When you've realized you did something wrong

[Maverick212]

I have a question for all of you.

 

Say your ex dumped you, and at first you didn't understand why. But then over time you have am "AH HA" moment and you have realized that you did in fact hurt that person you loved and in many ways caused the breakup to happen.

 

Now, my question is, is it best to let those things be left alone and keep it to yourself, while in the process better yourself, in an attempt to get your ex back? Or, is it better to tell him/her that you understand how you hurt them and would like another go at it?

 

What I am asking is, is it better to show him/her you understand and will be better with your actions or your words, or a combination of both?

 

Anyone got any advice?

[crab62]

here's my take... unless it's infidelity or charging up his card to $50,000 or killing his cat... I think most things are workable...

 

if it's not one of the 3 above... it's either an excuse or he/she just simply put the blame on you... they "do" do that.... much easier on their ego

 

so unless I have the specifics, I can't comment... but beware of the blame game... very seldom does a person walk out and say "oh gee it's all my fault"

[Maverick212]

Yeah i have the same take as you, that things are workable. However in my case, i finally realized that i did a lot of things to hurt my ex girl. she would never tell me face to face but that's the story i'm getting.

 

so, i decided that with the winter break and all, and we dont have much commmunication i send her and email telling her well "i get it" and that i understand now that i did hurt you. and that i want to work things out, but wait until we're back to talk about it. and i told her if i didn't hear from her than i would just assume it didn't matter.

 

but that my story, sort of

[waveseer]

"oh gee it's all my fault"

 

I do. If I give up first, it is my fault. Heck, I've even been generous before and offered to be the one at fault even when the other person gave up, because it just doesn't matter.

[crab62]

Yeah i have the same take as you, that things are workable. However in my case, i finally realized that i did a lot of things to hurt my ex girl. she would never tell me face to face but that's the story i'm getting.

 

so, i decided that with the winter break and all, and we dont have much commmunication i send her and email telling her well "i get it" and that i understand now that i did hurt you. and that i want to work things out, but wait until we're back to talk about it. and i told her if i didn't hear from her than i would just assume it didn't matter.

 

but that my story, sort of

 

well not telling you face to face is not nice either, in actuality, it's really abuse... it's withholding, it's control. By her not telling you what is wrong, she has control, and leaves you guessing... that's abuse... withholding, and a form of passive aggression.

 

Tell her in your next email when she is ready to work on a relationship... you will be there... but despite what she thinks... you are not omnipotent... and you can't read her mind... so she either needs to speak up and work it out, or own up to the fact that she plainly doesn't want the relationship... but blaming you on it all is not only immature, it's cowardly and disgraceful.

 

Keep your chin up... my exbf did the same thing to me... walked out... I knew nothing... things were bothering him but I knew nothing... but "somehow" I was supposed to know it all. That's crap.. it's called control... and they are more interested in control than they are with working out the relationship and/or your feelings... and that's the sad part of it all.

[big sigh]

I'm not sure, I'm on my first break-up, but I also had the realization that... not that I was doing things wrong, but that I didn't understand relationships well enough at the time to do what my gf wanted me to. A couple weeks after breaking up I realized, "Oh, there were things I could have worked on", but at that point she was in another relationship, so I didn't feel I had a chance.

But a few days ago I wrote her an email similar to yours, not that I "get it", but that I would want to work at the relationship again, but the ball is in her court. I felt like I said everything I needed to say and did all I could, it's her decision now. I told her if I didn't hear from her, I will just move on, similar to you.

Basically, it sounds like your ex should know now where you stand, and it's up to her to make the decision, which is also where I am. Whatever the decision is though, we just have to move on from there. I know there's nothing else I can do, but your story is your own, and good luck to you.

[Maverick212]

yeah thanks big sigh, good luck to you as well.

 

my ex is pretty immature, one week it's this is why we broke up, the next is this why. but it's all crap, she wouldn't tell me. it's like she wants me to figure it out myself, but i am not a mind reader.

 

the email is my way to clear my conscience, cuz i have no more apologizing to do. she wants this, then she's gonna have to put the effort that i'm putting in too. if not then, well i did all i could. and if you have second thoughts, then i may not be there to hear it.

[big sigh]

yeah thanks big sigh, good luck to you as well.

 

my ex is pretty immature, one week it's this is why we broke up, the next is this why. but it's all crap, she wouldn't tell me. it's like she wants me to figure it out myself, but i am not a mind reader.

 

the email is my way to clear my conscience, cuz i have no more apologizing to do. she wants this, then she's gonna have to put the effort that i'm putting in too. if not then, well i did all i could. and if you have second thoughts, then i may not be there to hear it.

 

Yeah, that's exactly how I feel. Once you clear your conscience, there's nothing else you can do. I would love it if my ex wanted to put in the effort, but I would be extremely surprised if she would, so I'm ready to move on and really just figure out who I am and understand myself and prepare for whoever comes into my life.

But if you're ever feeling bad about stuff, this site is a good place to go, it seems like people will listen and speak with you.

[purpleduckie]

i think in these situations, it's easy to take all the blame without realizing that the other person did their part in the break up too.

 

 

personally, i don't see the point of dwelling in the past *unless* this is a very serious relationship we're talking about (years of seeeeeeeeeerrious long term commitment, marriage prospect, soul shattering, actually really in love... sort of relationship). then at that point, you'd expect them to ... tell you what you did wrong to cause the break up in the first place!

[Himynamesbob]

I'm sorta glad i stumbled onto this thread because i'm dealing with the same thing.. my ex left me for another guy about 8 weeks ago. I'm 20 days into NC now but recently i've gotten the strongest urge to contact her one last time to tell her that i really did love her, i know i could have done so much better, and i'm willing to be the bf she needed if she was willing to give me the 2nd chance

[big sigh]

I'm sorta glad i stumbled onto this thread because i'm dealing with the same thing.. my ex left me for another guy about 8 weeks ago. I'm 20 days into NC now but recently i've gotten the strongest urge to contact her one last time to tell her that i really did love her, i know i could have done so much better, and i'm willing to be the bf she needed if she was willing to give me the 2nd chance

 

Well, just be careful. Everyone here says NC is the best way to go, but letting them know how you feel before going NC may be okay, I don't really know. I just felt like I would regret it if I didn't let her know I still loved her at this point in time (I won't always, but I still do right now). But I could be hurting really bad a few days from now, this is my first time dealing with a break-up and I emailed a few days ago. Just be prepared for being hurt, and realize you'll never say everything you want to, but if you have something big you have to get off your chest, it may help you. It has helped me so far, but I'm inexperienced, so maybe ask other people too, and maybe Maverick can tell you how they feel about it also. Either way, good luck and I hope we all get through this stuff.

[Himynamesbob]

I probably said sorry 20 times after the breakup and told her how i really felt even more... i dont know why i feel the need to do it one last time. Maybe it's just the NC getting to me. Or maybe it was just too soon before she didnt care what i had to say.

[hanalei]

I'm sorta glad i stumbled onto this thread because i'm dealing with the same thing.. my ex left me for another guy about 8 weeks ago. I'm 20 days into NC now but recently i've gotten the strongest urge to contact her one last time to tell her that i really did love her, i know i could have done so much better, and i'm willing to be the bf she needed if she was willing to give me the 2nd chance

 

Damn, same situation here. Around that day 20 or so of NC I have had the urge to contact her and the past couple of days I have been thinking I did do a lot of things to cause the breakup. Except after the breakup I begged like a little girl for her back, and she continued to tell me no, we can be friends thats it. She meant so much to me, but I love her still and I am going to let her go live her life. Its tough, but you just have to realize its the past and there is nothing you can do about it anymore. Look towards the future to brighter and happier days.

[ThisXmas]

you are in Hawaii too? hehe..me too...

I think my ex may know clearly that I still love him...but i am afraid he may not know that I want to get back together if at all possible.. I guess I tried to say that I was sorry and I understood what I did wrong in the relationship...and i said that I will focus and improve myself...I really didn't have to courage to ask to get back together one more time...as i already tried right after he broke up with me...i wasn't ready for all the hurts again..

but i guess if he ever loves me again...he may not think that he shouldn't give us a 2nd chance just because he doesn't want to hurt me badly again? i guess he can think like this...but it's just fate then...if he thinks like this.

 

Damn, same situation here. Around that day 20 or so of NC I have had the urge to contact her and the past couple of days I have been thinking I did do a lot of things to cause the breakup. Except after the breakup I begged like a little girl for her back, and she continued to tell me no, we can be friends thats it. She meant so much to me, but I love her still and I am going to let her go live her life. Its tough, but you just have to realize its the past and there is nothing you can do about it anymore. Look towards the future to brighter and happier days.

[hanalei]

Haha thats cool, where in Hawaii you from? I'm from the Windward side, born and raised. PM me sometime, and we can listen to each others stories lol.

[Maverick212]

Hey all, been reading about all your situations. It's funny when people say each situation is different but we are all going through a very similar scenario. I sent my ex that email a few days before she left for Spain on a trip for winter break, and i told her not to respond until she came back, and if she didn't then i'd would assume that more words didn't make a difference. I mean the only upside in my story is that she has the email, can look at it several times, and hopefully she is thinking about while she's there. She gets back the 24th and that's when i go back to school with her. I have no idea what her response is going to be. It will most likely be negative if i know her. everytime i have tried to tell her things in person she ends up yelling at me. she doesn't do well with confrontation. So, maybe, words on paper will have a different effect, but i'm probably getting my hopes up.

 

Yeah, NC, is probably the best remedy but if you have something you need to say, say it, you have to do it for you, and they need to know that. Coming accross as needy and unconfident is not the route to go.

[big sigh]

Yeah, NC, is probably the best remedy but if you have something you need to say, say it, you have to do it for you, and they need to know that. Coming accross as needy and unconfident is not the route to go.

 

This is how I feel. I know I've said all I needed to say, and although I still have the desire to contact her, I know any contact I initiate with her at this point will not change anything, and will only make me look worse. I know I have to go NC now, and if she contacts me, fine, but if not, I'll be okay. Things happen for a reason. I know in breaking up I've already gotten to understand and know myself better, and my next relationship (whoever it is with) will be better because of it.