Saw my ex...

[big sigh]

So, I saw my ex today. Background quickly... over 3 year relationship, broke up 2-3 months ago. I had actually just broken NC (well she didn't respond) of around a month to tell her that I still loved her, but I wanted her to be happy and if she was more happy without me (and with her new bf), that I was happy for her. I told her it was now her decision whether we stayed in contact, and I had to let go and move on if she didn't have feelings for me any longer (and if she didn't I just told her not to contact me if she could so I wouldn't get hurt). That is the very short, bad explanation, but basically since writing to her I've felt like I said all I needed to say and did everything I could to get her back, and I've felt the best I've felt since the break-up. My appetite is back (finally), and the feeling in the pit of my stomach is gone. I'm working toward forgiveness (myself as well as her) and just realizing if she doesn't want my love, I will just have to find someone who will. I mean, I wish it was her, but I can't make her love me, it's her decision and there's nothing else I can do.

Anyway, I was getting on my bike to go to my parents house (I was watching Bottle Rocket with my bro, good movie), and I saw someone that looked like her at the intersection of my street. But I didn't think it was really her because every girl I see looks like her, haha. Anyway, I forgot something, and ran back inside to get it, and by the time I came back out it was my gf and she was right accross the street. My heart beat went up, and I'm assuming she saw me but just kept looking straight ahead. I waved and said Hello, and she looked and kind of waved back. I think it was really awkward for her, but I actually felt okay, which surprised me. I got on my bike, and I thought for a second, "should I go talk to her?", but I really feel if she wants to work on the relationship, she needs to make the effort to contact me, and all I would have done was ask if she got my email and where she was going and I probably would have started freaking out and gotten sad. So instead, without looking back at her, I got on my bike and left.

So far, I'm still okay. I'm surprised how well I'm dealing with it, but knowing me there is the chance I will freak out in the next couple of days. I was doing so well after I got everything off my chest (well, told her the fact that I still loved her). But also, we live about two blocks away from each other, and she could have avoided going down that street. It is the first street that goes downtown, but she could have taken another street. When my friends were living there and I was living with her, I avoided the house because her and my friends didn't get along, so I know it's avoidable. But whatever she was doing, it's not my business.

But it is weird how things happen. I went to another state to visit my dad for a couple weeks for winter break, and thought I got over her there. But the way I got over it was thinking that there was no chance I was going to see her anymore. The first day back my friend told me he passed her in his car when she was walking by our house. That sent me into the realization that I could easily run into her and I freaked out for the next few days, which is when I joined this. If I saw her at that point I wouldn't have been able to take it. But now, I feel I was okay, and it was probably the best possible time I could have seen her. And the timing that I would be leaving and she would be walking at exactly that time was weird. If I hadn't forgotten something I wouldn't have seen her. But, things happen for a reason, the more I live the more I believe that. Sorry for the long post, just needed to write. Hopefully I'll be okay, if I'm not I'll be on here talking about it, haha.

[goodkarma_1]

Hi there--

I'm glad to see that you are ok about all this and I'm super glad that SHE saw that you were OK. I bet that bothered her. Yes life does work in mysterious ways and I agree as well that things happen for a reason.

 

Its obvious from your explanation that she wanted to run into you again. Funny how it all comes around eventually eh? Well good for you for standing your ground. Hang in there and keep on moving. Do what makes you happy. It sounds like you are healing well. Best of luck to you!

[big sigh]

Thanks for the reply. Yeah, I'm really glad I didn't have a meltdown, and instead of going and speaking with her (which easily could have turned into me getting hurt or me hurting her), I was able to turn and leave without looking back (which is a strength I didn't have in the relationship with her). I love her still, but whether she loves me or not is her decision. She broke up with me, and has not tried to contact me in any way since she got her new bf, and the two times I've spoken with her she sounded really annoyed and upset that I would even call her (when I was obviously hurt and was just so used to turning to her), and she hasn't responded to my email. I waved and said hello and she knows how I feel because I wrote the email telling her. There isn't anything else I can do, she has to make the choice to contact me and let me know she wants to make it work. Otherwise I assume she is happier without me. I'm not going to bother her or her bf anymore, that's not something I feel comfortable doing.