move on. You can't expect someone to hold themselves just in case they arent with the perfect person, because if you do you'll be waiting forever.

 

As long as you are faithful with him then he really has no reason to have issue with this, ESPECIALLY as he knew prior to dating you.